The Keith Laumer MEGAPACK®

by Keith Laumer

  Retief jumped forward, hauled Magnan free, thrust him aside and stopped, right fist cocked. The two Qornt lay groaning feebly.

  “Nice piece of work, Mr. Magnan,” Retief said. “You nailed both of them.”

  * * * *

  “Those undoubtedly are the most bloodthirsty, aggressive, merciless countenances it has ever been my misfortune to encounter,” Magnan said. “It hardly seems fair. Eight feet tall and faces like that!”

  The smaller of the two captive Qornt ran long, slender fingers over a bony shin, from which he had turned back the tight-fitting green trousers.

  “It’s not broken,” he whistled nasally in passable Terrestrial, eyeing Magnan through the heavy goggles, now badly cracked. “Small thanks to you.”

  Magnan smiled loftily. “I daresay you’ll think twice before interfering with peaceable diplomats in future.”

  “Diplomats? Surely you jest.”

  “Never mind us,” Retief said. “It’s you fellows we’d like to talk about. How many of you are there?”

  “Only Zubb and myself.”

  “I mean altogether. How many Qornt?”

  The alien whistled shrilly.

  “Here, no signalling!” Magnan snapped, looking around.

  “That was merely an expression of amusement.”

  “You find the situation amusing? I assure you, sir, you are in perilous straits at the moment. I may fly into another rage, you know.”

  “Please, restrain yourself. I was merely somewhat astonished—” a small whistle escaped—“at being taken for a Qornt.”

  “Aren’t you a Qornt?”

  “I? Great snail trails, no!” More stifled whistles of amusement escaped the beaked face. “Both Zubb and I are Verpp. Naturalists, as it happens.”

  “You certainly look like Qornt.”

  “Oh, not at all—except perhaps to a Terrestrial. The Qornt are sturdily built rascals, all over ten feet in height. And, of course, they do nothing but quarrel. A drone caste, actually.”

  “A caste? You mean they’re biologically the same as you?”

  “Not at all! A Verpp wouldn’t think of fertilizing a Qornt.”

  “I mean to say, you are of the same basic stock—descended from a common ancestor, perhaps.”

  “We are all Pud’s creatures.”

  “What are the differences between you, then?”

  “Why, the Qornt are argumentive, boastful, lacking in appreciation for the finer things of life. One dreads to contemplate descending to their level.”

  “Do you know anything about a Note passed to the Terrestrial Ambassador at Smorbrod?” Retief asked.

  * * * *

  The beak twitched. “Smorbrod? I know of no place called Smorbrod.”

  “The outer planet of this system.”

  “Oh, yes. We call it Guzzum. I had heard that some sort of creatures had established a settlement there, but I confess I pay little note to such matters.”

  “We’re wasting time, Retief,” Magnan said. “We must truss these chaps up, hurry back to the boat and make our escape. You heard what they said.”

  “Are there any Qornt down there at the harbor, where the boats are?” Retief asked.

  “At Tarroon, you mean? Oh, yes. Planning some adventure.”

  “That would be the invasion of Smorbrod,” Magnan said. “And unless we hurry, Retief, we’re likely to be caught there with the last of the evacuees!”

  “How many Qornt would you say there are at Tarroon?”

  “Oh, a very large number. Perhaps fifteen or twenty.”

  “Fifteen or twenty what?” Magnan looked perplexed.

  “Fifteen or twenty Qornt.”

  “You mean that there are only fifteen or twenty individual Qornt in all?”

  Another whistle. “Not at all. I was referring to the local Qornt only. There are more at the other Centers, of course.”

  “And the Qornt are responsible for the ultimatum—unilaterally?”

  “I suppose so; it sounds like them. A truculent group, you know. And interplanetary relations are rather a hobby of theirs.”

  Zubb moaned and stirred. He sat up slowly, rubbing his head. He spoke to his companion in a shrill alien clatter of consonants.

  “What did he say?”

  “Poor Zubb. He blames me for his bruises, since it was my idea to gather you as specimens.”

  “You should have known better than to tackle that fierce-looking creature,” Zubb said, pointing his beak at Magnan.

  “How does it happen that you speak Terrestrial?” Retief asked.

