by A. S. Kelly
I lift my head and look him dead in the eyes. I cover his hand with my own and smile through my tears. “You’re really here,” I say, incredulously, dazed by what’s happened.
“Where the fuck was I supposed to go? God, Christine…You get it, right? You know what’s happening? You know that this,” he squeezes my hand, “This isn’t what I thought, what we thought?”
I nod, full of hope.
“It’s happening – and I didn’t want it to, but it’s happening. I can’t fight it, I can’t swim against the current. I’m not strong enough. My muscles are no fucking use. I can only let myself float away and…Fuck, I really want it to lead me away, if it means that it leads me to you.”
“I never had you down as a poet, Ryan O’Connor.”
“I’m not – that’s the amazing thing.”
He leans his forehead against mine and breathes slowly.
“You told me it was over – but you know what I think? Fuck that, Christine. Nothing’s over, because you and me still need a chance to begin.”
62
Ryan
“Er, guys,” Evan interrupts us during one of my top Ryan O’Connor moments: the one where I make an idiot out of myself in front of a woman.
“Honey,” Christine reaches out to him, and he comes over and joins us. He sits on her bed too, hugging his mother.
“You didn’t come home, you weren’t answering your phone…I called a taxi and came to the café. The back door was open… You were just lying there on the floor, there was so much blood…” Evan squeezes her tighter. “I called an ambulance and mentioned Dad’s name to the paramedics. They brought you here and then Dad called the police. I didn’t even think of it, I was so scared, and I thought you were…”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay.”
Evan pulls away from her.
“The café…”
“I know.”
“But why? What was the point?”
She sighs sadly and strokes Evan’s hair.
“I can’t answer you.”
“What’s going to happen now? What will you do? What will we do…?”
“You don’t have to worry honey, it’s just a café,” she says, fighting off tears.
Evan looks at her, his eyes frightened. He’s not just talking about a café either, but about their whole world. A world they’d be lost without.
“I have to call Granny and Granddad.”
“Have you not called them yet?”
He shakes his head.
“They’ll have heard by now, surely. It’s probably best if I call them.”
“It’s late,” I interject. “It makes no sense to worry them in the middle of the night.”
She nods in agreement. “I’ll do it tomorrow morning.”
“You should get some rest, we’ll give you some space. We’re just outside if you need us.”
She looks at me, confused, and I understand why.
“I’m staying, Christine. And there’s nothing you can do or say to make me change my mind. Get used to it, okay?”
“Nick’s out here, too,” Evan tells her.
“Yeah,” I say, through gritted teeth. “It’s impossible to get rid of him, whether you want him there or not.”
Christine gives a small smile. Her face is all beat-up, and big dark circles frame her eyes. She has a bruise on her forehead and another on her cheekbone – but despite all that, she’s still stunning.
“Come on, kid,” I say to Evan, taking him by the arm and making him get off the bed. “Let’s give her a few hours of peace.”
“I’m really not that tired. Well, actually, I’m knackered, but I’ll never be able to sleep after everything that’s happened.”
“Do you want us to stay with you?” Evan asks. He said us.
Christine shrugs.
“Won’t they kick us out? I don’t think we’re allowed to stay this late.”
Evan looks at me, smirking. “We have connections in this hospital.”
Of course. That arsehole.
I nod, but I’m not happy with the idea of that dickhead always hanging around.
“Well, we’ll stay then. At least until you fall asleep.”
Evan goes back to sit next to his mother and snuggles himself up next to her. I stay back, keeping my distance, feeling like I might be intruding in their intimacy – but I have no intention of leaving completely.
Christine looks at me, gesturing towards the other side of the bed.
What should I do? Should I dive right in? Squeeze myself into their lives, into their business?
Do I go in? Or do I stay outside?
My legs move of their own accord: clearly my head is taking too long to decide. I walk around the other side of the bed and sit down. I lean my back against the pillows and try to create a space for myself.
“You’re taking up the whole bed,” Evan says.
“I’m fat, can’t you see?”
“Oh, we can see,” Christine jokes – and my heart begins to beat a little faster, reminding me of just how desperately I want to hear her joke.
I reach my arm behind Christine’s head and squeeze Evan’s shoulder. Christine leans on my shoulder, Evan leans into his mum, and my arm is wrapped around both of them.
Even though there’s not much space – we’re in a single hospital bed, for fuck’s sake – and even though I’m so bulky and there’s no real reason for me to stay. Even though I don’t really have anything to do with this family, I can feel myself being drawn to them.
I let them all lean on me.
Christine only falls asleep once the sun begins to rise. Evan follows suit a few minutes later. But I stay awake, watching them, and I let myself imagine evenings on the sofa, watching films; takeaway dinners, laughter, arguments, and Sunday dinners with my parents.
My mind starts to sketch out the most beautiful and most terrifying scene I could ever have imagined.
