Descendants of Hagar

by Nik Nicholson

  I became somebody Iain even know. At first I was so mad, sometimes I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was anxious. Felt like my skin was too heavy for my bones. Then I realized I what’n mad at all. I was hurt. I was devastated.

  I started showing up without being expected. I was jealous. I acted out. I was possessive of her in front of Dexter. I was mean to ‘a while she was planning ‘a wedding. I was sad all the time and bringing ‘a down. Then one day after I showed up without being expected, Norma Jean said I scared ‘a. She said she was tired. That’s when she told me I was no longer welcome.

  Some part of me is afraid of how unpredictable I am when it comes to my heart. Me and Norma Jean ain’t never get this far. Iain never felt about Norma Jean how strongly I feel for Coley. I feel so much for Coley I’m scared of myself.

  Every time I see Norma Jean I remember that our kind of love was impossible. Now it feels like I’m there again, in that place where love is impossible.

  “What would I be afraid of?” Coley ask sincere, putting just a bite of food in ‘a mouth and then looking at me.

  “Me.” My heart breaks for some reason when I say it. I wait for my voice, sound and breathing, and my heart to beat on time. “I would never hurt you, never,” I promise ‘a. I feel like there’s something I need to say to ‘a, but I don’t know what that is. I’m searching for the right words, reaching. Iain got nothing. Feel like I’m pleading for ‘a to stay and offering to help ‘a pack.

  “It’s okay.” She touch my hand.

  I feel so open and raw. I feel the way I did when I realized what’n nothing I could do to please Mama. I breathe slow, not too deep, cause there be tears in the pit of my chest, too much air’ll push out. I cain’t move. My hand feel numb to ‘a touch.

  Her chair sound like a low horn dragging over the wood floors as she scoots back. Then she get up from ‘a seat and push ‘a plate across the table beside mine.

  My chest feel heavy like a weight laying on it.

  Then she scoot ‘a chair as close to mine as possible, looking in my eyes, and she kiss me a little on my cheek, like she testing to see if it’s okay.

  I turn around but I cain’t even look ‘a in the eyes, I feel anchored, and weak.

  Then she kisses me on the lips. She kisses me again, and again, soft, slow, gentle, just little kisses, and it’s like she teaching me to breathe.

  When I can move, and I realize she here, her kisses make me sad, make me frown, but I kiss ‘a back. Then I kiss her, like I’m on top of her, and she moaning and calling my name the way she did last night.

  I feel like a child I wont ‘a so much. My need of ‘a is too big for ‘a to fill, even having ‘a here right now. My want of her, makes me impatient for just a little bit more. I feel how close I am to the edge. I know it could break me if she decide to just stand, and walk away.

  If she decides to leave, though broken, I will silently help ‘a pack, get the door, and even take ‘a to where she feels safe.

  All while I was bathing I was trying to prepare myself for letting go, but now she saying she will stay.

  “Linny?” Coley rubbing my hand.

  I realize I’m gripping the spoon needing something I can hold on to now.

  She eases ‘a fingers into my hand, prying the spoon out of my grip, and kisses me again and again. We kissing deep. The lights are on, the sun is up, we are dressed and we are preparing to go out into the world, but we’re kissing, deep kissing.

  Fore I know anything I done grabbed ‘a up, and laid ‘a across the table. I’m pushing things on the floor. The kissing isn’t soothing me, isn’t easing the feeling of losing ‘a even while she promising to stay. There’s a hole in my spirit I’m trying to pull ‘a into.

  “Linny,” she moans in my mouth between kisses, wrapping ‘a legs around me.

  I pull ‘a dress up, stick my tongue in ‘a mouth, and kiss ‘a deep. Moving ‘a under clothes to the side, I search for ‘a bloom, and she already wet, blossoming and ‘a hips moving against my hand, she asking for more. I’m rubbing ‘a the way I rub myself, the way I rubbed ‘a last night. I climb on top of the table. I need to be rougher, but I don’t want to hurt ‘a. Somehow my fingers slide inside of her. Then she moan loud and frown, and sit up like a light house on the edge of the sea.

