I finally let our lips reluctantly part, but I held her to me, my forehead resting on hers. I liked the breathless pant she had worked up, her chest rising and falling rapidly.
“You look smug,” she rolled her eyes and I grinned. I was. I liked that I had this effect on her and wondered if she responded to anyone else like this. She had never been in a relationship before, but she was no stranger to being intimate with men. My body would have exploded under her lips if that were possible. Her kiss moved me like no others, in fact kissing had never played a major part in my life. The women I had been with previously seemed more interested in achieving one thing and a kiss on the lips didn’t really get them there. Kissing was intimate anyway, not something I really wanted to share before Ella. Selena’s kisses had been more a chastising sharp lipped sting to the brow or cheek, never anything passionate like what I just shared with Ella.
“You move me like no other,” I found myself whispering. It was Ella’s turn to look smug as she pulled away and searched my eyes, no doubt confirming the truth of my words.
“Well, that was my first kiss, so I have nothing to compare it to.” Her words almost made me topple over with shock. Her first kiss? But she had been with guys before, how in the hell had she got to twenty-two without a kiss? I couldn’t find a single word to ask her how, so I just stared at her like the curious treasure she was. She squirmed under my scrutiny, bashful eyes darting away from my questioning gaze.
“How?” I finally stammered.
Ella shrugged. “I just haven’t done that before. It always seemed…” She was lost for words.
“Too intimate?” I suggested. Her face lit up, bingo!
“The boys I were with, and they were just boys, seventeen or eighteen, were only interested in one thing and never stayed the night, never cuddled, never kissed. It was actually more my rule then there’s, but they certainly didn’t object.” She looked nervous. “I guess that makes me kind of a whore,” she said reluctantly. Her words stung worse than a bitch slap.
“Fuck Ella, don’t say things like that. You are not a whore, were not a whore. You were trying to survive, trying to escape a shitty life and you did what you had to do. You were looking for the love and attention you weren’t getting at home. You were a confused teenage girl, not a whore and if I hear you say it again I will wash your mouth out with soap.” She looked at me with those magical brown eyes then burst out laughing.
“My dad threatened to wash my mouth with soap when I called my mom a bitch, I was ten.” She continued to laugh and it made me smile. “She was a bitch,” she finally sighed. I climbed back onto the couch beside her, my hard-on still a force of nature in my jeans, but I somehow managed to ignore it, dragging a pillow across my lap and encouraging Ella to snuggle closer.
“I’ve never met her, but I have to agree with you angel.” There was no hesitation as she nuzzled in closer. As her breathing grew steady I thought she had maybe slipped into sleep.
“It’s not forgiveness you need Jax, you just need to let your past go. Now is what matters,” she whispered on a yawn, her words so low I barely caught them.
“Maybe we both need to let our pasts go.” I murmured back. Ella yawned and I lay back letting her nestle further into my side, her head in the crook of my arm. She didn’t answer me and I thought maybe she had gone off to sleep. I pressed a chaste kiss to the top of her head.
“I think you’re right,” her words a final caress to my ears before she slipped into sleep. I didn’t move as I lay there, listening to Ella’s breathing even out to long, deep contented breaths of unconsciousness. Was it that easy though, just letting go? Memories just didn’t disappear. Forcing my eyes shut, my thoughts were laced with blood, too much blood, like a lake pooling around her pale lifeless body. Fuck I hated the vision of Sarah in that moment. If only I could let it go, if only I could wrap the present around me and forget the rest, then maybe the blood would disappear. Ella murmured in her sleep, shifting restlessly. My arm had long gone to sleep but I didn’t dare try to move her. A rabid dog could chew the fucking thing off and as long as it didn’t disturb Ella I wouldn’t care. I pulled her closer to my chest, wanting to be closer to her, skin on skin, hell I’d crawl under her skin if it were possible. Her hair fell through my fingers like water, it was beautiful, she was beautiful. I was freely able to admit I would likely never get enough of this woman and I was okay with that. This little angel had run long and hard now it was time for her to settle down and have the future and dreams that every young woman deserved. Damn I was tired, bone tired. Too many years fighting, fighting for my country, fighting for my mom, fighting for strangers, a life filled with too much regret which I knew I shouldn’t feel, because at the end of the day, it brought me to Ella. The same could be said for her. If her dad hadn’t of died, if her mother hadn’t of been a bitch, if Marcus hadn’t of come into her life, she wouldn’t be here now, but I could never be grateful for the circumstances that had brought her to me. If I could give her back her dad I would, if I could give her back the life she had lost, I would, even at the cost of losing her. I ran a calloused hand down my face and stifled a groan. I needed a few shots of whiskey to drown my thoughts. I should get up and go home but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the warmth of her body. The sofa was too small or more likely I was too big, my legs hung over the end awkwardly, my arm was dead, my neck at a painful angle and with Ella now draped pretty much over the top of me I had never been more comfortable in my life. I let my eyes fall closed and for just a minute, maybe a few minutes, I would enjoy the present.
