Frank Einstein and the Bio-Action Gizmo

by Jon Scieszka

  But there is no explaining how the kid with the big boots and bad haircut got himself super-wedgied, spanked, and tied to a tree with all that knotted rope.

  And he won’t talk about it.

  Dusk in the far-northern end of the Midville preserve.

  Earth, as always, spins on its axis, revolves around the sun.

  The setting sun lights a nest of roughly woven branches high in a young oak tree.

  In the nest, a dark-furred animal crouches over an invention.

  Its long fingers pick and weave and twist and knot.

  The animal finishes.

  It holds its work up in the last light of the sun for inspection.

  It is a bag.

  A knotted rope bag.

  A reusable, recycled, world-changing rope bag.

  The animal looks over its shoulder at the first star of the evening just above the western horizon.

  The animal thinks about the star, about its own star—the Sun, about the universe.

  The animal decides . . .

  “Oooook.”

  Watson pokes a stick in the fire they have built behind Grampa Al’s barn. A bright shower of orange sparks spirals up into the starry night.

  “I never would have thought, in a million years, that we would ever be helped . . . not to mention saved . . . by T. Edison’s chimp!”

  Frank Einstein looks into the fire. “I don’t think he is T. Edison’s chimp anymore. If he ever was.” Frank taps the fire-pit rocks with his own stick. “I wonder what happened? And what he might be up to?”

  Klank hums, “He might just want to be a chimpanzee.”

  Klink adds, “Or the chimpanzee King of the World.”

  Frank leans back and looks up at all the stars spread across the inky blue sky. He spots the brightest light, low on the western horizon. The planet Venus. Sometimes called the evening star.

  “Wooowwww. What a sight. It’s got me thinking. . .?”

  Watson sits up. “No. We do not want to know what it’s got you thinking. Because what you are thinking is probably just another way to get us almost killed! Again.”

  “What . . .” says Frank. “I was just thinking about our amazing planet. And how amazing other planets are. And that all the planets make our amazing solar system. And all those solar systems make galaxies. And all those galaxies—”

  “That is true,” confirms Klink. He pounds his hammer and reports, “This planet you call Earth is located in the Sol Solar System . . . of the Milky Way Galaxy . . . of the Local Group of Galaxies . . . of the Virgo Supercluster . . . of the Known Universe.”

  Frank points his stick toward their makeshift Wall of Science in the bam. “All making our final subject, our last column. . .”

  Frank stirs the fire and sends up another wild spray of orange sparks. “Are you with me?”

  “No,” says Watson. “Absolutely not.”

  “Interesting,” says Klink.

  Klank looks uncomfortable. “Watson, would you please pull my finger?”

  Watson, still worried about Frank’s next idea, not thinking, pulls Klank’s finger. And releases a loud blatttt of built-up gas.

  Watson holds his nose. “Awwwwwwwww man!”

  “Great!” says Frank Einstein. “I’ll take that as three yeses.”

  Watson rolls around on the ground.

  “Sorry,” says Klank.

  Frank laughs.

  “OK, first we fix Klank. . ..

  “And then we explore . . . the universe.”

  WATSON’S FAVORITE ACRONYMS (AND INITIALISMS)

  An ACRONYM is a word made by taking the initial letters (or groups of letters) in a series of words. . . and pronouncing them as a new word.

  SCUBA Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus

  RADAR RAdio Detection and Ranging

  TASER Adapted from the 1911 book by Victor Appleton, Tom Swift and His Electric Rifle

  Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle

  LASER Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

  SONAR SOund NAvigation Radar

  ZIP CODE Zone Improvement Plan Code

  An INITIALISM is like an acronym—you use the first letters of other words to make a word—but the difference is you pronounce each letter.

  UFO Unidentified Flying Object

  SUV Sport Utility Vehicle

  FYI For Your Information

  MD Medical Doctor

  ADD Attention Deficit Disorder

  AKA Also Known As

  SOS Save Our Souls

  OK (No one knows for sure . . .)

