Beautiful Disaster

by C. J.

  “Um, Danny, I think those guys are looking for us.”

  “No way.”

  “Uh, yes, way. Yes, big fucking way.”

  “Sweet.”

  “Danny I don’t think you have fully grasped the situation. Those people, the ones toting weaponry, think we may be responsible for the mess at Lexi.”

  “Wow, they are good. How did the cops find out so quickly? Oh crap, oh shit, I better back up. Why isn’t this thing backing up? Back up, back up. Why aren’t you backing up?” Danny hollered to his ’97 green Land Rover while looking out the back window.

  “I can think of several good reasons. One is that you have put the beast in neutral, and second and most importantly, the biggest reasons are right in front of us.” Kevin pointed directly out of the windshield and then raised both hands above his head.

  “Now what are you doing?” Danny finally turned his head toward the windshield and saw a bunch of reasons aiming rifles at them through the glass. He waved at the phalanx in front of the car, gave what he thought was a harmless smile and raised his hands.

  “Wow this is just like the movies, I feel like Dillinger,” Danny said out of the corner of his mouth.”

  “Yes and we all know he lived a long and happy life in the suburbs tending to his rose garden didn’t he?”

  “Yes, exactly. No, wait he,..., oh right. Not a good ending.”

  “I haven’t had to scratch my nose all day, and now, if I don’t scratch, I’ll go insane but, I have a feeling if I make a move a lot of bullets are going to come this way.” Kevin said out of the corner of his mouth.

  “Oh, thanks. Ever hear of the power of suggestion, you ass? Now I have about a million places I have to scratch.”

  “Hey, isn’t that Mr. Millwood?” asked Kevin, slightly dropping his arms and tilting his head slightly to the right.

  Franklin Millwood was Conner’s direct supervisor and R& D Manager at Lexi Corp. He was imposing in everyday circumstances, but tonight he looked absolutely terrifying. He was a rugged looking, black man standing six feet four and weighing in at a fit 195 pounds all of it muscle and brain. His face looked as though it may have been carved out of stone. There was a rumor that Millwood was once caught smiling, but then again it might have just been gas. He was rarely seen out on the floor but when he was spotted, an eerie silence enveloped the lab. Tonight he was wearing workout clothes that, on him looked like a tailored suit.

  “Man, he even looks good in sweats. I have a similar outfit and don’t look nearly as good,” said Danny.

  “Clothes or gear. Guys do not wear outfits. Girls wear outfits, you pussy,” reprimanded Kevin.

  “I’ve heard it either way. Who are you calling a pussy, you ass,” Danny snarled, dropping his hands altogether.

  “Ass? Oh you’ve caught me to the quick with your stinging insults,” said Kevin also dropping his hands.

  The two front tactical officers shared a look of disbelief since their target’s inane conversation could be plainly heard from the car’s open windows. The first officer, Officer Jay who had zero patience with everyone and everything, approached the car and tapped the butt of her rifle against the car’s front panel. “Hey, ladies shut the fuck up,” she hissed, and then stepped back to her initial position in line.

  At the word “ladies,” Kevin and Danny returned to reality and focused once more on the figures and weapons aimed in their direction. Their arms went shooting for the roof of the car simultaneously, jamming their fingers and cracking their knuckles against the top of the vehicle.

  “Ow, motherfucker!” wailed Danny, while Kevin whimpered, his eyes tearing up in pain.

  Out of the corner of Danny’s eye, he could see Mr. Millwood speaking to one of the SWAT people. Millwood and the SWAT guy burst out laughing. The SWAT guy who appeared to be the head of the SWAT team, shouted, “Stand down!” Then he whispered something only his team members could hear.

  “Stand down, how can we stand down, we are sitting.” Danny said.

  “Not us, them. I wonder what Mr. Millwood said that was so funny.”

  “I don’t know or care. I’ll just be happy when those things aren’t pointed at us any longer.”

  “I hear that,” agreed Kevin.

