Sliding Doors

by Karen Klyne

  She never gives up. She’d have written herself off weeks ago. Alex waved back.

  Most of the seats were taken, but she managed to find one between two women. She looked up at the television, and there was some discussion or other going on. Whatever it was, she wasn’t interested, so she opened her Kindle and continued reading her book.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the woman on her left shaking a finger at the TV.

  “No, I don’t agree. You lot have no idea about mental health. You’re just paying lip service,” she shouted at the panel of men and women.

  She was a small woman, only about four feet ten, but her voice resonated around the room like a giant.

  She turned to Alex and gave her a gentle nudge on the arm. “They don’t know what they’re talking about, do they?”

  At one time, she’d have jumped at the opportunity of a good debate. Now she avoided them like the plague. She made a move to get up, but the woman took hold of her arm.

  “Do you want a game of table tennis?”

  It was a random question, and it almost made her chuckle. She didn’t want to ignore the woman though. “Not right now, thanks. Maybe another day.”

  The woman let go of her arm. “Good. I’ll keep you to that.”

  Alex went back to her room. Before she switched her light off, she made a decision. If she saw the woman again, she’d talk to her. Maybe it was time.

  The following afternoon, she sat by the window overlooking the garden. She desperately wanted some fresh air, but the rain hadn’t let up all day. The sky was full of the wet stuff, and it didn’t look like it was ever going to clear. A shadow crossed her path, and she was aware of someone’s presence. She looked up to see the woman from last night.

  “Do you want that game?”

  “Okay. Why not?” On the way to the games room she mumbled that she hadn’t played for years, but the woman wasn’t listening.

  When they got to the table, the woman picked up one of the bats and examined it. Then she looked up. “My name’s Fazan Malik. Call me Faz. What’s yours?”

  “It’s Alex.” She refused to use the name people wanted her to go by. If she was going to keep her sanity, she couldn’t let go of who she was.

  “Right, Alex. Choose your weapon.” She held up a red bat and a green one.

  She plumped for the green one. She hoped this wasn’t going to be a competition.

  “Ready?” Faz shouted from the other side of the table.

  She held up her bat, and the ball came hurtling toward her. She missed that one, and Faz sent another over. Eventually they got into a good rhythm but nothing too fancy.

  “I’ve seen you before in the––”

  The ping pong of the ball drowned her words out. “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”

  Faz nodded and gave up.

  Alex found the constant pit-pat of the ball therapeutic. She was just relaxing into the tempo when the door flew open. A nurse marched toward the table. She stopped and placed her hands on her hips.

  “What the heck are you playing at, Faz? You know you’ve got an appointment with the doctor.”

  Faz ignored her and continued to play. “I’m busy.”

  The nurse caught the ball as Alex hit it across the table. Faz slammed her bat down and stormed off, followed by the nurse. Comforting to know she wasn’t the only one who didn’t like doctors.

  Reece didn’t visit that night. Maybe she was cutting down. She had no idea what was going through Reece’s mind. Perhaps she’d had enough of Alex’s cold shoulder routine. She missed her though. It was a lonely life without anyone to talk to.

  She didn’t see Faz again until much later. She was in the quiet room, but tonight, it wasn’t so quiet. There was a large jigsaw on a table in the corner. It wasn’t the thin cardboard type. The pieces were made from wood. She supposed that people with mental issues would find the former too difficult. However, all Alex could hear was someone pounding a fist on the table.

  “Get in there,” the angry woman shouted.

  Alex strolled over and stared at the brightly coloured block of wood that Faz was trying to jam into the wrong space. She tried to hammer it in with her fist again.

  “It doesn’t fit in there. You can’t make it fit. It’s a bit like life.” She picked up another shape from the edge of the table. “Try this instead.”

  Faz raised her eyebrows. “It’s the same colour.”

  “Yes, but that bit belongs on his tail, whereas this is the parrot’s eye.” Alex prized the tail piece out, and Faz slipped the new piece in.

  “That’s the bit I’ve been looking for.”

  In that case, Alex wondered why was she trying to make its tail fit into that slot.

  “That’s better.” She looked up and smiled. “Fancy a coffee?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  They filled up plastic cups from the machine and sat at the table by the window. “How did your meeting go?”

  Faz shrugged. “Fucking idiot.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Sure. Tell you what. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

  Alex wasn’t expecting that. She pondered and nodded. It wasn’t like talking to another patient could make anything here worse. “Deal.”

  Faz took a deep breath. “I’m an illegal immigrant.” She laughed. “An alien is what they like to call me. I came here from Pakistan on the back of a lorry, a boat, another lorry, and then another boat. To cut a long story short, I had a debt to pay. Their terms weren’t to my liking. I said I’d tell the authorities and carry the consequences. They force fed me some drugs, cut my wrists, and left me under a bridge somewhere to make it look like an attempted suicide. Luckily, someone found me before I bled out.”

  Alex covered her mouth with her hand. “Shit. That’s dreadful.” And there was her thinking she had problems. At least no one had tried to kill her.

  “A&E and then here. I’m alive.” Faz flicked her hands over to show the cuts to her wrists. Then she took Alex’s arm and turned it over. “They did a better job than you.”

