Off To War (War Between The States)

by Sara R. Turnquist

  “Sitting down,” he indicated where she sat, reserving a seat for him. “I'm coming after punch for the two of us, but I wanted to see you and put my name on your dance card first.”

  Elizabeth held it away from him. “I'm sorry. It's full,” she lied.

  “Full? Even the last waltz?” His face darkened.

  “Yes.” She wanted him to hurt the way she did. It was wrong, but she couldn't stop herself.

  “But we always dance the last waltz together.” He made no attempt to disguise his hurt.

  She felt awful, but it didn't keep her from her own anger. “We also always go to dances together. Things change.” She whirled around and walked away.

  This time she knew where she was headed, straight for her father. Her parents had engaged the Taylors in conversation. Elizabeth wanted to roll her eyes. As if they don't spend enough time together as it is! But she knew it was only because of her anger with John that she felt that way. She approached the group, smiling.

  “Hello, Dr. Taylor, Mrs. Taylor.”

  “Hello, Elizabeth. You're looking well,” Mrs. Taylor replied.

  “Looks are deceiving, Mrs. Taylor. It is this very reason I have sought out my father. I fear I have developed a headache and would like to return home.”

  He gazed at her, his eyes clouded with doubt.

  She glanced past the Taylors and caught a glimpse of John and Diana conversing over punch, laughing together, enjoying each other's company, and a wave of nausea overcame her.

  “My goodness, you do look ill,” her mother said.

  “We should see you home straight away,” her father decided. “If you will excuse us,” he said to the Taylors.

  “I do not wish to spoil your evening nor steal you from such fine company. After all, I can make it home well enough in the carriage and have it sent back for you to return home at your convenience.”

  “Are you sure, dear? I'm not so certain we shouldn't go with you.” Her mother's face twisted in concern.

  “I'm sure, Mother,” she confirmed. “Nanny will care for me once I get home.” She was old enough to no longer need the services of their aging Nanny, but they kept her employed for Andrew's sake.

  Her mother's features relaxed with that assurance.

  “I'll walk you out,” her father said.

  She took her father's arm and allowed him lead her through collecting her wrap, saying her farewells to the host and hostess, and being loaded into the carriage.

  “Now, in my medicine bag…” he began as she settled into the carriage.

  “I know where to find what I need, Father. Thank you.”

  He smiled and patted her hand. “Feel better, darling.”

  The carriage ride home seemed to take forever as she was left alone with her thoughts of John and Diana. Once she arrived, she checked in on Andrew and the already sleeping Nanny then tucked herself into her own bed.

  But it was no better. She tossed and turned, struggling to remain calm about what might be happening between John and Diana.

  Even after she heard her parents arrive, sleep escaped her. For their sakes, she pretended to be asleep when her father came to check on her. And she waited until she heard them retire to their room before she slipped from her bed.

  What could be the matter? Elizabeth had to admit that one thing disturbing her was what she felt for John. Had she been wrong this whole time? It took this whole thing with Diana for her to see that she cared for him. And not just as a friend, but far more deeply? She wanted to be the only one on his arm at a ball, or in his arms anywhere. Just the thought of his lips touching Diana's to kiss her goodnight drove Elizabeth to the edge to madness. This was unbearable!

  I must go to him…tonight. She had to make it right. At least she had to apologize for lying to him, for hurting him. But she also needed to tell him what she was feeling. Even if he had long ago moved beyond any deeper feelings for her, she had to try.

  Putting on one of her simpler dresses, she made her way down the stairs as she had so many times before, sneaking out to meet John, something they hadn't done in many years. She slipped out the door and couldn't help but run all the way to his house. Grabbing some sticks and pebbles, she started tossing them up against his window. Nothing. No light, no sign of life.

  Was he still out with Diana? Walking her home? Walking to the park with her? Kissing her? The knot tightened in Elizabeth's stomach. Or was he just so mad at her, he refused to speak to her? Either way, Elizabeth wrapped her shawl tighter around herself and headed home, dejected.

  As she rounded the last corner toward her home, she heard a ping-ping-ping. Her eyes moved toward the spot below her bedroom window.

  There he was.

  John stood at her window, throwing pebbles. She could scarcely believe it!

  He whirled around.

  “Elizabeth,” he rushed to her, putting his hands on her arms. “You can't be out wandering the streets this late at night by yourself.”

  “We did it all the time as kids,” she said defensively.

  “That's when we were young and didn't know better. It's not safe for you to be out like this. If anything happened to you, I don't know what I'd do.”

  There was silence between them for a few moments.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked as if he was the one being odd.

  “I came to see if you were all right.” His eyes were intense on hers; her knees became weak.

  “I am well,” she said, looking away. Why was she acting this way? Hadn't she just gone to find him to profess her feelings for him?

  “No, you're not. Don't shut me out, Elizabeth. Tell me what's wrong.”

  He rarely used her full name. How to begin? What to say? She didn't know. So instead, she blurted out, “Do you love her?”

  “Who?” His reply was short, sharp. As if he didn't know.

  “Diana.” Elizabeth almost couldn't get the word out, she was so charged with emotion.

