by A. S. Kelly
“Everyone picked on you at school because you were the nice one, who helped other people, and that made you weak in their eyes.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No, you weren’t. You were a nice little boy, polite and kind. And you still are, underneath all your bitterness. You’re still there.”
“And where did it get me, Nick, being soft like that? I was bullied at school, I had to train in the garden with Ian every evening just so I was strong enough not to break my bones out on the field. I gave all of myself to someone who didn’t want it, so they chucked me away. To be cheated on with my own brother.”
“Jesus, Ryan, if I could go back in time, I’d rather skin myself alive.”
“I know,” I say, exhausted now.
“You mean everything to me, Ryan. I’d do anything for you. I’d do it for Mum and Dad, for Ian, but for you…for you…” his voice cracks. “You didn’t deserve it, Ryan. She wasn’t right for you. And I’m sorry that you met her, that you fell in love, that she broke your heart. If I could do something, anything, to make it up to you… I swear, I would.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and let his words start to heal the pain in my heart.
“Just because I came here and listened to you, doesn’t mean I forgive you,” I tell him, not even believing my own words.
He stands up, too.
“You already have, Ryan. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, asking for my help.”
“I didn’t come here to ask for your help.”
He smiles again. A bit too much for my liking.
“Don’t ask, then. You don’t have to.”
“Look, I don’t need you, Nick.”
“Okay, Ryan. Whatever you say.”
“It’s just that…I think I’ve really, really fucked up this time and…” I look at him in embarrassment, “And you’re the only one who won’t judge me for it.”
Nick takes another deep breath. “You always did call me when you fucked up.”
“Well yeah, Ian would’ve torn me apart. You won’t.”
“Maybe because I’ve probably done worse.”
“Maybe,” I say, shrugging. “Or maybe you just understand better than anyone else.”
I can see his chest puff up with pride.
“I don’t know if I can draw a line under what’s happened, but I know that it wasn’t your fault that she never came back to me.”
“That doesn’t erase what I did, though.”
“No. But it’s already a start.”
“A start…I like that,” he smiles, satisfied. “So…” he continues, cautiously. “You and Christine…?”
“Me and Christine. Over before it even started.”
“Mmm…”
“Jesus, what kind of bastard am I?”
“You’re not a bastard, Ryan, you never have been. Not even when you were trying to kill me.”
“I never did, though. I couldn’t have.”
“I know.”
“You always know everything.”
“I definitely know more than you. Like how, right now, you’re dying of guilt and you just want to find a way to make things right and make her forgive you. But you don’t know how.”
“I’d be happy to beat myself to a pulp.”
“I don’t think that would solve anything – apart from ruining your handsome face. And, bro, you still need it.”
I smile, despite myself.
“What did you do that was so bad?”
“Something horrible – something unforgivable.”
“Do I have to call back up?” he jokes, but I’m not in the mood.
“No,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes. From my expression, he understands that I’m serious. “Just you. Just…us.”
“Us,” he repeats, and I swear I can see a warmth of emotion in his eyes.
Maybe, after everything that’s happened, it really is time to put it all behind us. Maybe he’s not as big a dick as he seems.
Maybe Ian was right to make me come back.
Maybe, now, it finally feels like I have two brothers again.
59
Chris
I lift the last few chairs up onto the table and go back towards the counter, where Vic has whipped out a bottle of wine.
“I don’t feel like drinking.”
She looks at me worriedly.
“You haven’t felt like doing anything recently.”
I shrug and try to avoid her gaze.
“Why don’t you want to talk to me? What’s happened?”
I sigh and pull myself up onto the counter. She pours herself a glass of wine and then does the same.
“If I tell you, do you promise you won’t get mad, and tell me something that will make me want to wallow in my own stupidity? You won’t say ‘I told you so’?”
“I obviously can’t promise any of that, you know, but go ahead anyway.”
“It’s about Ryan O’Connor.”
“I’d have bet my balls it was about him.”
“You don’t have balls.”
“Honey, you have no idea… But anyway, stop trying to change the subject. Tell me everything.”
“We saw each other.”
“And…?”
“And we slept together…a few times.”
“Oh, fuck!”
“I won’t go into detail. That’s private.”
“Since when have you kept anything private from me?”
I take a deep breath. “Since now,” I tell her, seriously.
She looks at me, confused.
“I don’t want this to become local gossip, and if I’d told you earlier, the whole town would’ve known after thirty seconds.”
“What?” she slides off the counter and stands in front of me. “What are you trying to say?”
“Vic…”
“We’ve been friends for years, Chris. I’ve been there for you every day and now you decide to tell me that I’m not trustworthy?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I think that’s exactly what you’re saying.”
