Laundry Love

by Patric Richardson

  Or let’s say you wear foundation makeup—the color in foundation makes it inorganic. But the pricier it is, the more likely it includes oil, and that makes it an oily inorganic product that can create an oily inorganic stain.

  For these more complex stains, I offer other solutions, often two or even three steps, which first get rid of the oil and then remove the color (whether organic or inorganic).

  But regardless of the type of stain, the most important thing is that you’re going to conduct this stain removal not right when the stain happens, but immediately before washing the garment. As a rule, I don’t pretreat stains. I treat stains right before I throw the items into the wash—when the vinegar-water mixture, the soap, the bleach alternative, etc., are busy at work.

  Before I share the stain-removal how-tos, let’s get some common questions out of the way.

  What if you don’t know what caused the stain? Understanding the origin of a stain means you’ll know exactly how to remove it. But what if you have no idea? What if you’re doing your family’s laundry and you find a stain of questionable origin? Is it grass or is it crayon? No worries—just start with the most basic of stain-removal steps, using rubbing alcohol, and then add on other elimination methods if the first one doesn’t work.

  Does the type of fabric affect the stain-removal solution? In other words, does it matter if the red wine stained a silk blouse or jeans? How about lobster butter sauce on linen napkins or your nicest T-shirt? Nope, it doesn’t matter at all. Whatever the fabric, you’ll remove the stains in the same way and then wash as normal.

  What if a stain remains after treating and washing? Before throwing a previously stained item into the dryer, make sure that the stain is completely gone. If it’s not, just treat and wash again. (Pro tip: This is yet another reason to line-dry—drying on a clothes rack won’t set the stain like a dryer does.)

  What if you’re headed out the door when the stain occurs and you need to remove the stain fast? If there’s no time to treat the stain and then wash and dry the garment, you’ve still got a trick up your sleeve. Add rubbing alcohol to a cotton makeup pad and then, pressing and lifting, use the pad on the stain. Repeat as necessary with a new pad. Using rubbing alcohol won’t leave a ring on your garment and it removes the stain about 80 percent of the time.

  Stain-Removal Supplies and How-Tos

  Let’s get started with a reminder of the supplies needed for stain removal, as detailed at the start of the book:

    A bottle of bleach alternative (100 percent sodium percarbonate); use one tablespoon sodium percarbonate to one quart of water (this solution lasts roughly an hour—then it off-gasses the extra oxygen molecule and the H2O2 becomes H2O, or plain water)

    A small laundry brush (my favorite features horsehair)

    A laundry soap bar (used with the laundry brush for spot-cleaning and found at most grocery stores), such as Fels-Naptha

    A spray bottle that you’ve filled with 50 percent white vinegar and 50 percent water

    A store-bought bottle of 70 percent rubbing alcohol (isopropyl alcohol)

    A bottle of an oil-based stain solution, such as The Laundress Stain Solution

    A small bottle of Amodex—magical, nontoxic stuff recommended even by permanent-ink manufacturers

    A small spray bottle of cheap vodka (it’s for your laundry, I promise)

    Inexpensive, white terry washcloths (I buy stacks of them)

    Cotton makeup pads

  Following are the four most popular stains (as suggested by my thousands of Laundry Campers), my step-by-step instructions for their removal, and a few stories along the way.

  Lipstick: From baby pink to fuchsia, rose to ruby, cocoa to bronze, and lavender to plum, lipstick is one of the toughest stains to remove. Granny Dude was famous for her incredibly bright red lipstick. She began wearing it when she first started putting on makeup and never stopped. It was her signature color.

  Today, lipstick has become even harder to eliminate due to smudge-proof formulations, which feature more pigment and oil. Unfortunately, the more staying power a lipstick has on your lips, the more it has on your clothes, too.

  To remove this oily inorganic substance, place a white washcloth underneath the stain and then generously spray the stained area with a mixture of vinegar and water. Now blot with a cotton makeup pad to remove the excess oil. Next, gently scrub the stained area with your laundry brush, which you’ve wetted with water and then dragged over the bar of laundry soap. Repeat the whole process a couple of times as needed, flipping over your white washcloth as you go to use a clean area to soak up the stain, and then throw the garment into the wash.

