Not My Fantasy

by Sam Hall

  I found Tess sitting on one of the benches right at the back of the shop, nursing a drink. She was so still, just staring down at her drink. I should’ve been keeping more of an eye on what was going on with Merlin, I thought, she looks miserable. That didn't seem to be enough to deter the guy who was standing in front of her, carrying the one-sided conversation.

  "Hey," I said slipping down beside her, "not what you want to hear right now, but Mum's here and she's got her diary out."

  "Oh, the business meeting!" Tess said, slapping her forehead.

  "Don't worry, I forgot as well. I think I got caught up dusting the cobwebs or something similarly stupid."

  “Is she on the warpath?” Tess asked with a wince.

  “Not yet, but we might not want to miss this meeting. Otherwise, we’ll get an impromptu one here.” We both considered the prospect of our mother appearing at the shop, particularly on a quiet day when there were no customers. It wasn’t pretty.

  “I can sort out whoever’s troubling you ladies,” the guy said, leering down at us.

  “Who is this guy?” I asked Tess.

  “No idea, but I’m assuming anyone who comes to try and chat up a girl who’s sitting in a corner, miserable, is a bit of a creeper.”

  “Hey, I was just trying to be friendly,” he spluttered.

  “Cool, lots of girls here that would be keen to meet a friendly guy,” I said, waving at the rest of the shop.

  “What?"

  “We wouldn’t have a problem here, would we, mate?” Gabe appeared, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder.

  “Who the fuck are you?” the guy asked, turning towards him, hands starting to ball into fists.

  “The bloke who’s gonna knock your block off if you don’t leave these girls alone.”

  “Gabe,” I said, getting to my feet, “settle down.”

  “We understand each other?” Gabe demanded, staring into the other man’s face, not moving an inch.

  “You’re just lucky I don’t want to mess up Flea’s new place,” the guy said, taking a step backwards. Gabe just watched the guy move away, disappearing back into the crowd.

  “Seriously?” I asked. “That almost came to blows. We had it covered.”

  “Not saying you didn’t, just didn’t want you to have to deal with dickheads like that,” Gabe said.

  “We deal with dickheads like that every day. Probably have more experience than you at it,” I said. “You can’t try and protect us all the time.”

  “Now, don’t you two start a fight. Mum’s looking like she’s going to do an appraisal of Flea’s assets. Let’s go before we get kicked out,” Tess said.

  “Therese! Where’s this new mystery man of yours?” Mum asked the minute we got back. “I’ve been dying to meet him.”

  “Ah–” I started to try and find a way to deflect Mum’s focus, but Tess straightened and met her gaze head-on.

  “It was a misunderstanding on my part,” she said. “I thought he was interested, but when I pursued it, I realised I was wrong.”

  “Oh, Tess,” Mum said, “you do this so often! Remember the next-door neighbour boy?”

  “Jacob?” I said. “Seriously, Mum, they were seven years old.”

  “And she made a fool of herself chasing him around. His mother had to have words with me. Well, no matter, I know some lovely young men who would be over the moon to meet you. One of the new partners is gorgeous–”

  “Mother–” I growled.

  “Seriously. Could even give Ashley’s man a run for his money, though in a more tailored, refined way. Dark hair, bright-blue eyes–”

  “Mother!” Tess looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. A deer with big sad blue eyes that were about to start swimming with tears if this didn’t stop. Then Mum would never let this stuff go.

  “Why are you shouting at me in public, Ashley? I didn’t raise you to act in such a way. And anyway, I’m speaking with your sister.”

  “Hey, ladies,” Flea said as he passed by, "get you anything to drink?”

  “But I have a new boyfriend,” Tess said, wrapping her arm around Flea’s and drawing him close. “Flea and I, it was a rebound thing at first, but I think we’re both anticipating it turning out to be something more.”

  Suddenly, everything went very still. My parents’ eyes catalogued every single one of Flea’s many, many tattoos and the ratty clothing that seemed to be almost falling off of him, meshing that with the fact his name was a pest insect. I watched the cogs turn, looking at Tess and Flea and then Mum and Dad, then back again. I admired Tess’s ability to improvise, but wasn’t sure how this was going to end.

