by Tanya Bird
‘You know I cannot go with you. It was a risk coming here at all, but I needed to see you board that ship with my own eyes.’ He looked her over for a moment. ‘Are you all right? Did they hurt you?’
His questions went unanswered. ‘You’re really not coming?’ She wished she could speak without choking on the words.
‘No, Brei. I am not coming with you.’
She shook her head, rejecting his reply while gripping his face harder. ‘You don’t understand. I can’t go without you.’
‘Of course you can.’
‘I love you.’ It was strange how easily those words slipped from her.
His grip on her tightened to the point of pain. ‘Stop.’
She let go of him suddenly, as if his skin had burned her. He wore a tortured expression, the same one she had seen on his face the day he had invaded her village and walked past the dead children to mount his horse. ‘Stop?’
Not ‘I love you too’, but ‘stop’. The pressure on her arms eased as he got control of himself.
‘I came to make sure you are all right, to make sure you boarded. I have been going out of my mind—’
‘I’m fine.’ Her lips felt numb.
He searched her eyes for a moment. ‘Marcus will see you all the way to the wall. You can trust him as you do me.’
She stepped out of his grip, feeling confused, hurt. His hands remained in the air, holding nothing. ‘I’ll decide who I trust.’ Her words were as cold as the northerly wind coming off the water.
Marcus and Keelia had caught up, but they froze a few feet away, likely repelled by the tension. Marcus cleared his throat. ‘It’s time to board.’
Another pain in her chest. Her eyes never left Nerva. ‘Why did you come?’
He glanced at the ship, his hands going to rest on his hips. ‘I told you. I needed to make sure you were all right.’
She hugged herself. It was so cold suddenly. ‘Well, now you know.’
His hands went into his hair. ‘This is hard for me too.’
She knew that. It was there in his voice, his body language, the grief coming off him in waves. ‘Then come with us!’ Her voice was raised that time, surprising even her. Marcus and Keelia looked around to see if anyone else had heard the outburst. She was holding them up, jeopardising everything.
‘You know I cannot.’
‘Then I’ll stay.’ The declaration spilled out of her, making her mother flinch. ‘If you won’t come, then I’ll stay here with you.’
‘You cannot stay. It is not safe.’ Nerva’s voice was low but firm. ‘It is time for you to board.’
Her hands went over her face as she tried to rein in everything she was feeling. ‘I can’t.’
He took hold of her arms again, holding her up as her knees shook. ‘You can. You are the strongest woman I know.’ He brought his lips to her ear. ‘Your mother is counting on you. Your family is waiting for you.’ He kissed her hair, his breaths uneven. ‘I need to stay here in order to protect you. Now do this one last thing for me. Get on that ship, and go home.’
Brei’s hands fell away from her face, and she stared into his grey eyes, where her own misery was reflected back at her.
Keelia stepped forwards and took her hand, pulling gently.
‘Get them aboard,’ Nerva said to Marcus. When he let go of Brei, his fingers were like rigid claws as they returned to his sides.
‘I don’t need a bodyguard.’ The words came out of her harsher than she intended, but it was better to be angry than hopeless.
‘You will need one all the way to the wall,’ Nerva replied. He looked away, then back at her. ‘Brei, I—’
‘It’s all right.’ She shook her head and began backing away. ‘Don’t say anything else.’ She could not take any more. A tear betrayed her, and she turned quickly before he saw it.
Her mother kept a firm hold of her shaking hand. Brei could feel Nerva’s eyes burning holes in the back of her head as she stepped onto the gangplank. One trembling foot in front of the other.
‘Brei,’ Nerva called.
If she stood any chance of boarding the ship, she had to keep walking.
‘Everything I have done since the day we met has been for you—especially this.’
The pain in her chest was already so immense that she barely noticed it growing. She just hoped her knees held until she reached the ship.
‘It will be all right,’ her mother whispered behind her. ‘Just keep walking.’
