MBA - Moron$ Ba$ and A$$

by Jeff Blackwell

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Midnight Confessions

  Will regained some semblance of order. “Ok, big man, let’s hear from you. How in the hell did you wind up crashing through that window in the nick of time?”

  Earl grinned ear to ear. “I think I might make me a cape with a big ‘E’ on it and call myself ‘Super Earl the Carolina Crusader’ or something like that.”

  “I’m sure that would make your family proud,” I said with an exaggerated eye roll.

  “Can we just get on with it? I’m old, I have a shitload of paperwork to fill out and it’s already way past my bedtime.”

  “You got it, Will. I woke up around midnight and noticed Bread wasn’t curled up in his usual position at the foot of the bed. I quietly slipped outside and went to find him. I know he has been sneaking into the plant at night, so I headed that direction. My Super Earl senses started tingling when I noticed flashing lights coming from one of the windows on the third floor of the Administration building. It was time to swing into action.”

  “Ah, Christ, just tell it straight. Victoria’s got to be missing my hot bod by now. And I’ll kick all your collective asses if anyone makes even the slightest crack about Victoria’s bod.

  “Got it. I forgot about Bread for a few minutes and headed toward the flashes. As I got closer, I could tell it was the office next to mine which belonged to Charles.”

  “Chuck,” said Charles with a resigned look on his face.

  “Right, Chuck’s office. I thought I ought to get a better look so I climbed up the big oak outside his window. When I peered into his office I about shit my shoes. I saw a naked lady, a professional wrestler in a nice suit holding a gun, a hairy back in a chair and Mick looking like somebody farted.”

  Will sighed and said, “So, you called me. I told you I was on the way and to stay right where you were. But you thought it was a better idea to do a Rocky the Flying Squirrel imitation and launch yourself at his window leading with your size fourteen steel-toed boots.”

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  “I would arrest you for disobeying a peace officer and general stupidity if you weren’t such a fucking hero right now.”

  The look on Earls’ face was almost identical to the look on Bread’s face when I told him what a good boy he was a few hours ago. Except for the slobber. Earl’s, I mean.

  “All right boys. I’m outta here. Stick around town for the next few days. I’m going to need to get detailed statements from y’all.”

  Will unwound his six five frame from the booth and sauntered towards the door. I caught Doris checking out his ass from across the diner and got a one figured salute from her in return.

  “I’m a bit worried, guys.”

  “Mick, you were just rescued by our hero here from the clutches of some insane business tycoon sociopath and his au natural spawn from Hell. So what, other than Doris’s meatloaf, do you have to be worried about?”

  “I’m worried about that slick asshole and bonkers bitch spinning some crazy tale and talking their way out of this thing. All we’ve got is our ‘he said / she said’ story and Will hearing something about someone making up a rape fable. Maybe if we have some raw pictures of Dusty writhing on top of a comatose Chuck…”

  “Not so much,” Earl chimed in. “Will told me the camera got busted during the commotion.”

  “Shit. So why doesn’t Timex make cameras?”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind.”

  From somewhere out of the blue, I heard a booming voice that sent chills down to the very depths of my being. “I don’t think you’ll be giving any orders about now, Mick. Why don’t you place your hands on top of your head...”

  THE SHAREHOLDER!!! How the hell had he gotten away and got a gun? I did a three-sixty trying to spot him as my nuts pulled back up into my body.

  All I saw was Earl and Chuck covering their mouths trying to stifle their giggles.

  “Show him, Chuck.”

  “Jesus, Mick, you’re whiter than a blizzard at a Klan rally. Take a look at this.”

  Chuck pulled a metallic box about the size of a deck of cards from his pocket.

  “Remember last year when that electronics vendor came to look at X-400 and gave us all digital recorders? I took mine to the meeting with Dusty because I was worried I wouldn’t recall or even understand half of what she said. I remembered to turn it on as I was walking up the stairs to my office. I got the whole enchilada recorded right here!”

  “Yeah, Chuck was playing all that moaning and groaning that Dusty was doing on top of him for me before you got here.”

  “You two are a couple of perverts. But, at least one of you is a genius pervert for recording the proceedings. I guess we got ‘em by the short hairs.”

  “Besides that, Mick, I think we are going to have an Olympic caliber race to the courthouse between father and daughter to see who can sell out who the fastest.”

  “No doubt.”

  “In addition, I do have this.”

  Chuck held up a small wafer in his right hand.

  “The SD card from the camera.”

  “Very good, Mick. I’m sure it has a nice collection of Dusty in positions most of us have never thought about on top of my shirtless bod.”

  “I’m sure I’ve thought about the majority of them. Just not with you in the picture. So what are you going to do with it?”

  “There is no way I want these shown at any trial or finding their way to my wife no matter how innocent we know they are. So I’m going to take it home and lock it in my safe.”

  “Only to take it out when Rhonda is visiting her aunt and you need it to get through a cold lonely North Carolina night. Like I said, I know you are a true pervert at heart.”

  “Speaking of which, Mick, I gotta ask.”

  “What, Chuck?”

  “Look, this Chuck thing is OK for now. But it remains Charles to my face at the office. Got it?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Anyway, I don’t mean to be rude or crude here…”

  “Sure you do.”

  “What was it like?”

  “What was what like?”

  “Having Dusty naked on top of you? I mean, I know she was on top of me most of the evening too, but I was ninety-five percent passed out.”

  “Yeah, Chuck, and I was so pissed I couldn’t see straight. I had the back of a chair trying to dislodge my clavicle. I was being stabbed in the ass by shards of glass and I was expecting to be shot at any moment. The last things going through my mind were thoughts of a sexual nature.”

  “Bullshit. C’mon, Mick, it had to be pretty sweet, at least for a few seconds. And I know our minds work independently from our most important equipment.”

  “All right, it was a few quick seconds of Penthouse Forum. I’ll cop to a twitch, or maybe two, but that’s it.”

  “Honesty, Mick. Doesn’t it feel good?”

  “Well, as long as were being honest, maybe I should tell you guys something.”

  “What, Earl?”

  “You know how I climbed up that tree outside of Chuck’s window?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I had to get up higher than his window on one of the back branches so I could see in.”

  “Ok.”

  “And you know I called Will and he told me to stay put?”

  “Right, Earl, get on with it. We all have to go to work in a few hours.”

  “I’m no dummy and I’m no hero. Not really. My plan was to stay firmly rooted in that tree until Will arrived. But, when I saw the naked Dusty bend over to pick something up, I leaned forward for a better view and kind of slipped. I fell off the branch and grabbed a lower one with my right hand. I guess my forward momentum swung me into and through that window.”

  Chuck and I looked at each other and then at the look of shame on Earl’s face.

  “You mean you were trying to snatch a glimpse o
f snatch and wound up snatching us from the jaws of death?”

  “I guess that’s about right.”

  Chuck and I leaned backed and roared with laughter. Earl joined in shortly.

  “All hail the power of pussy!”