  Here’s a list of business acronyms and initialisms:

  ADIDAS Founder Adi (nickname for Adolph) Dassler

  BVD Bradley, Voorhees, and Day (originally women’s undergarment makers)

  CVS Consumer Value Store

  GEICO Government Employees Insurance Company

  M&MS Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie

  NABISCO National Biscuit Company

  NECCO New England Confectionery Company

  SUNOCO Sun Oil Company

  GRAMPA ALS SHRINK YOUR PLASTIC FOOTPRINT

  Most of us don’t know how much plastic we use and throw away. But we do know that it should be a lot less.

  So here is what we can all do:

  • Figure out how much plastic you use and throw away.

  • Use less, and you throw away less.

  STEP I

  • Get a notebook.

  • Make a record of how much plastic you use and throw away in a day.

  • Keep this record for a week.

  STEP 2

  • Look for ways you can use less plastic.

  • Carry a reusable bag.

  • Don’t buy plastic individual water bottles.

  • Don’t use straws.

  • Don’t use plastic cups, utensils, or take-out containers.

  • Recycle the plastic you do use.

  STEP 3

  • Follow the U.S. EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) slogan: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

  STEP 4

  • Look into online groups such as Plastic Bank, 5 Gyres, Ocean Conservancy, Life Without Plastic, Plastic-Free Tuesday, and Plastic Pollutes.

  STEP 5

  • Save the world.

  FRANK EINSTEIN’S MAKE YOUR OWN BIO-ACTION GIZMO

  MATERIALS

  1 hank of cotton clothesline

  1 ball of string

  KNOTS TO USE

  Lark’s Head Knot

  Overhand Knot

  1. Cut a section of clothesline about eight feet long. This is going to be the top of your bag and its two handles.

  2. Cut sixteen sections of string, each four feet long.

  3. Lay clothesline (rope) across a table. Weight or tie down ends.

  4. Double each length of string.

  Start six inches in from one end of your rope. Loop each of the sixteen doubled strings onto the rope with a Lark’s Head Knot. Place them about one-and-a-half inches apart.

  5. Beginning with the second and third string, tie an overhand knot about two-and-a-half inches down from the rope.

  6. Tie the same overhand knot with the next two strings.

  7. And the next two.

  8. And the next two.

  9. When you get to the last string, go back to the first two strings, go down another one-and-a-half inches, and tie another overhand knot.

  10. Repeat, repeat, repeat. . . until you have a whole net hanging from your rope.

  11. Tie an overhand knot in the end of your rope (this is to stop your next knot from slipping off the end).

  12. Make the loop for the opening of your B.A.G. by forming a circle with the loose end of the rope.

  Tie it off with your Lark’s Head Knot.

  13. Complete the circle by tying the last untied string to the first string using overhand knots.

  14. Make one handle by looping the rope back to the other side of the circle. Tie it there with another Lark’s Head Knot. />
  15. Make the second handle by tying the rope next to your first end knot. Using, guess what knot? That’s right, the Lark’s Head.

  16. Tie off all of the hanging ends of the string together with any kind of knots you like in order to secure the bottom of your B.A.G.

  17. Use your BIO-ACTION GIZMO wherever you go.

  Congratulate yourself for being part of the solution. Feel good about helping save our planet.

  LUMPY THE LUMP OF COAL “FOSSIL FUELS ARE COOL!” RAP

  My name is Lumpy, the Lump of Coal, And spreading the cool word about fossil fuels is my goal.

  Coal, oil, and gas. . . are called fossil fuels, Because they were made in the days before dinosaurs had duels.

  We burn fossil fuels to make electricity and power, For the lights and heat and cars and stuff we use every hour.

  Once you use fossil fuels, they are no longer doable Which is why this energy source is called “nonrenewable.”

  You might have heard noise about fossil fuels’greenhouse effect. But just look around—our planet’s not wrecked!

  So if you want the cool power of millions of horses Dig coal, oil, and gas—our dope fresh energy sources.

  T. EDISON’S TOTALLY NOT-STOLEN INVENTIONS FROM HIS NOTEBOOK

  • BUILD TWO ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ROBOTS.

  Use parts around the shop.

  Wire electronic brains so they can teach themselves.

  • MAKE ANTI-MATTER COMBUSTION ENGINE.

  Use energy created by combination of Matter and Antimatter.

