by N. Alleman
I may act the confident and cocksure guy most of the time, but my guilt has always been there. He may have deserved something terrible to happen to him, but I didn’t have to be the one to mete out the punishment.
After what I did, I took off. I left town and made my way to the city, and I never went back to collect my fee.
Never saw my boss again. I just started over, and I thought that I’d succeeded in leaving my past behind me, until that fucker Ryder brought it up again.
I always wondered how the hell he found out, and I wonder who else knows.
I sit up so hard on the mattress that I hit my head on the wall. The dream always ends with me staring at the dead guy’s lifeless, destroyed face. The one that’s haunted me ever since that godforsaken night.
The clock says it’s ten past nine in the morning, which means I only got three hours of sleep again. I’m going to kill myself at this rate.
I stomp over into the kitchen, grab a bottle of vodka, and gulp it down.
Breakfast of champions.
My eyes feel like they’re made of sandpaper, but I won’t be able to get back to sleep until I drink myself to it, so that’s what I intend to do.
Welcome to my new life.
29
Daisy
“So, how long have you been single?” The man sitting across the dinner table is handsome in a classical way. He’s trying.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him.
Except that he’s not Jake.
“Umm…” That’s a hard question, and I don’t know how to answer it. “I guess since before my daughter was born.”
“Oh, you’re a mother?” He looks scared by this information, but it’s possible I’m imagining it.
“Yes, didn’t Karen tell you?”
My sister has been trying to set me up forever. This is the first date I agreed to. I did it partly to get her off my back, and partly because I suppose it really is time to start moving on.
After all, three years was a long time.
“Maybe, I can’t remember.”
Ray works with Karen at the PR firm—she’s already used her charisma to work her way up to being a manager there—and he’s all right in the generic every woman’s dream sort of way. But I find him kind of boring.
“So, do you like where you work?” I ask lamely, wanting to change the subject.
“Oh yes!” He launches into an animated speech about public relations, practically boring me to tears.
He must be a workaholic. Nothing wrong with a strong work ethic—after all, I have one myself—but that’s the only topic Ray has gotten excited about.
I may love my job as Ryder’s part-time PA, but I never get so thrilled talking about it.
What the hell was Karen thinking?
Actually, I know exactly what she was thinking—he’s the complete opposite of Jake, and that’s all she wants for me.
I don’t think she could cope seeing me fall apart so badly again.
A waiter approaches the table. “Either of you interested in looking at our dessert menu?”
Oh, God no.
“No, thank you. I need to be heading home.”
“Yeah?” Ray’s eyebrows shoot up. I thought he’d be more put out by my rejection, but it doesn’t seem like he’s into it either. “Okay, just the bill please.”
He throws his platinum card on the table to pay for our meal. I wonder if his obvious affluence is supposed to impress me.
It doesn’t. I’ve never been the type of girl to be impressed by money and material possessions.
To Ray’s credit, he behaves like a perfect gentleman as we leave the restaurant, pulling out my chair, helping me with my coat, and opening the door for me. I’m sure it’s lovely, I just find it a bit suffocating.
“Okay, well … goodnight.”
As I turn to face him to say goodbye, he lunges at me, kissing me hard and forcing his tongue in my mouth.
“Woah! Wait.” I push him off, thunderstruck. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I thought that we were going back to your place.”
“No, I’m going back to my place. Alone.”
“Oh, right.” His body language becomes cold, his tone sarcastic. “I see, you get a free meal out of me, and then you leave me with blue balls.”
His sudden change in personality completely throws me. Is he serious?
“You expected sex on the first date? What sort of women do you normally go out with?”
“The ones who give me what I’m owed.”
“Wow. To think, a minute ago, I thought you were a nice guy. You’re a pig.”
He doesn’t take this well. He pounces on me, pushing me against a wall.
“You think you’re so fucking hot that you can get away with this shit? You get all your meals that way?”
There’s no point in explaining to this guy that he’s the first date I’ve been on in years. His mind is already made up about me.
“Sluts like you make me sick,” he spits.
I struggle beneath him, but he’s stronger than I am.
“Get off me!” I say. “You’re disgusting.”
I’ve made a scene now, so he backs off before stalking away. My god, what a sleazy bastard!
As I walk home, I blink back tears. Tonight wasn’t supposed to go like this.
It was supposed to be the start of a bright, new future for me.
Yet here I am, still a mess, not wanting to admit that my love for Jake will always overshadow what anyone else can offer me.
Why do I still have to love a man who left me?
Eventually, I arrive home at my apartment, where I quickly relieve the babysitter. I’m friendly, but carefully avoid all of her questions about my date.
After she leaves, I do what I do every other night.
Sit by my daughter’s bed, watching her sleep, and admiring how much she looks like her father.
After a while, my eyes become heavy-lidded and I head to my bedroom. I can’t help but feel a little frustrated at how badly the night went.
I really wanted the date to go well—it is not like I expected to marry the guy, but I did want to have a pleasant evening. It’s the first step I’ve taken toward moving on, and it went so damn wrong.
