Not My Fantasy

by Sam Hall

  “I’m listening to all of you. Just because I’m telling you—“ A knock came at the bedroom door. Everyone froze, but I moved smoothly into action. I jammed the pistols into my waistband and took up position behind the door, gesturing for Natty to open it on my signal. I didn’t want Tess there, too easy for them to grab her and go. His eyes went wide and his ears laid flat against his skull, but he went to the door, putting his hand on the doorknob. Another louder knock came and I nodded. He turned the doorknob.

  “Come in; the ladies are just getting ready.”

  “Not sure that’s needed,” one drawled, sauntering into the room, “with what the prince has in store for them.” The other came in after him, Natty closing the door behind him. The furries’ eyes then settled on all the crap in the room. I moved swiftly, throwing my legs around those of the closest wolf, performing a full body throw, wrapping them around his and dropping him to the floor with my body weight, rolling forward as he lay there stunned, whipping the gun out and putting a bullet in his brain, his body going instantly limp. His comrade blinked for a moment disbelievingly, which was enough time for me to get to my feet and put one in his as well. Blood and brain matter sprayed across the wall and several artefacts, hopefully, they weren’t essential to the mission. The others stood around, hands over their mouths in customary expressions of shock. I had to revise my plan slightly; these were, apparently not experienced killers. They might desire to see their enemies die in that little corner of their hearts, but in reality, that desire to protect the sanctity of life was going to trump that any day. This was a different kind of mission, a one-man rescue against a large hostile force. It was a challenge, but if I was all they had, I had to make sure it was enough.

  “We don’t have much time. They were here to take us to the prince’s room and more will return if we don’t make it. We need to get on the move, ASAP,” I said.

  “We can’t go until Gabe is better!” Tess said, her voice shrill.

  “OK, so what do we have here? What might work?”

  “I don’t fucking know! There’re mystical objects out the wazoo here, but is this the eye of Sauron or the healing stone of Camelot? It could be a dragon’s paperweight for all I know. This was not the plan! Most of this wasn’t even in the books I read last night and if they were, I don’t recognise them. Nothing comes with labels or instructions. I just need to know what they do!”

  I felt a strange swirling sensation that swept up from my toes before flooding my whole body. It was a little like standing up too fast. The cigar disappeared from my lips and when I reached out to pick up one of the wands lying on the floor; I noticed I was now dressed in a flowing gown that looked like it had been spun from moonlight and stars. “This here be the wand of Obin, the great grey wizard of the Northern Marches. His strength ‘twas in his explosive spells, he could conjure walls of flame, great gouts of lightning—”

  “But no healing spells?” she said and I shook my head. She snatched the wand from me and jammed it in her back pocket. Wouldn’t be the place I’d put such a powerful weapon, but she weren’t askin’ me for such advice, so I weren’t telling her. “What about this?” She held out a large yellow stone.

  “That be the eye of a snowcat from the twin realms. Good for a healin' a bad case of frostbite but not much else.”

  “This?” I was handed a great red crystal that glittered in the low light.

  “Pure ruby, from what I can tell. Worth a lot, 'specially to dragons, but no mystical import to my knowledge.”

  “This?” she thrust a stoppered jug in my face. I squinted, peering at the label that looked like it had been written in Cerenese.

  “Made for stiffening your stalk, if you ken my meaning.”

  “What? Oh, God, no.” She put it down and went to pick up another.

  “What are you lookin' for, girlie? A healin' potion or the like?”

  “Yes, something to help Gabe. He’s been unconscious for days and we need him healed and ready to help fight our way out of here, now. We have half the arcane objects of the known fictional universes. Is there anything here that will help him, please?”

  “And what will you be givin' me in return, girlie?” I asked with a smile.

  “You really, really want him to be better. Nothing could be more important to you right now,” Tess said.