“I just know that you like to gossip. Everyone here knows about Martin, how things ended between us, and it makes me uncomfortable. Not to mention some of my more questionable dates, my problems with Evan – even how nosy my family is! Everyone knows everything and I didn’t want it to happen this time. Ryan is…important.”
“So you don’t trust me, is that it? You don’t think I’m capable of keeping a secret.”
“What, so you are capable?” I ask determinedly.
“I can’t believe this.” Vic snatches her bag from under the counter and throws it over her shoulder. “You just keep your secrets to yourself and your rugby champion. I’m going home.” She looks at the clock. “My shift’s been over for a while, and there’s no point staying unless you want to pay me overtime.”
I shake my head sadly and let her leave. Maybe I took it too far, but I can’t deal with her judgments anymore – let alone the little pieces of gossip she shares with anyone and everyone. I’ve already let her stick her nose into mine and Martin’s business all these years, and I won’t let her do it again with Ryan – even though there’s not a lot to stick her nose into.
It’s over between me and Ryan. Not that anything ever really started. It’s been four days since that night, and there’s been no trace of him. I’ve actually not seen his family around for a while, either – maybe they’re keeping their distance from here, or maybe I’m just imagining things. Why would Ryan have told his family about me? There’s nothing really to tell, and I’m sure their not being around is just a coincidence. Nothing more.
What went on between us was a huge mistake, confusing, something indefinable, impossible to keep going. We gave it a go, but Ryan doesn’t want what I can give him.
I don’t mean anything to him. I’m not what he needs. I’m not what he wants, despite him being exactly what I want.
I slip off the counter and open up the till. I take out t
he cash from the last few hours and add it to my bag, along with the takings from the rest of the day. Tomorrow morning, I have to go to the bank, which means I’ll need to get up even earlier than usual – which means Evan will probably be late for school.
I switch off all the lights and shrug my jacket on. Grabbing my bag, I head out to the back of the café, where my car is parked; but when I open the door, something smacks hard against my forehead, making me lose my balance.
I fall to the ground, slamming my face against the concrete. I’m confused, my vision cloudy, but I’m still conscious. I reach out over the concrete to try and find my bag, to get hold of my phone, but another blow to the head knocks me out.
Then, darkness.
60
Ryan
I’m sitting in the back row, back in my rightful place. Despite my permanent position in the team, I feel much more at ease back here, in the background: hidden, silent, pissed off.
And this time, it’s at myself.
The coach is talking, showing us the tactic diagrams for next Saturday, outlining the opposition’s strengths and weaknesses – but I’m not listening to a single word he says. The only words ringing around my head are hers.
All so painful. All so true.
Christine made the best decision for both of us in finishing things right away, before one of us got hurt. And I can’t do anything but accept the decision, and admire her strength and maturity: two traits I’ll never have, not even in twenty years’ time.
The coach sends us all home. I get up from my seat and head towards the changing rooms to gather up my stuff, but the world’s most irritating couple resurface. They haven’t finished with me yet.
“What do you two want?” I ask right away, cutting right to the chase.
“Something wrong?” Jamie asks.
“Nothing you two can’t solve.”
“Ah, got it. Trouble with the ladies.”
“Not ladies. Just one,” Ian cuts in.
“The one who came to the match?” Jamie asks him.
“Yep, that’s the one,” he replies.
“I’m right here, by the way.”
“Yeah, but this is nothing to do with you,” Jamie says.
“You’re talking about me…”
“There you are!” Nick comes sprinting into the changing rooms. “Could one of you maybe turn on your fucking phone once in a while?”
“We were at a meeting – why? What’s happened?” Ian asks, worried.
“And what are you doing here?” I ask him, tired of always seeing him around places where he shouldn’t be.
“I’ve been trying to get hold of you both for an hour.”
“We were at the team meeting,” Jamie nudges himself into the conversation.
“Has something happened at home?”
Nick shakes his head. “Everything’s fine at home.”
“So what is it, then?” Ian says, raising his voice. “Tell us, for fuck’s sake!”
Then, Nick turns to me and looks me right in the eyes – from the pain and seriousness in his gaze, I realise that this is about me. About someone I love.
“What…?” I ask, already feeling my throat close over.
“You have to come with me, right now.”
“Where the fuck are we going?”
Nick looks at Ian. I understand that look, the one that has always bonded them and excluded me – as if I’ve always been that scared little boy that they have to keep safe.
Ian nods, and Nick looks back at me.
“Something happened at Chris’ café.”
I hadn’t even realised that my legs had given way until I felt the bench under my arse.
“She’s in hospital. I came to take you to her.”
“In hospital?” Ian asks, concerned.
“I think you should go home. Riley will have found out by now, too.”
“I’ll come too,” Jamie says, grabbing his stuff and following Ian out of the changing rooms.
“Ryan,” Nick turns to me again. “We have to go.”
“I don’t…”
“You have to prove to yourself now that you’re better than you think you are.”
