The Walnuts

by Ronald Zastre

  “You know, Danielle,” John said, “I think everyone is just concerned.”

  “You know, John, you might be able to get a woman if you paid them any attention.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “John, women like to be noticed. They like men that are willing to go the extra mile.”

  “Like Ferkle?” he asked.

  “Don’t “you” start,” she growled. “Ferkle knows a few things you could learn.”

  “John has no need to learn how to clean pools,” said Jed.

  “You know your problem, John?” Danielle was angry. “You think you’re better than everybody. You hang around, never saying much, just watching and adding these little comments and actions, trying to make the rest of us feel inferior.”

  “I’m sorry. That was wrong of me. I was sidestepping an issue.”

  “John, you’re showing some emotion,” Danielle said. “It’s not like you.”

  “I have something to say, that’s all.”

  “Okay, what’s on your mind?”

  “Someday you will be the queen of this ranch,” he stated.

  “Yes, I suppose. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Ferkle will be king.”

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous.” Danielle laughed. “What makes you think that?”

  “He told me.”

  Chapter 21

  “John just told me he’s leaving in the morning,” Heather said, walking into the family room with John, her arm through his. Jed and Martha were sitting at the table, playing gin. Wanda was standing at the kitchen sink.

  “So?” said Martha. “Our lives won’t be any better, or any worse, with his absence.”

  “Grandma, what a horrible thing to say!” she said sadly. “John’s almost become one of us, and I will miss him.”

  “Baah, a Walnut never has to hide anything. This guy”—she pointed at John—“is ducking something.”

  “Mother, you don’t know that,” said Wanda.

  “I know what I see,” she snorted, “and he’s never been square with us.”

  Jed got up from his seat and put his hand on John’s shoulder. “John was simply interested in us, and didn’t feel that his past was of importance.”

  “Baah, I’m telling you this guy is hiding something,” she said again.

  “Like what, Mother?” asked Wanda.

  “You know those people that are living a normal life, and bingo, suddenly they’re discovered? They turn out to be a criminal hiding from their past,” Martha explained.

  “Oh, Mother, you’re always so melodramatic,” said Danielle from the family room.

  “What did you do during the war, John?”

  “The war?”

  “Yeah, the war,” she said quickly. “I’ll bet you went to Canada or something like that.”

  “I’ve never been to Canada.”

  “Just because you say it, don’t make it so,” she declared. “Like I said before, we’ll be no better or worse off when you’re gone.”

  “Actually, that’s a compliment coming from a tyrant like you,” said Danielle.

  “What do you mean by that?” shouted Martha.

  “A neutral response from you is a compliment. If there were any real issues with John, we’d hear about it.”

  Everyone was silent for a moment.

  “If I was really a tyrant,” Martha finally said, “I’d have you all drug out and shot.”

  She turned to John. “You’re a bum, John. I’ve never seen you do a lick of work.”

  “Mother, don’t be so judgmental. You’ve only known him for two weeks,” said Danielle. “And you should talk!”

  “I’ll have you know that raising all you kids was no picnic,” she shot back.

  Danielle laughed. “Mother, your entire life has been one big picnic.”

  “Well, he’s never bought any beer.”

  “He doesn’t drink any.”

  “He sure as hell does!” Martha bellowed. “He got drunk the first time I met him. And we’ve put him up and fed him all this time.”

  “Well, he’s writing our story. I’d think you’d appreciate that.”

  “I haven’t seen that guy write down one damn thing,” Martha said, looking at John. “I can spot a fraud a mile away, and he’s a fraud I tell you.” She gave him the all-knowing look.

  “I would think so,” Jed added quickly, “considering you’ve attracted enough of them.”

  “Well, you can include yourself in there, Nut Head.”

  “What? I’m the one that’s responsible for the luxurious life you’ve been able to lead.”

  “Luxurious!” screeched Martha. “You call this luxurious? I’ll have you know that there are men that would have taken care of me in a much better manner than I’ve had to endure. And been grateful!”

  “Yeah, they’ve all been grateful all right,” he said, starting to walk away. “Grateful when you came back here.”

  “Grandpa,” Heather shouted at his retreating figure. “That’s mean.”

  Danielle was laughing at the comment.

  “That old fool begged me to come back every time. Don’t let him fool you,” stated Martha.

  “Mother, you two were made for each other. I doubt that there is anyone that could tolerate living with either one of you.”

  “Oh, you should talk,” said Martha. “It’s hard to figure out which way the men in your life are moving the quickest—trying to get into your knickers or trying to get out the door.”

  Heather laughed. “God! I wish that was true, but they all hang around way too long.”

  “You don’t, either one of you, know what you’re talking about,” said Danielle. “My relationships are no different than anybody else’s.”

  “Christ, there’s so many of them, you can’t even count, and you think that’s normal?” said Martha. “The Nut Head and I have been together for over forty years now.”

  “Like I said, no one—”

  “You hush! I’ve stayed on for the good of you kids,” said Martha.

  “Mother, you’ve walked out the door more than once,” stated Danielle.

  “And I’ve always come back.”

  “Because Dad always went and brought you back.”

