Reflex

by Madelynne Ellis

  Somehow, she had to go home and forget about him. Forget about their late night chats and text conversations. Forget about how amazing he’d made her feel. Accept that he was hurting, and he didn’t want her around offering comfort and support. That last one stung most comprehensively of all.

  “I could help.”

  But she had to respect his wish. And she would.

  Once she had her phone – it currently sat locked in the hotel safe – she’d delete it all. Everything. Obliterate the whole of the last twelve months. Wipe it away as if it had meant nothing.

  “Goddammit, Spook! I really thought we had a chance.”

  It took a little while to pull herself together enough to muster the courage to seek out Ronnie. One of the roadies, a big guy with a shaved head, helpfully pointed her in the right direction.

  Black Halo, minus Spook, were hanging in a corner of the auditorium, parked around a table, Ronnie in the midst of them, chatting away as if he’d known them all since primary school. Her attempts to catch his eye from a distance comprehensively failed. To be fair, if their places were reversed, she wouldn’t have noticed him from across the room either. She’d have been Black Halo gaga.

  In the end, she was forced to approach the table.

  “Everything okay?” Ronnie asked, making space for her to sit beside him, having obviously misinterpreted her let’s leave, let’s leave right now, signals. She flashed him her best no, everything is a steaming pile of dog shit smile, and co-opted his drink. Ronnie watched her swallow without protest. He was a sweetie like that. He even offered her one of his strawberry laces. Once she’d finished, he slung an arm around her shoulder, and leaned in to her ear. “I guess Mr Mortensen wasn’t into the idea of shagging you bandy. Silly sod. You can’t pretend it’s really a surprise though. I’ve been talking to the guys, and Spook’s celibacy is totally legit.”

  “Don’t,” she mouthed back. It was too soon. Most of the band weren’t paying her any regard, but Xane’s attention was riveted upon her.

  “Can we get out of here?” She didn’t even mean back to the hotel, rather that they skipped town altogether, and headed straight for the airport, so she could go home to her bed, and her duvet, and vicious cuddles with Ewan’s savage cat, Malice, that he pretended was pronounced Malissa.

  “Suppose,” Ronnie remarked, pouting with his bottom lip. Obviously, he didn’t want to go. Who would? Mere mortals rarely got the chance to hang with Black Halo. Not that Ronnie was a nobody. Or rather, he was destined not to be one.

  “All right.” He relented. “But, I’ll have to go for a wazz first.”

  “Make it quick.”

  Ronnie extracted himself from his seat by climbing over the back of his chair and swaggered towards the Gents’.

  Lost without the comfort of his presence, Alle’s fake smile faded. Almost as instantly, Xane slid into the seat beside her.

  “It didn’t go so well,” he observed.

  Understatement of the century.

  “Don’t give up. He’s a mess right now, but he does want you.”

  “He really doesn’t. He just made that quite plain.”

  Xane sighed, and lifted his shades so that he could squeeze his eyes. They were tired, and curiously red-rimmed. “You really believe the bollocks coming out of his mouth at the minute? Did he tell you what happened?”

  She nodded. “Not the details though.”

  “The fuckwit posed as a security guard, led him away from that mob you were kind enough to warn us about. He got a bit roughed up as you can see. And very, very drunk afterwards. It’s not why he’s pushing you away though.”

  “Are you about to enlighten me?”

  Xane shook his head, though he did her the courtesy of sliding his sunglasses up onto his head, so that he was meeting her gaze while he did so. “It’s not my place. All I’m saying is that he’s carrying around an Everest-sized amount of baggage that he refuses to deal with, and that’s making him act like an idiot. Look, I promise you, no matter what he’s just said, he does care about you. Desire you. It’ll tear him to pieces if you walk away now.”

  “If I walk away? Xane, he practically pushed me out of the door.”

  “Because he’s running scared. Aren’t you a fighter?”

  Alle levelled a scowl at him. “Xane, I can’t. He pleaded. He asked me go. I actually think I should. I need to. This isn’t exactly easy.”