Nerva was done talking, and she did not dare look back to see if he was still standing there. Finally, her feet landed on the deck, and she waited while someone gave Marcus instructions she could not follow. Next thing she knew, they were descending a ladder into a private cabin with plenty of light.
Nerva had done that also.
Marcus said something she did not hear. Keelia replied on her behalf.
Brei stumbled forwards, almost tripping on the door of the cabin as she headed for the safety of bed. She closed her eyes against her mother’s voice as she lay down. The door creaked shut, and a hand rested on her back, rubbing circles.
‘I just need to sleep. Leave me.’
Her mother did not retract the hand.
‘Did you hear what I said?’ Her voice broke that time.
‘I heard.’ The soothing circles continued.
Brei covered her face as a sob tore through her.
Chapter 37
The weeks onboard passed painfully slow. Despite the calm waters of the Atlantic Ocean, Brei was constantly sick. She only left her bed when her mother forced her to take air on deck; otherwise, she tried to pass the time by sleeping.
When they anchored in Spain for supplies, Marcus encouraged her to spend some time on land to see if her condition improved. It did not. She could hardly blame her body for giving up. She had been fighting for such a long time, imprisoned, starved, and then had left her beating heart at Nerva’s feet for the birds to pick apart.
‘I’ll be fine,’ she assured her mother when they boarded again. ‘It’ll pass.’
Keelia said nothing but continued to watch her with a newfound intensity.
A strong westerly wind fought the ship across the North Sea, making the final part of their journey the roughest to date. Brei’s nausea was no worse for it. It did not change with the weather but with the time of day. She began to notice a pattern, and then a cold realisation hit her.
On the day they were due to arrive in Arbeia, Brei and Keelia sat on upturned crates on deck, watching the horizon. Brei was thinking about how it would feel to set foot on her homeland after all that time away. She dragged a clammy hand down her face. The fresh sea air was not enough to cool her body, which seemed to be operating at twice the temperature of late.
‘Are you all right?’ her mother asked.
Brei glanced across at her. ‘Yes. Fine.’
Keelia nodded and looked at the horizon again. ‘Best not to say anything to your father just yet.’
‘About what?’
Keelia was quiet a moment. ‘About the pregnancy.’
Brei gripped the edge of the crate she sat on little tighter. ‘How long have you known?’
Her mother smiled and shook her head. ‘The real question is how long have you known?’
Brei drew a breath. ‘Just a few days.’ She hesitated. ‘What will happen to the baby?’
Keelia reached out and took her hand. ‘I won’t let anything happen to it.’
The faint silhouette of land appeared on the horizon at that moment. Home.
‘Nerva will never know,’ Brei whispered.
Her mother squeezed her hand. ‘And that’s for the best. What’s an honourable man to do with that information?’
Brei blinked, that heavy feeling closing around her heart once more. Before she could reply, Marcus walked up to them, pointing to the horizon.
‘Not too much longer now. How’s the sickness?’
She attempted a smile. ‘I’ll be fine once I’m on la
nd.’
‘I’ve no doubt.’
The three of them disembarked at the mouth of the River Tyne just as the sun was setting. Brei walked up the grassy slope, staring up at the fort that dominated the landscape. The port was so busy that no one seemed to take much notice of them. Marcus found a woman selling horses and negotiated the sale with surprising ease. His charming persona made it hard for women to say no to him. Nerva had been the same way.
‘Are you sure you want to come the rest of the way with us?’ Brei asked as she mounted the chestnut filly.
Marcus kicked his horse into a trot. ‘I’ll see you through Hadrian’s Wall. After that, I’m afraid you’re on your own.’
Brei caught up to him. ‘There’re really no troops north of there?’
He shook his head.
‘How far to Portage?’ Keelia asked, catching up to them.
‘Around thirty miles.’
The three of them rode north until they could no longer see the horse in front of them, then moved off the main road and set up camp, skipping the campfire so as to not attract attention. The war might have been over, but that did not mean there was no danger.