  At the command “stand down,” the entire SWAT team pointed their weapons away from the Land Rover. Two officers approached the SUV, one on either side of the green beast and opened the car doors. Danny and Kevin looked at one another, before they were pulled out of the vehicle and tumbled onto the pavement. They were quickly frisked, cuffed, and then parked on a nearby curb. One officer stood by them while the other officer, joined by two more the Land Rover after Danny was served a warrant for the vehicle.

  From the Land Rover came startled grunts and exclamations of “What the fuck?” as various items were found and discarded. Comments along the lines of “I think I’m gonna need a tetanus shot” to “I will have to burn my uniform after this one” could also be heard.

  The head of the SWAT team approached the Land Rover and asked for a report of findings. One of the searchers, who seemed to be wearing several layers of gloves, shot Danny, and Kevin a look, shook his head and informed “No weapons or drugs. However, there are numerous containers marked Lexi with unidentifiable substances in them, along with some brand new empty containers. We may have to do a controlled burn in this thing just to get past the fast-food container level. There’s only one clean spot in the car, and that’s the passenger seat and floor. It’s as if that area is completely separate from the rest of the vehicle. It’s the weirdest thing.”

  “I’ve been meaning to clean the beast out,” Danny piped up. “You know how these things go, you never think about it until you’re in the car, when you are actually going somewhere, so there’s no time. Now about those containers, they make great cereal bowls and leftover dishes. I just sometimes forget about them and...” Danny trailed off as he noticed that Mr. Millwood was paying close attention to his rambling speech. “I’m sure I retrieved them from the dumpster as they probably had cracks in them,” he continued.

  As he was blithering on, Kevin was literally trying to distance himself from Danny by scooting his butt along the curb, only to run into the foot of Officer Jay. She shook her head at him and nudged him back with her boot.

  Danny decided that shutting up and sitting quietly might actually be a good idea and began examining the debris in the curb with great interest. Kevin, however, realizing that he was sitting on a curb, was trying to hover just slightly above it until Officer Jay noticed his hovering and told him to knock it off.

  Millwood turned to the SWAT team leader and whispered, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s moments like this that I long for the old days at DS&T.”

  “I know what you mean. Government work had its drawbacks, well, it was all drawbacks, but something like this could be handled much quicker and quieter with the right tools and personnel. If I remember correctly, I was always assigned to the smelliest and most bug infested parts of the world, while you always seemed to be lounging along the Mediterranean.”

  Millwood and SWAT team leader, Sgt. Preast, were still in the middle of their discussion when they came upon Kevin and Danny while walking toward the apartment complex. “Now, now, there are some less than ideal places along the coast. And speaking of nasty and smelly, we have yet to cross the threshold of their adobe,” Millwood said pausing in front of Danny and Kevin squatting on the curb. Millwood dipped his head in greeting and said, “Mr. Kensington, Mr. Montgomery, good evening.”

  “Mr. Millwood, always a pleasure to see you sir, and Sgt. Beast nice to meet you as well,” Kevin said squinting at the cursive lettering on Preast’s vest.

  “It’s Preast, not Beast. It’s this damn lettering. Never mind. You will address me as Sgt., is that clear?”

  “Sir, yes sir Mr. Sgt. Sir,” stammered Kevin, as Danny giggled.

  Danny saw a twitch at the corner of Mr. Millwood’s mouth as if he was suppressing
a smile. But that was impossible. A smile from Millwood was like a sighting of the Loch Ness monster, an impossibility, a myth.

  “Now let’s go up to your apartment and get some things straightened out, shall we? We have already served the warrant on your apartment. The team up there should be wrapping up shortly,” said Preast, who then nodded to Officer Jay.

  Jay un-cuffed both Danny and Kevin. They slowly got to their feet and began waving their wrists back and forth to get the blood going in a more normal flow until they realized people were staring at them. So they attempted a few tough-looking macho poses, such as standing with their arms crossed and hands on hips, talking about how their sports-related injuries were affected by their uncomfortable position.

  “You know, I would just shrug this off, but my old ‘tator cuff injury from college is acting up and”

  “That’s rotator cuff, you ass,” Kevin hissed at Danny. Then, holding his lower back and wincing, Kevin said, loudly and conversationally, “Yes, I know what you mean, sitting on the curb bothered my hockey injury as well.”

