by Nick Hornby
She holds it out. MISS STUBBS doesn’t take it.
MISS STUBBS
That’s very kind of you, but I can’t accept it.
JENNY
Why not?
MISS STUBBS
(gently)
It’s because of people like you that I plough through illiterate essays by Sandra Lovell about her pony. But I know where this came from, and if I took it, I’d feel I would be betraying both of us.
JENNY puts the perfume back in her bag and starts to leave, but stops when MISS STUBBS speaks again.
You can do anything you want.You know that.You’re clever and you’re pretty . . . Is your boyfriend interested in clever Jenny?
JENNY
( frustrated )
I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to tell me.
MISS STUBBS
I’m telling you to go to Oxford. No matter what. Because if you don’t, you’ll break my heart.
JENNY looks at her.
JENNY
(quietly)
Where did you go?
MISS STUBBS
Cambridge.
JENNY
Well, you’re clever. And you’re pretty. So presumably, Clever Miss Stubbs won. And here you are with your pony essays. I don’t know. These last few months, I’ve eaten in wonderful restaurants and been to jazz clubs and watched wonderful films, heard beautiful music . . .
MISS STUBBS
Jenny, are you taking precautions?
JENNY stares at her angrily.
JENNY
It’s nothing to do with that.
MISS STUBBS
Isn’t it?
JENNY
Maybe all our lives are going to end up with pony essays. Or housework. And yes, maybe we will go to Oxford. But if we’re all going to die the moment we graduate, isn’t it what we do before that counts?
MISS STUBBS
I’m sorry you think I’m dead.
JENNY
I don’t think you’re dead, I just don’t . . .
MISS STUBBS
(coldly)
I think you’d better get to your next class.
JENNY walks out of the room angrily.
68 EXTERIOR: DOG TRACKS - NIGHT
A dog-race is coming to its conclusion. DANNY, HELEN, DAVID and JENNY are watching in the crowd - the girls jump up and down. JENNY’S dog has won.
HELEN
Well done, Jenny!
JENNY
(beaming)
I’ve never won anything before. Not even at the Women’s Institute raffle.
HELEN
I always bet on the sweetest-looking dog. And he always comes last.
JENNY
Can we do it again? I’m feeling lucky.
DANNY
Come on, let’s go, I don’t want to miss him. Pick up your ten bob on the way out.
JENNY
(thrilled)
I won ten shillings?
They start to walk through the crowd.
Who is this man, anyway?
DAVID
Peter Rachman?
DANNY
A complete bastard.
The men laugh.
JENNY
Why do we have to see him here?
DANNY
Because he’s not the sort of chap with an office.
69 INTERIOR: DOG-TRACK CLUB - NIGHT
They enter a crowded, smoky bar with a dance floor and a small jukebox.
The bar is full of sharply dressed and dubious-looking men, and young, glamorous, dubious-looking women.
JENNY and HELEN look out of place - HELEN too ethereal, JENNY too innocent.
They find a table looking over the race track. A waiter comes over to their table.
DANNY
A bottle of your finest champagne, please. (nodding to the bar) There he is.
We see a nasty-looking man in his late thirties/early forties. He is wearing a white sharkskin suit and smoking a big cigar. He’s talking to an even nastier-looking man in a dark suit.
DAVID
Come on, Jenny. Tell them your good news. Don’t be bashful.
HELEN
No. Be Sneezy.
Everyone ignores her.
DAVID
Jenny got two As and a Bin her mock A-levels.
DANNY
(mock dismissive)
Like everyone else in this sophisticated establishment.
Laughter.
Seriously, congratulations.
DAVID
The B was in Latin.
Rachman is now standing on his own. DANNY nudges DAVID, and they go over to talk to him just as the champagne arrives. The waiter pops the bottle of champagne and pours two glasses. The girls smile and clink glasses.
HELEN
Don’t worry too much.
JENNY
About what?
HELEN
Someone told me that in fifty years no one will speak Latin, probably. Not even Latin people. So you don’t worry about your B.
JENNY stares at her, trying to think of a response.
70 INTERIOR: CLUB - NIGHT
DANNY and DAVID are moving through the bar, having just finished talking to Rachman. DANNY puffs out his cheeks and shakes his head.
