“I’m right here, aren’t I?” I hold my arms out.
“You know I worry about you.”
“You don’t need to worry about me, Claire. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.” I wipe a hand over my face.
“Yeah, I can see that.” She gestures to the empty beer bottles lining the coffee table. “What’s going on?” Her gaze comes to mine and her expression instantly softens. “Did something happen with Peyton?”
“Well, if you qualify her getting hit by a car a couple of days ago as something happening, then yes, I guess you could say something happened.”
“Peyton was hit by a car?” She gasps. “Is she okay?”
“She got a little banged up. Messed her arm up pretty good, but yeah, she’s okay.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t call me. I want to know exactly what happened, but there’s something I’ve got to ask you first.” She pauses. “Why are you here drinking yourself into a stupor and not there with her?”
“Truthfully, I don’t know.” I decide to be honest.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” she asks, sliding down on the couch next to me.
“When Henna called to tell me that Peyton was in an accident, I couldn’t get to her fast enough. Once I was at the hospital, there was no way I was leaving. But then the doctor came out and said she was out of surgery and would be fine and I swear all I heard was that she wasn’t. That she wasn’t okay. That she was gone. I knew that’s not what he was saying, but it felt like it was. Like this crushing weight just appeared on my shoulders and I could barely stand to wield it. I felt like I was back there all over again...”
“Abel.” Claire’s soft voice pulls my gaze to hers.
“I thought maybe I just needed a moment, but the weight only got heavier, and now I don’t know what to do. I want to be with her. I want to be with her so badly it hurts. But I can’t move under this weight.”
“You’re scared.”
“But why am I scared? She’s okay. She’s home, probably wondering why I’ve completely abandoned her. She’s okay, so why am I scared?”
“Because Finley was okay. And then she wasn’t.” She wraps her hand around the back of mine and squeezes. “You went numb after she was gone. You closed yourself off to meeting new people or forming any type of real relationship with anyone because you didn’t want anyone to get too close. Because if they got close, and you lost them...” She trails off. “But she got in. Someway, somehow, she managed to slip through the cracks in your armor that no one else could seem to penetrate. She got in, Abel, but that doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to lose her.”
“I don’t think I would survive it. I don’t think I’ll survive losing another person I love.”
“And yet you love so many in spite of that.” She gives me a soft smile. “Your friends. Your brothers. Your parents. Me. You can’t be afraid to love her too. You can’t base how you live your life on what could happen. You have to just live it. Count each day as a blessing and never take for granted a single moment you have with the people you love.”
“But what if I’m not ready to love her like that?”
“I hate to break it to you, Abel, but you already do.”
“What if I’m just not ready to let her go?” I admit, my voice cracking over the words. “Let Finley go. Peyton deserves more than a part of me.”
“Then give her more. Letting Finley go isn’t about forgetting her. It’s not about pretending she didn’t exist. It’s about living for her. She’s right here. Can’t you feel her? She’s a part of you and she’s a part of me. She lives through us. She lives through you. You owe it to her and to yourself, to do the most with the time you’ve been given. Time that Finley never got.”
“I feel like it all happened so fast that I haven’t had time to really process it all.”
“That’s how love works. It hits you right between the eyes before you ever see it coming.”
“I don’t know if I’ve told you this recently, or ever before for that matter, but I truly do not know what I would do without you in my life.”
“Yeah. I know.” She smiles. “I guess I am pretty great.” By her tone I can tell she’s teasing me.
“I mean it, Claire. You kept me going when even getting out of bed felt impossible. And you never gave up on me. When everyone said I should be moving on, you understood that I wasn’t ready. You’ve never pushed me unless I needed to be pushed. I just want you to know how much you mean to me.”
“You mean a lot to me too.” She bumps her shoulder into mine.
“When I knocked on your door for the first time almost four years ago, I never imagined this is where we would end up.” I relax back into the couch.
“Despite the loss that brought us together, I’m grateful to have you in my life.”
“Man, we’re really getting sappy here.” I try to lighten the moment.
“Hey, you started it.”
I think about that for a moment and realize she’s right. “I’ll give you that.”
“So,” she lets a few beats of silence pass between us. “What are you going to do? About Peyton?”
“I want to be with her.” I believe each word as it leaves my mouth because it’s true. I do want to be with her. “But in order to give her everything she deserves, I have to let go. I have to say goodbye. I have to set her free.” My eyes drift to the urn resting on the fireplace mantel.
“It’s time, Abel. You know it is.” Her gaze drifts to where mine is now locked. “I can go with you if you want.”
“No.” I shake my head, my focus going back to Claire. “I need to do this on my own.”
Chapter Thirty
Peyton
“There she is!” John strolls into my office with a wide smile on his face. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good.” I adjust in my chair. “My ribs are still pretty sore, but I feel good.”
Now if I could just get rid of this pain in my chest...
