We silent for a long while, my mind still trying to make sense of it all. When she say, “I’m the one told Dexter someone raped Norma Jean, I didn’t say who, and I asked Dexter to marry ‘a fore she started showing. Her and Dexter hadn’t even been together when she told you she was pregnant.”
Shaking my head no, my head start to feel heavy and I’m angry. “You didn’t have no business getting in between me and Norma Jean.” I feel a sadness and a new wound opening.
I think about how me and Norma Jean was. I think about Norma Jean not telling me what was really going on. I think about all the nights when I held ‘a while she cried ‘aself to sleep. I feel bad, Iain recognize she was crying like Miemay cried over being raped at times. And whenever I’d ask Norma Jean why she was so upset, she’d just pull me closer, pull my arms around ‘a tight, always saying it what’n nothing.
“What would that have looked like in Zion? Her having a baby for ‘a daddy? People would have looked at ‘a different. Somehow she would have had to pay for it.”
I still don’t know what to say. I just keep looking at Ella sitting across the table from me, like this the first time I’ve ever seen ‘a before. Then she look back at me, like what she did was right.
“Miemay told me you said you ain’t wont no husband. I hoped when Daddy quit speaking to yah you’d break and give all this up. Hoped you’d git married like Norma Jean. You cain’t live like this forever.” Ella try to excuse what she done.
“Who says?” I’m so angry I’m not afraid to tell the truth.
“Every woman needs a man. Only a fool of a woman thinks different.”
“Well, I must be a fool,” I admit and stare at ‘a, then stand. “Good night, Ella. I want you to leave.”
“Norma Jean married now. She got kids, and she got a husband crazy bout ‘a. If you just say the word, you and Sumner Harper could be married, too. Then yall would have two houses and all this land between you.”
“Stop talking, Ella.”
“Hmph,” Ella stare at me sliding from under the table, and then leaning on it to help ‘aself up.
I realize she getting older, and moving tired. She always was older than ‘a age.
“I’m gone leave, cause you right, it is late. But I wont you to know Iain done with this. Something got you going, and I’m gone know what it is. I’m yo sister, I helped raised you and I know when something up. You ain smiled this much since-” she stop and think.
Standing, pulling ‘a wrap off the back of the chair, and starting towards the door. Then she say, “I cain’t say I ever remember you smiling this much, or seeming to feel this good. You always be walking round quiet, small, like you trying to git around without being noticed. Now, seem you got some other reason to live, and I’m gone figure out what his name is.”
“I promise it ain’t no ‘he’ got me acting no kinda way,” I say pulling the door open and finding Prentice still on his wagon, with his hat pulled down over his eyes. He probly sleeping.
“Ain’t no he,” she say back to ‘aself thinking.
I’m doing everything but pushing ‘a out the door. “Thank you for bringing ‘a,” I call out heavy hearted to Prentice, and he get up, and start moving, getting the horses ready to pull off.
“I don’t think you felt this good then, but the last time I seen you smile like you did tonight, was when you was best friends with Norma Jean, fore she got married.”
“Good night, Mariella. Go getcho self some rest.” I’m ushering ‘a off the porch.
“Maybe we should spend the night. I left the kids with Prentice mama nem. It might be too late to travel,” Ella tease trying to soften the mood.
“Nah, you cain’t stay the night here.” I got my hand on Ella back, lightly pushing ‘a on ‘a way. “We going to bed,” come out wrong, and I feel it soon as I say it.
Ella get like a tree rooted on my porch. I feel ‘a standing strong against my nudging. Then I stop pushing ‘a, and she go on without another word.
Chapter Thirty-Three
IMPOSSIBLE
I’m laying in the dark thinking bout Norma Jean, her step daddy and the baby. He should have to pay for what he done. Life would be so different for me and Norma Jean, if I knew sooner. Then I remember she got four kids now, and a husband. I remember Norma Jean saying it be best if we don’t meet no more. I remember ‘a saying she had to make decisions for ‘a family now, and she wished things were different. I’m thinking bout Ella saying she know bout me.