DAVID
He’s even more of a bastard than I thought.
DANNY
You wouldn’t want him to marry your sister. You wouldn’t want to talk to him in a club, come to that.
They both chuckle.There is a silence for a moment.
(gently)
You do know what you’re doing, old chap? With Jenny?
DAVID
This is the one, Danny.
They look over at JENNY and HELEN laughing.
You can see she’s different.
DANNY
I just don’t want to see her hurt.
They make their way back to their table.
71 INTERIOR: CLUB - NIGHT
While DAVID and HELEN watch, DANNY and JENNY dance. DANNY’S a good dancer; JENNY is nervous at first, but becomes more comfortable and more expressive, with DANNY’S help.
JENNY
(knowing that she should make conversation, as all the couples around her are doing)
Have you . . . Have you bought any more paintings recently?
DANNY
Have I? Oh yes, I picked up a little Piper. A good ’un, I think.
JENNY
I’m still trying to work out what makes good things good. It’s hard, isn’t it?
DANNY
The thing is, Jenny, you know, without necessarily being able to explain why.You’ve got taste. That’s not even half the battle. That’s the whole war.
JENNY smiles at him with gratitude.There is a sudden closeness between them. DAVID is watching them carefully. They return to their table.
DAVID
Jenny, we should go. It’s late.
JENNY
(disappointed)
Really?
DANNY
Alas. One day, school will be over forever, and we can talk about art all night.
DAVID
(to Danny)
You’re all right in a taxi, aren’t you?
He guides JENNY firmly out of the club.
72 EXTERIOR: CLUB - NIGHT
JENNY is about to to open the passenger door of the Bristol, but DAVID stops her.
DAVID
Wait here.
He runs to the back of the car, opens the boot and starts rummaging through it. It seems to be full of everything but the thing he’s looking for.
JENNY
What are you looking for? . . . What are you doing?
He comes back empty-handed.
DAVID
Will you marry me?
JENNY stares at him for a moment, then laughs.
JENNY
What were you looking for?
DAVID
I thought I had a ring. It wouldn’t have been the right one. But it would have done for tonight.
&nb
sp; JENNY
(eyes twinkling with amusement)
Oh, David.
DAVID
I’m serious.
JENNY
You’re very sweet.
DAVID
What do you think?
JENNY
(helplessly)
Take me home.
She gets into the car.We see the desperation in DAVID’S face, lit by the headlights of a passing taxi, as he slams the door on JENNY after she’s got in.
73 INTERIOR: JENNY’S BEDROOM
JENNY is at her desk in her bedroom, trying to work, but she can’t concentrate. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail. She gets up, pulls back the curtains, looks out of the window, smoking. We see what she sees: a sleepy suburban street at night; a couple walking away in the distance. She looks back at her desk. It looks even more boring than the street.
74 INTERIOR: JENNY’S KITCHEN - EVENING
JENNY’S mother and father are doing the washing-up and listening to the radio.They have their backs to the door. JENNY enters the room quietly and watches them for a moment.
MAN ON THE RADIO
They do need some looking after, but nothing that will require too much work. Just leave them in your potting shed for a couple of weeks, and they’ll look after themselves.
JACK
Fine, the potting shed. Who does he think I am? Prince Rainier of Monaco?
JENNY
What if I got married instead of going to college?
JACK and MARJORIE turn around.
JACK
Married?
JENNY
Married.
JACK
It would depend who it was, surely?
JENNY
Would it? That’s interesting.
JACK
Well, of course it would. I wouldn’t want you married off just for the sake of it.
JENNY
Thanks.
MARJORIE
Has somebody asked you?
JENNY
Yes.
JACK
Who?
MARJORIE rolls her eyes.
David?
JENNY
No. A man I just met walking his dog.
MARJORIE
What did you tell him?
JENNY
Nothing yet.
MARJORIE
Do you have a choice? Or is it too late?
She looks at her daughter knowingly. JACK merely looks confused.
JACK
Of course she’s got a choice! An interesting one, too, eh?
JENNY
This is where you’re supposed to say, ‘But what about Oxford?’
JACK
Look at it another way, you wouldn’t really need to go now, would you?