Me, starting to become part of an ‘us’.
Them, becoming my family.
Me, having a family.
My family. Only mine.
63
Chris
“What a pretty picture,” Martin says, walking into the room and waking us all up.
Evan jumps up from the bed, stretching, as Ryan stays frozen in place, with me in his arms.
“They need to come and do your observations,” Martin says, strangely serious. “You all need to get out.”
“Will you be doing the observations?” Ryan asks, without loosening his grip on me.
“I’m a doctor.”
“I don’t think that’s appropriate.”
“What do you know about medical protocol?”
“Er…okay, guys. Let’s calm down,” I interrupt, as Ryan slowly gets up and removes his arm from around me. “I’d prefer a different doctor, too,” I say, embarrassed.
Martin doesn’t react. He nods, leaving the room, probably off to call someone else.
“Seeing as we’re not wanted here, I’m going to go and grab a coffee and get Evan some breakfast. Will you be alright on your own?” Ryan asks.
“Sure.”
“Be back soon, Mum,” Evan says, kissing me on the cheek before walking out of the room.
“Thanks,” I say to Ryan, now that it’s just the two of us again.
He comes over to me and bends down to me. “I’ll be back in a bit. Don’t go anywhere without me.” Then he plants a kiss on my lips, before joining Evan outside.
After my check-ups, Ryan comes back into the room with a cup of coffee.
“They told me you’re allowed liquids now, so I thought coffee would be exactly what you needed.”
“Thanks,” I say, taking the cup from his hands and taking a sip. “Oh, God, yes.”
Ryan lets out a laugh, and sits on the bed.
“Nick took Evan home to get you some clothes.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised.
“I heard them say you’re being discharged soon.”
&nbs
p; “Yeah,” I sigh.
“Well, I’ll make a few calls then take you home.”
“You’re taking me home?”
“Obviously. I told you not to go anywhere without me.”
“But I…”
“I’ll take care of her,” Martin steps into the room. “Of both of them.”
Ryan turns to him, crossing his arms over his chest.
“My shift’s over in a couple of hours, and then…”
“This isn’t up for discussion.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m taking them home.”
“But, really…”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Piss off, Ryan O’Connor. This is my family.”
“Your family?” Ryan laughs bitterly. “No it’s not, Martin. You’re Evan’s dad, and that’s fine, but they…” he turns to me, “She isn’t yours.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, O’Connor. How long have you been here? Ten minutes? I’ve been around for sixteen years.”
“What’s going on?” Evan and Nick come into the room.
“Hi, Chris,” Nick smiles at me. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.”
“Thanks for staying and keeping Evan company.”
“Are you kidding? We’re here for you.”
I smile gratefully, basking in the O’Connors’ unexpected affection.
“So, ready to go home?” Evan asks, putting a bag on the floor. “I’ve brought you some clothes to change into.”
“Thank you, honey.”
“I was just saying to your mother that I’ll be done in a few hours, then I can…”
Evan lifts a hand, stopping his father in his tracks.
“Ryan said he’d take us home.”
Martin raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms.
“And then what? Is he going to stay with you?”
“That’s none of your business, Dad,” Evan says, his voice hard. “We’re none of your business.”
Martin’s stare darkens.
“You’re my dad, but you’re not…our family. You’re not part of it. You chose not to be.”
“Evan…”
“No, Dad. It’s time to just let us go. To let Mum go.”
Silence falls over the room. Martin and Evan hold each other’s gaze, steadfast and mature, each defending what’s theirs. I never noticed when my son stopped being a cheeky teenager and turned into such a wonderful young man.
“Got it,” Martin says. “I’ll drop round later to see how you are.”
“You can call instead,” Evan says, his stare unwavering.
“Evan…” I try to intervene. I don’t like the way this conversation is heading.
“We’ll take care of her,” he concludes.
“We?” Martin asks through his teeth.
Ryan steps closer to Evan and places a hand on his shoulder.
“We.”
And my heart latches onto that word with all the strength I can muster, with all the longing that has suddenly become a reality.
We let ourselves in and Evan leads me right over to the sofa.
“Would you rather stay here or go upstairs?”
“I’ll be fine here.”
“How’s your head?”
“Hammering. It’s like having an electric drill in my brain.”
“Dad gave me these. He said you should take them,” he says, handing me two pills from the container.
“Here’s your water,” Ryan says, passing me a bottle.
I swallow the pills and take a few sips, then fall back onto the sofa.
“Are you comfy?” Evan asks again. “Do you need any more cushions?”
“I’m tired. I think I’ll just try closing my eyes for a while,” I say, relaxing now, happy to finally be home. “But first I should call Granny and Granddad.”
“I already called them this morning. They wanted to come to the hospital, but I told them you were being discharged. They should be here any minute.”
“Oh, God.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll deal with them.”