I guess I’m just really disappointed. Karen has spent a lot of time trying to convince me that there are good guys out there, but she’s been proven wrong time and time again.
As my brain flickers in and out of sleep, I imagine myself in the same situation as I was on the date, but Ray has vanished and Jake is sitting in his place across the table.
“Hello, dirty girl.” He grins widely at me. “Missed me?”
I drink in his shaggy, unkempt appearance, annoyed that my heart leaps about ten feet into the air. He looks exactly as he did that night in the bar, the first night we met. He’s wearing the same hoodie, and he has the same stubble plastered across the lower half of his face.
Why does my body have to react so fiercely to him, even after all this time?
“Where the fuck have you been?” I snap. Even the imaginary version of myself is angry at him. It might be wonderful to see him again, but the hurt and anger are still there, swimming around inside of me.
“That doesn’t matter,” he teasingly replies, rubbing his palm along my cheek. “What matters is that I’m here now.”
“No, I…” I start to argue, but he leaps across the dining table, knocking our food to the floor before kissing me hard.
“Jake…” I try to protest, but he carries on.
Fiery passion sweeps through my body. I’ve missed this, missed him so much, and I can’t deny it any longer.
My fingers slide into my underwear while I continue this fantasy in my mind. I know it’s wrong, I know I should be moving on and masturbating over someone new, but the fact that it’s forbidden is what makes it so exciting.
Plunging a finger inside of myself, I begin to explore. I’m so wet already, dripping at the me
re thought of him. Then I push in another finger and another. I try to imitate the way that Jake touched me, to make it feel that much more realistic.
“Fuck me, Jake,” I beg, firmly back in my torrid fantasy world.
“In front of all these people?” he asks, laughing. It’s clear from his thick erection that he likes that idea.
He pulls me up onto the table, leaving my legs dangling down over the sides. Then he stands over me, watching me, running his fingers up my thighs. I feel powerless, like he could consume me at any given moment. But that’s what I want … for him to swallow me whole.
I gently rub over and around my clit with one hand, whilst stroking my breasts and nipples with the other. I gasp with pleasure, more turned on than I have been in a very long time.
Since the last time I saw him.
He pulls me closer to him, releasing his full, throbbing cock for me to see. I lean up onto my elbows to get a better look as he pushes my fancy dress aside and plunges inside me. I watch him move in and out slowly, teasing me over and over again. It’s like having a like porn film playing in front of me, except we’re the ones acting in it.
The waves of passion are already building, already pulsating. I have to bury my face in my pillow to stop myself from screaming out loud.
He fucks me hard, pulling me closer to him with every thrust. Then he bends down, ripping the top of my dress so he can wrap his lips around my nipple.
I concentrate on playing with my stiff nipples, pretending that his mouth is around them, sucking and licking. I’m focusing so hard on my imagination that it almost feels real.
“Fuck, dirty girl,” he mumbles, his breath cold against my flushed skin. “You feel better than I remember.”
He moves harder and faster, and all the while I’m losing control beneath him. The bliss is there already. It starts at my center and begins to spread all over my body until I’m encased in its warm, intoxicating glow.
“Oh, fuck, Jake, no one can make me come like you do!” I cry out as I crash and fall beneath him…
And then the image is gone, and I’m alone once more.
I sob at the memory of what we once were, what we could have been, of what we’ll never have again. I’ve been trying to push him to the back of my mind, to forget him and move on with the future, but this awful night has brought it all flooding back.
There will never be someone like him ever again, and that breaks my heart.
I weep for what will never be until I fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that my heart will never be whole again.
30
Jake
The day has come that I have to step into the cage, and I dread it.
After trying to get out of it several times, it’s become painfully obvious Ryder insists I fight.
Today it will happen, he told me with a gleeful smile while Rosa watched worriedly.
I will hurt someone. I will win.
Losing is not an option. Ryder’s placed a lot of bets on me.
My opponent has won every battle he’s been in. He’s a massive hunk of man, enormous and strong as an ox. How I’m supposed to win against him is a mystery, since he’s been known to beat his opponents to a bloody pulp.
I’m waiting for the fight to begin in one of the dingy lockers, my thoughts circling all the things I’ve come to cherish in this life.
They all have to do with Daisy.
The scent of her hair.
The way she yawns and stretches like a cat when she wakes up.
The sound she makes when my cock leaves her mouth with a pop.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the cock grow stiffer. With a groan, I stroke my length through my shorts. I’m so fucking hard, so pent up. Relieving myself has become a nightly ritual, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped craving a certain pouty mouth.
“Am I interrupting?”
I let go of my cock with a curse, hearing Rosa laughing on the other side of the room. She leans on the door frame with her arms crossed, her eyes on my crotch, her mouth twisted in a smile.
“Fuck off,” I tell her and feel my face burning up. I reach for a towel and drape it across the painfully obvious erection poking through my shorts.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Rosa shrugs, coming to sit next to me on the bench. She straddles it, like she might a guy she’s about to fuck. “We need to talk,” she says.