  Alex shook her head. “No. That’s just…” What was the point in trying to explain? “Go on.”

  “In a way, it was the best thing that could have happened. I have a great social worker and a legal adviser. They think they can swing it for me to stay. I’m only twenty-three, and I do have relatives here, which helps, and it would be dangerous for me to go back to my country. They will eventually help me find accommodation and a job. It’s been a hard road, but I am getting there.”

  “Christ, Faz. I’ve never met someone who’s been through all that. So, what happened yesterday when we were in the games room? You seemed none too happy.”

  Faz sighed. “It’s just that idiot man, Bollard. He’s always reading into things that are not there. He is messing things up for me.”

  Alex sighed and shook her head. “Be careful. Don’t upset him too much. He’s powerful.”

  Faz nodded. “I know. It took a lot of doing, but I apologised to him.” Faz folded her arms across her chest. “I’m bored talking about me now. I would like to hear your story.”

  “Okay, but I need another coffee first.”

  Faz jumped up. “Let me get them.”

  Alex liked Faz. She was the kind of person who would be a good friend outside the hospital. She was real, and open, and the first person she’d trusted enough to tell her story. However, listening to Faz made her wonder whose shoes she’d prefer to be in. Maybe neither.

  She came back, placed the coffees down on the table, and they sipped them in silence.

  Faz tapped her fingers on the table. “Go on then. Your turn.”

  Alex related her story, with every detail up to the current time, even though it sounded weird and ridiculous. Faz didn’t laugh or make any comments during her account. She finished and leaned back in her seat. “Do you believe me?”

  “You have told me what your memories are, and I believe you. If you a
re sure, it shouldn’t matter what I think.”

  “It does matter. I’m surrounded by people who keep telling me I’ve imagined this life. There’s Reece, her children, her mum and dad, my mum and dad, the doctor, and loads of others. They all think I’ve lost the plot.”

  “It sounds like Reece is on your side…in a way. She’s trying to get back what she has lost, and her poor kids are just innocent victims. Even though you are supposed to have been this woman with lots of problems, she has stuck by you. Perhaps you would have ended up here anyway. When I say you, I mean this Gemma person.”

  “And?”

  “Really, it is about what you are going to do now. Are you going to spend the rest of your life here, telling a story that no one believes? Is that what you want?”

  She made a good point. She hadn’t really given the future much thought since she’d hoped the situation would somehow have fixed itself by now. Hearing it from someone else put it into perspective. “What would you do?”

  Faz laughed. “Firstly, I would want to get out of here. This is no place for a sane person.”

  “Like you, I don’t have any money. Not that I know of. Right now, I only have that house to go back to, but I don’t want to make compromises.”

  “Take your choice, Alex. You can live here and become institutionalised, or you can live a lie on the outside world and try to make the best of it. Only you can make that choice.”

  Alex rubbed her lip. Faz was right. She had two choices. Neither really appealed, but one was better than the other. “How do I do that?”

  Faz looked right, left, and behind her. “I would change my appearance. You have let yourself go a bit, yes?”

  “Have I?”

  “Yes. When you first came in, you looked immaculate. Your hair looked good, your nails were not bitten to the quick, and your clothes fitted better. Start eating. Go to the hairdressers. Have a manicure. Talk to people. Listen to others when you are in the group sessions and show that you care. Give the doctor a reason to think that your mental state is improving. Hold meaningful conversations with Reece. Ask about the children, and how her mum and dad are. Do you want me to go on?”

  Alex laughed. “Sounds like you’re becoming my mentor.”

  “I am happy to be so. Anyway, I am bored out of my tiny mind. It would give me something to do.”

  “How long have you been here, Faz?”

  “About a week longer than you.”

  “Don’t you want to leave too?”

  “Of course…when the time is right.” She chuckled. “I might even take on a new identity, like you.”

  “Ha ha. Don’t you dare leave without telling me where…or who you are. I need someone normal out there.” Alex slapped the table. “Hey, we could share an apartment together.”

  Faz reached over and covered Alex’s hand with hers. “Before we start making plans, get your life sorted. You have to see what it’s about, even if you end up getting a divorce from the wife you don’t really have. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes things are sent to test us. Maybe the time was right for this strange change in your life.” Faz took her hand away and rubbed her neck. “If you really believe that this other woman somehow stole your life…you know, swapped identities or whatever, don’t you want to know how or why?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then find out. And you cannot do that from in here.”

  Alex laughed. “How, exactly?” She’d been so focused on getting people to believe her, she hadn’t considered how to figure out things for herself. Someone like Faz was the right person to be around.

  “Well, when you get out, start doing some research on Google. From what you’ve said, this Gemma was just an ordinary woman with a wife and two kids. If she did steal your life, then how did she do it? She could not just walk along the beach and randomly pass you a bag and steal your life. There must be more to it than that. There are some strange phenomenon in this world we cannot begin to understand.”

  “Do you really think so?” The tingle in Alex’s fingers ran up her arms.

  “Yes. I have seen a lot of mysterious things in my life. Some that can be explained, and some that cannot. You are living it, so it is up to you to figure out how to fix it.” Faz placed her hand on Alex’s arm and held it tightly. “I am here for you.”