  Use it as a motor for bike.

  • INVENT A PHONE THAT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PLUGGED IN.

  Maybe call it the Edison Self Phone.

  • DELIVERY SYSTEM FOR WIRELESS POWER.

  Like lightning, static electricity from tip of finger . . .

  Call it the Edison Electro-Hand.

  • SOMETHING TO TURBO-BOOST BRAINWAVES.

  Oh yes, something like a baseball cap. With a Brainwave Turbo.

  Call it the Edison BrainWaver.

  • A GLASS BULB THAT CAN PRODUCE LIGHT.

  Make a tiny wire that can be heated with electricity to glow.

  Surround it with a glass bulb.

  We should call it the Edison Light Bulb.

  • SOME KIND OF DEVICE TO SPEED UP EVOLUTION. FORWARD AND BACKWARD.

  Crosswire a DNA splitter/rezipper into something like, oh, I don’t know, a championship wrestling belt. Use it to hop around the evolutionary Circle of Life. Edison EvoBomber Belt would be a great name.

  JON SCIESZKA is a mammal living in the Holocene Epoch of the Cenozoic Era of the planet Earth. He is the author of a lot of books, the founder of Guys Read, and the first National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. He can usually be found near Latitude 40° 39” 56” N Longitude 73° 58” 11” W. And for the love of Gaia, he takes his Bio-Action Gizmo with him wherever he goes.

  BRIAN BIGGS has illustrated enough books to fill thousands of plastic bags and circle the globe twenty-four times. He is the writer and illustrator of the Everything Goes series, as well as the Tinyville Town series for Abrams Appleseed. He lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where he worries about the climate as he sits on his porch watching the asphalt melt.

  TO GAIA. FOR EVERYTHING

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. NAMES, CHARACTERS, PLACES, AND INCIDENTS ARE EITHER THE PRODUCT OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATION OR ARE FICTITIOUS, AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENTS, EVENTS, OR LOCALES IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL

  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

  NAMES: SCIESZKA, JON/BIGGS, BRIAN, AUTHOR. 1 SCIESZKA, JON. FRANK EINSTEIN; 5.

  TITLE: FRANK EINSTEIN AND THE BIO-ACTION GIZMO / BY JON SCIESZKA AND BRIAN BIGGS.

  DESCRIPTION: NEW YORK: AMULET BOOKS, AN IMPRINT OF ABRAMS, 2017. 1 SERIES: FRANK EINSTEIN; 5 1 SUMMARY: BOY GENIUS AND INVENTOR FRANK EINSTEIN AND HIS ROBOT PALS KLINK (INTELLIGENT) AND KLINK (SORT-OF INTELLIGENT) STUDY THE SCIENCE OF ECOLOGY AND CONSERVATION AS THEY TRY TO STOP CLASSMATE AND ARCHRIVAL T. EDISON AND HIS LOGGERS FROM DESTROYING THE MIDVILLE FOREST PRESERVE.

  IDENTIFIERS: LCCN 2018044182 1

  ISBN 978-1-4197-2297-4

  eISBN 978-1-68335-062-0

  SUBJECTS: LCSH: INVENTORS—JUVENILE FICTION. 1 ROBOTS—JUVENILE FICTION. 1 ECOLOGY—JUVENILE FICTION. 1 NATURE CONSERVATION—JUVENILE FICTION. 1 CYAC: INVENTORS—FICTION. 1 ROBOTS—FICTION. 1 ECOLOGY—FICTION. 1 CONSERVATION OF NATURAL RESOURCES—FICTION. 1 SCIENCE FICTION. 1 HUMOROUS STORIES. 1 LCGFT: SCIENCE FICTION. 1 HUMOROUS FICTION.

  CLASSIFICATION: LCC PZ7.S41267 FRH 2017 1 DDC 813.54 [FIC]—DC23

  LC RECORD AVAILABLE AT HTTPS://LCCN.LOC.GOV/2016044182

  TEXT COPYRIGHT © 2017 JRS WORLDWIDE LLC

  ILLUSTRATIONS COPYRIGHT © 2017 BRIAN BIGGS

  BOOK DESIGN BY CHAD W. BECKERMAN

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