JENNY
(quietly, turning the words over in her mouth)
I wouldn’t need to go. Would you like to expand on that?
JACK
You’d be looked after.
JENNY laughs bitterly. She can’t believe it.
JENNY
All that Latin! All those essays! What was the point? Why didn’t you just send me out prowling round nightclubs? It would have been less trouble. And I might have had more fun.
JACK
I don’t know about nightclubs. I know about education. Anyway, looks like it might have all turned out for the best.
JENNY
How?
JACK
He wouldn’t want you if you were thick, now would he?
JENNY stares at them.
75 INTERIOR: CLASSROOM - DAY
English. MISS STUBBS is standing at the front of the class, holding a copy of King Lear, and listening as various members of the class massacre the text. Some are messing about by overacting; others read to the best of their ability, tonelessly and with no understanding of the words.
Lear himself is being read by ANN, the bespectacled girl from the first scene. She’s no King Lear, and she’s one of the bad readers.
GIRL
May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse? Sings whoop jug I love thee.
MISS STUBBS
When it says ‘sings’, it means you should sing the line.
GIRL looks at her blankly.
Never mind. Right. (gesturing to ANN) Lear . . .
ANN
Does any here know me. This is not Lear. Does Lear walk thus?
TINA
(sotto voce, to JENNY, in the seat next to her)
No.
JENNY starts to giggle.
ANN
Speak thus?
TINA shakes her head.
Where are his eyes?
TINA doesn’t need to say anything - she just looks at JENNY, makes a pair of spectacles with her fingers and squints.
JENNY’S giggling fit increases in intensity.
Ha! Waking? Who is it that can tell me who I am?
JENNY’S arm shoots up, as if to answer the question.
JENNY
Ooh. Miss. Me. I can.
MISS STUBBS looks at JENNY more in sorrow than in anger - JENNY’S behaviour now is something new in their relationship. JENNY stares back at her defiantly. Suddenly MISS STUBBS notices something glinting on her hand: an engagement ring.
MISS STUBBS
Oh, Jenny.
She is, as she promised she would be, heartbroken.
JENNY
What?
MISS STUBBS
Take it off.
HATTIE, who is sitting behind JENNY, notices the ring, too, for the first time.
HAT TIE
Oh my God. Is that what I think it is? I’M GOING TO BE A BRIDESMAID!
There is an excited susurration in the classroom.
MISS STUBBS
You know the school rule on jewellery.
JENNY
Half the girls in this room are wearing jewellery.
MISS STUBBS
Yes. But none of it is going to ruin their lives.
JENNY
(coolly)
We have a difference of opinion about that.
MISS STUBBS stares at her. JENNY can only just steel herself to stare back.
76 INTERIOR: HEADMISTRESS’S OFFICE - DAY
HEADMISTRESS
How far advanced are these ridiculous plans?
Have you set a date? Have you decided on a church?
JENNY
We won’t be getting married in a church. David’s Jewish.
The HEADMISTRESS stares at her, dumbfounded.
HEADMISTRESS
Jewish? He’s a Jew? You’re aware, I take it, that the Jews killed our Lord?
JENNY
(beginning to feel less intimidated by her surroundings )
And you’re aware, I suppose, that our Lord was Jewish?
The HEADMISTRESS snorts scornfully.
HEADMISTRESS
I suppose he told you that. We’re all very sorry about what happened during the war. But that’s absolutely no excuse for that sort of malicious and untruthful propaganda.
JENNY smiles to herself.
Anyway, I can see you’re far more in need of responsible advice than I realised.
The HEADMISTRESS moves closer.
Nobody does anything worth doing without a degree.
JENNY
Nobody does anything worth doing with a degree. No woman, anyway.
HEADMISTRESS
So what I do isn’t worth doing? Or what Miss Stubbs does, or Mrs Wilson, or any of us here?
JENNY doesn’t say anything.The headmistress takes her silence as an admission of defeat.
Because none of us would be here without our degrees, you realise that, don’t you? And yes, of course studying is hard, and boring, and . . .
JENNY can’t contain herself any longer.
JENNY
Boring!
HEADMISTRESS
I’m sorry?
JENNY
