They were all happy to meet Taryn, and she felt welcomed by their acceptance and positivity. The group was mostly young—early to mid thirties, except for Lucas who looked to be late forties—and very lively. It was almost like getting together with a group of old friends she hadn’t seen in a long time. They made it easy for Taryn to feel comfortable.
“Here we go,” said Dev, setting down a big plate of barbecue chicken pieces he had just removed from the grill. “Dig in, folks.” And they all eagerly did.
“Whoa,” said Justine, taking a few pieces onto her plate. “I’m ready. This looks awesome, Dev.” Dev tipped his non-existent hat to her.
“Hey Taryn,” he said. “You should try some of my beer.” Dev motioned to a clear growler bottle filled with the light ale sitting on the table. “I use hops that we grow here.”
“All right,” said Taryn with a smile. Reaching out, she took the growler and put some in a small glass. “Do you want some?” she asked Alex, who was sitting next to her.
“No thank you,” Alex said with a smile.
“It’s good,” said Taryn, hoisting her glass in Dev’s direction after taking a sip.
“Huzzah!” said Dev, holding a pair of tongs in the air as he walked back toward the grill. A few people laughed.
“We’re so happy to have you here, Taryn,” said Penny, her hand resting on her belly. “We love having guests.”
“Thank you,” said Taryn. “That’s very kind.”
“It’s cool that Alex met you through a customer,” said Justine. “I don’t think most customers would care to drive out here to see the farm.”
“We did have that one dude come by,” corrected Astrid. “Remember? He wouldn’t shut up about double-yoke duck eggs.” The group laughed.
“Oh yeah,” said Justine. “He was a trip.”
“I think he couldn’t believe they were such a common thing,” said Alex. “He was like, ‘these are all double-yoke? This one? This one?’” They all laughed again.
“One egg can make one omlette!” Scotty teased, mimicking the guy they were all talking about.
Taryn just sat and smiled, listening to the friends all have their fun.
“Well, hopefully we don’t put Taryn off,” said Dev, coming back around and sitting next to Penny. “And we lose her company as a customer.” Dev and Penny kissed.
“Oh no,” said Taryn with a smile. “I’m really impressed with your hospitality. And with the entire farm. It’s great out here.”
“We’ll see how you feel after a whole weekend,” said Scotty.
“I think she’ll manage,” said Alex with a smile, rubbing Taryn’s arm up and down. Taryn returned her new friend’s smile.
After the group had dinner, they all broke off and took care of cleaning tasks. The only one who didn’t clean up was Penny. She stayed at the picnic table and drank an iced tea. Taryn took Penny’s usual cleaning spot, joining up with Alex and washing dishes in the house kitchen. Together, the group made short work of their duties, and before Taryn knew it everybody had split apart to continue on with their evenings. Alex assured her they’d see everybody again.
“I didn’t know what to expect,” said Taryn as she followed Alex inside of her yurt. Taryn had her bag with her, and she dropped it down onto the ground in the designated living area next to a chair. “I just have this image of farmers in my mind, but I guess it’s always… much older people.”
“Right,” said Alex with a laugh. “Farmers do start off young once.”
“So stupid, right?” Taryn said, shaking her head.
“It’s not stupid,” said Alex. “I think most people see farmers like you see them. We’re out of the ordinary around these parts, anyway. You’d encounter a lot of your stereotypical farmers if you visited some of the other farms in the area. All nice people, though. It’s a good community.”
“Well, whatever you have going on here,” said Taryn with a smile. “It’s nice.”
“Thanks,” said Alex as she filled a glass of water from her sink and took a drink. Taryn watched her with curiosity. She wasn’t sure how to proceed or what to expect. This experience was out of the ordinary for her, and it made her feel a little bit lost.
“So what else do you all do?” asked Taryn. “I mean, it’s a Friday night. For me, usually, I might go out for a drink or a meal with a friend. Or open a bottle of wine at home and watch some television. That doesn’t really seem like a thing you would do out here.”
