MBA - Moron$ Ba$ and A$$

by Jeff Blackwell

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Double Vision

  “Mick, why don’t you let me get the next one?”

  “Man, you drink like a fish out of water and never get a tipped bit weasy.”

  “Earl, I Iove the fact that you talk drunk just like you talk sober.”

  We were in Doris’s embarking on our third round. Well, the third for me and Earl. I think it was the fifth or sixth for Jack. He had offered to buy drinks at the club last week but forgot his wallet. So, while I appreciated the current offer, I knew what it was like to be new in town.

  “Seriously, Jack. This is on me. I know that settling in here has been a little more costly than you thought it would be.”

  “You got that right. And thanks for that salary advance. I know it’s been a few months, but I’ll pay you back with interest at the end of next week. The apartment furniture is all paid off and I got a great refinancing deal on the ‘Vette. In fact, I could hook you up with a guy that could save you some serious Jackson’s or we could go double or nothing on the course.”

  “First, my car is paid off. Second, double or nothing against you in golf? Kiss my ass.”

  Doris appeared at that very moment with the drinks. From the first time she laid eyes on Jack, I think she hoped he would lay them back. And lay her. In his presence, she magically and transformed into her namesake. It was enough to make a healthy man puke.

  “Oh, gentlemen, such language. But if anyone one is seeking a posterior to caress, I might know someone that would be more than accommodating.”

  With that, she blew Jack a stomach wrenching air kiss, flipped her hair over one shoulder and sashayed away with an exaggerated sway in her previously referenced hindquarters.

  “Jack, you charm all the babes.”

  “Hey, take ‘em when you can get ‘em.”

  “Speaking of which, finding anyone down here that floats your boat?”

  “I wouldn’t mind dropping anchor in Victoria’s harbor.”

  “First of all, she is old enough to be your mother. Second of all, that kind of talk can get you permanently disabled.”

  “Yeah, like that movie, Scumface. You might get a Columbian hat rack.”

  “Scarface and a Columbian necktie, Earl.”

  “It scares me that I understood what he meant prior to your translation. As for babes, I haven’t had much time to seek any out yet. You’ve been keeping me pretty busy down at the plant and I’ve been spending a lot of time getting settled in.”

  It was true that Jack had been putting in long hours. He would still be there when we left and would be on his second cup of coffee most mornings when we arrived.

  “Jack, you have got most of Elwood’s messes cleaned up and you seem to understand the business. So feel free to work a normal human schedule and have some fun. You’re making great money, driving a new Corvette, and you have one of the nicest apartments in town (tiny, my ass). Hell, you’re such a babe magnet, I’d settle for some of your shavings. So take some time to enjoy.”

  “Yeah, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

  Jack and I did simultaneous spit takes into our beers. Earl actually got one right!

  “What? I was just kidding. Jack is the sharpest spoon in the drawer that I know.”

  That’s the Earl we know and love.

  Jack appeared to get serious for a moment. “You know, dudes, not everything Elwood did was horrible. Take that porn operation he leased our building to. I hear that “Debbie Does Distillation” went double platinum on the adult video charts. In fact, at their last awards ceremony, I hear it won three Stiffies.”

  Jack said everything with such a straight face; it was hard to know when he was pulling our legs. Regardless of the truth of that little gem, it caused me to again spew a bit of beer across the table.

  “Well, with that, gents, I gotta run. Need to work up this month’s financial update for tomorrow’s presentation.”

  As Jack gracefully glided out of the bar, so did some of the fresh air. I swear, the lights dimmed a bit, the sweat and slight sewer smell came back, and the distortion returned to the cheap background speakers. Then there was Doris…

  “Are you shit stains gonna take up my precious time yakking like stupid sluts or are you gonna give me my fucking tip and get the hell out of here. I gotta go do my Jack jerk off while he’s still fresh in my mind. This girl’s got needs you know.”

  Yes, Jack was definitely a game changer.