I’m wondering bout Coley, if she sleep yet. I never ask ‘a to come in here, but I miss ‘a on the nights when she don’t. Some nights she just crawl in bed with me after I’ve fallen off to sleep, and bury ‘a face in my back. Something changing but I try not to think about it too much. I try not to be different with ‘a. I know ain’t no woman like Coley gone look at me twice, and I don’t want ‘a to leave me on bad terms.
I want to go knock on Coley’s door, tell ‘a me and Ella just needed a little time together, to say good night. I wont to apologize if I’ve hurt ‘a feelings. Then again, some part of me feel like a man, like I’d be doing too much, knocking on a lady’s door this time of night. I think I’d be intruding, maybe even scare ‘a by anything I say, anything I do. I don’t wont things to change. Don’t wont ‘a to start feeling no kinda way.
“Linny? You decent?” Coley voice surprise me and pull me out my head.
I sit right up, relieved she came. Then I’m afraid to show ‘a I been waiting. So I lay down and decide to pretend like I’m sleep. Trying to make my voice deep and sleepy sounding, I say, “I’m in the bed. Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” she say, then there’s this long silence. I can feel ‘a outside my door waiting, and I’m waiting, too.
“You coming in?”
She answer by opening the door. I can see ‘a smiling as she walks to the bed, her head covered in a flowery colored silk scarf. Soon as she climbs in bed with me, I pull ‘a close.
“I’m sorry about earlier, me and Ella just needed a minute.”
She put ‘a hand on my stomach, snuggling in closer to me. “It’s okay, I understand. My family and I have our things we have to talk about, too, just amongst ourselves. Just sometimes, I feel like you and I are so close, and we talk so much, I can’t imagine there’s anything you couldn’t share with me.”
“There ain’t,” I say, half way expecting ‘a to ask me what we talked about, but she don’t. Ain’t nothing to tell no way. We lay silent. I’m relieved that she came. After this long day, all I could think about was sleeping with ‘a in my arms.
“I’m really proud of how you handled those men today and the way you stood up to them.”
“I should have done something sooner.”
“Everything happens in it’s time, the way it’s suppose to. I mean, women don’t tell the men in their family, especially not their elders, what they are and aren’t going to do.
“You refused to let them intimidate you and took your store back. I don’t think I would have had the nerve to fight back like you did. You should have seen yourself, standing there on that porch with that rifle, your hair in French braids. You looked so beautiful, and fierce,” she ends all dreamy.
“You don’t know what you might do if pushed.” I think about all Coley done did in ‘a life so far. I think about ‘a being here now, a woman, travelling alone to live in a place she ain never been. Then I think about all the women in my life, Mama, and Miemay, and Ella, and Grit, Coley and me, our lives. Who we is, how we is and say, “A lot of times we stronger than we think.”
“You think so?” Coley runs ‘a hands over my stomach again. Everywhere she rub, feel like she stirring a pot of cold water over a fire, waiting for seasoning and vegetables and maybe some meat to become a good stew. Where ‘a hand stop, be the fire right under the center of the pot, and the heat start to build right there.
“I do.” I feel like all the bubbles sticking to the side of the pot getting ready to boil. The
heat of ‘a body next to mine making it unbearable to rest. I’m moving around trying to get some peace.
Then I feel ‘a hand on my face, and it’s calming. She stroking my face, and I feel like I can see ‘a looking at me in the dark. Don’t know what possess me but I scoot closer to ‘a, pull ‘a so close, it’s too close.
I pull ‘a scarf off, and put my hands in ‘a hair, rub ‘a scalp with my fingers. She moan a little, so I kiss ‘a forehead. Holding ‘a so close, kneading ‘a head like I would dough, making my heart race. She relax and let ‘a head go with my fingers. I start to feel sore in the place I sometimes have to touch and soothe myself.
She hold on to me, and I can feel ‘a lips just a ways from mine. I kiss ‘a forehead again, then ‘a nose, and then ‘a lips. Just a little peck first. Then she moan and kiss me back. We kiss each other back and forth, and I’m starting to ache more in that place, and my nipples in knots. Feel like she breathing life into me, and I want more of ‘a. So I put my hand under the cover, find the end of ‘a gown and run my hands over her knee. Then she moan again, like she hungry and the food real good. Then I feel ‘a hand running over my titties.