  “Iain hurting you am I?”

  “Um,” she bites ‘a lips. “You feel so good.” She moans and whimpers a little like she crying. Then kissing me hungry, she start to jerk and move round, and I hold on to ‘a from inside so I can stay with ‘a. “Um!” She rides my hand, and I cain’t believe I’m inside of ‘a.

  But the spiritual man tries all things [he examines, investigates, inquires into, questions, and discerns all things], yet is himself to be put on trial and judged by no one [he can read the meaning of everything, but no one can properly discern or appraise or get an insight into him].

  1 Corinthians 2:15 AMP (Amplified Bible)

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  FAMILY BUSINESS

  “What now?” I sit up to see if I can make out who coming, when I see the dust rising from a automobile on my road. After yesterday, I’m on edge expecting something else to happen. The day done. I was gone sit here reading til last light. Soon as I recognize the driver I put my book down and stand to receive ’em.

  “Good evening, Madelyn!” Ms. Diamond Beaumont say, after Grover open ‘a door and help ‘a out, like I been working for ‘a my whole life. Funny how white folks go around treating all us niggas like they own us, like they run the world we in. Whether they know a thing about us or not.

  “Evenin,” I say and get my bearings by finding a spot on the ground, and putting my hands in my pants pocket. Ion like talking to white folks. Never know how far ya words gone go. Wont to know why she here, but I cain’t question ‘a. I look out at Grover once he get back behind the wheel. He turn his face away from me, even if he know something, he cain’t tell me nothing now.

  I finally find the words. “How can I help you, Misses?” My voice come out too loud, too clear to me.

  “I came,” she say like she still figuring it out for ‘aself. “I came,” she start again, this time walking up to the porch.

  It feel wrong, me being up on the porch while she on the ground below me, speaking. I have to look away from ‘a, to keep from making eye contact with ‘a where she standing.

  “Being an only child and all, I’ve been quite pleased to learn I have a sister, whether she niggra or not.” She coming up on the porch, changing the tables, probly feeling how wrong it is for a nigga to be above ‘a, and for ‘a to have to look up to one.

  Then she start examining me all while she stepping closer, gauging how I’m buying what she selling. “And every since I saw you, and how much we look alike, you can imagine I’m as curious about you as I know you must be about me. Bet you sit around thinking about how much we look alike all the time,” she say, smiling.

  “Iain thought no more on us,” I say truthfully.

  Mostly what I been thinking bout is her daddy raping my mama. Mostly I been thinking bout how much I hate looking like Hunter Beaumont. Mostly I been sad, thinking bout how I remind Mama of what happened to ‘a every time she look at me. But I cain’t say none of what’s really on my mind, it’d be disrespectful. Maybe she’ll run tell ‘a daddy, and he’ll hang me and all my family.

  Nigga women don’t mean nothing to white men, but a way to soothe they self when they wife won’t. Been that way since slavery and ain’t nothing changed. Cept he cain’t keep ‘a in no house off to hisself, and come and go as he please. He got to rape the help he paying. Got to threaten ‘a husband. Got to pretend like he don’t know why some nigga got his eyes.

  “Oh, come on now, girl. You don’t have to lie to me. Looking almost white makes life better for your kind. All the niggas I’ve ever seen your color, glad they were spared from that black skin.”

  “I wish I looked like my daddy, the real one who raised me.”

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nbsp; “You ungrateful wench. I bet these strong boys round here lining up to plow your fields.”

  “I don’t know bout the boys round here, but I know every time my mama look at me she remember.”

  “Remember what?” She step so close to me, she push me. It’s a dare more than a question.

  I step back, looking off to the side and behind me. Not a word.

  “What’s wrong with your face, girl?” She seem shocked all of a sudden. “Word is, you down here fighting, shooting at people and carrying on. Daddy done sent me to find out what’s going on. He say he ain’t never knowed you to be in no trouble. You’re a good girl.”

  “It was a family matter, and it’s been handled.”

  “Somebody should call the law. They should be punished for hurting her.” Coley come through the screen door staring at us.