  “Thank you. You’ve given me hope.” Her dad would’ve said the same. Get off your arse and face the challenge.

  Alex leaned back and closed her eyes. She couldn’t imagine what this new life held, but it made her think about her old one. She’d been stuck in a rut. Work was her pleasure, and even that had begun to lose its appeal. There was a time when she couldn’t wait to get up and start the day. It was an adventure, and she never knew what would happen next.

  Then it changed. Now it was buy a run-down house, renovate it, and rent or sell it. Make money. Same old, same old. When the lads knocked off work, all eager to get home to their other lives, she’d stay on and work. There wasn’t much to go home to. Nobody needed her except for her dog. Now he’d gone. She loved her mum in her own way, but her physio, Laurel, seemed to have more in common with her. The two of them chatted all the time about the old days, even though she and Alex had been at school together. The old days for her consisted of her dad. And he’d left her. He’d died. Life had no meaning after that.

  They’d been Dad and Daughter. They shared their business, but most of all they were best friends. She so missed their Saturdays together at the football. They’d been Southend fanatics with season tickets, and they followed the team all over the country. Saturdays had become a void, so she’d spent them working, trying to fill the empty gap.

  Then there was her friend and solicitor, Mark. Right from the start, he’d made it clear about his feelings toward her which were more than platonic. She wasn’t into men and never had been, though she’d worked so damned hard that she never had any time for women either. They had a good time together, went for dinner, and to shows, but that was it. In a way, she was stringing him along, because he never seemed to give up hope, and she enjoyed having someone to hang out with who didn’t require anything in return. Then she’d met Chloe in the planning office. She hardly ever came across women in her male dominated world, and they’d really clicked. Chloe had asked her out, and she’d accepted. They’d been out quite a few times together, and she’d gone back to Chloe’s one night and ended up spending the weekend there. She liked Chloe, but she didn’t think she was the one.

  So, in the end, she’d let her mum down, her friend down, and her girlfriend down. And now they’d all think she’d simply walked out on them…unless that other woman had taken over her life. Did they think she was Alex? Knowing what she knew about how the people in this life thought she was Gemma, it seemed logical. And that woman was a mess. Was she treating her mum right? Was she taking care of Jasper?

  She couldn’t help it. She put her head in her hands and wept. The tears wouldn’t stop until there were bucket loads, no, wheelbarrows, full of them.

  She felt firm arms around her shoulders. She rocked in her chair, and Faz held her tightly until the tears subsided.

  Faz fetched a box of tissues from another table. When she’d finished wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she began to laugh. She wasn’t sure why. Perhaps she’d needed a good cry.

  Faz laughed too. “We’ll get through this. That is what I’m here for.”

  She nodded. How could this young woman be so selfless after all she’d been through? She thanked her lucky stars that Faz had crossed her path. She shook off the melancholy. Time to use the building blocks and step from misery to hope.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was a beautiful day, so Reece took a walk in the park before making her way home from her surgery. She needed fresh air and inspiration. She wasn’t sure if she could keep this frantic timetable up for much longer. She rarely suffered ill health, but this intense emotion and rushed activity seemed to be draining the life from her body and so
ul. She needed a holiday, but that was out of the question right now. Perhaps she could rearrange her schedule, take a few days off, and spend some more time with the children, who she constantly felt she was neglecting. Her mum and dad told her she was imagining that part.

  She kicked at a pile of leaves on the dewy grass. It was a cool day for September, and the unexpected breeze blew and scattered the leaves all around. She shivered as a gust of cold air sent a chill down her spine. She pulled the collar of her jacket up and stuck her hands in her pockets. She hoped this cold spell wasn’t the sign of an early winter. She sat on a bench and looked around. The leaves were beginning to turn, changing into the vivid reds and oranges of the season. She watched a squirrel scurrying about gathering nuts in preparation for the early winter. They didn’t need a weather forecast.

  She took a deep breath and was warmed instantly by the smell of a nearby fire. Her mouth began to water as she thought about the apple crumble her mother had promised to bake for dessert. Small things could lift her spirit, but she couldn’t imagine poor Gemma experiencing the same. Life in a psychiatric hospital couldn’t be compared to the freedom on the outside. Perhaps she’d take her some apple crumble to cheer her up, though she imagined it would take more than her mum’s cooking to do that. She’d give it a try though.

  She hadn’t visited Gemma for a few days. She hadn’t wanted to pass on any germs. She knew anxiety carried no germs, but she wasn’t prepared to admit to that. One minute she’d been too hot, the next minute too cold, and her stomach was churning all the time. Then she had this twitching in her leg muscles when she was sitting or lying down. It only eased when she walked around. She gave into a day off, followed by the weekend, and rung the hospital to say she wasn’t well, so at least Gemma would know.

  Even after that break, she was exhausted and wanted to go to bed for a week and just sleep. Nevertheless, she picked up her coat and car keys. “See you later.” Callum and Mattie came over to give her a hug.

  Callum took her hand. “Say hello to Mummy. Tell her to get better soon. It’s going to be all right, you know.”