“What about?” I furrow my brows. Sure, we have an easy camaraderie between us, but nothing more. Nothing that would require a serious conversation, unless it’s to do with work. “Is something wrong?”
“Kind of.” She shifts on her seat, and before I can stop her, she slips off her leather jacket and pulls off her t-shirt, revealing a perky pair of tits underneath. No bra.
“Rosa, what the fuck!” I jump up from the bench, turning my back to my colleague while my heart pounds wildly. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I brace the wall, feeling my cock stir again. This isn’t supposed to happen, but my body has a mind of its own. It’s only natural to react this way to a half-naked woman in the same room. But still, it does nothing to my heart. That part of me stays as ice cold and frozen as always.
I hear Rosa getting up, and in moments, her arms wrap around my waist. She fumbles with my shorts, and I whip my body around to face her angrily.
“Rosa,” I say with a warning in my tone. “Stop this right now.”
“Why should I?” She pouts at me, looking angry yet desperate. “I don’t want your love, Jake. I just want you to fuck me.”
My cock throbs in my shorts. “No,” I tell her simply. “I don’t want that.”
“Oh, come on.” She laughs, a rough and sad sound, so different from Daisy’s melodic giggle. “I know you’re obsessed with some chick back at home, and you know where my interest lies.”
She means Ryder, of course.
“Doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun together, maybe get rid of some pent-up stress?” She reaches for my waistband and before I can stop her, she’s stuck her hand in there and grabbed my cock firmly.
I reach for her wrists and hold them tightly. “Rosa,” I say, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. “You don’t want this. You don’t want me.”
She squirms in my arms and tries to speak, but I stop her with one look.
“No. I’m not going to fuck you. And Ryder isn’t, either.”
With those words, she rips her hands out of mine and gives me a furious look, but I’m not done talking just yet.
“You need to move on,” I tell her. “And I’m not the right way to do that. You have dozens of guys here who are dying for your attention. Don’t settle for me, because I’ll never love another woman.”
Her eyes are curious, but I’m not about to fucking elaborate. I’m about to go on, when a man from our team, Derrick, enters the room and gives me an expectant look.
“You ready, Jake?” he asks. I can hear the crowd going wild behind him, thirsty for blood.
“Yeah.” I nod and give Rosa a warning look. Warning her not to come closer, not to cause trouble. I don’t need this.
She might be a good fuck, a good distraction. But she would never compare, and in the end, it would only hurt us both.
“Okay?” I ask her, a hint of worry in my voice. I need Rosa to be okay. I have enough to worry about as is.
She gives me a long look, pondering her answer. With a sigh, she averts her eyes and finally nods. “Okay,” she repeats softly.
I grab her by the waist, pull her in, and kiss her forehead. She’s attractive. But she’s no match for Daisy, not for me. She’ll find a guy who deserves her, as soon as she gets over her stupid Ryder obsession.
I leave her behind and follow Derrick into the makeshift arena. The crowd goes wild when they see me, but I keep my head down. I’m trying to get my thoughts straight. I really didn’t fucking need this drama right before the fight.
Derrick leads me into the cage, into my corner. My oppone
nt’s mere feet away, looking every inch the killer he is.
But he doesn’t know that I’ve killed too.
“Bring it on, fucker,” I mutter just loud enough for him to hear, and the sound of pure hatred rolls from his lips. The crowd goes wild, and his trainer has to hold the monster back, he’s that desperate to throw himself at me.
I take a sip of water and try to relax.
I know I’m going to lose. I don’t have a chance against this piece of meat.
Until he mutters something in response to my words.
“Boss told me he’d give me your fuck toy’s address,” the monster says to me, his eyes crazed. “Told me to have some fun with her. Rough her up. Get her ready for him.”
A pistol goes off, initiating the fight. The guy’s words ring in my head. He wants to hurt her, fuck her. My girl.
He throws himself at me as I let the rage build to its boiling point. It doesn’t take long before the red mist descends.
I let it cloud my vision, wait until I see blood.
And then, I draw from it.
The first blow to my opponent’s face connects, and I hear the crunch of bone beneath the skin. He looks at me, surprise evident in his eyes before falling on his back. A moment later, he’s up again, and he’s furious.
He throws himself at me, intent on showing no mercy. He plans to break me, but he doesn’t see the red as I do. He doesn’t feel my rage. Doesn’t know my hatred.
I’m going in for the kill and nothing can stop me.
I deflect every attack of his.
I duck, turn, and hit faster than I ever have before. I tune out the noises from the crowd until I only hear white noise. I focus on the monster in front of me. He’s bared his teeth at me, a bloody gap where his incisor used to be.
“Come at me, pretty boy,” he tells me.
I snarl and throw myself at him. I half expect him to throw me over his shoulder, but I have a newfound strength. I pummel his chest, pushing him over. I beat him, dealing blows to every part of his body I can reach.
He’s a bloody mess underneath me, and I’m faintly aware of the crowd screaming for blood, desperate for me to kill the poor fucker who’s under me. The worst part is, I’m not far off. I could murder the bastard and not feel an ounce of regret until I come down from my high.