  Xane patted her shoulder, as he pushed himself back onto his feet. “At least hold tight long enough for me to talk to him.”

  “Xane, I don’t think… That’s probably not a good idea.”

  Regardless, he was intent on it.

  Both Ronnie and Spook appeared, from different directions, at approximately the same time. Xane met his friend some distance from the table, while Ronnie sidled up to her still shaking water from his hands. “Drier’s busted,” he muttered by way of explanation. “Do you still want to leave?”

  “Sit down.” He was blocking her view of Spook and Xane’s exchange. They were too far away to make out what they were saying, but it was clear from their body language that things were tense. Xane eventually strolled back to the table, clearly frustrated. Even from across the space, Alle had no trouble interpreting Spook’s expression as one of angry resignation.

  “Go talk.” Xane gave her an encouraging nudge in the right direction.

  “Does he want to?”

  Xane didn’t answer.

  “Go on, A,” Ronnie prompted. “Maybe flash him a tit. I defy him to resist you.”

  Alle huffed and rolled her eyes. Ronnie was good for her ego, even when he was making prick-like remarks. He blew her a good luck kiss when she glanced back at him. She was going to need it. Spook’s mouth sat squashed into a vexatious moue, and rehashing things was likely to make them both even more miserable than they already were.

  -16-

  Spook’s heart pounded in his ears so loudly as she walked towards him, he had to look down to ensure it hadn’t jumped out of his chest. Damn Xane and his meddling. “You want her. She wants you. Stop being a twat,” he’d said. As dressing downs went, it was one of the more succinct he’d endured.

  Was he being a twat? In all likelihood, yeah. Was it sensible to talk to her again? Probably not. It wasn’t as if their situation had altered any in the last few minutes.

  Or maybe it had.

  Certainly, watching her sail into the distance like a storm cloud had done a number on him. He’d felt zero relief, only maddening panic.

  He walked with her in silence to the band’s dressing room. Most of the equipment had been packed up and shipped out. Only the odd thing remained; Rock Giant’s jacket, Ash’s supply of sherbet lemons, a half-eaten banana. A ribbon of condoms sat on one of the counter tops. He swore it hadn’t been there earlier and had only materialised to taunt and scare the fucking shit out of him.

  How crazy was it that he started hyperventilating over the sight of a bit of wrapped latex?

  “I don’t know what Xane said to you—”Alle began “—but I didn’t ask him to. I was leaving, like we agreed. I was just waiting for Ronnie to get back from the loos.”

  “Ronnie?”

  “I told you about him last night. We’ve been working together.”

  “That’s him? The guy you’ve been in the studio with? Mister Extraordinary Arse?” His pulse started a dramatic tattoo, while his guts twisted. She’d come to Monte Carlo with Captain Bubble Butt? Shit! He rubbed at the vexing tingle in his nose.

  To his astonishment, Allegra rounded on him like he’d kicked a puppy. “Don’t you dare say a bad word against him.” Her finger waggled right in front of his nose. “He’s been a good friend to me. It’s only because of him that I managed to be here. Though I suppose in your book that’s a reason to dislike him, given you’d prefer I was anywhere else on Earth.”

  Not true. Actually, he craved her presence. Loved that she’d flown here to watch the gig and check up on him. “It’s good you hav
e a friend. Someone you can confide in.”

  “I don’t,” she cut him off. “He knows nothing about us. Obviously he’s figured out that I’m into you, but he doesn’t know that we’re… Whatever it is we were.”

  The explanation didn’t lessen the tang of jealousy sitting on his tongue. Any kind of resentfulness was ridiculous. He’d just told her it was over. Except, here they were staring at one another, and it wasn’t—it really wasn’t—over.

  Damn Xane and his fucking insistence on interfering.

  “I’m doing it for your own good,” he heard him say as if he was standing right by his shoulder. He ought never to have got drunk and said all those things. It was like feeding a troll.