“There will probably be a bonfire going in a bit,” said Alex. “So we could go to that. A usual Friday for me, I suppose, is hanging out for a bit at the fire or maybe doing some yoga or meditating, read a book. Probably not that exciting for you.”
“No, it is exciting,” countered Taryn. “It sounds very relaxing. More relaxing than plopping down in front of the TV, which—I admit—I’m getting a bit sick of.” Alex smiled knowingly.
“All right,” said Alex. “Oh,” she said suddenly, holding up a finger. “If you want, we can go make up a bed for you in the house. It might be a little quiet, because you’d be the only one sleeping there, but you might enjoy that.”
“If it’s all right,” said Taryn. “I’d like to maybe give sleeping in a yurt a try.”
“Yeah?” said Alex. “Okay. I have a camping sleeping pad around here somewhere,” she said, beginning to look around. “You can take my bed, and I’ll sleep on the pad with a sleeping bag.”
“Oh no,” said Taryn. “I’ll take the sleeping bag, and you stay in your own bed. I don’t want to impose like that.”
“It’s fine,” Alex said, waving her off. “I don’t mind it at all.”
“Really,” countered Taryn once again. “I couldn’t kick you out of your own bed.”
“Hmm,” said Alex, still looking for the rolled up inflatable pad. “I’m not sure where it is right now. Maybe Scotty has it.”
“We can figure it out later,” Taryn said with a smile.
“I’ll ask him at the fire,” said Alex.
Taryn nodded in agreement, still smiling. Being in the yurt with Alex as the night approached, this felt like an adventure. Taryn hadn’t had this kind of adventure in a long time.
The bonfire pit was larger than Taryn had expected. It was a hole dug into the earth, maybe six or seven feet in diameter, with a hodgepodge of bricks and paver stones used to build its perimeter. Beyond that, there were a number of rustic benches made out of fallen logs. Seats had been carved with a chainsaw into the wood. The fire crackled and flickered its way into the night sky, a clear vision of so many more stars than Taryn was used to seeing. The temperature had dropped but it was still comfortable to be out in shorts and a t-shirt. It was the perfect night.
Scotty and Dev hung together around one side of the fire, having a conversation and tending to the blaze. Penny was absent, as was Astrid. Justine and Lucas were having their own conversation on one of the benches. And on the opposite side of the fire were Taryn and Alex. The groups were separated, yet together. Everything was nice and calm.
“I guess I’m just at an impasse,” said Taryn. “I thought life would be more than this. I thought that if I put in all this effort, and I made all this money, and I got these things… I thought that would be fulfilling. I thought I’d feel really good about it. But now I just have anxiety and a restlessness I can’t put my finger on.”
“I know,” said Alex. “It’s rough. They tell you you’ll find happiness in all that, but it’s just not true for everybody.”
“Maybe not true for anybody,” said Taryn. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah, I don’t know either,” said Alex. “But it just seems like such an empty life to be on that track—to me, anyway. When I was doing all that, I felt so lonely. When I made the changes in my life, when I hooked up with this group and moved here, I just don’t feel lonely anymore. There’s always someone to talk to or share with. I’m not stuck in my apartment all alone.”
“I guess when I was younger I’d go out more than I do n
ow,” said Taryn. “It was easier back then. Fewer and fewer people want to go out with me anymore. I understand. They have their families and their own priorities. I feel like I missed some of that.”
“You know, isn’t it strange that for most people, to go out and be social, it means spending money?” said Alex. “Like, you go out to eat or to a bar or a club or whatever. It’s not like that out here. Out here a few of us might go on a hike together or play guitar and sing or just walk around the farm and talk. Before Penny got as pregnant as she is now, she and I were doing partner yoga. It’s a lot of fun.”
“It does seem like a bit of a trap that to be social, you need to spend money,” Taryn agreed. “I never thought of it like that before.”
“I had just grown so tired of that life,” said Alex. Reaching into her back pocket, Alex retrieved a small ornate metal case. She cracked it open and inside there were a few thin hand-rolled cigarettes. Taryn looked at it and raised a brow.