  I went to the largest pile, tossin' items behind me. It had to be here, somewhere. “Crown of Elfsbane, the Staff of Igrebin, tiger’s eye, potion of longevity . . . where is the damned thing? It must be here,” I said. I could feel it as soon as the words were out of the lass’s mouth, a pull, deep in my chest, calling me. I shifted blades as sharp as razors and cuirasses, maces and spiked whips to one side until there, under all of the kit and caboodle was the simplest of items. ‘Twas a small golden cup, lookin’ a little beaten and worn around the edges, but as my hand closed around its stem, I knew it ‘twas what I was lookin' for.

  Tess’s eyes went wide, “Is that the . . .?”

  “Grael? Of course it is, you dozy bint. Filled with the blood of the Horned God. This’ll put your man to rights.”

  “Do you mean the Holy Grail? And isn’t it the blood of Christ?”

  “Don’t know who this Christ is when he’s at home, but this was carved from the horns of Cernunnos hisself. Now, get him up, that’s right.” The girl and her fella propped the limp body of the other bloke, forcing open his mouth to allow me to pour the blood in. ‘Twas a damned waste of a fine figure of a man, whoever did this to him. The relief that I felt as the damage to his body was reversed was somethin’ I’d felt many times before, the bruises disappearing like raindrops on hot soil. There was nothin’ like that bone-deep satisfaction that comes from helpin’ others. I smiled when he gasped, the great tawny man, his eyes blinkin’ open, takin’ some time to register what he see and when they did, they fixed on me.

  “Are you OK? Gabe? Can you hear me?” Tess asked.

  “Of course, I bloody can. How the fuck did I get here? Where are those . . .?” His voice trailed off as his jaw locked tight. I frowned, wondering if he was addled. I took a step forward, the cup in hand, but he just blinked and looked at me more closely. “Why is Ash dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West? Does she have. . . , are those bird skulls in her hair?”

  “It’s OK,” Tess said. “I just need to know you’re OK and I’ll turn her back.”

  “Turn her?”

  Tess turned to me, “If you go back to being GI Jane, will I still be able to use the Grail to heal people if they need it?”

  “Yes, yes, he’s kind with his favours, is our Lord, but–”

  “I need you to be back in the form you were in before and remember, you’re my sister,” Tess said, looking hard at me. I felt the swirl again, looking down at my feet to see the gauzy fabric there begin to steam.

  “Not yet with the sister part. We need her to have her eye on the prize and right now, Gabe’s a distraction,” Flea said

  “OK, just in your previous form,” Tess said.

  I blew out a plume of cigar smoke and blew it in her face, “Got it. So the last HVT is operational? You able to hold a gun, mate?”

  “What the fuck just happened? What . . .?” Gabe’s arms went limp at his sides, his head swivelling from one side to the next. Obviously, he’d experienced some sort of trauma and miraculously healing from it was screwing with his cognition. I’d seen every kind of struggle to adjust known to man: the disbelief, anger, negotiating and grieving, but I didn’t have time for this. The hostiles had to be on their way and I’d just punched a hole in one of their walls.

  “Get it together,” I said with a growl, stepping up until I was toe to toe with the guy. “These furry fucks are coming to rape the girl here and use the rest of you for roast dinner. You want out of here? Get home to your girl? Smell the taste of freedom? Well, then I need you to harden the fuck up and grab a gun or get out of the way of the rest of us. What I need to know right now is, are you an asset or a liability?�
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  “You wanna kill these fucks?” Gabe asked, looking me straight in the eye. I nodded. “Well, consider me on board.” He looked over at the weapons arrayed around the room. I watched him pick up an assault rifle and several pistols, shoving boxes of ammo into his pockets and saw he had a good eye. He strapped on a ballistic vest which wasn’t going to do much against the bladed weapons I saw on the bodies on the floor, but sometimes people needed the psychological reassurance. I knew that irrespective of what was going on before, he was an asset. The other man, Flea, was helping the deer-thing they called Natty and the woman gear up. I nodded my head, I needed a babysitter and it looked like he was a neat fit.

  “There’s gonna be another wave of men come down here any minute, with every chance it’ll be a bigger group.” I grabbed a half-burnt stick from the fire grate and started sketching on a nearby wall. “So, we have a rectangular formation on this floor, hallways here and here?” Tess came over and nodded.