  “I resent the implications!” Martha shouted. “And you couldn’t possibly understand the longevity of a real relationship. And let me tell you something else—”

  “Hey,” said Danielle, “Blythe is great this time of year. Let’s all take a drive to the river.”

  Martha glared at her. “I’m happy right here,” she snarled.

  “Oh, shut up, both of you!” cried Heather. “I know one thing—when I get married, it will be for good. I don’t want to be like either one of you. All you ever think about is yourselves!”

  “You think you’re so smart. Wait until you have to deal with someone long-term!” said Danielle.

  “Mother, all you attract is emotional adolescents.”

  “Can it, snot. You don’t know diddly.”

  “Not! Oh, Mother, every guy you’ve ever been with is so childish.”

  “They are not!”

  “That would be Bob,” said Martha.

  “Mother, they always behave badly,” said Heather, “and when you’re breaking up with them, they really go cuckoo!”

  “Bob again,” said Martha.

  “Will you hush up?” Danielle told Martha, and then turned to Heather. “That’s because they realize what they are going to have to live without.”

  “No, it’s because they’re all crazy to begin with,” Heather said. “You pick the men that are half nuts, and then you finish them off.”

  “Bob again!” shouted Martha.

  Danielle glared at Martha, and then turned back to Heather. “Hush, you little snot. You don’t know anything about relationships.”

  “Not! I know what I see. What do you think, John?”

  “I’d rather not comment,” John replied sheepishly.

&nb
sp; “See, John’s not stupid. He thinks the same thing.”

  “I didn’t say that,” said John.

  “Yes, you did! You refuse to say anything because you know it’s the truth,” said Heather.

  “I don’t want to offend anyone.”

  “Ha, see?” shouted Heather. “John doesn’t want to offend you, Mother. Any man would have to be out of his gourd to get involved with you, and John, being the nice alien he is, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

  “John doesn’t know squat,” Danielle said.

  “Mother! You have all these men after you, and you end up with the one that goes completely overboard, and is the biggest pain in the ass! They are all suffering from an inferiority complex, and they are never comfortable—and certainly not normal.”

  “Pool Booy!” Wanda shouted, beating Martha to the punch.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  “What do you think?” Jed asked John.

  John hesitated again.

  “Yeah, John,” said Danielle, “come on. You’re supposed to be perfect. Let’s hear your opinion.”

  “He’s far from perfect,” Martha added.

  “Well, come on, John,” said Jed. “You’re a Walnut in training, a position rarely attained, so tell us what you’ve learned so far.”

  John looked around. The Walnuts were waiting for something.

  John looked to Wanda, who said, “Come on, John. I’ve trained you the best I could.”

  John smiled at her and nodded his head in agreement.

  He turned to Danielle and took a deep breath. “It seems that you allow men to pick you, not the other way around. That might be the cause of your difficultly.”

  “What the hell do you know?” Danielle growled.

  “I’ve seen some of your male friends, and they exhibit extreme, often unrealistic, behavior to possess you. It’s a common occurrence with these types of men. You might not take notice because you’re used to it.”

  “Bob and Poool Booy!” everyone said in amazing unison.

  Danielle stood glaring.

  “Actually, Poool Booy called this morning,’’ Jed said flatly.

  “Oh, geez, what time was that?” asked Danielle.

  “About seven.”

  “Thanks for not waking me up.”

  “He didn’t want to talk to you.” Jed’s tone was still low-key.

  “Well, what did he want then?”

  “He wanted to assure me,” Jed said, smirking, “that we wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore. That he’s going to take care of you in a manner that you deserve.”

  Danielle giggled. “Oh, how sweet!”

  “Sounds good to me,” Martha scoffed. “And we won’t have to go far to see you.”

  “Why do you say that?” asked Wanda.

  “Because, according to Pool Boy, she’ll be living right next door on that great big ranch he’s building.”

  “I hope she can get used to living in a cardboard box,” Jed said, getting up.

  *

  “You definitely have to go?” Danielle asked John. They were sitting down at the lake.

  “Yes.”

  “Will we ever see you again?”

  “It’s not likely,” he said quietly.

  “How can you be so smug? Don’t the last couple of weeks mean anything to you?” Danielle was angry.

  “They mean a great deal to me.” John turned and looked at her.

  “But, yet, you can just walk away and not look back?”

  “I still have to write the book. I will be thinking about you all constantly for a long time to come.”

  “Why don’t you just stay?”

  “I can’t, I already explained that.”

  “Well, then come back when you can.”

  “I can’t.”

  “And you can’t explain why?”

  John was silent.

  “What did you expect to do here, John?” Danielle asked meanly, getting to her feet.

  “I don’t know what you mean?”

  “You figured that you’d sneak into someone’s life, take what you wanted, and then disappear?” she said with her hands on her hips, glaring down at him.

  “It looks like I’ve done that?”

  “John, it doesn’t just look like it. That’s exactly what you’re doing.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sorry too, sorry for you. The Walnuts rarely let someone into our inner circle. It’s an honor, you know, and you’re blowing it!”

  Danielle walked away, having said her piece.

  *

  John stood on the porch, looking out over the lake.

  “She really cares about you.”