“Is that…?”
“Just a little bit of weed,” Alex replied with a smile. She put one of the rollies between her lips and lit it with a small white plastic lighter. “It’s not that strong. We grow it here.”
“Oh,” said Taryn, suddenly feeling a bit nervous.
“Do you want to try some?” Alex asked, holding in a hit. After a moment she exhaled the white smoke and waved it away with her hand.
“I don’t know,” Taryn replied. “I haven’t really smoked that since I was in college.”
“It’s legal here now,” said Alex. “You don’t have to be worried or anything. But I understand if you don’t want to smoke. It’s no problem.” She smiled and took another hit. The ember at the tip of the joint burned fast.
“I’ll take a little bit,” agreed Taryn. Alex nodded and passed her the joint. Looking at it for a moment, as though she were trying to figure it out, Taryn then put it between her lips and she took a drag. It burned a little in her throat, but it had a nice flavor. She didn’t hold the smoke in very long before she released it.
“Hey,” said Dev, appearing almost out of nowhere. “Mind if I get some of that?”
“Here,” said Alex, opening up her case in Dev’s direction. Dev smiled and took one of the thin joints.
“An Alex pinner,” proclaimed Dev, looking at the thin cigarette. “Thanks.”
“Need a lighter?” Alex asked.
“Nope,” said Dev. “Thank you, though.” Putting the joint in his mouth, Dev walked off and made his way back over toward Scotty.
“So he just comes over to get a joint from you and walks off?” said Taryn. “Isn’t that kind of a jerk move?” Alex laughed and took another hit of the joint she had been passing with Taryn.
“No,” said Alex. “We’re not in short supply of it. And we share most everything around here. It’s a family.”
“Hmm,” mused Taryn, thinking about the exchange.
“It’s about changing your frame of mind from seeing things as scarce to seeing things as abundant,” said Alex. “We live in a world of abundance but we think everything is scarce. We’re really fortunate to be where we are and have so much. I like to practice gratitude for all the abundance in my life.”
“This is nice,” Taryn said absently, taking another toke. She could feel herself becoming delightfully lightheaded. Alex looked at her and smiled happily.
“Do you have any close friends?” Alex asked.
“I don’t know anymore,” admitted Taryn. “I used to. But I’m at this age where everybody’s doing their thing. I find myself relating less and less to people at work. It’s so weird to say, but I’m really starting to feel like an outcast. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“That’s perfectly fine,” said Alex. “I think a lot of people go through that at some point.”
“It’s just a bit isolating,” Taryn said. Alex could tell this train of thought was taking Taryn down, so she reached over and rubbed her back delicately.
“Don’t worry,” said Alex. “You’re going to be all right.”
Taryn smiled softly, holding back the tears.
The evening continued on around the bonfire. Dev and Scotty came by where Taryn and Alex sat and talked for a while. It was easy to laugh around them, and Taryn found herself having more fun than she was used to having. Her experience with most people was of a more serious nature, mostly at work, and this night out on the farm was a breath of fresh air—both literally and figuratively. When Dev and Scotty moved on, walking over toward where Lucas and Justine were, Taryn looked after them with a contented smile on her face. It was nice to be social with good, fun-loving people.
And when Taryn looked at Alex, she could feel herself becoming infatuated with her. Alex was intelligent and pretty, laid back yet accomplished. But Taryn got down on herself when she thought about whether or not Alex might reciprocate the feelings. Taryn was so straight-laced, so corporate, living a life so different than how Alex lived. Why would Alex, a free-spirit who knew who she was, be interested in a woman like Taryn?
The fire died down, and Scotty eventually put it out. Everybody wished each other good night and they made their way off to their beds. Taryn and Alex sauntered alongside one another, heading to Alex’s yurt, their conversation about life and everything else continuing on as it had. The smell of campfire still lingered in the air. Taryn didn’t want the evening to end.
