What Comes After

by Toppen, Melissa

  I want him so badly it’s painful. No, strike that. I need him. Like my lungs need air. It’s like he is the only thing tethering me to Earth and the moment he lets go I will float away.

  “Abel.” I pant against his mouth when he lowers me to my feet, his fingers opening my shorts with ease.

  “I want you,” he pants, kissing me as he slides my shorts down my thighs. “I need you.” He hitches his thumbs into my panties and tugs them down. “I have to have you.” He swipes his tongue across my lower lip, causing me to let out an audible moan.

  And then his hand slips between my legs and I melt into a puddle of mush under his touch. How can I not? How could I possibly resist a man that has this much power over me.

  The connection we share – the chemistry – it’s unlike anything I have ever felt before and am fairly certain will ever feel again.

  “Tell me you want me,” he pleads, his lips against my mouth.

  “I want you.” I let out a soft cry when he plunges two fingers inside of me.

  As if this is the undoing of us both, he slides his hands down to the hem of my shirt and lifts, depositing it somewhere on the floor, before, with one hand, he quickly removes my bra. I’m exposed, vulnerable, and damn if it isn’t the best feeling in the world.

  Snaking his arms around my waist, he lifts me and turns, taking the few steps across the room to the bed, before setting me on top of the thick comforter the moment he reaches it.

  His eyes roam my body. A hunger behind them that would make even the strongest woman putty in his hands.

  He slides off his shirt and I can’t stop my gaze from roaming his broad chest. I pause on the tattoo scribbled right above his heart. Finley. A dull ache forms in my chest but I push it away. I can’t let his pain become mine.

  I force my gaze to shift to his defined abs, dipping lower when he undoes the buckle of his pants.

  It’s enough to redirect my attention.

  Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out his wallet and removes a condom from one of the slots. I hold my breath as he removes his jeans and boxers in one quick movement. He places the condom wrapper in his mouth and rips it open with his teeth before rolling it onto his impressive length.

  He places his hands on the bed and slowly crawls up my body. By the time he settles on top of me, I’m shaking like a tree in the middle of a windstorm. My branches fly every which way and my leaves are torn from their home and flutter to the ground beneath me.

  “Peyton.” He stills on top of me, his erection heavy against my thigh. “Are you sure this is what you want?” Where he’s been confident, he now seems unsure and this has me scrambling to reassure him.

  “I’m sure.” I nod. “I’m very sure. I want this. I want you.” I pull his face down to mine and kiss him gently.

  “I can’t promise you anything,” he murmurs against my lips. “As much as I want to, I can’t right now.”

  “I’m not asking for anything.” I spread my legs, causing his body to settle between them. “I just want this. You. Right now.” I lift my hips, letting out a soft whimper when he presses his length against my core. “Please,” I moan, so desperate I’d probably get down on my knees and beg for it at this point.

  Abel kisses me, slow and deep, silencing me. His movements are slow and calculated. The soft stroke of his hand down my side. The light nudge of his hip against my inner thigh as he spreads me wider. The gentle way his fingers touch me as he lines himself at my entrance.

  I hold my breath, waiting for the moment of impact. Waiting for the moment that I know will change everything. And when that moment comes, it’s like everything in me comes alive all at once. Like my body is recognizing this is who it’s been searching for.

  Tears blur my vision, all of my senses overwhelmed as Abel begins to slowly move inside of me. I’m lost to the feeling. To him. Floating away on a cloud I never, ever want to come down from.

  It’s not long before soft and sweet morphs into hard and carnal, Abel taking something from me that he so desperately needs. That I’m more than willing to give to him.

  I lift my hips, meeting him thrust for thrust as we move together in perfect synchronization. Each one taking us higher and higher. Bringing us closer and closer, until both of us are dangling off the cliff, fighting like hell to hang on.

  My fingers slip and I go tumbling down, free falling into the abyss as my body explodes around Abel, taking him down with me.

  It takes several beats before we’re able to catch our breath. Abel’s body covers mine like a heavy blanket, his heart hammering so hard and fast I can feel it against my chest.

  In a euphoric bliss, I move my fingers lazily up and down his back, but it’s not long before my mind starts to run away from me, and I can tell by the way he withdraws into himself that he’s doing the very same thing.

  “I’m sorry.” He lets out a heavy breath and rolls off of me.

  “Sorry?” I question, propping up on my elbows to watch him slide out of bed.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking.” He shakes his head as if to remove a thick fog that’s closing in around him as he begins to get dressed.

  “Abel.” I sit up and push off the bed, making quick work of collecting my clothes. “There’s no reason to be sorry. I’m not,” I tell him, stepping in front of him with my clothes balled up against my chest.

  “I don’t want to lead you on. I promised myself that I wouldn’t.”

  “How are you leading me on?” I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “We didn’t do anything wrong. We’re both consenting adults who did something we wanted.” I’m shocked by how confident and sure I sound. Normally, I’d be running for the door the moment he crawled out of bed. But not this time. Not with Abel. I want him, and damn if I’m going to be ashamed of that.