  He studied her face for a moment before answering her. “No.”

  “Good.” She met his eyes then. And couldn't help the relief that washed over her.

  “Is that what has you so upset? Diana? It was just one ball.”

  Elizabeth turned her face away from him, embarrassed.

  “Besides,” he said, using his fingertips to turn her face toward him. “How can I be in love with anyone else? When I am completely, hopelessly in love with my best friend.”

  “Truly?” her voice laid bare the emotions swirling inside her.

  “Truly.” His gaze seemed to search into her soul. Then he leaned forward and captured her lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet at first, but soon he pressed deeper.

  When they broke apart, he leaned his forehead against hers.

  “I love you, too,” she said, breathless, as tears fell down her face.

  “Always and forever?” He smiled with a little laugh.

  “Always and forever.” She smiled back.

  Elizabeth bolted awake to find a concerned John by her bedside.

  “What are you…how did you…?” Her mind whirled, full of questions.

  “You've been calling for me for the last hour. No one could rouse you.” Leaning over her, he pushed her hair off her forehead. A layer of sweat covered her.

  Reaching for a cloth in the bowl of water near her bed, he began patting her face with it. This wasn't the task of a doctor, but of a nurse. He shouldn't be taking his time to see to her menial needs.

  “I was so worried about you, Lizzie,” he whispered, his eyes searching hers.

  “John,” she whispered back, “I remember. I remember everything.”

  He smiled down at her, and his eyes glistened with emotion.

  “What are we going to do?” she mouthed.

  “I don't know,” he whispered back. “All that matters, Lizzie, is that we're together.”

  And what did Elizabeth have to fear? These were her friends. Would they turn on her now that her memory was back a
nd she discovered she was from the other side of the war? She needed to realize this was a very real possibility.

  John continued to stroke her hair and gaze upon her.

  “I love you,” she mouthed to him.

  “Always and forever?” he whispered.

  She nodded. “Always and forever.”

  * * *

  Matthew had found himself in the hospital tent minutes before. Seeing Annabelle in distress, he knelt by her side.

  “Annabelle,” he laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. Should he attempt to wake her?

  She groaned and turned her head away from him, muttering something in her sleep. His Pa had always said never to wake his sister who was known to wander the house in all manner of states in the middle of the night. Perhaps it wasn’t wise to stir Annabelle now.

  Still, he leaned in closer, breathing her name, “Annabelle.”

  Continuing to move in sleep, her mumbles became more audible. He hated watching her in such fits. Should he fetch the doctor? If she would just turn toward him again, he might be able to discern what she said.

  In that moment, she blurted out a name. “John!”

  His heart froze and he jerked his hands away from her. Who was this man? What was he to her? Some ghost from her past?

  Determination filled him. He pressed his hand against her shoulder again, this time attempting to rouse her.

  “Annabelle.” If only she would give some indication that she heard him. That she knew he was there.

  “John,” she murmured in her fitful sleep. She cried out for this person.

  And Matthew’s heart ached.

  Then he became aware that they were not alone. Yes, they were in the hospital surrounded by caregivers and patients, but it was more than that. Someone watched them. He gazed across the space. Everyone seemed intent on his or her work. Then he knew. Jerking around, he saw the prisoner. The man looked on, but not at Matthew, at Annabelle.

  Matthew rose, placing himself between the prisoner and Annabelle.

  The man’s eyes drifted toward Matthew’s. There was sadness in them. Almost as if he knew Annabelle. She had been taking him dinner. Perhaps he felt sorry for her fitful state.

  Matthew cleared his throat. “You’re a doctor, right?”

  The prisoner nodded.

  “Can you help her?”

  As the man’s eyes fell back on Annabelle’s form, Matthew stepped out of the way. Should he be more cautious? Who was this man after all? Would he hurt Annabelle?

  “I can try,” was all the man said.

  “Please.” Matthew had to let him try. He allowed the Union soldier to pass by him and crouch by Annabelle’s bed. But he stayed nearby, only a few feet away, watching carefully as the man examined her.

  Suddenly she jerked awake. Matthew started to step forward, but stopped as the prisoner moved his hands over her hair in what could only be described as a caress. What was happening here?

  And so he watched much of the exchange between them. His heart sinking as Annabelle not only accepted his attentions, but also returned them. While he couldn’t hear what was said between them, he didn’t have to. Their interaction said enough. At last, he couldn’t watch any longer. He turned and left the hospital tent, crestfallen.

  * * *

  The time had come for her appointed visit with Jacob. Melanie had delayed for long enough and had run out of excuses. Rather, Daniel had stopped accepting them. They arranged to meet after lunch to walk to the hospital together. She had finished cleaning from the meal when she spotted Daniel approaching.

  “Are you ready?” His gaze was soft upon her.

  Still, Melanie's last interaction with Jacob flashed across her mind. “No.”

  It was an honest answer. She was fearful Jacob would take one look at her and order her to leave his presence again. No matter how much Daniel assured her that would not be the case.

  Daniel lowered the angle of his face. She knew how he felt about her trepidation toward this meeting. And how determined he was.