  "Yeah, I knew I had to tie this lovely lady down," Flea said, wrapping his arm around Tess's shoulders like it was the most natural thing in the world. He laid a gentle kiss on the side of her face, his lips lingering longer than was perhaps needed. "Been the best couple of weeks of my life."

  "Me, too," Tess said, snuggling into his side, almost using his lean body as a protective wall to put between her and us. We all just watched as Flea reached up to slowly push a lock of brown hair back behind her ear, his hand trailing down to caress her jaw.

  "C'mon, babe, want you to meet some of the new clients. Nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs McKinnon."

  "He's an employee here?" Mum asked, looking over the shop as if with new eyes.

  "Part owner," Gabe said.

  "Hmm, I think I need to see a prospectus."

  "That boy know you two are doing this to keep your mother off the scent?" Dad asked as Mum managed to carve a path through the crowd, people just moving out her way automatically. I guess even strangers didn't want to step in front of the perfumed steamroller.

  "I think so, though he did seem awfully pleased to be playing the role of boyfriend," I said.

  "Pretty girl throws herself at a guy, he's not going to complain," Gabe said with a wink.

  "I'm not sure who I need to rescue, but I'm pretty sure it’s one or more of them," Dad said, finishing off his beer and handing the bottle to the waitress. "Good to see you again, Gabe."

  "Same. Still got that Indian waiting for you to give 'er a spin."

  "Not fair to tempt an old man," Dad said with a grin, then went off to chase down my mum.

  "There you are, you prick." I looked up to see Jez sporting a huge grin, Shane at her side.

  "Fuck you, you dopey cunt,” Gabe said to Shane. “What are you doing with this dead-shit, Jez? It's been that long since we've seen him with the same woman twice, we figured he was a dud in the sack."

  Jez opened her mouth to describe exactly how wrong he was when I stopped her with an outstretched hand. "Don't you dare. I had to hear all about it the first time. I need a lot more to drink to hear it again."

  "You're jealous. I get it, it can be a tough burden to bear," Shane said with a grin.

  "Pretty sure I threw up a bit in my mouth."

  “I’d much rather be putting something in Jez's mouth," Shane said, cradling Jez to his body and running a hand along her jaw.

  "And I–"

  "Yeah, I gotta check up on Tess. Or spew, whichever comes first," I said and threw myself into the crowd. I could hear Shane's chuckles as I went.

  "So, we'd like your attention for a moment." Flea had climbed on top of one of the tattoo benches amid a bunch of whoops. It took a bit, but everyone eventually settled. “This shop has been my dream since I was a shithead kid, hanging around Blinky Bill's, back on Holley St and it wouldn’t have been possible without Gabe. Where are ya, mate?" I turned to see him make his way over, to jump nimbly up beside us. "We've spent a bloody long time building up our reputation, with you kind folks' support, but here we are. We couldn't do it without you and a couple of special ladies. Ash, Tess, come on up."

  I started to say no when the crowd took on a mind of its own. A million arms virtually picked me up and swept me forward, so I ended up breathless, standing in front of Gabe's feet. A broad hand reached down for me.
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  "No, no, no," I said, "I'm fine down here."

  "C'mon Ash, don't you trust me?"

  "It's not you I don't trust it’s . . . ulp!" I was jerked up on the bench, forced to try and find my balance. A strong arm wrapped around my waist to keep me from falling. I looked over to see Tess doing the same with Flea.

  "These guys took a chance on us, let us rip up and renovate half of their grandmother's shop to make Wizards of Ink. Not something most landlords would be happy to do. Without your support, this wouldn't have been possible."

  "It was nothing," I tried to say, but Flea had raised his glass and everyone was doing the same. A waitress handed me a shot, Gabe’s grip growing firm as I struggled to bend down and grab it.

  "To Wizards of Ink!"

  "TO WIZARDS OF INK!" the crowd roared back.

  I knocked back the shot, coughing as it went down. "You OK?" Gabe asked, watching my spluttering with concern.

  I burst out laughing, interspersing laughter with coughing. The shop, the people and standing on this bench, was all just nuts. "Anyone else feel like crowd surfing?"