  “Oh, one picks up all sorts of dialects.”

  “It’s quite charming, really,” Magnan said. “Such a quaint, archaic accent.”

  “Suppose we went down to Tarroon,” Retief asked. “What kind of reception would we get?”

  “That depends. I wouldn’t recommend interfering with the Gwil or the Rheuk; it’s their nest-mending time, you know. The Boog will be busy mating—such a tedious business—and of course the Qornt are tied up with their ceremonial feasting. I’m afraid no one will take any notice of you.”

  “Do you mean to say,” Magnan demanded, “that these ferocious Qornt, who have issued an ultimatum to the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne—who openly avow their occupied world—would ignore Terrestrials in their midst?”

  “If at all possible.”

  Retief got to his feet.

  “I think our course is clear, Mr. Magnan. It’s up to us to go down and attract a little attention.”

  * * * *

  III

  “I’m not at all sure we’re going about this in the right way,” Magnan puffed, trotting at Retief’s side. “These fellows Zubb and Slun—Oh, they seem affable enough, but how can we be sure we’re not being led into a trap?”

  “We can’t.”

  Magnan stopped short. “Let’s go back.”

  “All right,” Retief said. “Of course there may be an ambush—”

  Magnan moved off. “Let’s keep going.”

  The party emerged from the undergrowth at the edge of a great brush-grown mound. Slun took the lead, rounded the flank of the hillock, halted at a rectangular opening cut into the slope.

  “You can find your way easily enough from here,” he said. “You’ll excuse us, I hope—”

  “Nonsense, Slun!” Zubb pushed forward. “I’ll escort our guests to Qornt Hall.” He twittered briefly to his fellow Verpp. Slun twittered back.

  “I don’t like it, Retief,” Magnan whispered. “Those fellows are plotting mischief.”

  “Threaten them with violence, Mr Magnan. They’re scared of you.”

  “That’s true. And the drubbing they received was well-deserved. I’m a patient man, but there are occasions—”

  “Come along, please,” Zubb called. “Another ten minutes’ walk—”

  “See here, we have no interest in investigating this barrow,” Magnan announced. “We wish you to take us direct to Tarroon to interview your military leaders regarding the ultimatum!”

  “Yes, yes, of course. Qornt Hall lies here inside the village.”

  “This is Tarroon?”

  “A modest civic center, sir, but there are those who love it.”

  “No wonder we didn’t observe their works from the air,” Magnan muttered. “Camouflaged.” He moved hesitantly through the opening.

  The party moved along a wide, deserted tunnel which sloped down steeply, then leveled off and branched. Zubb took the center branch, ducking slightly under the nine-foot ceiling lit at intervals with what appeared to be primitive incandescent panels.

  “Few signs of an advanced technology here,” Magnan whispered. “These creatures must devote all their talents to warlike enterprise.”

  Ahead, Zubb slowed. A distant susurration was audible, a sustained high-pitched screeching. “Softly, now. We approach Qornt Hall. They can be an irascible lot when disturbed at their feasting.”

  “When will the feast be over?” Magnan called hoars
ely.

  “In another few weeks, I should imagine, if, as you say, they’ve scheduled an invasion for next month.”

  “Look here, Zubb.” Magnan shook a finger at the tall alien. “How is it that these Qornt are allowed to embark on piratical ventures of this sort without reference to the wishes of the majority?”

  “Oh, the majority of the Qornt favor the move, I imagine.”

  “These few hotheads are permitted to embroil the planet in war?”

  “Oh, they don’t embroil the planet in war. They merely—”

  “Retief, this is fantastic! I’ve heard of iron-fisted military cliques before, but this is madness!”

  “Come softly, now.” Zubb beckoned, moving toward a bend in the yellow-lit corridor. Retief and Magnan moved forward.

  * * * *

  The corridor debouched through a high double door into a vast oval chamber, high-domed, gloomy, paneled in dark wood and hung with tattered banners, scarred halberds, pikes, rusted longswords, crossed spears over patinaed hauberks, pitted radiation armor, corroded power rifles, the immense mummified heads of horned and fanged animals. Great guttering torches in wall brackets and in stands along the length of the long table shed a smoky light that reflected from the mirror polish of the red granite floor, gleamed on polished silver bowls and paper-thin glass, shone jewel-red and gold through dark bottles—and cast long flickering shadows behind the fifteen trolls at the board.