  Diamond look at Coley good. Coley ain’t got the good sense to look down. She stare right back at Ms. Beaumont, like she a white woman ‘aself.

  “Be quiet, Coley,” I warn.

  “Well, good evening!” Ms. Beaumont put ‘a hands on ‘a hips and smile at Coley, hanging bees with honey. I think she was expecting me to do what Coley doing, but I know better, and I hate Coley don’t. “Finally somebody know how to treat a guest. Have you seen this poor girl’s face?”

  “Yes, I have, but you should have seen the men who hit her,” Coley say proud.

  “Shut up!” I order Coley, then stare ‘a in the face.

  Coley silent, but she seem lost trying to find ‘a place in all this. I can tell by how she acting she don’t know how fragile the space is. I can tell by how she searching for something proper to say, she don’t know how out of turn she speaking.

  “I was just telling Madelyn that there are a lot of advantages to looking almost white.” Ms. Beaumont starts fishing, and smiling.

  “Linny, Madelyn, is ungrateful. I told her the first day we met, I would kill to have skin that light. You know with the right training she could pass for a blue blood.”

  “What’s that?” Diamond asks smiling and dancing a little.

  “That’s enough, Coley.” I cain’t believe she saying all this, like she forgetting how my skin got this light.

  “Now that I see my sister, I’m worried about how there aren’t any laws or police to protect her. That low-life white trash over in Deweyville kill niggras for sport. If they so much as see one on the road by himself, it’s a problem. Daddy been trying to talk to them. He say he don’t want to scare yall away. Already so many of yall leaving for other places, where there are more jobs and you feel safer.”

  “Negro,” Coley correct Diamond.

  Diamond shocked, but she don’t do what any other white woman would have done. She don’t slap the taste out Coley mouth. She don’t tell Coley how she ain’t never wrong long as she white, and even if she is wrong ain’t no nigga’s business or place to correct ‘a.

  “Then again, ain’t nothing better than what we got going on here.” Diamond keep on talking like Coley ain’t said a word.

  “How do you figure?” Coley doing ‘a best to hold ‘a tongue, but the word ‘niggra’ done rubbed ‘a the wrong way.

  “They ain’t got no family up north. I hear niggra men taking good niggra women and turning them out on the streets to make a profit. Heard it ain’t really no jobs, and niggras starving in the streets. It’s a wonder you was able to make something of yourself, girl, Coley is it, considering.”

  Coley squirm under the idea of being a whore or being a teacher against all the odds. I think it’s good for Coley to understand who she dealing with. I hope she remembering the fair, and how she could get us hung. She sit silent while Ms. Beaumont go on talking.

  “Round here niggras guaranteed work, and they got they whole family around ’em. Some of them even been able to make a nice living for themselves. Got they own land. Whenever I go travelling, I see how blessed we all are, that our niggras aren’t dealing with all the problems they have to face in other places. Mothers can bring they children with them to work. In other places, they got to find somebody to watch their youngins.

  “Then when niggras ain’t being exposed to hard work early on, ain’t no telling how they gone turn out. Here, all our niggras got a good work ethic, cause they all learn to work in the fields as soon as they old enough to get around good. There isn’t anywhere else in this country, where people making use of and appreciating niggas the way we do here in Georgia. Wouldn’t you agree, Madelyn?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I agree heartily, doing my “good nigga pose,” and laughing a little, stoking Coley’s fire and working ‘a nerves. I’m standing while Ms. Beaumont sitting, like I’m waiting on ‘a next request. It ain’t legal for niggas and white folks to sit around together talking bout nothing. There’s always got to be a line drawn.

  “Girl, go get me a drink,” Diamond speak to me then look at Coley.

  “I don’t have special glasses for white people, ma’am,” I’m trying to keep from leaving nem alone.

  “Well, what do you want me to do about that, girl, die of thirst?”

  “Coley, you go get it,” I order.

  “No, you go get it cause I asked you to do it,” Diamond insist.

  I look at Coley to take notice. Coley simple ass under the notion white folks and niggas equal.

  “Go on now, girl. Me and Coley will be right here waiting when you come back.” Diamond smile at me, wrinkling ‘a nose, and that scare me. Me and Diamond both know what she doing.

