He wanted to hurt me.
Like I had hurt him.
I swung around to leave, my heart racing with a fear that I'd never felt before with Sax. I didn't know this man, the one storming down the steps in his haste to reach me before I made it outdoors. His boots stomped loudly behind me, and I knew that he was catching up, and then he was upon me, flipping me around and slamming me up against the wall next to the door. My gaze flew up to the hate in his, my breath coming hard.
"Sax—"
He slammed his fist against the wall next to my head. "I fucking loved you!" he hissed down into my face, his nostrils flaring.
A sob escaped me as I tried to hold back my emotions. His pain was tangible, tearing me apart, because I'd caused it. His face was so close to mine that I felt his breath against me. I felt boxed in, even though his arms weren't trapping me against the wall. I watched his eyes drift over my face and down my neck to where my blouse was still opened. I'd forgotten to do up the buttons after feeding Ava. His eyes lingered on the swell of my breasts above my bra. My whimper drew his gaze back up to mine.
"I fucking loved you," he repeated in a guttural snarl, drawing back when he realized that he was scaring me.
I sucked in air, keeping my back to the wall, trying to calm my racing heart. He’d loved me? As in past tense. He'd moved on, just as I'd told him to do. As he continued to stare at me I wiped my tears away and took a trembling breath, determined to get the words out I that needed to. I wanted him to know the truth. Not because I wanted to hurt him more, but because he deserved to know.
"And I still love you."
Chapter 4
Sax
"I still love you."
Son-of-a-bitch!
Hours later, I still couldn't get those fucking words out of my head, or the sight of Holly's tear ravished face. I'd watched her walk away after she’d uttered a comment that had nearly brought me to my fucking knees, too stunned to do anything else until the pain had set in on the damage that I'd done to my knuckles when I’d hit the wall. She had no right saying that shit to me and then walking away as if she hadn't just gutted me.
Walking in and seeing her with a baby had felt like the equivalent of someone ripping my fucking heart out. At first, with her head bent, I hadn't recognized her. She'd let her hair grow long enough to pull it up into a messy bun, and the brown had golden highlights running through it. Plus her curves had filled out some. She'd always been curvy, but in a controlled way that she'd worked hard to keep tight.
Yeah, her tits were definitely bigger, and so was her ass, but in the kind of way that made me want to sink my teeth into it. She'd always been gorgeous to me, but I liked the changes motherhood had obviously gifted her with. The fact that no one had informed me that Holly had a baby, or was even expecting one, had made me question my brother's loyalty until Cole had explained that none of them had known.
I had to ask myself why Holly would keep it a secret, but then reminded myself that I shouldn't care. Except that I fucking did care. I wanted to know who the fucking father was, who had put a baby in her belly that should have been mine. I pounded the bar with the side of my fisted hand, letting the rage fill me as much as the tequila. I'd always told Holly that I didn't want kids. It was the only thing that we’d fought about when we'd been together, but I’d never expected her to go out and get pregnant as soon as she broke it off with me.
Unless she’d broken it off with me because she was already pregnant.
Had she been fucking around on me?
Had it been with one of my brothers? I thought about it for a minute, and even my half-drunk brain didn't believe that for a minute. I trusted my brothers. I'd trusted Holly, too. And maybe in time I would have given her the baby she'd wanted so desperately…
"Another shot, Brother?"
I nodded.
Snake dropped one off and looked to the side of me. "What about you, boss?"
I cut my eyes to where Demon was sitting next to me. I hadn't even noticed that he’d joined me. Maybe because of the woman who was sitting on the other side of the room from me at the old ladies' table. I smirked at Snake's persistence of calling Demon boss while the rest of us called him Prez.
"Whiskey."
"You drinking your troubles away?" Demon snorted.
I smirked. "What troubles?"
He motioned in the direction to where the women were sitting. "Woman troubles."
It sounded as if he was an expert on the subject. Hell, he was. He'd gone through some shit before he’d made Bobbie his old lady.