  “I know. But the problem is, I like you. Like really like you. And honestly, Peyton, it scares me a little.”

  “I feel the same way, and it scares me too.”

  “I’m not capable of giving you what you want.”

  “Why are you so sure you know what I want? Maybe this is what I want. Maybe I just want to have sex with a man I’m very attracted to. Is that so wrong?”

  He seems to think on this for a moment, his expression softening slightly.

  “I’m making it weird, aren’t I?”

  “Truthfully, a little.”

  “Fuck, I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to do this anymore.”

  “How to do what?”

  “This.” He gestures between us. “I haven’t had anything more than random one-night stands since...”

  “Since Finley died.” As I finish his sentence for him, my heart cracks straight down the middle. Only it’s not breaking for me, it’s breaking for him. I can see it; the uncertainty, the fear, the indecision. It’s etched into every feature of his face.

  He nods slowly.

  “I don’t know how to do this with someone I know. Someone I actually really like.”

  “We don’t have to make this something. We don’t ever have to do this again if you don’t want to.”

  “That’s the problem. I do want to.”

  “Why is that a problem?”

  “Because feelings always get in the way when sex is involved.”

  “So, we won’t let them.” As if it’s that easy.

  Already my feelings have multiplied by a trillion and that’s after only one time. I can’t imagine how I will feel a week from now, or even a month. He’s under my skin, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to tell him that. Because I don’t want this to end. Not when it’s only just beginning. There’s something here. Something buried deep beneath the pain and guilt he holds onto like a vice. Something that tells me Abel and I could be good together. More than just good, if the sex is any indication. Hell, we could be epic. And that’s what I want. The epic kind of love. And while I know I’ll never replace Finley, and I would never want to, I’m hoping maybe there’s enough room in his hear
t for the both of us.

  So instead, I plaster on an easy smile and do the only thing I can. I pretend. I pretend like I’m capable of a casual relationship in hopes that it grows into more.

  Maybe that makes me stupid and weak, that I would bend on what I want to make a man happy. But isn’t that what a relationship is? Bending when we need to and standing firm when necessary. I see the battle he’s waging inside himself, so this is the time that I bend.

  “You really think you’re capable of just sex?” he asks, still not convinced.

  “Why don’t we try it and find out. Because I don’t know about you, but I want more.” I drop my clothes and reach up, locking my hands around the back of his neck. “I want so, so much more.” I press up on my tip toes and trail my tongue lightly across his bottom lip.

  “Fuck me.” He groans and I feel him starting to harden against me.

  “Is that my answer?” I pull back, a knowing smile on my face.

  “What do you think?” he asks, seconds before I find myself pinned between Abel and the bed. A place I’ve decided I never want to leave.

  ——

  “There you are.” Henna spots me right as I hit the bottom step leading into the great room.

  “Hey.” I try to act completely normal even though I’m freaking out a little on the inside.

  “Where have you been?” She eyes me curiously.

  “I was outside for a while and then I went upstairs to the bathroom. Those Long Islands didn’t agree with my stomach.” I run my hand along my belly.

  “Is that why you look so out of sorts? Were you up there getting sick?”

  “I’m better now,” I say without actually answering her question.

  “You sure?”

  “Yep. I feel great.”

  “Okay, well we’re all going down to the hot tub. I wanted to see if you want to join us.”

  “I don’t have a suit.”

  “You don’t need one. Sven has an entire closet of swimsuits.”

  “Of course he does.” I laugh.

  “So, what do you say?”

  “Um, can I get back to you on that? I want to find Abel real fast and see what he’s up to.”

  “Yeah, okay. Just don’t wait too long or there won’t be any spots left.”

  “Yeah. Yeah.” I shoo her away, waiting until she’s disappeared from view before giving Abel, who was hiding around the corner at the top of the stairs, the all clear.

  He peeks his head out and hits me with a wide smile before he comes bounding down the stairs.

  “I think I’m going to like this sneaking around thing,” he murmurs as he passes me.

  I don’t know how we ended up deciding to keep this ‘casual’ relationship between us. After a little talking, we both agreed it would be easier for now. Easier for whom I’m not yet certain. A part of me thinks he’s ashamed of me. Maybe not me specifically, but of being with me. Like people will think less of him because his wife died.

  Eventually he’s going to see that all anyone wants is for him to move on and find happiness again. Am I hoping that he’ll find that with me? Of course I am. But again, something I will keep to myself... for now.

  “So, do you want to go to the hot tub?” I ask, following Abel down the hallway into the massive kitchen. He heads over to the back counter where there are several liquor bottles lining the top.

  “Nah, I’m not a fan of hot tubs.”

  “Me either,” I admit. “Besides, even if I did get in, I wouldn’t last more than five minutes. I overheat so easily.”

  “Then it’s settled.” He knocks his hip with mine as I watch him make me another drink.

  “So, what do you want to do?” I ask, looking at the side of his handsome face.

  “I can think of a few things.” He smiles, turning to hand me my finished drink.

  “Again?” I wiggle my eyebrows playfully at him.