It’s been two weeks since my accident. Two weeks without Abel. Two weeks of sitting around my apartment driving myself crazy.
He text me. Once. Five days after my accident. It read: I have a few things to take care of. I’m sorry. Please don’t give up on me.
At first I felt hopeful, but as the days have continued to pass with nothing from Abel, that hope quickly dwindled, and completely vanished when I found out from Aaron that Abel had gone to California. He didn’t know why or for how long, only that he was gone. And even though I feel like I should be angrier, more than anything I feel sad. And I miss him. So much.
I’m hoping being back at work will offer a welcome distraction because lord knows I need one. My heartache is only heightened by having to endure the Aaron and Henna show every single day. It’s not bad enough that I’m miserable, but then they have to go flaunt their happiness right in my face.
I know it’s not intentional, but that doesn’t lessen the blow. Especially when Aaron smiles a certain way, when he looks the most like Abel. Every time his dimple makes an appearance, I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest with a knife. Because it reminds me of Abel...
“That’s good. Everyone here was so worried. We’re really glad to have you back.” John pulls me back to the conversation.
“I’m glad to be back.”
“I’m especially glad. Janice had to step in and help pick up some of your workload. I bet you can imagine the hell I’ve been through the last two weeks in your absence.” He gives me a knowing look. “So, do us all a favor and don’t go getting yourself hit by anymore cars, yeah?”
“That’s the plan.” I force a light laugh but it sounds foreign coming out of my mouth.
“I’ve got a meeting I’ve got to get to but if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to give me a holler.”
“Will do,” I tell him, offering him a half wave with my uninjured hand.
I spend my morning getting caught up on emails and my afternoon in meetings, tr
ying to play catch up with everything I’ve missed.
The day goes by in a blur and before I know it, I’m in my car headed home. Only I don’t want to go home. In fact, it’s the last place I want to be. So instead I drive.
No real destination. Just me and the road. I roll the windows down and let the warm evening air float inside, humming along to Florence and The Machine playing lightly on the radio.
I try to push out all thoughts of Abel and focus on my surroundings. On the feeling of my heart beating against my ribs. On the sound of my breath as it leaves my lungs. On the wind brushing against my face as it seeps in through the window. But he’s everywhere. And try as I may, I can’t shake him.
Deciding to pull over, I slide into the first empty parking spot I find and kill the engine. When I look in front of me, I’m surprised to see Jack’s Diner on the corner.
I instantly go back to the night Abel brought us here. I think it was that night that I really realized he was something special. Not that I hadn’t known it all along, but I feel like in a lot of ways that night was a turning point for us.
Before I realize what I’m doing, I climb from the car and head toward the diner. It takes me less than a minute to reach the front door, and I hesitate for a millisecond before pushing my way inside.
The diner looks different in the light of day. Maybe because it’s filled with people now, or maybe because the sunlight illuminates the imperfections that are easier to hide at night. Like the crack running along the seam of the checkered tile floor. Or the way most of the booths are torn and tattered, or how the wallpaper is peeling in the far corner behind the counter.
Or maybe this is exactly the way it looked, and I was just too high on alcohol and Abel to pay that much attention.
Reading the sign at the entrance that says please seat yourself, I quickly find an empty booth next to the door and slide into it.
I’ve been sitting no longer than a minute when an older woman approaches my table. It isn’t until she starts talking that I realize that I’ve seen her before. At Sam and Aaron’s wedding.
“You’re Abel’s aunt?” I blurt as she’s in the middle of asking me if I’m ready to order.
Her eyebrows knit together and then something passes over her features and her demeanor completely changes.
“Peyton.” She smiles.
“You remember me from the wedding?” I assume.
“Abel’s told me a lot about you.”
“He has?” I’m sure my shock shows on my face as well as in my tone.
“It’s nice to finally officially meet you. I’m Claudia.”
“Peyton.” I gesture to myself. “But you already knew that.” A nervous laugh escapes my throat.
“I was sorry to hear about your accident. I’m glad to see you’re doing better.”
“I am,” I choke out, my mind reeling.
He’s talked to her since my accident?
He’s talked to her about me???
“Such a scary thing. Did they get the person that hit you?”
“They did. She was distracted on her phone. At least that’s what she told the police. Her court hearing is next week.”
“Well I hope she gets jail time. She deserves it, if you ask me. Young people these days, always glued to their phones all the time. No offense,” she quickly adds as if assessing my age in her head.
“None taken.” I smile.
“Anyway, I’m just glad to see you’re okay. My nephew really cares about you, and between you and me, I didn’t know if I’d ever see that day come again.”
“Well I really care about him,” I tell her, leaving out the fact that I haven’t spoken to him since before the accident.
“I can see that.” She gives me a look I’m not sure I fully understand, then quickly directs back to business mode. “Now, what can I get for you, hon?”
“Well, Abel had me try a burger the last time we were here. I’ve been craving one ever since.”