"I don’t have a woman," I corrected him. I stared down at my beer to keep my eyes off Holly.
"What about the woman you brought back with you?"
Frowning, I glared at him. "You know why I brought her here. Hell, I haven't even fucked her."
I'd brought Goldie to the clubhouse to replace Tamara, the club bitch who'd betrayed us and finally met her end a few months ago. Goldie had been hitchhiking on the interstate looking for an adventure when I'd ridden up on her. I didn't normally put bitches on the back of my bike, but when she'd explained that she was on the run and why, I'd decided to help her out.
"So how do you know she's gonna make a good club whore?" Demon questioned gruffly, picking up his glass.
I laughed. "You fuck her if you want to know," I suggested, an unwise move.
Instead of decking me, he grinned. "Think Bobbie will have something to say about that."
"There are plenty of brothers around who can test her out," I said, not really giving a fuck.
"So you're not staking a claim? Because it looks like she and Snake are already getting friendly."
I followed Demon's gaze to the end of the bar. "He can have her." Snake was definitely putting the moves on Goldie, though she appeared to be uninterested in his advances. "When did he get his patch?"
"After LD went to Vegas and we had trouble from the Insane Boys we patched in our existing prospects to make room for new ones. Needed to get our numbers up."
I nodded, remembering the night the Insane Boys had attacked Grinders, killing eight of our brothers and four old ladies. We'd taken out some of them, too, and in the end Desert Rebels had gone after the IBMC and destroyed them all. I hadn't been around for any of it, and I still resented Demon for not calling me back. I should have been there.
"What else did I miss while I was gone?"
"Same old shit, Brother. Already know about the IBMC."
We sat quietly for a minute with our own thoughts. Not an easy thing to do with rock booming through the clubhouse. It was a typical Friday night. Hell, like any night really, it was just more crowded on the weekends. The bar was packed, and from what I could see everyone was enjoying themselves, high on booze and weed. There was some fucking going on, but I was oblivious to everything but the woman sitting across the room.
"You get over her yet?"
I glared at Demon, restraining myself from ripping his head off.
He snorted and went back to his drink. "Why don't you talk to her? Work shit out?"
I shrugged, not looking at him. "Nothing to work out, Brother." My gaze went to Holly. "Better off without her." I said the words, but didn't feel them. "Especially now that she has a kid."
"You really hate kids that much?" He frowned. "Fuck, the clubhouse is going to be full of them soon."
"I don't hate kids," I said, surprised that he would think that. "Just don't want them." I had my reasons, though they weren't the ones that I'd given Holly when she'd started talking about babies. I stared at the woman who'd ripped my heart out and stomped on it, wondering once again who the fucking father was to her kid. "Wonder who the baby daddy is," I muttered, for my ears only.
Demon had no trouble hearing me. He motioned for Snake to bring him over another drink. "She hasn't said." He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't think she knows."
That comment sobered me like nothing else, and my head whipped his way. "Come again?"
I watc
hed his shoulders lift in a shrug. "Sometimes you can be a dumb motherfucker, Brother. Think about it. Ava is six months old. By my calculations, Holly was already pregnant when she broke it off with you."
He stared at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to figure it out on my own.
He got tired of waiting. "I'm guessing she left here before she started showing, when she was about three, four months along."
I'd had too much fucking tequila to comprehend what Demon was talking about. I thought back to that time, trying to recall the series of events that had led up to our breakup, staring down into my empty glass as if I'd find the answers there. If memory served me correctly I hadn't touched Holly after her attack. Jesus Christ, had she gotten pregnant by one of the men who'd raped her?
It had killed me to see Holly after what those fuckers had done to her, to watch the shame and regret fill her eyes before she'd lowered them to the ground, the blame she'd placed on herself. The thought of one of them putting a baby in her made me sick. I shook my head to clear it, refusing to go down that path.
Bobbie chose that moment to join us. She stepped up behind Demon quietly and wrapped her arms around his neck, nuzzling the side of his neck. With a grin and a growl he brought her around to the front of him and pulled her down onto his lap.