  Alle sighed, and wrapped her arms around her body, as if a hug was what she needed most of all right now, and giving it to herself was the only option.

  Xane was right. He was a Class A prick.

  “What is it you want, Spook? What is it we have left to say to one another? I think I’ve made myself clear. So it’s up to you.”

  He did not like the frown lines that wrinkled up her brow, or the resigned set of her lips. As for what he wanted, well that, that was, “It’s complicated.”

  “I get that. But try. Please. I want to understand. I can see that this is difficult for you, and I’m not saying tell me everything, but give me something.”

  He sucked in a breath, which did nothing to ease the shakes already wracking his limbs. “I’m not celibate on a whim, or to compensate for the fact I can’t pull, or because I’m spectacularly awful in bed. I’m not gay, or impotent.” All things he’d been accused of multiple times by multiple people. “Nor am I confused about my sexuality or my gender. It’s not a joke, even though the media, and pretty much everyone else likes to make it one. It’s a decision I made for a reason, Alle. A host of reasons. I don’t really want to change that.”

  He stopped and shook his head. “I want you. I’m incredibly attracted to you. Leastways, part of me is. The other part would really rather not get embroiled in a relationship ever again. So, I find it very difficult being around you. Every second we’re together, it’s like I’ve meat hooks through me and I’m being pulled in two directions.”

  Maybe that was an overly visceral description. He made the mistake of looking at her. The green of her eyes was so bright, so vivid, so brim full of emotions. “Why?” she asked. “You said there were reasons for being celibate. What reasons?”

  A whole raft of voices started screaming inside his head all at once.

  “Because he’s a fucking monster.”

  “A pervert. A thief.”

  “Corruptor.”

  “A violent, sick, and sadistic predator.”

  “Spook?”

  He shook his head.

  “You’re hyperventilating, and I can see you shaking from here.”

  God, he wasn’t, was he? It’d been years since he’d allowed himself to get this strung out. Of course, it’d also been years since he’d felt anything like the tug he felt towards her.

  “I don’t want to cause you distress. I should probably leave, like I said I would.”

  His hand shot out and grabbed hold of her wrist, like he had no damn control over it. “No.”

  Curiously, the contact silenced all the insane chatter inside his head.

  Alle peered at his fingers, folded around her wrist, and a rosy tint suffused her cheeks.

  Spook carefully opened his hand and released her, whereupon, she closed her eyes. He thought she was counting; as if to compose herself. “You weren’t hurting me, Spook. Are you afraid because you think you might?”

  “If we were together, I would.”

  That was probably the most honest thing he’d ever said to her.

  “Oh, Spook.” She touched the ends of his hair where they lay against his chest. “I know. I thought you understood that I want that too.”

  “Alle, you like being spanked. You get a kick out of being restrained, I get that. Neither of those things are that unusual, but—”

  “But,” she echoed.

  “But, that’s not… It’s not where it would end. I don’t want to end up where it would end. That’s why it’s better if we don’t pursue this any further.”

  “Break it all off. Stop being friends. What harm can you do me from the other end of a phone line? We’ve spent months chatting, three, four, five times a week. Sometimes five times a day. I’ve not been damaged by that, nor by anything else we’ve ever done together. I’m a big girl, Spook. I’m capable of drawing lines and standing up for myself. Also, since you brought it up, I’m capable of basic self-control and respecting boundaries. Just because I want to jump your bones doesn’t mean I have to leap on you at every opportunity. We can keep things platonic, if you’re really set on remaining celibate.”

  He crooked his head to one side, listening, drawn in. If only he could believe in it. But no, he knew it was a fantasy. “It wouldn’t work.”

  “You don’t trust me?” she said.

  “Alle, I don’t trust myself. We could agree to such a thing in principle, but in practice, I think we both know that it wouldn’t last. Fuck, I’d be amazed if we lasted an hour. Neither of us would ever be able to relax. Every time we got close, you’d be thinking, ‘Maybe this will be the time he kisses me.’ And I’d be all ‘I so fucking want to, but I know it’s a bad move.’ You see that, don’t you?”