  Red wine: People panic about spilling red wine—even if it hasn’t landed on white cashmere or white carpet. At my house, if you spill a glass of pinot, the only thing I’m going to do is pour you another glass. (Remember: For those of us in our forties or older, drinking red wine is like a visit to the cardiologist. You’re welcome.)

  After the party, the next morning, or maybe even a couple of days later, I’ll get around to removing the stain. Despite its reputation, a red wine stain is easy to get rid of.

  To eliminate this organic stain from a garment, mix a tablespoon of sodium percarbonate in a bowl of very hot water. Now dip the stained portion of the item into the bowl, give it a swish (the stain should change color), and throw it into the wash. That’s it. (To clean carpet stains—red wine and otherwise—see page 103.)

  Barbecue sauce: When it comes to my mom’s barbecue ribs (recipe, page 169), they’re well worth any stain. She cooks her country-style ribs in the oven, and then—when they’re nearly done—she brushes them with barbecue sauce and finishes them on the grill to caramelize. They’re so good they’re obscene. Once, I made fifteen pounds of them for a Nine to Five–themed dinner party for ten guests. There were no leftovers. (Remember how much Violet, Judy, and Doralee loved barbecue?)

  That said, barbecue sauce is among the toughest stains to remove and likely requires three steps. To eliminate this oily organic stain, you first need to get through the bubble of oil to reach the color—remember oil and water don’t mix. Generously spray the stained area with a mixture of vinegar and water. Next, scrub the area with your laundry brush and laundry soap. By now, most of the stain should be gone. Finally, to remove any remaining color from the stain, you may need to dip and swish the stained area in a bowl of bleach alternative and hot water. Then throw the garment in the washing machine and wash as normal.

  Perspiration: This is my number-one most-requested stain how-to. And no wonder—yellowed underarm stains are a nearly universal annoyance. I’ll not only tell you how to remove them but how to ensure you’ll never have to deal with them again.

  For these oily organic stains—human sweat glands in the armpits secrete an oily, smelly compound—you need to use an oil-based stain solution. Place a few drops directly onto each underarm stain. Then sprinkle the tiniest bit (maybe ten grains) of sodium percarbonate onto each dollop of solution and rub in with your finger. Let this mixture set for thirty minutes. Go for a walk, write a note to your congressperson, or Hula-Hoop. When the time is up, pour (carefully so you don’t burn yourself—I use a tea kettle) nearly boiling water right through the stain. Then throw the shirt into the wash. (This trick also works for ring-around-the-collar and stained cuffs, whose perspiration stains, similar to underarm stains, include myriad minerals, lactic acid, urea, and dead skin. The oil-based stain solution lifts the oil, and then the sodium percarbonate works on the minerals and dead skin.

  Now for the really amazing trick: After removing the perspiration stains from this shirt, every time you wash it in the future—immediately before you wash it—spray it generously with a mixture of vinegar and water to neutralize the pH of the stain. And there you have it—you’ll never have underarm stains again! You can use the same process with a brand-new shirt: The first time you wash it, spray the underarms with a mixtu
re of vinegar and water right before you wash. Doing so will prevent underarm stains in the first place; then repeat this every time you wash.

  Removing Phantom Stains

  Have you ever put an item into the dryer and then discovered a light brown stain after drying? These phantom stains occur when a bit of sugar—from fruit juice or ketchup, for example—remains on the garment after washing. The sugar caramelizes in the dryer and, unfortunately, shows up as a stain.

  To remove a phantom stain, I suggest using the same process recommended for removing perspiration. Place a few drops of an oil-based stain solution directly onto the stain. Then sprinkle a bit of sodium percarbonate onto the solution, rub in with your finger, and let this mixture set for a half hour. Finally, pour nearly boiling water (ever so carefully) right through the stain. After washing once more, the stain should be gone.

  Now that we’ve got the four most-requested stain how-tos out of the way, read on for specific stain-removal methods for nearly seventy foods, household items, and more. Using these tips, you can eliminate practically every stain—lengthening the life of your garments and freeing you up to buy the clothing you love without worry.