  “You mean field hockey, right,” smirked Officer Jay as she gently prodded the two in the direction of their apartment.

  “Officer Jay, hmm, is that Jay or just a letter J?” inquired Kevin.

  “Yeah, I only do this part-time. My real job, well I could tell you but then I’d have to..., let’s just say at the very least it would involve dark sunglasses and a neuralyzer,” whispered Officer Melissa Jay in a super serious voice.

  “Oh my God. Oh my God! Danny, Danny, you won’t believe,...wait a second,” Kevin said, stopping so suddenly that Jay to walked right into him in a not so unpleasant way. “You know I’ve got a black suit at home and when this is all over, if you wanted to go out and save the world some time...?” Kevin said over his shoulder to Officer Jay as Danny looked at Kevin as if he’d really lost his mind.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  OFFICER MELISSA JAY always felt downright hideous and un-sexy. Sort of like a shapeless blob of dark chocolate melting in the hot sun. When out of her equipment, she looked like a typical 32-year-old woman with a cute, blonde, pixie hairstyle and trim five foot five figure with sculpted arms and legs. She wasn’t a gym nut but used the gym to release anger and stress. Usually, the stress manifested from relationships that ended badly. Her re-cooperating period often lasted as long as the relationship. The last scumbag had lasted six months. She had been determined not to make the same mistakes as in the past. Go slow and for God’s sake don’t live together right away. The main rule she laid down for herself was, don’t date a cop or anyone connected with law enforcement.

  Things started out great with her and Alistair Fletcher. They took things slow. He was a bond broker at some big firm, or so she thought. He had been until the SEC took a look at his company and he decided to amscray with several accounts. She began to notice weird transactions in her savings account. There would be a large sum of money in her account one day that were gone the next. She at first thought it was a bank error. However, when she backtracked through her account, there were more of these transactions, and they all started shortly after Alistair came into her life. Alistair Fletcher. Geez, the name alone should have tipped her off. What a pretentious name. Who could have such a name? Well, not this dirtbag. He was one Murray Haggs of Akron who had the SEC hot on his ass. She made an anonymous call to the SEC and tipped them off to an Internet café that he had been hanging out at all day instead of going to his bond job as he had told her. She watched as they grabbed him coming out of the café and made sure he saw her as she dumped a bagful of his crap into a nearby dumpster. After spending the rest of the afternoon in a nearby D-Queen, she went into her stress relieving, post-breakup routine of working out and then watching every type of thriller and sci-fi paranormal type movie she could find for the next six months. She didn’t want to see anything remotely mirroring real life.

  So Melissa was rethinking the rule of not dating fellow law enforcement as they had already been given a thorough background check and the odds of hooking up with another Alistair/Murray was minuscule. She was at the five months two-weeks and three-days mark since that particular romantic disaster, (but who was keeping track) when she ran into Kevin and Danny. She first considered them possible homegrown terrorists, but that assumption was immediately downgraded to clueless morons when they actually appeared on the scene. After watching Danny and Kevin for a while, she felt that Kevin wasn’t as goofy as the first impression given, and when she ran into him, instead of being annoyed, she found it wasn’t an unpleasant experience.

  He is sort of attractive. He has that shaggy dark hair I like, and he is nice and normal looking. Average height not skinny or fat and not one of those guys with no neck I see at the gym. Such lovely dark eyes and those cheekbones, hey, get a grip. I really am an idiot. I need to get professional help or maybe transfer to a convent. I wonder if nuns can carry weapons, perhaps just a small one, she thought, right before replying, to Kevin’s question about going out sometime.

  “Um, this isn’t exactly the time, but I’ll think about it,” Melissa said as her inner voice immediately started chastising her. What did you just do? You just told him you would think about it. What is the matter with you? You’re like one of those women who keep on dating assholes who beat them up. You’re stuck in some sort of hideous moron dating circle of hell.

  “Cool. And, this isn’t as bad as it seems, you know,” Kevin said. “We are victims. At least you will know how to get to my place if you decide to take me up on my offer.”