  "Fuck, Ash!" Flea said in alarm

  "How many of those you had?" Gabe asked with a smile.

  "Not enough!"

  "Right, well, let's get you down. Waitress, get this lady another!" Flea shouted.

  The crowd was like a tide and I was swept out into it. I grabbed a drink on my way through, finally being spat out near the doorway of my side of the shop, stumbling almost into Gabe's arms. He stopped me from going any further by placing two hands on my shoulders, his mouth on mine in the next moment. He tasted of rum and Coke and cigarettes, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t get enough. I shoved my hands under his t-shirt, but he stopped me. "Ash," he said, "we’ve got to talk."

  "Oh, no we don’t, nothing good ever comes from that," I said, pulling away. The temporary bar was in this corner, so I swiped a bottle and lined up some more shots. "Jez, you want?"

  "Yeah, bitch. But Ash, this is not your usual MO. You're probably going to regret this tomorrow." I shrugged as she downed one, then the other then passed two over to Shane. I walked through the doorway into our side of the shop, suddenly glad for the dark, cool space.

  "Ash," Gabe said.

  "What, Gabe? What do we need to talk about? We have sex, great sex, really, really great sex. Why does there have to be anything else? I’m hustling every damn day, trying to keep this place afloat. We’ve sold half of my grandmother’s legacy, I’m really focused on not having to sell the rest of it."

  "So, that's why you've been avoiding our meeting."

  I turned around to see Mum standing there, bristling like an angry cat. "Oh, fuck," I said, dropping my shot glass on the table.

  "You, you are so intent on keeping me out of your life, you would look down the barrel of economic ruin and not even take a meeting with me?" Mum spat.

  "Mum–"

  "Do you have any idea how many businesses go under in the first year? I knew I should have put my foot down and insisted on selling this place, then given you the proceeds. It was Bill's bloody sentimentality–"

  "Mum!" I snapped. "Shut up for a moment and listen. We didn't tell you because I'm thirty, and Tess is twenty-eight. We're grown women, it’s our choice whether we decide to bankrupt ourselves or not. We knew you'd want to sell, your 'subtle' attempts at advice were received loud and clear by Nan. Even on her deathbed, you harped on about it what a money pit it was."

  "For this very reason! This is not the financial future I wanted for my daughters!"

  "It's not your decision!" I said. “It's mine and it’s Tess's, until such a point as we choose to include you!"

  "And what're your thoughts on this?" Mum asked, turning around to face Tess, who lurked in the background.

  "Why ask me? It's not like you'll listen," Tess said.

  "What? I always–"

  "No, you don't. You talk over and harangue and shout until we have no choice but to lie or go along with what you said, whether we want to or not."

  "You, of all people, are telling me off for taking control of your life? Of course, I do, someone has to. You let everything happen to you, Tess. You almost didn’t finish your degree, you let that thoroughly vile boy stay around long after his ‘use by’ date, now you’re jumping into bed with your own tenant! When will you start being proactive rather than reactive?"

  "Like you?" she asked with a sneer. "I'm surprised you don't run a credit check on the waiters that serve you in restaurants, or the shop girls who sell you dresses. If it can't be evaluated through a cost-benefit analysis, what's the point?"

  "Mum, Tess–" I started.

  "Oh, don't you start!" Mum said. "You think I don't realise what you do? Always the buffer between me and my own child!"

  "Hey!" I said.

  “It's true," Tess said. “You're my self-appointed meat shield, whether I wanted one or not. Can't let Tess get in trouble with Mum. Can't let Tess make her own decisions."

  “Girls,” Dad said, appearing in the doorway, "you're making a scene."

  "They're making a hash of things, that's what they are doing!" Mum said. "Did you know what bad shape the business was in?"

  "I knew it wasn't doing so great, but Cecelia, it’s their inheritance. You can't control every aspect of their lives."

  “I won't have them beggar themselves trying to preserve your bloody mother's memory!"

  "It's not your decision."

  "They will face financial ruin!"

  "It's not your decision, and if you truly want them to be financially successful, you'd do well to stop shrieking about their businesses woes at the launch of what you described as their best asset."