  Before getting started, keep these tips in mind:

  If you’re running out the door or you’re at work and you spill something on your shirt or pants, your first go-to is rubbing alcohol. (After all, you likely don’t have time to run a wash.) Simply hold a towel on the inside of the garment while spraying or applying rubbing alcohol on the stain. This will work roughly 80 percent of the time, and the rubbing alcohol will not leave a ring on your garment. (I’d suggest keeping a small bottle of rubbing alcohol handy at work, just for this purpose.)

  If the rubbing alcohol approach doesn’t work on your particular stain, use whatever method I suggest below and then launder. When you use rubbing alcohol, you’re just trying to quickly remove the stain and avoid washing the garment. Why don’t I recommend using rubbing alcohol to remove every stain? Because it doesn’t always work and it can be more expensive than the methods detailed below.

  When you use a method listed below, do so immediately before laundering. You want these cleaners—vinegar, sodium percarbonate, etc.—to be working as your laundry starts the wash cycle. Pretreating (even an hour before washing) doesn’t work.

  Most of the stain-removal processes below can be used on carpet. The difference is that you don’t have the luxury of pouring water through the stain when needed, and you can’t throw the carpet into the wash. Instead, once you’ve treated the stain, I recommend using a carpet cleaner/extractor if you have one. If not, soak a clean towel in warm water and press down on the stain; then fold and flip the towel as it soaks up the stain, always using a clean section of the towel to absorb more. Finally, if needed, re-treat the stained area and blot again with a freshly soaked towel. Once the stain is gone, blot the area with a dry towel.

  And now, in alphabetical order, here’s a list of stains you may someday face and wish to remove. As always, if directions include washing, place in the correct load—whites, darks, cool colors, warm colors, or activewear:

  Avocado: If you have an avocado toast or avocado smoothie incident, no worries. Just scrape off any residue with a butter knife, and then scrub the stain with your laundry brush, which you’ve wetted with water and then dragged over the bar of laundry soap. If there’s any color left, dip the stain in a bucket or sink filled with a solution of bleach alternative and water, and then launder.

  Baby formula: Plenty of parents, grandparents, and babysitters are walking around with this stain, but they don’t need to be. This organic stain generally comes right out with laundry soap and a brush. If it doesn’t, dip the stain in a bucket or sink filled with a solution of bleach alternative and water, and then launder.

  Baked beans: Everyone has his or her own recipe for baked beans. I make my mom’s beans, which are brown-sugary. Regardless of your favorite recipe, when you get a baked beans stain, you’ll first need to cut the oil of this oily organic stain by spraying with your bottle of vinegar and water. Then scrub with laundry soap and a brush. If any color remains, just repeat the steps, and launder.

  Barbecue sauce: See info on page 100.

  Berries: Blackberries grow wild in Eastern Kentucky, where I grew up. We’d eat them as we picked them, but Granny Martha would freeze pints and pints of them. She was an amazing country cook, and my cousin Loretta and I would beg her to make her blackberry dumplings. However you like your berries, you can eliminate this organic stain by dipping the affected area in a solution of bleach alternative and water. Give it a swish and throw it in the wash.

  Blood: Not that long ago, people used 11 percent hydrogen peroxide to eliminate lots of stains, including blood. Now, before washing, I recommend dipping the stained area (even a stain of menstrual blood) in a solution of bleach alternative and water. That’s because you can no longer easily find 11 percent hydrogen peroxide. Instead, you’ll likely only find 3 percent hydrogen peroxide, and that’s generally not strong enough to remove most stains.

  Body oil: I’m not talking lotion here, but actual body oil, produced by the human body—in other words, sweat and body grease. Dip the stain into a solution of bleach alternative and the hottest possible water. Then launder.

  Butter: Corn on the cob, caramel rolls, and popcorn are just three items that are vastly improved by this delectable stuff. Thankfully, this oily organic stain is easy to get rid of. Just spray with your bottle of vinegar and water, and wash as normal.