They huddled beneath wool blankets, and Brei could not stop her mind from wandering to Nerva. Whenever he had slept in her bed, she had woken in the middle of the night and kicked off the linens. The warmth of his body made her overheat. He held her tightly, as though she might disappear while he slept. She had felt invincible in those moments, could almost forget how dangerous the world was outside of his arms.
The moment the sun kissed the hills in the east, they packed up their few belongings, saddled the horses, and continued north. They rode all day without stopping, reaching Hadrian’s Wall a few hours before sunset. Soldiers moved in all directions like disturbed ants.
‘What exactly is your plan?’ she asked Marcus, keeping her voice low. She was suddenly aware of her change in heart rate. They were significantly outnumbered.
‘Let me do the talking,’ Marcus said. He retrieved a rolled piece of parchment from his bag and held on to it as they approached the tall, heavy gate. Two guards assessed the women before turning their attention to Marcus.
‘What is your business here?’ asked one.
Marcus held up the piece of parchment. ‘I have a letter for your commander.’
Brei and Keelia looked at one another as it was handed down to the guard. The man studied the seal, then nodded to the other guard, who marched off to fetch his superior.
They all waited in silence, with the guard watching the women. Brei tallied his weapons and studied the gate, trying to judge how long it would take her to open it and bolt through it if the need arose. She could feel the draw of home now.
The guard returned a few minutes later with his commander, who held the open letter in his hand. The commander looked the women up and down before turning to Marcus.
Marcus saluted him. ‘I am Marcus Furnia, sir, previously of the third Britannia legion.’
‘At ease,’ the commander said. ‘I gather from the emperor’s letter that this is a personal favour and not an army matter.’
Brei tried not to let her surprise show on her face. The emperor? Nerva had gone to Geta on her behalf. It was no wonder he could not leave. If he was not indebted to the man before, he certainly was now.
Marcus nodded. ‘That’s correct, sir.’
The commander’s gaze returned to the parchment in his hand, then to Brei. ‘The people on the other side of that wall do not take kindly to trespassers. I cannot guarantee your safety if you go through.’
‘We can take care of ourselves, Commander,’ Brei said. ‘All we need is the gate opened.’
The commander glanced at Marcus a final time before turning back to the guards. ‘Let them through.’
Brei heard the air leave her mother’s lungs. They were really going home. She turned to Marcus. ‘How am I supposed to adequately thank you for everything you’ve done?’
‘Just make it home safe.’
She nodded. ‘We will be absolutely fine.’ She said that for Nerva’s sake, wanted those to be the last words reported back to him. The man deserved to sleep knowing he did not send her to her death.
Marcus gestured to the bag hanging from her saddle. ‘I put some extra supplies in there. Make sure you have a look once you’re on your way.’
She nodded.
‘And try to keep moving as much as you can,’ he finished.
The gates sat ajar, just enough so the horses could pass through in single file. Brei looked at Marcus one more time. ‘Thank you, Tribune.’ She pushed her horse into a walk, listening as her mother said goodbye behind her.
The women nodded at the wary guards as they passed them. Brei looked over her shoulder as the gates closed behind them. ‘Take care of him,’ she called, unable to say his name aloud. She saw Marcus nod as the crack narrowed.
When the gate was secured from the other side, she looked across at her mother. ‘Ready to go home?’
There was light in Keelia’s eyes. ‘Ready.’
Chapter 38
‘I hate leaving you like this. It feels a lot like abandonment,’ Mila said, watching Nerva with an expression that bordered on pity.
They were standing across the street from the Papias house. My house. He was still adjusting to his inheritance.
‘It is not abandonment. You are being practical, and remaining here is not practical—or safe, for that matter.’ He looked over at the two guards waiting by the bottom step. That was his life now; men followed him about, ensuring no one stabbed him in the back.