  “Good god, woman. You’re insatiable.” He chuckles, popping the top off a bottle of beer before sucking half the contents back in one long pull.

  “Me? You’re the one that started it the third time.” I wave my finger at him, laughter vibrating through my voice.

  “Well, maybe if you weren’t so damn addicting.” He leans in.

  “Oh, so it’s my fault.” I slide my nose against his.

  “Damn straight.” He smiles, pulling back when a random guy comes strolling into the kitchen.

  “Come on. Sven has an incredible movie room downstairs. What do you say we grab some blankets and go hide out down there? He has just about every movie you can think of.”

  “I’d like that.” I nod, turning to follow him out of the kitchen.

  I don’t know how we got here. How we went from awkwardly flirting, to having sex, to uncertainty over if we could continue to have sex, to having more sex, to existing like normal people. One thing that’s become crystal clear over the course of this night is that Abel Collins is one hell of a roller coaster ride and so far, I’ve only gone down the first hill.

  I don’t know what will come of this. Maybe it’ll blow up in my face. Maybe it’ll turn out to be the best damn thing I’ve ever done. Either way I’m strapped in and the ride’s already moving. There’s no getting off now.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Abel

  “Hey there.” Aunt Claudia slides into the booth across from me. “How’s the shake?” She gestures to the frozen drink in front of me.

  “It’s good.” I smile, twisting the glass in between my hands.

  “Everything okay?”

  “If I tell you something, do you think you could keep it just between us?” I ask.

  “How many times have you asked me that and how many times have I told you no?” She gives me a knowing look.

  “Never.” I chuckle.

  “Exactly. So, lay it on me, kid.” She’s referred to me that way since I was a literal kid. I have a feeling she’s not going to stop anytime soon.

  “I met someone,” I say, letting the words I’ve been holding in so desperately flow freely from my lips.

  “You met someone?” she repeats, waiting for me to continue.

  “Peyton.” I smile at her name, still not sure how it makes me feel that I can’t even say her name without smiling.

  After the other night I can’t think straight. She’s on my mind constantly, except she’s not the only one there. I swear I’ve never felt so conflicted about something in my entire life. And while we haven’t actually spoken since Sven’s party, I have a feeling she’s probably thinking about me just as much.

  “You look happy,” Claudia observes, pulling me back to the present.

  “I am. Well, for the most part.”

  “For the most part?” she questions.

  “Well, the thing is, we’re trying this whole casual thing, and to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, we’ve decided to keep it between us. At least for now.”

  “And so you’re telling me why?”

  “Because I need some advice and you’re the only one I could think of that won’t judge me and will give it to me straight.”

  “Well at least I’m good for something.” She gives me a toothy grin.

  “You’re good for more than that. But I really do need your advice.”

  “Okay.” She waits for me to continue.

  “The thing is, I really like this girl.”

  “Okay, so what’s the problem?”

  “That is the problem.” I scratch the scruff on my chin. “On one hand, I feel happier than I have in a very long time. On the other I feel guilty.”

  “Because of Finley?”

  “That, and because I feel like I’m leading her on.”

  “Did she agree to the casual relationship?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why do you feel like you’re leading her on?”

  “Because she wants more. I know she does. And I want to give her more. It’s the first time since Finley died that I can actually see myself being
with someone else. But I’m afraid I won’t ever get to the point where I can give her more. I’m afraid I’m broken and nothing she can do will fix me.”

  “Abel, you’re not broken. And she doesn’t need to fix you. You lost someone you love very much. Learning where you fit into life after that person is gone is probably one of the hardest things to do. But Abel, you can do it. You just have to let yourself.”

  “I feel like I shouldn’t let myself.”

  I’ve spent countless hours going over and over this in my head. Why I should. Why I shouldn’t. Why I feel the way I feel. Why I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty than I do. It’s exhausting. And while this whole thing with Peyton just started two days ago, already I feel like I’m fighting a battle I can’t possibly win.

  “You can’t think that way. Finley would want you to be happy, to move on. You know that. The only person holding you back is you.”

  “But I don’t know how.”

  “Well, you can start by taking that off.” She gestures to my left hand where my wedding band sits on my ring finger.

  I shake my head, the thought making me almost queasy. “I can’t,” I croak.

  “Yes, you can. And you need to. Finley’s gone, Abel. Nothing and no one will bring her back. You have to find a way to let her go. You can start with that ring.”

  I twirl the band around my finger but can’t find it in me to remove it.

  “Do you like this girl?” Claudia asks, pulling my gaze back to her.

  “I do.”

  “If you want a future you have to learn to let go of the past.”

  “I worry that if I let this go too far I’ll realize I can’t love her the way I love Finley.”

  “You’re never going to love anyone the way you do Finley and you shouldn’t want to. What you two shared was special, rare, and can’t ever be replaced. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone just as much. That love will just be different and that’s okay. It doesn’t make it mean any less.”

  “I want to let her go and yet I don’t know if I can. I miss her so much. Every single day, every moment that passes, I think of her. Of what our lives would be like if she were still alive. Of all the things we could have done together.”