  She began to nod, but it turned into a shake. “Not really. I just can’t understand why, if you want me and I want you, that can’t be the be all and end all of it. What the hell is wrong with giving into that? You’re saying it’d go further than you whacking your hand against my arse, but what are we talking about exactly? Are you going to produce a riding crop, some paddles? Pull my hair? Drip hot wax over me? Do you want to push your cock so far down my throat it makes my eyes water?”

  Fuck! She really needed to shut up.

  “Pinch me with clothes pegs? Fill me with a dildo while you’re simultaneously fucking my arse? Do you want to make me crawl? Any of that? Because if it is, what the fuck are you worrying about? Bring it on.”

  “Alle,” he pleaded in warning.

  “Bring it on,” she mouthed.

  Spook dug his teeth hard into his already sore lip. It wasn’t necessarily the doing that worried him.

  “Pick something. Do it, Spook. I’ll still be here at the end of it, and I’ll still want you.”

  He saw his desire in all its terrifying beauty reflected in her inky pupils. He groaned; a deep, aching groan that sounded like it came directly from his balls. They needed to dial this back. Seriously. Why did she have to plant all those images? Fantasies they could spend a lifetime exploring. Except, he couldn’t, because after they’d had their fun, reality would seep in.

  “And when I do all that, and more, and still bolt afterwards?”

  “Then I’ll chase.” The words rolled off her tongue like they were the most obvious thing in the world.

  It was the truth of their relationship so far. Anyone else would surely have given up after all this time with so little in return. Everyone else had given up. Allegra Hutton was not the first woman who’d pursued him. Typically, they got the message, if not after the first rejection, then definitely after the second.

  Alle had been different from the beginning. From the moment she’d walked into that recording studio last year, his senses had been on high alert and his emotions in nuclear meltdown. “You’re fucking maddening, do you know that?”

  “I try.” She smirked, and leaned closer, angling her head so that there were only millimetres between them. Close enough that her hot breath dried the moisture on his lips. “Kiss me, Spook. That little taste you granted me earlier wasn’t nearly enough.”

  “You’re pushing.”

  “Yeah,” she said, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I know. I’m sorry. I ought to be more considerate.” Her fingers skimmed along his eyebrow, then across the scab on his lower lip, before e
xploring the bruises around his throat. “I want to kill the bastard responsible for this.” Her lips gently dusted against the darkest spot, where the guy’s thumb had been tucked under the ridge of his jawbone.

  Spook tensed, not out of repulsion, but from the instant ache in his balls. Dammit, that felt good. Fucking glorious, in fact. “Rock Giant already beat you to it,” he said between clenched teeth, while her feathered kisses progressed to the other bruises. “I’m told he broke a couple of ribs and left the git with bruised testicles.”

  “I hope he’s peeing blood for months,” she said savagely.

  A smile cracked his frown, though the tension in his body remained. They were left staring at one another. Alle’s index finger trailed along his collar bone. “What happened to your troll cross?”

  He glanced down, and realised it wasn’t there. “I don’t know.”

  Immediately, she reached for the thong securing hers. “Don’t.” He stayed her hand. “Keep it. I can get another. It was a gift.”

  “I need you to be safe.”

  He nodded. “I know.” He rubbed his thumb against her chin. “I’m not safe, Alle.”

  “I know. And I’m good with that. You’re not going to do anything I don’t want, and the same goes the other way around.”

  A little chuckle wormed its way free of his throat. “I thought I just told you I didn’t want this.”

  She fiddled with the ends of his hair, dancing the blond strands back and forth for a moment. “Was it the truth?” she asked at last, peeping cheekily up at him through her eyelashes. The twinkle of her pupils tied his heart into knots. “Do you really not want to do all those dirty things to me? Because I think you do.”

  Of course he fucking did. The hitch of his breath gave him away, prompting a victorious smile from her that in turn impelled him to cover her mouth.