  “And the central stairs are here. They lead down into the main foyer. Out here is the courtyard, with barracks either side, as well as other servants, footman,” Natty said.

  “What proportion would be proficient with weapons?” I asked.

  “Hard to say. We never saw many other than the officers. He said he had a battalion come with him into exile,” said Tess.

  “So, about three hundred men,” I said. "Right, we need explosives, whatever you can carry, get it and now. We need gear that’s going to wipe out large swathes of the hostiles and make it easier for us to pick off the rest. If we can lob something sizeable into the barracks, we can take out a goodly number of blokes on R’n’R. That’s less left to attack us.”

  “The big issue is here,” Flea said, drawing in the compound perimeter and grounds. He sketched a processional way between the courtyard and the gate. “We get through this gate, we can go through the portal and be back in town in a matter of seconds, but it’s getting there.”

  “We have to hold off whoever’s left from here,” Gabe’s finger stabbed the outline of the citadel, “while travelling backwards to here,” he tapped the gate. “A hail of gunfire isn’t going to be enough to hold them back if they are keen. We need something big, really big to make a safe retreat.”

  “I’ve got an idea of what that might be,” Tess said. She turned to me, “Show me which of the magical things here can be used to create explosions.”

  “Of course, lass. Now, this here be the staff of the witch queen of Bathinogen . . .”

  I pointed out pieces to the little slip until she was fair groanin’ with mystical weapons. I’d intended to send her out without the words that would make them in any way useful, just as a laugh, but she caught me fair and square, forcin’ the answers from me with her weird twist of magic. Before I could use me powers to wriggle into her brain, real quiet like, and work out the way of it, she stood straight and frowned, “Back to your previous form.”

  “So, are we ready? You got a diversion to get us safe to the gate, princess?” I asked.

  “Princess? Really? I—”

  “They’re coming!” Natty snapped from his position by the door. One long ear was swivelling above his head. “Sounds like seven of them just rounding the corner to come down the hallway.”

  “Right,” I grabbed several rifles from the wall, tossing them to Natty and Tess as I went to the door. “I’m going to lob some grenades first; then I want Flea and Gabe with me. Short bursts from the rifles, take the rest out. Natty and Tess, get around the corner and get down.”

  “Ash . . .!” Tess cried.

  “Nope, it's go time. Let me do my job, you do yours,” I said. I swung the door open and sure enough, there was a group of the canine hostiles walking toward me. They took a while to notice me; they were not expecting trouble, paws weren’t on sword hilts. I pulled the pin on the grenade and lobbed it down the hall, making sure to keep the arc low, so as not to graze the high ceiling, now was not the time for Muppet arms. I caught a glimpse of their looks of surprise before jumping back through the doorway and slamming the door shut, holding it in place with my shoulder as–boom!–the explosion rocked the building, the windows rattling in their sills. “Go! Go! Go!” I shouted and jerked myself back out the door, rifle at my shoulder. I shot into the haze of dust and debris, short, sharp bursts of bullets to try and take out the stragglers. When Gabe took his place beside me, I risked a look over my shoulder to see Tess and Natty hanging about. “What the fuck? I told you to go!”

  “Soldiers coming up the stairs,” Natty said.

  “Well, fuck,” I snapped. “Flea, Gabe, see if there’s anyone left. Toss another grenade and get back into the room if anyone else decides to join the party. You two, stay down here,” I pointed at the ground near the corner. I ducked my head around and sure enough, about ten men were making their way up the stairs to my floor, this time swords drawn. “Take this, cunts,” I muttered, tossing an explosive at the top of the stairs and another down into the stairwell itself. It wasn’t a great tactic, the area was too open and would let the blast diffuse, as well as possibly taking out the stairs we needed to use to get out of here, but I needed to send a message, don’t send any more people up here. I grabbed my rifle, looking down the scope and picked off a few guards who seemed determined to come forward, then ducked back to see how the others fared. “Got ‘em?” I asked.

  Flea nodded, “Not for long, though. Next floor is the prince’s and he’s gotta have more guards coming down. With the noise we’ve made, it’s time to leg it.”

  “Right,” I looked back around the corner and it seemed my strategy had worked. “Let’s get down those stairs. Everyone got grenades?”