We fly through the doors of A&E, as I’m dragged along by Nick, weaving our way in between doctors and nurses rushing from one room to another. When he sees Evan sitting on a chair, he grabs my arm and nods at me to go over to him, bringing me suddenly back down to Earth. I gather my courage and approach him, my legs shaking.
“Evan…”
He lifts his head suddenly, and when he sees who I am, he jumps up, throwing his arms around my neck.
I stand there, frozen, my arms swinging by my sides as this boy squeezes me tight, needing reassurance. Something I’ve always needed, too. Something my family has always given me, and always will.
And even though I’m nobody, though I don’t mean anything to him, he needs someone to console him and tell him everything will be okay – so I’ll do it anyway.
I hug him. I hold him tight, trying to give him courage, to tell him through my body language that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, and that he – they – can count on me.
And I realise in that moment that, actually, I need someone to hug me, too. Someone to tell me that, despite everything, it’ll all be okay.
61
Chris
“Ms. Morgan?”
I open my eyes and blink, trying to follow the voice.
“Welcome back to us,” it smiles at me – I think. I’m not sure. “Tell Martin,” it says, turning to someone next to them. “How do you feel?” it turns back to me.
“I’m not sure…”
“Do you know where you are?”
The unmistakable white nightgown tells me that I’m in hospital.
I nod, painfully.
“Do you remember what happened?”
“More or less…I think someone hit me around the head…is that right?”
“We believe you have a concussion to the brain. We’re going to keep you in overnight for observation. There are two police officers outside who’d like to ask you a few questions.”
“O-okay.”
“I’ll let your son in first. But only two minutes, okay? He’s in shock at the moment.”
The doctor leaves the room, followed by a nurse, and a few seconds later, Evan appears in the doorway. I hold my hand out to him, and he flies over to me, hugging me tight.
“Hey, watch it…Everything hurts right now.”
“God, Mum…you could’ve…”
“I’m fine.”
He slowly releases me and looks at me, his eyes wide and bloodshot.
“They’ve gone to look for Dad,” he says. “We’re in his hospital. He’s been called in for an emergency just now, but he’ll be back as soon as he can.”
I nod, my mood immediately dipping.
“But outside, there’s…”
“Me,” Ryan finishes for him, standing in the doorway. “I’m here for you.”
And just like he emptied me out completely, he fills me back up again in an instant.
“So, the café…?”
“I’m sorry, Chris,” Martin squeezes my hand. “The important thing is that you’re okay.”
I nod, sinking into all the pillows.
“I have to go, I’m still doing the rounds. Evan’s just outside, but he’s asleep across the chairs. I’ll be back later, okay? Don’t tire yourself out.”
“Thanks, Martin.”
He kisses my forehead and goes, leaving me alone in the room.
I cover my face with my hands and feel like I’m about to burst into tears: but crying definitely won’t help my throbbing migraine, and will only make everything hurt even more.
I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes, trying to control the tears, when a familiar voice makes me snap them open again. I didn’t realise how desperate I was to hear it.
“Can I come in?” Ryan asks shyly, standing in the doorway.
“I thought you’d gone home.”
“I didn’t want to leave Evan on his own. Nick’s with him now.”
“Thank you.”
“And I didn’t want to leave you here alone, either.”
Now it’s getting really difficult not to cry.
He approaches my bed slowly, his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. He’s wearing his rugby kit. He realises that I’m looking and looks down himself, too, before speaking again.
“Nick tried to call me, but I was at a team meeting. So he ran over to the training centre then brought me straight here.”
He sits down next to the bed and rests his elbows on the mattress.
Then he lifts his hand and, trembling, he strokes my cheek.
“My God…Christine,” he says, his jaw clenched.
I know how pale I must be. Not a pretty picture.
“They could’ve really hurt you.”
“I’m okay,” I say, playing it down. “They only wanted the cash from the till, but apparently they changed their minds, seeing as they destroyed half the café for no reason. My café, Ryan. My whole life,” I say, covering my eyes again.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
I slowly shake my head.
“It’ll all be okay.”
“I’m really in trouble,” I confess. “I didn’t insure everything…I couldn’t afford the comprehensive insurance, and I don’t know how…”
He gets up suddenly and sits on the bed, taking me into his arms. I lean my head against his chest and he breathes into my hair.
“Shh…It’ll all be fine, okay? It’ll be fine. I’m here, Christine.”
The tears start to tumble uncontrollably.
“Just let it all out – beat me up if that’s what’ll make you feel better. I can take it, you know.”
I smile despite myself.
“Fall to pieces if you have to. Just do it. With me. And I promise you that I’ll pick them all up and put you back together.”
He strokes my cheek tenderly with his enormous hands.
“I couldn’t bear it… If something had happened to you, if…” his voice betrays him. “If you’d…”