“I’ll have to pass the message along to my husband that you’re a fan. He’s very proud of that recipe.”
“Well he should be. One of the best burgers I’ve ever had. And I mean that sincerely.”
“So, then a burger?”
“A burger,” I agree. “And while you’re at it, could you throw in some fries and a chocolate milk shake?” I ask, deciding this day is already a wash. Might as well eat my feelings. What else am I going to do with them?
“You got it, hon.” She slides the notepad back into the front of her apron without writing a word on it and turns, heading back toward the kitchen.
Chapter Thirty-one
Abel
The ocean waves lap at my feet as the sun begins to set over the horizon.
It’s exactly as I remember it, down to the very last detail. The smell of the sea. The sound of the water as it crashes against the shore. The feeling of the sand beneath my toes.
If I close my eyes I can almost picture it. I can see Finley, her green eyes bright as her dark hair blows in the breeze.
My heart aches and I clutch the urn closer to my chest.
“I’m not ready,” I whisper into the wind, letting it carry my words away.
“Yes, you are,” I hear Finley whisper back.
“I don’t think I can do this without you.”
“I’m with you, always.” Her soft voice vibrates through me as if she were actually standing next to me, speaking the words.
Emotion lodges in my throat.
“I love you so much. Every single second, of every single day. I’ll never stop.”
“You love her too.”
“It feels different this time,” I mutter to myself.
“It should. No love is the same. Just because you love her doesn’t mean you love me any less.”
I know it’s what she would say if she could. Because that was Finley. Beautiful. Selfless. Brave.
“No, it doesn’t,” I admit. “I didn’t think it could happen. I didn’t think there was any way I could look at someone and not see you. Not compare her to you. Not wish she was you. But then I met Peyton and I don’t know. I guess I can’t explain it. In some weird way I just knew. I knew she was the one. Even when I fought my feelings. Even when I pushed her away. Deep down I always knew.”
I know I probably look like a crazy person, standing ankle deep in the ocean, seemingly talking to myself. But honestly, I don’t care. This moment isn’t about what I look like to anyone who might happen upon me. It’s about Finley. It’s about Peyton. It’s about me. And this is something I have to do.
Twisting the top off the urn, I step further into the water.
“I will love you forever, Finley Collins. Until my dying breath. You are as much a part of me as I am myself. And as much as it kills me to let you go, I promised you I would. So, here we are, on our beach. The one where you agreed to be my wife. I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to do this without you, but I’m not here alone, because you’re here. I can feel you, even though I can’t see you. And I know this is what you want.”
Tears fall freely down my cheeks as I slowly turn the urn upside down, allowing Finley’s ashes to scatter on top of the water.
“Be free, my love. Until we meet again.”
I watch as the tide carries her out to sea, as she slowly disappears into nothing. And for a moment I feel like I’m losing her all over again. Pain rips through my chest, gnawing at my heart. It’s excruciating. Like a blade being twisted over and over again.
I walk further into the water until it’s at my knees. Then my chest. Until eventually I’m completely submerged under its weight. And I let it take me, willing it to swallow me whole and take me with her. But just as the darkness starts to take me under, Peyton’s face flashes through my mind.
I resurface with a sputter.
Looking around, I realize I’m a lot further from shore than I’d thought. Using the momentum of the waves, I’m able to swim back with ease.
When I reach the be
ach, I collapse onto the sand. Dropping my face into my hands, I do something I have never truly let myself do. I grieve. I grieve the loss of my wife. I grieve the loss of the life we could have had together. And for the first time since she died, I let myself feel every ounce of that pain. I don’t push it away or try to shove it into a dark corner. I let it consume every ounce of me until all I feel is that pain.
And that’s where I sit. On the beach. Watching the waves roll in. Feeling the crushing heaviness of my loss sitting down on top of me.
But then something shifts. I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like someone is physically removing the weight from my shoulders. And that’s when I look down...
Lying next to me is something that sends my mind and body reeling.
A feather.
It’s not colorful like the one that’s inked on Peyton’s foot, but the meaning behind it is just as powerful.
I pick it up, swirling the quill between my thumb and index finger as I remember what Peyton had said about her mom leaving feathers to let her know she’s still here. Maybe Finley is trying to tell me the same thing.
I take a deep inhale and let it out slowly, a calm settling the storm inside of me.
“I’m free and now you are too.”
“I love you,” I whisper to the wind.
“I love you too,” it whispers back.
Chapter Thirty-two
Peyton
“Come on, Henna, we’re gonna be late,” I holler through the apartment, growing more irritated by the second.
It was her idea to meet Sam and a couple of the other girls for drinks and now here we are, ten minutes before we’re supposed to be there and she’s still in the bathroom messing with her hair.
“I’m almost done,” she calls from the open door. “Two more minutes.”
“Two? You said that ten minutes ago,” I remind her.
“Just hold your horses,” she snips back, right as there is a knock on the door.
What Comes After Page 22