  "Is that what you really think?" I asked Tess.

  "You're always putting words in my mouth," she said, staring angrily at the floor.

  Fuck. My mind instantly conjured up a veritable smorgasbord of times I'd jumped in to help my sister. Claiming they were my cigarettes, not hers when we were teenagers. Handing Mum my report with a failing grade in Maths when Tess broke up with her high school sweetheart, Trent, who also happened to be Mum’s best friend’s son. Saying I smashed the window while waving branches around like magic wands and telling Mum I'd cut the hair off all of her dolls. I'd been scolded and yelled at and even copped smacks on the arse. All to protect my little sister.

  Mum had been damn scary, even when we were little. One day, when I was about eight, I'd walked into the bathroom after playing outside. Mum had shouted, “Clean your hands before you come and get your lunch!” I'd climbed the stairs, then opened the door to see Tess sitting half-naked on the bathroom floor. Tears ran down her face, her eyes swollen and red and thin lines of clear snot ran from her nose. She had a bar of soap in one hand and her new blue dress in other.

  "What's the matter?" I asked, unable to put two and two together. She'd just wailed and held the sodden dress out to me. Once it was in my hands, I could see the big purple stain on the front. It looked like she'd gotten paint or crayon on it. She'd obviously been trying to clean it, the pretty white trim at the hem had partially ripped off due to her scrubbing, and the purple had not moved a bit.

  "Ashley!" Mum called.

  "In a minute! Just having a shower!" I called back. “C’mon," I'd said, tugging off the rest of Tess's clothes. Mum hated mess and snot more than anything and would lose it if she saw Tess. I made sure the water was at a reasonable temperature and then shoved her in, helping her to scrub the purple off of her fingers and clean her face.

  “What’s going on?” We both jumped as Mum stood inside the bathroom door, a darkened shape.

  “Tess got dirty.”

  “How did she get dirty? What’s this! This is your new dress! You were supposed to wear this to the luncheon on Sunday with the Phillips! Look at the hem!”

  I looked from Mum, standing there holding the sodden dress, to Tess, who cowered under the warm water.

  “I did it,” I said, not believing the words that
were coming out of my mouth. I was going to get in so much trouble. The Phillips were Dad’s bosses at this point and we had been told over and over how important they were to Dad’s career. Daddy needed to impress them to move up the ladder, Mum had said.

  “You what?” Mum’s voice was a low growl.

  “I spilt paint on Tess’s dress. I’m sorry, Mummy.”

  “Go to your room right now! I cannot believe your carelessness! You can stay there until your father gets home and explain to him what you’ve done to this family and you will stay home on Sunday. I expect more from you by now, Ashley!”

  I was marched off to my room where Mum kept lecturing me. She ranted on and on about all the different ways I’d betrayed the family. Her face was so different, bright red and her lips pulled back from her teeth, like an angry dog's. I was only a kid, I couldn’t make sense of much of it, but I knew was making mistakes was unforgivable and could jeopardise the whole family. Tess was left in the shower unsupervised until the water went cold, then she got out on her own.

  For a while afterwards, I tried to avoid making mistakes ever, to try and stop this angry, foreign creature from replacing my mother, but it didn’t take long for me to realise this was impossible. This person was an inextricable part of her.

  It took some time, but a weird kind of freedom came from this. I didn’t fear making mistakes, I was always making them, whether I realised it or not and Mum would quickly point them out if I didn’t. She’d get angry, but she was angry so often it became my norm. I didn’t enjoy it, but it wasn’t so scary because it was normal. Dad was my buffer, my port in a storm and when he was home, he would step in to stop her rages, but he was at work for long hours, trying to support the three of us. More often than not it was me and Tess and Mum.

  Tess never felt the same way about Mum, she was always scared or upset when Mum told her off. She took Mum’s many comments about her mistakes to heart and grew more careful and more anxious, when being careful didn’t stop the outbursts. I didn’t understand it at the time, I just knew my sister was unhappy. I started taking the blame for everything because it didn’t hurt me like it hurt Tess. I watched Tess grow happier and more confident when the harsh spotlight of Mum’s attention shifted away from her.