“You’re dealing with too much, you’re only young. I should be the one taking care of you.”
“Well, right now, you need me.”
I smile at him, but I’m already too tired to argue. What the hell did Martin give me? Horse tranquiliser?
I close my eyes, falling into a soft, relaxing sleep, forgetting just for a moment what happened, and what’s going on now.
“And who are you?”
In the distance, I hear familiar voices, and force my eyes open.
“This is Ryan, Granny.”
“Ryan…?”
“Ryan O’Connor.”
“Well, we haven’t had the pleasure of being introduced yet.”
“Granny…”
“What? My daughter’s been assaulted, the café is ruined. I come over and find…him. Don’t I have the right to ask questions?”
“Don’t get wound up, now…” My father’s voice instantly makes me smile.
“Of course I’m wound up – how couldn’t I be? My daughter was nearly…”
“Your daughter is here,” I say, slowly lifting myself into a sitting position on the sofa.
“Oh, my God,” Mum cries, her hands flying to her mouth. “Your face!”
“Mum!” my sister interjects. Then she comes over and hugs me tight. “How are you?”
“I’ve been worse.”
“And him…?” she whispers.
“Not now, please,” I say, nodding towards Mum.
“Got it.”
My sister helps me back to my feet and my parents hug me affectionately.
Evan puts the kettle on and we all sit down on the sofa.
I tell them all what happened – at least, what I can remember – and I try to ignore my mother’s gasps punctuating every word.
“So what are you going to do now?” Dad asks, concerned.
“I’ll think about it tomorrow. I can’t do it now.”
“If you need anything – if you need your mother to stay…”
“That’s not necessary,” Ryan says, sitting on the arm of Evan’s armchair.
Everyone turns to look at him.
“I’m here.”
“Oh…okay,” my father gets up and takes Mum’s arm. “Do you want Evan to come and stay with us for a few days? Just until you’re back to normal.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Evan says, standing up too. “I want to stay here with Mum.”
Dad ruffles his hair and nods, before saying goodbye to me with another hug.
“Call us,” Mum calls from the doorway.
She closes it behind them and I exhale heavily.
“Wow. I complain about my family, but yours…”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Right now, I just want to have a shower. I still smell like the hospital.”
“I’ll help you,” Ryan offers.
I look at him, raising an eyebrow.
“I’ll only help you upstairs.”
He takes my arm and leads me to the stairs, as Evan gestures to him that he’s keeping an eye on us. Once we reach my room, he lets go. I start to look for something in my drawers, and he stands there, watching me.
“What?” I ask.
Ryan looks at me for a few moments, then quickly scoops me up in his arms. He buries his head into my neck and inhales deeply.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stop thinking about what I did, what I said. I’ll never forgive myself, and you shouldn’t either, but I really hope that you will. Please, Christine – can you?”
I smile against his chest.
“I was so…”
“It’s okay, Ryan. It’s all okay.”
“Don’t do anything like that again,” he mumbles into my hair. “Don’t scare me like this again, because I don’t think I could bear it.”
“Ryan…”
“Shh… Don’t say anything. I just need to know that you’re here, i
n this house. And that I’m with you.”
I slowly pull away from his embrace and look into his beautiful, terrified eyes.
“I’m here, Ryan. We’re both here, together.”
64
Ryan
Evan opens the front door. “Oh, hi…”
I poke my head out of the kitchen to see Nick waltzing into the living room.
“I brought back up,” he says, as Ian and Riley appear behind him.
“What the hell…?”
“How is she?” Riley asks right away.
“Better. She’s upstairs, having a shower. What are you doing here?”
“We thought you might need us.”
“Why would I?”
Nick shrugs.
“I get it: you guys don’t trust me. You don’t think I’m capable of taking care of someone, right? Always the same fucking story – Ryan’s the immature little boy who can’t be trusted.”
“We’re here for her, you dick. And maybe a little bit for you,” Nick grabs my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. “I saw how you were at the hospital. You were in shock. We just wanted to make sure you were okay, too.”
I look at him, doubtfully.
“So why are they here, then?” I ask, nodding at Ian and Riley.
“Well, Riley didn’t want to stay at home because she was too upset, and Ian…he’s here to cook.”
“You cook?” Evan asks, approaching him. “Welcome, mate. Make yourself at home! The kitchen’s over there.”
We all burst out laughing.
“What’s going on?”
Christine appears on the stairs, still wrapped in her dressing gown.
“An O’Connor-style invasion,” I tell her.
“Chris,” Riley goes right over to her and throws her arms around her. “I was so worried, I wanted to come and see how you’re doing.”
“I’m okay, thank you. But…why are they all here?”
Riley turns to look at my brothers.
“They’re kind of a package deal. A bit like the Three Musketeers. You need to get used to it.”
They’ve only been here for a few minutes and I already feel suffocated.