  “You’re about as much a victim as the unexpected passenger that shanghaied the Nostromo. Now shut up. You are home sweet home.”

  “Oh my God, I think I’m in love, an alien reference,” Kevin whispered, and then followed Danny into their apartment building.

  It was conveniently located between Maggie’s place and Lexi Corp. Between the two of them, they could afford a three bedroom unit in which Danny could keep his clutter confined to his bedroom. They used the third bedroom as an office in which Kevin did the household accounts, and Danny kept his mad scientist journals and unknown debris Kevin did not want to go near.

  On their floor they waited out in the hallway, feeling eyeballs looking at them through the peepholes of neighboring doors. An officer clad in black camo came out of their apartment, looked at them, shook his head, and then spoke to Sgt. Preast. “Sgt., the apartment’s clean, well except for the one bedroom; you won’t believe that. Sorry. Um, nothing listed on the warrant, sir.” Officer Becker, who had wished for arm length gloves while searching Danny’s room, shook his head once again and exited down the hallway.

  “Now gentlemen, shall we?” Preast said, motioning for Kevin, Danny, and Millwood to enter the apartment.

  Thanks to Kevin the apartment was spotless. There were only a few signs of Danny’s presence, such as some Lexi Corp. stationery from the desk of a VP on the coffee table, and a scanner and battered laptop that had the look of Danny’s ownership. He immediately grabbed the scanner and stationary and whisked them off into the kitchen, saying, “Kevin leaves his various projects out. God knows I’m only one man and can only do so much around the house.”

  Kevin started to go after Danny to do him some grievous harm but realized that Jay was still hovering in the hallway. More importantly at this moment, Mr. Millwood was giving Danny’s back a look that could peel paint. Thus realizing that Mr. Millwood knew what an ass Danny was, Kevin decided to sit down and forgo doing Danny some grievous harm.

  “Sooooo, what happens now?” Kevin directed his question somewhere between Mr. Millwood and Sgt. Preast, unsure whom he should address.

  “Mr. Kensington, if it’s not too much of a bother, will you deign to join us?” asked Mr. Millwood. He sat in a Mission style chair across from an old leather couch that had barely survived the move to this last apartment and lost whatever color the factory had initially assigned it. Millwood and Sgt. Preast had both instinctively avoided the co
uch as if it would swallow them up a la the bed from Friday the 13th.

  Kevin didn’t mind the couch, even though it had begun to look like something that had been through a dinosaur’s digestive system. The sofa was the first piece of furniture he and Danny had ever bought. Kevin liked it for sentimental rather than aesthetic reasons, and he didn’t have to look at it as long as he was sitting on it.

  A lot of crashing, and sounds of drawers opening and closing preceded Danny exiting the kitchen, carrying a plate full of Wheat Thins and some sort of dip in a jar with a faded label. At least Danny thought it was a dip since it kind of tasted like garlic and onion and something else.

  “Sorry, I was just getting us something to snack on,” he said setting the plate down with a bang and causing a pile of the Wheat Thins to slide off the plate, across the table and onto the floor. “Sorry about, that I’ll just scoop them up.” Danny grabbed a handful of wheat thins and threw them back on the plate.

  “Mr. Kensington, sit down!” shouted Preast.

  Danny immediately sat like a well- trained dog next to Kevin on the couch. Kevin, meanwhile was wondering if his handheld vacuum was fully charged up so he could suck up the Wheat Thin remains from the carpeting.

  “Sorry.”

  “Now, this is just an informal interview with the two of you. I would like to ask you a few questions, and then you will have to make a formal statement down at the station. We at first thought that you two, well, never mind. After meeting with you and speaking with Mr. Millwood, I’ve come to the conclusion that you boys were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mr. Kensington and Mr. Montgomery, you both work in the same department of Lexi Corp., an R & D lab headed up by Mr. Millwood, is that correct?”

  “Yes,” chorused Danny and Kevin.

  “From what I have learned, your workday and that of everyone else in your department ends at 5:00 p.m., at which time everyone punches out and exits through security. However, tonight you two were still in the building after 5 pm. Why was that?” Sgt. Preast asked.