"I'm tired," she murmured leaning into him.
"You want to go home, Babe?"
She nodded.
"We could always use our room upstairs if you're too tired to ride home."
"No, Holly and Ava are using it." She gave me a speculative look. "Since you moved Goldie into yours." Was she fishing for an explanation? Knowing Bobbie, she wouldn't wait long to get one. "Is she your new girl?"
I snorted, amused that she'd come right out and asked. "Nope." I hadn't moved Goldie into my room either, but that was all I muttered. I didn't have to explain myself to her, even if she was Prez's old lady.
"She's replacing Tamara," Demon grinned, wrapping his powerful arms around Bobbie and pulling her close. "New club pussy."
That got him a huff and a hit in the arm from Bobbie. "You'd better not try her out, or I'll cut your balls off."
He laughed loudly, amusement dancing in his one good eye. He’d lost the other one in a prison riot years before, and now kept it covered with a patch. As he laughed at Bobbie's expense, she leaned in and gave his bottom lip a sharp bite out of frustration. He snapped his head back, surprised that she'd reacted so violently, before he slammed his mouth down over hers. It wasn't a long kiss, but by the time they drew apart they were both flushed and breathing hard.
"Let's go," Demon growled, looking deep into his woman's eyes. Bobbie was forced to her feet when he scooted off the stool. "Glad you're back, Brother." He gave me a pat on the shoulder. "See you at church in the morning."
I gave him a chin lift and then they walked away. Snake came back to my end of the bar, and I made the mistake of catching Goldie's eye. Her smile grew big and she winked at me, but I was glad that she didn't leave her stool to come over, even if she did look damned good in that moment. She was a pretty girl with blonde curls, blue eyes, and a cupid mouth that would look good wrapped around any man's dick, especially with that bright red lipstick she was wearing. She'd cleaned up good, too, rocking the tiny red dress she'd borrowed from Mitzi.
She'd told me that she was twenty-one. Her driver's license backed that up. I hadn't been about to bring an underage girl with a woman's body into the club. We didn't need that kind of trouble. She'd tried her best to get me to fuck her while we'd been on the road, and I honestly didn't know why I hadn't taken her up on it. Fucking out in the open beneath a star-studded night would have been fun, and I would have gotten off. But my dick hadn't been into it.
The fucker wanted one woman only, and that woman was across the room from me, looking sexy in a pair of ripped jeans and a sheer blouse over a black bra. Holly belonged here. She fit in. But I couldn’t imagine how the hell we would be able to make it work together. I hadn't questioned Demon about what was going on with her--where she was living or working--because I hadn't wanted to give him reason to think that I cared. My brothers could be like a gaggle of old hens when they caught wind of something to rib another brother about.
I didn't need that shit.
Didn't want it.
Holly and I were done.
And no matter what my dick wanted, he needed to accept that too, and soon. Using my hand for relief was growing old. Sooner or later I was going to turn to one of the club girls.
As if her ears had been burning, Goldie slipped off her stool and made her way toward me, looking all sweet and inviting. Snake shot me a look but remained at the other end of the bar, where he was serving. The club girls were available to any brother who was in the mood, along with any civilians who they were stupid enough to attend one of our wild parties.
I braced myself, because the look in Goldie's blue eyes revealed that she had me in her sights, and she wasn't going to take no for an answer. I let my eyes drink her in because, hell, I was a man, and her little red dress barely covered her pussy. Her smile revealed that she’d noticed my interest, and it gave her the confidence to wrap her arms around me and kiss me on the neck.
"Have I thanked you properly for rescuing me?" she asked when she pulled back. "Let me give you a bonus, Sax. You denied me on the ride here, but I want you." Her hands toyed with the top of my pants.
"Didn't rescue you, honey. Brought you here to do a job." I gave her a cold look. "Do it."
Her laugh was low and sexy. "I'm trying, baby. I want you to be my first."