Chapter 20
Ella
The sound of muffled whispers woke me, Eli’s doleful attempt to be quiet was . I didn’t expect them to tiptoe around me, even though it was too early to be up on a Sunday. Annie had an early shift at the diner and as soon as Eli heard his mother’s footsteps, he was wide awake and alert. After only a week we had settled into a comfortable household routine. The tranquil morning activities going on around me might have had a familiar feel about them, but the warm hard body pressed at my back was completely foreign. I knew immediately who it was, but it still shocked the hell out of me and my eyes sprang open in alarm. I glanced over my shoulder to be sure and found a beautiful pair of steel grey eyes staring back at me.
“Morning angel,” he whispered, a smile tugging at his lips. Hell he looked gorgeous all sleep ruffled and messy.
“Hi,” I managed, my eyes once again drifting to his lips, remembering the earth shattering kiss from last night. He smiled that far too smug grin that I was coming to know well. His eyes drifted to my lips and in a sharp contradiction to the ever confident Jax, I blushed.
“Hi!” Eli’s happy little voice came from beside the couch. Jax reached over and tousled his hair.
“What did you make me for breakfast little man?” Jax asked and just like that any awkwardness vanished.
“Eli, I told you to keep it down,” hissed Annie.
“Don’t be silly Annie, we’re sleeping in his living room!” I mumbled as I slid off the couch. I was not a morning person, I had never been a morning person and no amount of drop dead gorgeous man waking beside me would change that.
“What happened to your wrist?” Eli asked. All three adults in the room suddenly became motionless, stunned into an uneasy silence. My sleeve had slipped up, revealing the deep ugly scar across my wrist. Annie looked at me curiously, no doubt wondering what sort of an unstable woman she had sleeping on her couch and looking after her son. Eli’s eyes were full of innocent curiosity and Jax, well I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.
“I….” I was lost for words. I couldn’t even begin to explain my scars to a six year old.
“It was an accident Eli,” Jax grabbed my wrist, raising it to his mouth and placing a quick chaste kiss to my scar. “A terrible accident a long time ago, but Ella is fine now.” Eli seemed more than content with that explanation but Annie’s look told me she would be asking questions later. Anni
e and I hadn’t told our stories yet, though if we were going to be living together, with me looking after her son from time to time, I think our demons needed to be laid on the table for both to see, no lies, no secrets. Honesty was an important part in building trust.
“Okay, I have to get going or I’ll miss my bus.” Annie wiped her hands on a tea towel as she put a bowel of hot porridge at the breakfast bar for Eli.
“Let me give you a lift Annie, I’ve got to go down town and pick up some supplies for Mercy’s, I’m supposed to be down there at seven, I’ll have enough time to drop you to the diner.” I could see the relief in Annie’s face, the bus sucked. It was warm, but it was often late and standing in the freezing cold by the side of the road waiting was a bitch made ten times worse if it started snowing.
“Are you sure?” Jax stood up, stretching and his hands almost brushed the ceiling. Damn he was huge.