“Mmm,” she moans.
I tell God if I’m dreaming, don’t let that damn rooster crow. I run my hands over ‘a nipples. She start to wiggle round like she on fire, too. I start to kiss ‘a deeply. I want to taste ‘a, put my tongue in every part of ‘a. She bite my lip gently and I bite back, close my eyes and inhale the scent of lavender soap, and the moment. Rubbing my hands over ‘a titties, and over ‘a stomach, I want to touch ‘a like I touch myself.
Sliding my hand down in ‘a bloomers, I rub over the hair there. She opens ‘a legs to me, but ‘a bloomers in the way. So I get on my knees, pull the covers back, snatch ’em down, then off.
“Wait,” she whisper in the dark. “I’ve never done this before with a woman.”
“Iain never did this with nobody.” I’m scared she gone tell me to stop.
We still for a while, her laying down looking up at me, maybe thinking bout what she doing. I don’t want ‘a to do too much thinking. So I rub ‘a stomach, and she put ‘a hands on top of my hand. I lay back down beside ‘a, and kiss ‘a. Kiss ‘a deep like my life depend on it, cause it feel like it do. She kiss back, and seem to relax.
I rub ‘a hair down there again, and feel a little bit of ‘a wetness on my hand. With my fingers, gently, I part ‘a lips, and feel for where the wetness coming from. She moans pushing it at me, clenching my shoulder, pulling me and kissing me deeper. Gently, I stroke wetness til she start to move ‘a hips so my hand find where she wont me. I touch ‘a like I touch myself, gentler though. I make gentle circles in ‘a wetness, and she dance with my hand.
“Harder,” she whisper so I push down firmer. Then I straddle ‘a leg, and move with ‘a. Start to feel something rising tween my legs, too. We moving under the covers, and she moaning, then I’m out of breath when she say, “Ummm,” clenching my wrist and start shaking all over. I feel ‘a body extra wet, and I feel like she on a cloud slowly coming down.
I’m holding ‘a close, but I can feel my heart beat painfully between my legs. So I know I got to go in the bathroom, or somewhere to relieve myself. I kiss ‘a then pull away.
“Where are you going?” She holding on.
I start to say something, but stop, realizing I’m too shamed to admit I touch myself. I just look at ‘a for a minute. So instead I say, “I need to go put some cold water on me, cause I’m,” I stop, looking for the words and just let go of whatever come out my mouth, “I need something, too.”
“Take off your bloomers and come here then.” Her voice sound like scoops of warm cobbler.
“You sure?” I definitely don’t want ‘a to take it back.
I can hear ‘a nodding ‘a head yes in the dark.
So I start to pull my bloomers down. When they off and she go to touch me, I realize I ain’t ready for all that. I think I want to feel ‘a leg again, now ain’t nothing between us. So I straddle ‘a leg, smearing my wetness on ‘a. She move with me, and we kiss. Then some kind of way, she up against my leg and we both moving.
Fore I know it, the pain tween my legs start to get big and feel good, better than what I do to myself. Fore I know it, I cain’t move in time, and the feeling anchoring me, pulling me away from myself. Then the soreness spread good all through my body. I bury my face in ‘a neck while the feeling burying itself in me, and she holding on, still moving ‘a hips, making it deeper.
Chapter Thirty-Four
MORNING BATHS
The morning come like it always do, but today it’s different. Yesterday I was laying in the bed with the woman who was staying with me. We were friends who were close, and she would one day go away and get married. She is beautiful, smart, college bred, she’s seen more than just Zion, she reads all the time, and she was impossible.
Last night feels like a dream I had a lifetime ago. This morning, I know I what’n never dreaming. Here she is next to me, her arms wrapped round my body, her head just above my titties.
The roosters’ crowing is a reminder that I’m alive and this is my life.
