I know I should also be a little upset with Stephen. If he really did care about Taylor as I felt he did, then he shouldn’t have let anyone or anything, not even Aiden, come between what he had with Taylor. They were just starting out. If Stephen wanted to be sure that Taylor cared about him, he could have just asked. He didn’t have to put a whole ocean in between them. And Taylor’s shy anyway. She was always insecure about how he felt, despite reassurance from both Hannah and me. But it was obvious just how crazy Stephen was about her. And Taylor would have come around sooner or later. It isn’t like she purposefully strings guys along; she just wants to be sure, is all.
And now she would never be sure. She and Stephen would never be, thanks to some heartless, pompous asshole who thought he knew everything but didn’t know anything.
And I had nearly allowed myself to believe that he could be someone that I could like.
After this trip, I would never have to deal with him. And I would never tell Taylor. Or Hannah. This secret would stay with me, the ghosts, and the island.
But if he’s so against Stephen and Taylor, then why is he being agreeable with me? He’s not suddenly Mr. Sunshine or anything, but his snarky comments have been on the minimal side, and there were a few moments when he made me smile and vice versa. And then there was that moment when he rode a Ferris wheel with me, despite the fact that he has a fear of heights, and I held his hand. And he won me a stupid bear that means more to me than I planned for. And for the past few days, I couldn’t get him off of my mind no matter how much I tried.
How could he do something so horrible to my sister and then be nice to me? Is this some sort of sick game, or is he so arrogant he doesn’t think he did anything wrong? I can’t even give him the benefit of the doubt either. He’s just a bastard. There’s no other way to explain it.
“Marion?”
Shit. Shit.
Apparently, the downpour isn’t scaring off everyone. But really, out of all the people who don’t care about getting wet, does it really have to be the one man whom I will loathe for the rest of my life?
I turn and inhale sharply. I may hate him, but that can’t stop me from being physically attracted to the guy. He’s drenched, which surprises me. Whatever’s on his mind must have been important enough for him to actually get wet. His dark hair is even darker, clinging to his face for dear life. This just makes his blue eyes pop even more, and they’re looking at me with that same enigmatic glint, and yet there’s a vulnerability in them that I’ve never seen before.
I hate him and yet I still find myself responding to him, which makes me hate him—and myself—even more.
“Yeah?” I ask, my voice just above a whisper.
I’m not exactly sure what he wants and I hope that everyone back home is okay. I mean, the only person who would call him before me would be Hannah, but then again, I had turned off my phone so my exploration of the historic prison wouldn’t be interrupted a modern piece of technology. But something inside me tells me no one’s hurt and nothing bad has happened. The ferry isn’t due for another half hour, so he’s not coming to fetch me. No. He wants to tell me something, and for the life of me, I can’t even imagine what that might be.
“I—” He stops himself and takes a step forward, his eyes everywhere but on me. “I’ve been tormented these past few months. Do you realize that you’ve consistently been on my mind every day and every night since the first moment I saw you? I came to San Francisco not to visit with my aunt or my cousin, but to see you. I had to see you. I’ve been trying to rationalize my feelings in regards to you, and yet, no matter what I say, I can’t seem to get over it. Despite my best judgment, despite what’s best for my family, despite the fact that you were born to a middle-class family in America, I still find myself consumed by you. Only you. I’ve set aside all rationale and ask you that you assist in ridding me of this torment; that you will agree to be with me.”
I open my mouth, the gravity of his words causing shock to course through my system.
“I don’t understand,” I finally say, hoping that maybe this will buy me some more time because, really, I don’t need this right now.
“I love you,” he tells me, taking another step towards me. Now we are less than a foot apart, and if I stand still enough, I can feel his breath touch my cheek. “As crazy as it is to believe, I find that I’m in love with you.”
Oh.
Well.
What can I say? It’s everything I want to hear and yet everything I don’t.
“Um….” I force myself to look him in the eyes. “I didn’t know….” I push my lips together, finding that while Aiden doesn’t like to walk up hills or wait in lines, he doesn’t seem too perturbed at waiting for my response. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
What else can I say?