I jerked my head back. What the fuck? It took me a minute to realize that she wasn't implying that she was a virgin, but that she wanted me to be the first brother she fucked. "Sorry, Goldie. Not interested."
My gaze lit on Dancer, who was walking our way. He looked as if he had something on his mind, and wasn't paying attention until I reached out and grabbed him by the arm when he was on his way by. He stopped and looked at me inquisitively, his eyes shooting back and forth between me and Goldie.
I took Goldie by the hand and pulled her around closer to him. "Here, Brother. Break her in."
I knew my words were heartless, but she needed to learn fast what was expected of her, and that I hadn't brought her here because I wanted her for myself. I ignored her slight gasp and the look of disbelief she pinned on me. Dancer's face lit up as he took the smaller hand that I pressed into his.
"Hey, baby, you new here? Come with me, I'll show you a good time."
I didn't watch them walk off. No, my eyes went back to the old ladies' table where Holly was sitting. Fuck, she was sitting there, laughing and talking as if nothing was wrong and everything in the world was fucking fantastic, while I was drowning myself in alcohol and misery. I was pathetic. I should show her I didn't fucking care, too. That I'd moved on, as it appeared that she had. I scanned the room until I found Mitzi and locked eyes with her. A jerk of my head pulled her from her chair to walk towards me.
"What do you need, baby?" she cooed, getting up close and personal.
I grabbed her around the waist and forced her to straddle my lap. She laughed, buried her hands in my hair, and brought my face down to her exposed tits. I grit my teeth, instantly noticing that she smelled good, but it wasn't the warm lavender scent that I was craving. When she began to grind down on my dick I pulled away from the flesh that was suffocating me, meeting the hurt in the brown eyes of the woman who still had the power to gut me.
Holly sat frozen, watching me with Mitzi. Even from across the room I could see the liquid glistening in her eyes. Fuck me, what had she expected? This was my fucking clubhouse, and I wasn't about to feel guilty for having another woman grinding down on my lap with her tits in my face. Then, in the blink of an eye, Holly was smiling and saying something to the others at her table before rising to her feet. It was clear that she was leaving.
I didn't expect her to come to me, but I watched her walk to the stairs and then
climb them. I locked my hungry eyes on the delicious sway of her full ass in those tight jeans. Jesus, what had she done to me? I'd remained soft to Mitzi's movements until the sight of Holly's ass teased me into a hard-on. Shit. The way Mitzi was acting, it was clear that she thought she deserved the credit for it.
"Oh, baby, it's so good to have you back. Let's go up to your room."
I pushed her away from where she was nuzzling against me and easily pushed her off my lap. I was going up alright, but it wasn't going to be to my empty room, and not with Mitzi.
Chapter 5
Holly
I couldn’t say how long I'd been asleep when I woke abruptly to a presence in the room, and then the feeling of someone crawling up and over me. As their weight settled against my body fully I opened my mouth to scream, but a hard, callused hand prevented me from crying out. I sank further into the bed and stiffened against the much larger, firmer person on top of me. I knew that whoever it was was a man because he was so close I could feel his facial scruff against my cheek.
"Ssh," came a low warning in the darkness. "Don't want to wake the kid."
Sax. He was fully dressed. His breath laced with alcohol. And he was hard, though I didn't think he was there to fuck me. I'd seen Mitzi grinding on him earlier, the sight causing me to cry myself to sleep.
"Ava," I whispered when he removed his hand. "Her name is Ava." I didn't tell him that she wasn't there, that Annabelle had offered to take her to her room for the night because she hadn't felt like partying.
"Who's the father, Holly?" he growled down at me. "Who the fuck put a baby in you?"
I swallowed hard, frightened by this Sax, because he was a man I'd never seen before. I was conflicted, because while he was a harder, more dangerous version than the man I'd left, the changes in him turned me on. Should I tell him the truth? He should have already guessed it by now.
SAX (Desert Rebels MC Book 4) Page 3