  “This ain’t New York, Coley,” I warn ‘a, staring in ‘a eyes.

  Coley stubbornness make me uneasy, so I snatch the screen door open and run in the kitchen. All while I’m in the kitchen, I’m moving fast as I can. I rinse the glasses, fill ’em with ice and pour’em full. I’m getting hot, and decide to just take Diamond a glass. So she can drink it and go.

  “Crash!” The glass breaking scare me, then I realize I’ve knocked the other glass off the counter. Still Ion stop to clean it up. I’m running back to the front porch with the glass. Just in time to hear Coley say, “Coloreds should have their own police.”

  “What I tell you, Coley?” I give Diamond the glass of lemonade. Now they sitting on either end of the swing like old friends.

  “Don’t fuss at her. She was just saying how different things are here, from how they are where she’s from.” Diamond look across at Coley and ask, “Up north?”

  “Up north,” Coley agree.

  “Thank you. This is good,” Diamond approve, after taking a sip of the lemonade, then drinking it good. “Why Madelyn, if you were up north you could have told the police Ernest and Victor were stealing from you. You wouldn’t have to be doing no policing yourself. Too bad you don’t have a man to speak for you.”

  I feel hot, and worried. I wonder how far these words go.

  “Why didn’t your daddy Cash do something, or one of them brothers you got?”

  “He did do something bout it.”

  “Did he go get them boys that jumped you in your store?”

  “No, ma’am, but this is family business. We don’t need no police or law. All families have disagreements. We working it out.”

  “Have you seen your face? Is that how niggra men work things out with they women? My daddy wouldn’t never let nobody come in and take nothing from me, then man handle me too.”

  “Well, Iain got no daddy to stand for me. I got to stand for myself,” I say to remind ‘a of how me and her sisters. My mama a nigga, and she ain’t laid down with Hunter Beaumont under no romantic notions. They be done hung me if I say anything directly, anything that can be seen as a attack on the head of the council.

  “You sure you ain’t got no daddy to stand for you?”

  “I’m sure Cassius Remington, the only daddy I ever knew, done washed his hands of the whole situation,” I promise.

  “Well, that’s a shame,” Diamond say, standing and putting the glass back in my hand. The side of ‘a palm touch part of mine. />
  I pull away, not soon enough, and she looking in my eyes. Everything she doing go against all the rules of niggas serving whites. She know she spose to put that glass on the bench, or the window seal, or put it down on these steps, but she put it in my hand.

  “Good evening, ladies.” She step off the porch.

  “Iain trying to start no trouble, Ms. Beaumont. I’m a good girl,” the word “girl” feel strange, wrong, desperate and necessary. “This family business.” I follow her, not too close, on to the back of ‘a automobile.

  “Family business, it is.” She stares at me, while bowing to get in the backseat as Grover holds ‘a door open.

  I know my words, our words, whatever Coley done said, going with ‘a to a place too far to follow, or know how they gone fall.

  “Watch your feet,” she dismisses me, then yells to Grover, “Let’s go.”

  “Please?” I beg, looking in ‘a eyes. I keep holding on to the window frame even when her auto starts moving. I walk with it. “I don’t wont no trouble.”

  “Your face looks like you already found some.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  RECRUITOR

  I’m worried when the sun start getting lazy, and the sky show she tired of shining. Instead of being a ball of fire, she spread out gentle across the sky in soft pinks, yellows and oranges. Bout two o’clock today, she was so bright you could hardly look up at ‘a. Now she being real sociable.

  Me and my sisters sitting on the porch watching ‘a go down. It’s getting late. Ella and Jenny doing needlework while Grit nursing. I’m sanding down this high chair. I’m just trying to keep my mind here, and busy. Coley usually home by now. She said she had a surprise, and she didn’t wont me to come get ‘a from the school house.

  Dust on the road high like a auto coming. We all stop for a minute then keep on between watching it getting closer. Soon as I can make out who coming, I see Coley up front, and a strange man Ion know driving. Fore the car stop, I’ve stopped everything. I’m standing up looking out at ’em.