“Absolutely, go grab your coat.” Annie disappeared down the hall and Jax pulled on his own coat stuffing his skull cap in his pocket. I couldn’t believe how sexy he was, his body was like a finely carved marble sculpture, his face crafted to perfection and he wanted me. Little, frightened, mutilated, me. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around that. Was the man crazy? He leaned forward and pressed his warm lips to mine. I immediately accepted the kiss, reaching to drag him forward, needing the safety and heat of his body. Jax pulled away though, his cheeks slightly flushed.
“Angel, if you keep kissing me like that I’ll never be able to leave,” he breathed in my ear. It gave me a small thrill to think I could affect him in that way.
“Eli, be good for Ella. If you play up she will ring me and then you’ll have a real nasty auto robot on your case.” Eli spluttered his porridge everywhere as he laughed at his mother.
“It’s autobot mom, not auto robot!”
“Or maybe Ella can just call me and I can take you back to Mercy’s to do some laundry. I know how much you love that.” Jax tickled Eli mercilessly before opening the door for Annie. Eli groaned at the thought of laundry. Jax glanced back in my direction.
“I’m sorry I have to run so early, but I promise to make it up to you,” he winked. “Got your phone?” I looked about for the infernal device that was quickly coming to rule my life. I finally found it under a cushion by the couch and I waved it in the air like a miraculous discovery. Jax chuckled as he left the apartment and Eli looked over his spoon at me.
“What are we going to do today?” He asked. Looking after a six year old was still very new to me. I had no idea what I enjoyed as a kid, probably drawing. I thought for a moment as I cleaned up the kitchen.
“How about we go to the library?” I suggested. Apparently that was like the best idea in the world and as I watched Eli jump around the room like a little popping bean I felt a small resemblance to the before Ella. The carefree Ella who loved to sing out loud, dance in the rain and smile like there was nothing in this world to fear. Before Ella had been far too naïve.
I didn’t see Jax again that day, or the next. He was tied up with Mercy’s and Carter Constructions but he sent me plenty of text messages confirming his thoughts were never far from me. Some of the messages made me laugh, some made me blush and some made me down right lustful.
“My vagina flowers came in,” Rebecca sang from the front door, taking a bucket of flowers from a young delivery guy who seemed both mortified and intrigued by her words. I simply stared at her.
“You buy flowers for your vagina?” I finally managed to ask. Rebecca gave me a scheming wink.
“You don’t think our vaginas are deserving of something special like flowers? In the wise words of Betty White, ‘those things take a pounding’. First your period and all the equipment that goes with that business, then sex which for the first time feels like you’re being split in half and then babies, god, child birth, that must be the death of our poor poonani.” Rebecca sighed and I must have looked mortified.
“Poonani?” I squealed.
“Snatch?” She offered instead. I shrugged and grinned at her playful mood.
“Pootang?” I suggested and Rebecca snorted.
“Pink lips?” I laughed loudly at that one and it was a while before I had enough control to talk again.
“Beaver?” I shrugged. Now it was Rebecca’s turn to laugh.
“Oh that’s an oldie but a goodie. I think my sister used to call them beavers when she was eleven. We need our own name for it. What about central loving station?” Tears rolled freely down my face as Rebecca looked at me with an appreciative smile.
“I like it.” I somehow managed to garble behind my shrieks of laughter.
“Me too, much better than coochie.” Rebecca said thoughtfully.
“And you bought flowers for your central loving station?” We both erupted into laugher again and neither one of us noticed the chime above the front door.
“Looks like you ladies are having way too much fun to be working,” Jax smirked from the doorway. Rebecca somehow found some composure and stared at him with a serious frown.
“Actually, it began as a very serious conversation about buying our vagina’s flowers and somehow turned into what I can only describe as blasphemy.”
“Oh, you’re going to have to explain yourselves now.” Jax’s look could only be described as enthusiastic.
“Rebecca bought flowers for her central loving station.” Jax looked at me and blinked, once, twice.
“Central loving station?” He asked.
“Poonani.” I explained and Jax nodded, caught somewhere between shock and amusement.