Mila sighed. ‘You have taken care of Dulcia and me our entire lives.’
He rubbed his forehead. ‘Dulcia needs her sister, and I need you safe. Everyone wins with you gone.’ Nerva’s head pulsed with the same headache he had carried for weeks, ever since he had watched Brei board that ship without so much as a glance back at him. Of course, he did not blame her. She was not one to speak her feelings, and the day she had, he had told her to stop.
‘I love you,’ she had said.
Her words had almost knocked him over. Not because he was unaware of her feelings, but because there was an unspoken agreement between them that they would never say them aloud. For a split second, he had considered going with her. The word ‘stop’ had been aimed at himself. Without it he might have said things he could not take back. I love you. I need you. I am coming with you. They were the kind of phrases that sat on the edge of his tongue. And gods, did he love her.
‘Are you absolutely sure?’ Mila asked.
He nodded. ‘I never thought I would be this man.’
‘The brooding kind?’
He crossed his arms. ‘I suppose that is accurate.’
Her expression softened. ‘You have to give yourself some time. You are heartbroken.’
‘Must you?’
‘You are.’ She tapped his chest. ‘You have the biggest heart of any man I know. It was only a matter of time before someone crushed it. Not that this is Brei’s fault, of course.’
The corners of his mouth tugged. ‘But a Maeatae warrior. I mean, the entire thing is laughable. You cannot deny it, because I recall your reaction when I first told you about her.’
‘I was a little surprised is all.’ Mila leaned against the stone wall, watching the guards who looked up and down the streets. ‘And yet fate keeps bringing the two of you back together.’ She fell silent for a moment. ‘I liked her, you know. Yes, she was wrong for you in lots of ways, but not in the ways that matter.’ She glanced at him. ‘We both know you will bore of Camilla in no time.’
‘I was bored after one conversation.’ He could feel his headache growing and rubbed at the spot again. ‘Why did Brei have to be so perfect?’
Mila suppressed a smile. ‘You really love her.’
He exhaled. ‘At what point am I supposed to accept that I am never going to see her again?’
Mila reached out and squeezed his hand. ‘You
lost the woman you love and your father in a matter of weeks. It is a lot. Even for someone who is as resilient and practical as you. You are going to absolutely hate me for this, but—’
‘Please do not say to take one day at a time.’
‘You need to take one day at a time.’
He shook his head. ‘You just had to say it.’
Her response came in the form of a grin. Before she had a chance to speak, the sound of horses approaching made them both turn. Two mounted soldiers came towards them, and the guards crossed the street to block them.
Nerva sighed. ‘It is all right,’ he called to them. ‘They are Geta’s men.’
The guards stepped aside to let the horses pass.
‘What is it?’ Nerva asked when they were close enough to hear him.
One of the soldier’s spoke up. ‘The emperor would like to see you at the palace.’
It was the third time Geta had sent for him that week. Nerva was performing the role of advisor despite having never agreed to it. The day he had gone to Geta and asked for that letter had sealed his future. The man was keeping his secret, and now Nerva had a debt to pay. Of course, that was not the only reason he remained in the city he had grown to despise. He wanted to ensure their fleet of ships never touched the shores of Caledonia ever again.
He turned to Mila. ‘You will have to forgive me.’
‘Go.’ She waved him away. ‘Just make sure you come and say goodbye when you are done.’
Chapter 39
It was over one hundred miles from Hadrian’s Wall to Antonine’s Wall. The two women travelled north on Dere Street, always bracing for trouble. Thankfully, the extra supplies Marcus had been referring to were two daggers. They felt much better with weapons on hand.
They reached the wall in three days, finding it abandoned and covered by low-hanging clouds that made the sight more eerie. The tall gate sat ajar. All that fighting. All that bloodshed. For what? The moment Severus had died, his sons had withdrawn their troops and retreated south. It would take decades for the Caledonii and Maeatae to recover from the loss.