  Lesser trolls—beaked, bush-haired, great-eyed—trotted briskly, bird-kneed, bearing steaming platters, stood in groups of three strumming slender bottle-shaped lutes, or pranced an intricate-patterned dance, unnoticed in the shrill uproar as each of the magnificently draped, belted, feathered and jeweled Qornt carried on a shouted conversation with an equally noisy fellow.

  “A most interesting display of barbaric splendor,” Magnan breathed. “Now we’d better be getting back.”

  “Ah, a moment,” Zubb said. “Observe the Qornt—the tallest of the feasters—he with the head-dress of crimson, purple, silver and pink.”

  “Twelve feet if he’s an inch,” Magnan estimated. “And now we really must hurry along—”

  “That one is chief among these rowdies. I’m sure you’ll want a word with him. He controls not only the Tarroonian vessels but those from the other Centers as well.”

  “What kind of vessels? Warships?”

  “Certainly. What other kind would the Qornt bother with?”

  “I don’t suppose,” Magnan said casually, “that you’d know the type, tonnage, armament and manning of these vessels? And how many units comprise the fleet? And where they’re based at present?”

  “They’re fully automated twenty-thousand-ton all-purpose dreadnaughts. They mount a variety of weapons. The Qornt are fond of that sort of thing. Each of the Qornt has his own, of course. They’re virtually identical, except for the personal touches each individual has given his ship.”

  “Great heavens, Retief!” Magnan exclaimed in a whisper. “It sounds as though these brutes employ a battle armada as simpler souls might a set of toy sailboats!”

  Retief stepped past Magnan and Zubb to study the feasting hall. “I can see that their votes would carry all the necessary weight.”

  “And now an interview with the Qorn himself,” Zubb shrilled. “If you’ll kindly step along, gentlemen….”

  “That won’t be necessary,” Magnan said hastily, “I’ve decided to refer the matter to committee.”

  “After having come so far,” Zubb said, “it would be a pity to miss having a cosy chat.”

  There was a pause.

  “Ah…Retief,” Magnan said. “Zubb has just presented a most compelling argument….”

  * * * *

  Retief turned. Zubb stood gripping an ornately decorated power pistol in one bony hand, a slim needler in the other. Both were pointed at Magnan’s chest.

  “I suspected you had hidden qualities, Zubb,” Retief commented.

  “See here, Zubb! We’re diplomats!” Magnan started.

  “Careful, Mr. Magnan; you may goad him to a frenzy.”

  “By no means,” Zubb whistled. “I much prefer to observe the frenzy of the Qornt when presented with the news that two peaceful Verpp have been assaulted and kidnapped by bullying interlopers. If there’s anything that annoys the Qornt, it’s Qornt-like behavior in others. Now step along, please.”

  “Rest assured, this will be reported!”

  “I doubt it.”

  “You’ll face the wrath of Enlightened Galactic Opinion!”

  “Oh? How big a navy does Enlightened Galactic Opinion have?”

  “Stop scaring him, Mr. Magnan. He may get nervous and shoot.” Retief stepped into the banquet hall, headed for the resplendent figure at the head of the table. A trio of flute-players broke off in mid-bleat, staring. An inverted pyramid of tumblers blinked as Retief swung past, followed by Magnan and the tall Verpp. The shrill chatter at the table faded.

  Qorn turned as Retief came up, blinking three-inch eyes. Zubb stepped forward, gibbered, waving his arms excitedly. Qorn pushed back his chair—a low, heavily padded stool—and stared unwinking at Retief, moving his head to bring first one great round eye, then the other, to bear. There were small blue veins in the immense fleshy beak. The bushy hair, springing out in a giant halo around the grayish, porous-skinned face, was wiry, stiff, moss-green, with tufts of chartreuse fuzz surrounding what appeared to be tympanic membranes. The tall head-dress of scarlet silk and purple feathers was slightly askew, and a loop of pink pearls had slipped down above one eye.

  Zubb finished his speech and fell silent, breathing hard.

  Qorn looked Retief over in silence, then belched.