  Candle wax: Every month I get one or two requests about how to care for liturgical linens, often handmade and stained by wine, grape juice, and candle wax. See the other entries for the juice and wine. For candle wax, place the item between two layers of craft paper (a grocery bag will work just fine) and then press with a warm iron. The wax will lift right out of the fabric and be soaked up by the craft paper.

  Caramel: Caramel rolls can’t be beat when it comes to a special breakfast. Cancel this oily organic stain by scrubbing with laundry soap and a brush, and then launder.

  Cheese sauce: Likely to happen in the stands of a stadium or in front of a TV, this oily organic stain can be scraped away with a butter knife. Then saturate the area with vinegar and water, and throw in the wash.

  Chili: Thanks to the tomato in chili, this is one tough stain to remove. Spray the stained area with vinegar and water. Then scrub with laundry soap and a brush. Once the stain is mostly out, spray it again with vinegar and water to ensure there’s no oil left, and wash as normal.

  Chocolate: This is one of my favorite stains, because it means I got to eat chocolate—especially the killer German chocolate cake that Nancy, my wonderful stepmom, makes. While she worked as a banker, she was also a magnificent homemaker—her home is always neat, her food is always amazing, and she loves to make everyone around her happy, starting with my dad. For this oily organic stain, spray with vinegar and water, then scrub with laundry soap and a brush, and launder.

  Coffee: Like seemingly all Scandinavian Americans, Marion, Ross’s mom, loved coffee. She used coffee in everything—a tablespoon of coffee in gravy, a bit of coffee in her chocolate cookies to bring out the flavor, and a coffee wash brushed atop her delicious cardamom bread that she taught me to make.

  No matter how you like your coffee, remove this inorganic stain (the combo of water and coffee beans makes this an inorganic dye) with laundry soap and a brush. If that isn’t strong enough to eliminate the blotch, stretch the stained portion of the garment over a bowl and pour the hottest possible water through it. Pouring the water from a bit of a height—be careful, though—provides a greater force and more stain-removing power. To make that step extra easy, I just use my teakettle. After washing, make sure the stain is gone before throwing it into the dryer. If it goes through the dryer with any sugar left on it, the sugar will caramelize and a phantom stain will occur. (See “Removing Phantom Stains,” page 101.)

  Cranberry sauce: At Thanksgiving we always
had two cranberry dishes—the cranberry sauce that comes in a can and my mom’s cranberry relish. Our house was always a thousand degrees from all the cooking, so that relish, icy cold and tart, was the perfect thing to enjoy in contrast to all the heat.

  Whichever cranberry dish you love, you can remove its corresponding stains by dipping the affected area in a solution of bleach alternative and hot water. Then wash.

  Crayon: Just like removing candle wax, place the stained garment between two layers of craft paper (a paper grocery bag will work just fine) and then press with a warm iron. The crayon will lift right out of the fabric and be soaked up by the craft paper.

  Dairy: Pretty much any dairy stain can be removed with a little sweat equity—simply scrub this organic stain with laundry soap and a brush. Then launder as usual.

  Deodorant/antiperspirant: The plague of many mornings, this inorganic stain can be removed with laundry soap and a brush. Then launder as usual.

  Egg: Whether sunny-side up or down, scrambled, fried, or poached, an eggy stain can be removed by scrubbing with laundry soap and a brush. Then launder as usual.

  Fabric softener: If you’re asking me this after reading this book, no doubt you were just using up the last quarter cup of the last bottle you’ll ever own when this spill occurred. To remove this inorganic stain, throw the item into your washing machine along with vinegar, not detergent or soap, plus some washing soda (100 percent sodium carbonate).

  Feces: It happens. Whether the evidence is on a diaper or a carpet, remove as much as possible and then spray the area with vinegar and water. Next, scrub with laundry soap and a brush. To sterilize, soak the item in a solution of bleach alternative and water. Finally, if the item is a textile, launder as usual.

  Frosting: If your frosting has been tinted with food coloring, spray this oily inorganic stain with your bottle of vinegar and water, and then scrub with laundry soap and a brush. If it hasn’t been tinted, the vinegar and water may take care of this stain on their own. Then launder.