“Let’s get some things straight. I did not buy my central loving station flowers. Yes Jax, we just made that up, sounds much better than poonani or beaver, much more grand. And my vagina flowers came in, Clitoria Ternatea, see?” She held up a small potted plant with a beautiful array of blue flowers that did look suspiciously like our central loving stations.
“Okay, I may have overextended my desire to know about your central love station discussion. Please, feel free to leave me out.” Rebecca dusted off her hands and watched Jax with an appreciative eye. The unfamiliar sensation of jealousy rippled through my body and I squirmed uncomfortably. Rebecca was stunning, quirky, successful, confident, everything I wasn’t. Jax would have to be crazy not to be interested in someone like Rebecca.
“So, to what do we owe the pleasure Mr. Carter?” She asked in a purr that I knew was full of overt sexual interest. To my astonishment Jax barely acknowledged Rebecca, his gaze was fixed right on me. My heart thumped hard and fast as those hungry gray eyes held mine captive in a blatantly possessive manner.
“I was hoping to take my angel to lunch.” Rebecca turned slowly to look at me with eyes that screamed what the fuck? She smirked.
“Huh, as it stands, your angel is due for a break and I need a moment with my clitoria. You know, to take in her grand beauty and all.” I snorted, very unlady like, but I think in recent days I had proven the lady part of me had become a vague shadow that rarely came out to play.
“Off you go,” Rebecca pulled at the back of my apron, releasing the knot and pushing me towards Jax. “Go, enjoy, take your time. You haven’t had a break today, so take a long lunch.”
I gave Rebecca a suspicious frown. “You keep your hands off the clitoria. The mood you’re in you’re likely to make it wilt.” Jax tried in vain to muffle his surprised laugh and Rebecca smirked.
“You just leave me and my clitoria alone. I’ve been in the business long enough to know how to handle one.” Jax groaned.
“I think I need to clean out my ears. Or have a cold shower, maybe both.” I followed Jax laughing into the street, leaving Rebecca and her latest Bouquets addition to some quality alone time.
Chapter 21
Jax
Over the past week I had observed Ella emerge into a somewhat confident woman with a somewhat tranquil joy. There was still a guarded presence in her eyes and she became nervous around strangers, especially men
. I was pleased to note she would gravitate towards me in those situations, taking subtle steps into my body and accepting the simple safety of my arm around her shoulders. She was so tiny beside me and I liked that my size gave her comfort rather than fear. She had in a short time given me something invaluable, her trust. Tonight I was taking her into town, to the official lighting of the Claymont tree. The twenty foot Christmas tree was propped up every year in the center of town and laced with Christmas decorations and a week before Thanksgiving the lights were lit, accompanied with a live band, fireworks and food stalls. It had taken a shit load of sweet talking and negotiating to get Ella to agree to come with me. She was not fond of large crowds and she was more than a little reluctant to partake in anything to do with the holidays. I was dying to take her out somewhere public and show the world that she was mine. Perhaps it was a little Neanderthal of me, but I wanted everyone to know that Ella Munroe was with me. Hell, I might as well lift my leg and pee on her.
As I pulled on my coat, the heavy riff from Highway To Hell broke my possessive thoughts. I glanced at my phone and felt my heart drop when I noticed it was Dillon finally calling in with information on Marcus Fairmont. I had been both eager for this call and dreading it at the same time.
“Dillon, tell me good news,” I sighed, falling back into a chair.
“Hey man, how’s things?” Dillon sounded tired as shit.
“Hopefully better in a few minutes, did you find him?” Dillon grunted and I could hear the distant shuffle of papers. He was calling from his office. I could imagine him with his military text book buzz cut he couldn’t seem to leave behind, constantly worried brow and shit kicker boots no doubt kicked up on his desk. Montgomery Security was his business, he could put his feet on the desk if he wanted, but Dillon inside an office was an unusual combination. Dillon was made for the outdoors, his heart, soul and body created for action. His decision to take permanent leave when I did shocked the hell out of me. He said without me watching his six he was as good as dead. If the situation had been reversed, I would have felt the same. Dillon at your back in a sand filled cesspit full of untrained militants with itchy trigger fingers was about as safe as one could be.
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