  “Not bad,” Retief said admiringly. “Maybe we could get up a match between you and Ambassador Sternwheeler. You’ve got the volume on him, but he’s got timbre.”

  “So,” Qorn hooted in a resonant tenor. “You come from Guzzum, eh? Or Smorbrod, as I think you call it. What is it you’re after? More time? A compromise? Negotiations? Peace?” He slammed a bony hand against the table. “The answer is no!”

  Zubb twittered. Qorn cocked an eye, motioned to a servant. “Chain that one.” He indicated Magnan. His eyes went to Retief. “This one’s bigger; you’d best chain him, too.”

  “Why, your Excellency—” Magnan started, stepping forward.

  “Stay back!” Qorn hooted. “Stand over there where I can keep an eye on you.”

  “Your Excellency, I’m empowered—”

  “Not here, you’re not!” Qorn trumpeted. “Want peace, do you? Well, I don’t want peace! I’ve had a surfeit of peace these last two centuries! I want action! Loot! Adventure! Glory!” He turned to look down the table. “How about it, fellows? It’s war to the knife, eh?”

  * * * *

  There was a momentary silence from all sides.

  “I guess so,” grunted a giant Qornt in iridescent blue with flame-colored plumes.

  Qorn’s eyes bulged. He half rose. “We’ve been all over this,” he bassooned. He clamped bony fingers on the hilt of a light rapier. “I thought I’d made my point!”

  “Oh, sure, Qorn.”

  “You bet.”

  “I’m convinced.”

  Qorn rumbled and resumed his seat. “All for one and one for all, that’s us.”

  “And you’re the one, eh, Qorn?” Retief commented.

  Magnan cleared his throat. “I sense that some of you gentlemen are not convinced of the wisdom of this move,” he piped, looking along the table at the silks, jewels, beaks, feather-decked crests and staring eyes.

  “Silence!” Qorn hooted. “No use your talking to my loyal lieutenants anyway,” he added. “They do whatever I convince them they ought to do.”

  “But I’m sure that on more mature consideration—”

  “I can lick any Qornt in the house.” Qorn said. “That’s why I’m Qorn.” He belched again.

  A servant came up staggering under a weight of chain, dropped it
with a crash at Magnan’s feet. Zubb aimed the guns while the servant wrapped three loops around Magnan’s wrists, snapped a lock in place.

  “You next!” The guns pointed at Retief’s chest. He held out his arms. Four loops of silvery-gray chain in half-inch links dropped around them. The servant cinched them up tight, squeezed a lock through the ends and closed it.

  “Now,” Qorn said, lolling back in his chair, glass in hand. “There’s a bit of sport to be had here, lads. What shall we do with them?”

  “Let them go,” the blue and flame Qornt said glumly.

  “You can do better than that,” Qorn hooted. “Now here’s a suggestion: we carve them up a little—lop off the external labiae and pinnae, say—and ship them back.”

  “Good lord! Retief, he’s talking about cutting off our ears and sending us home mutilated! What a barbaric proposal!”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time a Terrestrial diplomat got a trimming,” Retief commented.

  “It should have the effect of stimulating the Terries to put up a reasonable scrap,” Qorn said judiciously. “I have a feeling that they’re thinking of giving up without a struggle.”

  “Oh, I doubt that,” the blue-and-flame Qornt said. “Why should they?”

  Qorn rolled an eye at Retief and another at Magnan. “Take these two,” he hooted. “I’ll wager they came here to negotiate a surrender!”

  “Well,” Magnan started.

  “Hold it, Mr. Magnan,” Retief said. “I’ll tell him.”

  “What’s your proposal?” Qorn whistled, taking a gulp from his goblet. “A fifty-fifty split? Monetary reparations? Alternate territory? I can assure you, it’s useless. We Qornt like to fight.”

  “I’m afraid you’ve gotten the wrong impression, your Excellency,” Retief said blandly. “We didn’t come to negotiate. We came to deliver an Ultimatum.”

  “What?” Qorn trumpeted. Behind Retief, Magnan spluttered.

  “We plan to use this planet for target practice,” Retief said. “A new type hell bomb we’ve worked out. Have all your people off of it in seventy-two hours, or suffer the consequences.”