  John turned to see Martha standing in the doorway.

  “It seems that way,” he said.

  “You don’t share her feelings?” Martha was not looking for an altercation, but was being sincere.

  “I do, but I made a mistake—”

  “And got a little too involved,” she added. “And before you knew it, it was a problem.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “It’s the same thing the Walnuts do over and over and over. We can’t resist having a little fun, but when it comes time to pay the price, we flee. I guess you made the grade, Space John.”

  Martha walked back into the house, leaving him on the porch by himself. He turned to the Northwest and looked at the sky, toward home.

  Chapter 22

  The next morning John was up early, standing down at the lake watching the ducks. Jed went out onto the porch and saw him down at the water. He walked down to him.

  “Camper just called. He’ll be here about noon to pick you up.”

  “Thank you.”

  Jed stood there watching the same ducks. “I guess there isn’t much to say.”

  “Yeah.” John sighed. “I don’t know where I would start.”

  “Oh, John, don’t take it so serious. You came, did your thing, and now it’s time to go. You don’t owe anybody any explanations. We enjoyed your company, you enjoyed ours. It couldn’t have gone any better as far as Martha and I are concerned. If there is ever a chance that you get to come back, you know where you’re welcome,” Jed said and walked away.

  *

  John stayed down at the lake for a long time, thinking about the Walnuts and how to tell the story. He finally went back to the house because Camper would be coming soon. The only one in the family room was Wanda.

  “Got it all figured out?” Wanda asked him.

  “Not even close.”

  “Good. I hate to think that someone could ever be at peace with their surroundings.”

  “You don’t think it’s possible?”

  “I don’t know what it’s like where you call home, but not here.”

  John nodded.

  “Danielle’s really pissed at you, by the way.”

  “I feel really bad about that.”

  “Don’t.”

  “But—”

  “But what?” exclaimed Wanda. “She’s pissed that she can’t get you to chase her skirt. It’s about time she got interested in something solid. I know I’m guilty of the same thing. We’re both just like Mother, except Mother got extremely lucky and snagged Dad. Danielle and I just get stuck with the leftovers.”

  “Where is she?”

  “She went home.”

  “Will you tell her goodbye for me?”

  “You should do that yourself.”

  The doorbell for the backdoor rang, and Wanda got up and went to the hall, looking down it. “What do you want?” she yelled at the tall, good-looking Ray Camper standing behind the screen door.

  “I’m here to get John Helms,” he said.

  “Come on in.” She turned to John. “Your ride’s here.”

  Martha and Jed came down the great hall, arriving at the intersection at the same time as Camper.

  “Well, hey there, jackass!” Martha said sharply to Camper “I don�
��t really care to see your sorry butt again, especially now that you’re here to drag John off.”

  “You’ve taken a liking to John?” Camper asked.

  “What? You thought it was our shortcomings that came between us?” said Martha. “No, Ray, it was your lousy approach!”

  “I’m glad to see you’re feeling well,” Camper shot back at her, then looked at John. “How did you manage to get around Martha’s two options?”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” asked Martha.

  “It’s either your way or hell to pay,” said Camper.

  Jed was standing right behind Martha and started laughing. Martha turned and glared at him.

  “How you doing, Camper?” Jed said, still chuckling.

  “Pretty good, Jed.”

  Wanda looked intently at Camper and said, “Hey, you’re damn good-looking. I could use an alien for myself.”

  Camper shot John a concerned look.

  “They’re convinced I’m from a different planet,” said John with a shrug.

  “Hell,” Camper responded, “if I didn’t know better, and had just met you, I’d probably think the same thing.”

  “Oh, give it up, you two,” said Martha. “I really don’t care what the hell your stories are. If you haven’t enough respect for us to tell the truth, then I’m glad you’re out of our lives.” Martha turned on her heel and went back down the hall, never looking back.

  “You heading back home too?” Wanda asked Camper.

  “No, I’m here for quite a while.”

  “Interesting,” said Wanda.

  “We have to leave, John. We’ve got a lot of driving to do,” Camper said quickly.

  *

  Jed was on his four-wheeler down at Harold’s gate. He was talking to Harold when Camper’s car came toward them.

  “He’s leaving?” asked Harold.

  “Yeah, going home,” Jed said kind of sadly.

  “He ever tell you where he was from?” asked Harold.

  “No, but I figured it out.”

  Camper’s car approached and slowed. The driver’s window slid down. John leaned over to the driver’s side. “Really gonna miss you, Jed.”

  “Remember, John, you always have a place,” Jed shouted as the car rolled by. “Don’t be a stranger, Camper!”

  The car sped up, leaving Ranch de Los Retardos behind.

  “Goddamn, Jed,” complained Harold, “you get all the good ones.”

  “I thought you’d be glad to see our place clear out,” Jed said, watching the car reach the end of the lane and turn onto the main road.

  “Hell no! A guy that could be an alien, a woman that could be a countess . . . and you get up early in the morning to burn a crop of marijuana. The list goes on and on. Madeline and I can’t ever best that.”

  “Really?” Jed looked at Harold. “Tell you what. The next batch of looneys that comes through our gate, we’re sending to you.”