  “We don’t,” Tess said, pointing to herself and Natty.

  “Plan is get down there then use enough of these to try and scare off the hostiles and create enough chaos with the non-combatants to make it difficult for the true believers to be effective,” I said.

  “But there’s innocents down there, people who haven’t hurt anyone,” Tess said.

  “Some of them cooked Knox’s body for dinner,” Flea said.

  “We can get out of here, or we can protect all of the staff, but we can’t do both, so work out what you want, princess, because time's a ticking.”

  She looked at me, big blue eyes starting to glisten a little as she stared, her head shaking slightly. Fuck! I looked away. I hated it when women cried. By the time I glanced up, she had pulled herself together somewhat. “I just have to remind myself that this isn’t really you,” she said.

  “Dunno who you think I am, but we don’t have time for deep and meaningful’s right now. We need to move before all the other little furry fuckers come weaselling out of the woodwork.” I didn’t wait for a response, taking point, stepping over the bodies of the guards as we approached the stairs. While one side of the staircase had been severely damaged, it was such a grand, wide thing that it looked like there was still plenty of room for us to make our way down. “I’ll take the left, Gabe, you on the right. Flea, you keep an eye on the rear. We good?” I asked. The boys nodded and off we went.

  I expected to have to gun down some wide-eyed bunnies who’d come blundering over to see what all the noise was about. Civilians, they were like sheep, kept safe and compliant by the big, bad sheepdogs. I was surprised to walk into the big foyer that flared out at the base of the stairs, spreading out to run the width of the grand manor house. There were a few dead or unconscious furries–some guards, some staff by the look of the discarded baskets of food and dropped cleaning rags. I jerked my head to Flea, trying to get the civvies moving before they fell to pieces, sobbing for the poor, benighted, furry cunts. He seemed to get the message, gesturing to the big front door, placing a hand on Tess’s shoulder to encourage her to move where he wanted her. Yep, total babysitter material. I nodded to Gabe and we moved forward, eyes on the doors that led into the rest of the ground floor. It turned out I had good reason.

  The doors to the right si
de of the foyer opened and guards poured through, swords in hand, led, of course, by fucking Mellors. His eyes went wide, then narrowed down to slits when he saw me, stopping in his tracks, forcing the rest to mill around his back restively. “It’s you? You’ve been creating all this commotion? I thought your family had staged some sort of rescue. What the hell do you think you’re going to do? There’s only five of you and hundreds of us?” His lips curled back in a snarl.

  “Five of us? You’re discounting my mate here, the Austeyer F88,” I said, holding up the rifle. “A semi-automatic assault rifle, capable of fully automatic fire; in the space of five seconds, I can put thirty bullets into you.”

  “Bullets?” he visibly blinked. “Whatever they are, they would be no match for a hand-crafted Scathian steel blade, laminated over 16 times–” I brought the rifle up, looked down the sight and squeezed the trigger. Blam! Bullets hit the blade, jerking it from his paw, leaving it to clatter to the ground, though the blade was barely scratched. He bent down to pick it up, jaw locked tight, but I sent out a short spray of bullets, forcing him to jump back. I could hear the growl form in his chest before he roared at his troops. “Take these idiots out, but don’t kill the females. The prince wants that pleasure.”

  Through the sight I watched him turn and head back through the door. I tracked the back of his head, easily able to put a bullet through it and blow his brains to smithereens. I was tempted, my finger itched to do it, but taking someone out when their back was to you, that was a sniper kind of cool and I was no sniper. I preferred the heat of battle and I was just about to get it. The guards looked a little lost, not sure what to do now they faced an actual armed opponent. “Now!” Mellor's order came from the other room and they began to stumble forward.

  Coming towards me with a raised weapon? All bets were off now. I started to shoot, taking out the first few guards in a blaze of bullets, blood and fur. That disconcerted some of the others, they looked at each other, obviously not having trained for this. Others squared their shoulders, figuring Mellors was more of a threat than we were and rushed towards us in a charge. “Backs against the main door!” I shouted. “Can we secure it?”