  “I can't shake this strange feeling,” she said, putting her hands on her stomach. “I just know he's still cross with me. That he still blames me.”

  “Then we'll have to help him see differently.” Daniel reached for her hand. “I'll be right there.”

  Sliding her hand into his, she allowed herself to sigh with the comfort, no matter how small, that brought her. Daniel was right. It was time. She had avoided Jacob for long enough and it wasn't fair to him. He truly did need his friends right now.

  Daniel tugged at her, encouraging her to come from behind the dish bin.

  She obeyed.

  Then she allowed him to lead her through the camp toward the hospital. Neither released the other's hand as they walked. Nor did they speak again until they approached the large tent.

  Daniel held up a hand for Melanie to go on in front of him.

  She gave him a long look, pleading with him to not make her do this.

  His eyes glistened. He was sympathetic, she knew, but his hand extending toward the interior of the tent told her that he was resolved.

  Melanie stepped into the hospital, Daniel close behind her, and moved in the direction of Jacob's bed.

  Jacob sat, eating his lunch. He looked toward her as she approached, setting his lunch to the side and shifting to sit a little straighter.

  Once she reached her usual spot by his bed, she looked back to see that Daniel was no longer with her. He had stopped a few feet short of the bed. Close enough to offer support, but far enough to give her space and privacy.

  Jacob swallowed hard. Was he trying to come up with the right words? Did he struggle the same as she?

  Melanie remained silent.

  “How've you been?” Jacob finally managed.

  “I've been well.” She didn't know what else to say.

  A silence fell between them again.

  “Melanie, I'm…so sorry…for the way I acted before. I was…I was a…”

  She shook her head. “You were dealing with a lot.”

  He nodded. “I didn't mean to blame you.” His voice was not much more than a whisper.

  “Thank you.” She took a seat next to his bed. “I was afraid you never wanted to see me again.”

  He lowered his head. “I know my words must have hurt you.”

  She nodded, a tear escaping. “I blamed myself. I wondered if only I could have done more, done better…”

  He reached out and put a hand on hers. “There's nothing you could have done. I'm at peace with that. I want you to be, too.”

  “Maybe someday I will be.”

  He released her hand. “I hope so.”

  * * *

  Elizabeth found Matthew by the stream. He sat on the hillside, plucking blades of grass, rubbing them between his fingers then discarding them. She watched him for a few moments. From all appearances, he was deep in thought. After some time, she decided to disturb his solitude and came closer, placing a hand on his shoulder.

  Jerking at her touch, he turned. Seeing Elizabeth, he gave her a half smile, but his eyes were sad.

  She sat beside him, shoulder to shoulder. He moved to scoot away. The movement was slight, but enough for her to notice.

  “What's the matter?” This conversation had plagued her enough without more trouble being heaped onto it.

  At first he didn't respond, looking away.

  She laid a hand on his arm. “Talk to me.”

  He did look at her then, his eyes hard as steel. “I saw you with him in the hospital.”

  “Oh,” she let her hand fall.

  His eyes fixed on the ground again and he dropped the grass he had in his hands.

  “I can explain.” How much she dreaded this talk they would have to have. But have it they must. “I want to explain.”

  He didn't respond, simply looked toward the stream. Did he even want to hear it?

  She moved her legs so that she sat cross-legged, her hands folded in her lap. How she had thoug
ht this would go, she wasn't sure, but jumping straight into it wasn't her plan. Perhaps it was for the best. “I have my memories back.”

  “And so what? Now it's just Union soldiers for you?” His jab was harsh and it hit its mark.

  “No.” She tried to keep her voice neutral. His comment stung. “It's just that Union soldier. He is my fiancé.”

  Matthew turned to look at her, eyes wide.

  She understood. The odds were astronomically against it. The captured doctor returned to their unit to assist them would be the fiancé of the woman they had captured by accident. Elizabeth allowed several moments for him to process this information.

  “It doesn't change what's happened between us,” she said, hoping he believed her. Because what she felt for him was real. And what had happened between them mattered to her.

  “Then why did I witness that reunion?” he challenged her.

  “Because it does change where we go from here,” she said sadly.

  “I don't accept that. If you love me and I love you, why can't we be together?” He shifted to face her, reaching for her hands.

  “It's not that simple, Matthew.” She pulled her hands away. “Don't you think I wish it was?”

  “I don't know what you wish.”

  She closed her eyes and fought tears at the harshness of his voice.

  “There's more going on here than just the two of us,” Elizabeth said, almost unable to force the words out. This was harder than she’d thought it would be.

  “Only because you choose to let it be complicated.”

  “No, Matthew, it is complicated. There are more people involved. What I have with John is deep. We have a long history together.”

  “So, it's all about how long you've known each other. I lose out because of time.”

  Why did he have to make this so much harder? She knew the answer to her own question. Because his heart was involved.

  “It's more than that. Love alone cannot survive when two people are standing on opposing principles. You and I don't see eye-to-eye on this war for one thing.”

  Matthew met her eyes then. “Be mindful, Elizabeth, what you say is treacherous. You have certain freedoms in a Confederate camp that perhaps you should no longer be afforded.”

  “Matthew, what are you saying?”

  He stood.