But it did end. It ended with the two women in Alex’s bed under a thin blanket in the dark of the yurt. The dome at the top of the yurt let in the slightest amount of starlight, allowing Taryn to still be able to make out the shapes and locations of the various furniture and such throughout Alex’s home. It was calm and it was quiet. It felt both strange and oddly comforting to Taryn at the same time.
Taryn wanted so badly to reach out to Alex, to wrap her arms around her and to cuddle against her. Being this close to such a beautiful woman—lying next to her in her bed—it filled Taryn with longing and desire. In the dark, Taryn could see Alex’s face. Her eyes were closed, she was smiling blithely. It was obvious that Alex was a happy woman, and Taryn wanted that feeling for herself as well. She wanted to share her own happiness with someone like Alex. It just felt so far off.
The rest of the weekend was magical for Taryn. To see how this group of friends lived on the farm, it made her feel envious for what they had. Although they had put her to work, they had cut her a lot of slack. She harvested some flowers with Alex, she plucked some eggs from the chicken coops with Justine, and she even tried her hand with an axe and chopped a bit of wood with Scotty. It was like a working vacation, even if it was only for the weekend, and when Taryn went home on Sunday and collapsed onto her couch, she had a new outlook on things.
There was a different life out there. And maybe it was a life that Taryn was more suited to than the one she had been living.
Two
Back at work the next week, Taryn couldn’t focus. Even though she had only spent two nights at Alex’s farm, it almost felt as though she had been away for an eternity. The figures and icons on her monitor felt foreign to her. The relative silence in the office was more deafening than the calm, natural silence out in the country. Being back at work made her more anxious than ever, and she felt trapped by it. Taryn felt like she was stuck there and there was nothing she could do about it.
“Did you hear me?” Ethan said, looking to Taryn with an annoyed expression.
“What?”
“I said we need to readjust our positions with the University’s pension fund,” said Ethan. “Jens’ model gave us an incorrect output yesterday, and he’s working to fix it.”
“Oh,” said Taryn. “Okay.”
“Are you okay?” Ethan asked. “You seem completely out of it.”
“I’m fine,” Taryn replied. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Okay,” replied Ethan skeptically.
None of this made sense anymore to Taryn. She had spent her entire adult life working toward this moment, being in this po
sition, and it felt meaningless. It felt as though she had wasted years of her time. Was this where she had hoped to be as she approached forty years old? In an office full of people who didn’t really care about her beyond her ability to generate wealth for them? There, sitting in front of her computer displaying all the various movements of the stock market, Taryn was beginning to lose it. She could feel something happening inside. It felt like she was dying, in a way, like everything she knew was dissolving. She felt like the world she had constructed for herself was made of loose stone, stone that was now crumbling all around her.
Taryn stood up from her chair without another word and she walked away from her desk. Ethan looked at her with confusion as she disappeared down a hallway.
Approaching an open office door, Taryn knocked on the door and stepped inside without waiting for a response. Inside the office, behind a large desk, was Jens at his own computer. He looked up when he saw Taryn enter.
“Did Ethan tell you about the miscalculation?” Jens asked in his accent. “We must rebalance the University’s pension fund before it drops any further.”
“Yeah, that’s not what I’m here about,” said Taryn, moving closer to Jens’ desk. She remained standing, perched behind the guest chair and gripping to the back of it. “I need to take a leave of absence.”
“What are you saying?” said Jens. “That makes no sense.”
“I’m saying that I need to take a leave of absence,” Taryn repeated. “Some time off.”
“I understand what it means,” Jens said. “There is no way. You are integral to our operation and this is not some university where you can take a sabbatical.”
“Vacation time, then,” Taryn said. “I have accrued PTO and I want to use it.”
“You can take a few days off, Taryn,” said Jens. “But I don’t know what more you expect. We have too much to do.”
Taryn was getting dizzy and feeling faint. She put her hand to her head and tried to regain her bearings. She hadn’t exactly thought this through, and what Jens was saying was correct. Still, Taryn felt like if she couldn’t get some distance from this job, she was going to go mad. Her mental health was at stake here, and it was quickly deteriorating in this environment.
Flower Power Page 5