I get up, knowing she ain’t sleep, but I don’t say anything, I feel different. I get ready to bathe. I feel like I can smell ‘a all over me. I get the fires started, and put some water on upstairs and downstairs. Then I go out and feed the animals while it boils. I think about the mornings Mama and Daddy nem was bathing, after they had bathed that night. I’m learning things bout things I already knew and didn’t know.
I remember asking Mama why she bathing again in the morning, and getting ‘aself all hot in the cool of the morning. She’d tell me I ask too many questions and worry bout the wrong things. Now I know.
I hear the men joking with one another bout how they fresh out of a morning bath. Sometimes them same men be teased when they ain’t had they morning bath. All the old men say the morning baths gone get far and few between. I see how them words lay heavy on a young man, make him quiet and into whatever his hands doing while he thinking bout it.
I remember all the times men done got mad and jumped bad, after they kept saying something bout him taking baths at night, and being tucked in with the kids. I thought they was saying he what’n no man, and his wife was running the house. What those men was really saying is the man what’n getting none, but as a virgin, Iain get it. They use to cut up so, sometimes I’d be laughing, and didn’t even know what I was laughing at. Now I know.
When I come in from feeding the hens, Coley scare me standing in the hallway, right in front of the back door, fixing ‘a robe around ‘a naked body.
“Morning,” she offers more than says, and it’s awkward. The space between us feel like it’s threatening to push us closer together, or rip us apart.
I say, “I put some water on for us. I’ll bathe down here.”
For the first time she ain got nothing to say. She just watch me. I don’t really know ‘a right now. She ain’t the Coley of words, and feelings, she is the Coley of silence.
“You okay,” I ask nervous she gone leave me.
“I’m okay.” She speaking high and loud, giving that fake laugh when ain’t nothing funny, and she uneasy. I don’t look at ‘a, I go on about the morning chores. I start us some grits down low and do what I say, bathe.
Breakfast is silent, except for the silverware clacking against plates, spoons in bowls, and our cups being lifted and placed on the wood table. Seem like we making more noise to drown out the silence. There is so much to talk about, and I’ve gotten use to talking to Coley bout anything. Now, this big thing done happened, and there ain’t no words.
For the first time I have so many questions I want to ask her, but I’m afraid of the answers. I try telling myself, “We’ll just see what happens,” like I always do. For the first time, that don’t change nothing, it don’t soothe my soul or stop me from wondering. I want ‘a to tell me how she feels, but she doesn’t look at me, and I don’t lo
ok at her.
“You plan to leave,” just escapes me, and I stare at ‘a watching ‘a squirm under my gaze, but I cain’t look away. I feel how uncomfortable I’m making ‘a. I’m uncomfortable making ‘a uncomfortable, but I have to know.
I want to see if she lie to me, cause she too afraid to tell me the truth. I’ll feel it. Breakfast sitting on my stomach heavy and nasty, like I had too much oil. Iain even hungry my nerves so bad, but I eat cause there ain’t nothing else I can think to do.
“I didn’t say I was leaving.” She clear ‘a throat, not meeting my eyes, pushing food around on ‘a plate in the real proper way that she does. She is what we call a cultured woman round here.
“You afraid?” I ask gentler, still not relieved, trying to breathe easy, cause I am overwhelmed by my feelings, and they be the reason Norma Jean had to finally cut all our ties.
Truth is, I didn’t just let Norma Jean go when she told me she was pregnant. I begged her not to leave me. I promised her, I would accept whatever she had left, after she satisfied her wifely duties. I told ‘a my truth. Iain never think I’d have a woman of my own, but the way she made me feel gave me hope she could be all mine.
Soon as Norma Jean agreed we’d keep on doing whatever we was doing, I changed. Maybe I found out better who I am. The first time Dexter came calling for Norma Jean, I knew a day would come when I might have to share. I thought I was prepared for that day.
When I said I would be satisfied with whatever Norma Jean could give, I believed what I was saying. Norma Jean was pregnant, planning a wedding, packing to move to another town, and entertaining Dexter’s family. Now I know… She was also dealing with being raped, and marrying a man she couldn’t have loved. She needed my support and understanding. I needed her assurance. I didn’t know I was starving. All she could give me was crumbs.
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