“Is that all you have to say?” he asks after a moment of silence has passed between us. It’s cold and I can see his breath form around the words.
“Yes.”
I could tell him how much I hate him. I could even lead him on and break his heart the way he broke Taylor’s. But I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to do anything. Maybe it’s because I’m numb, or maybe it’s because there’s so much on my mind that I can’t actually think of these diabolical plans, but it’s not in me to hurt him.
“Are you…is this some kind of a joke?”
Is he serious? Has he never been rejected before?
“No.”
“Are you rejecting me?”
Ah. So it is that he’s never been rejected. I’m flattered that I get to be his first.
“I’m sure that it’ll be relatively easy to set aside your feelings for me and get over it,” I tell him, trying to hold on to my last shred of patience.
I thought this would be easy; he would take my “no” and get on with it. But of course, nothing is ever easy with Aiden Shawe.
“So you’re rejecting me,” Aiden says. “Is there a reason you’re doing so in such a rude manner?”
Um, excuse me? Did he hear what he just said to me?
“Excuse me for being rude,” I say, my voice getting tighter and tighter with every word that comes out of my mouth. “I guess it’s just a bad reaction to being told you love me even though you believed it wasn’t logical. What did you call it? ‘Crazy.’ You said it was crazy for someone like you to love someone like me.” I bristle, but maybe I’m shivering due to the cold. I don’t know. “It would be one thing if I was some kind of bitch, but I’m not. And you know I have other reasons to detest you for the rest of my being.”
“And they are?” Aiden asks, perking his brow.
“You don’t remember breaking my sister’s heart by feeding Stephen some bullshit about Taylor’s feelings for him in order to separate the two of them?” I ask him.
“I remember.” He nods his head once, his eyes never leaving my own. It’s like he’s not even ashamed of it either.
“How could you do something like that?” I hate that my voice cracks just a little, but it doesn’t matter. Not if I get some kind of answer from him.
“She didn’t seem taken with him as he was with her.”
“That’s because she’s shy!” I exclaim, exasperated. “But you didn’t know that. You didn’t even take the time to get to know Taylor. You just thought that your judgment was infinitely better than those who were actually involved in the relationship.” I pause and clench my teeth. “You thought she was a gold digger, didn’t you?”
“I would never say that about your sister,” Aiden says, his voice so forceful that I find I could believe him.
“And George?” It is dangerous territory, but I have to know. “What have you to say about George?”
“George?” he asks sharply, spitting out the name. Aiden takes another step towards me so our bodies are mere centimeters apart. “Why are you so interested in George?”
“He told me about what you did to him.”
“Did he?” He looks away out at sea before look
ing back at me. “So this is it? This is what you think of me? Well, thank you. You know, we might have worked everything out if your pride hadn’t been injured by my honesty about the difficulties of our relationship.”
“My pride?”
“Do you really think I’d be jumping for joy that you’re on a completely different level from me?” he asks. “You’re beneath me in education and wealth and even civility. Why would I be happy about that?”
I exhale, suddenly aware that I can feel once again. Except now I’m feeling a sharp, stabbing motion right around the center of my heart.
“Thank you, Aiden Shawe,” I whisper, not caring one way or the other if he can hear me, “for making me realize that you are the very last person on this entire planet that I would ever consider actually starting some form of a relationship with.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” he says, and suddenly, his eyes drop to my lips and he tilts his head down. I want to stop myself, but I can’t, and my eyes, too, drop to look at his lips; is it my imagination or are they moving closer to mine? I shouldn’t want to kiss him, but I can’t help but want to. But instead of kissing me, he says, “I’ve wasted your time.”
And then he turns and leaves me standing there in the rain with soaking clothes and a broken heart, even though I can’t, for the life of me, comprehend how he managed to get the power to break it in the first place.
Chapter 14
I can’t sleep, but then again, what do I expect?
Aiden Douchebag Shawe just confessed he’s in love with me. And here I thought that he didn’t like me. That I was too American, too poor, too barbaric. And he seems to think so too, because apparently he had to push that all aside to come to terms with his feelings for me.
Did he really think I would throw my arms around him and promise him a happily ever after? After everything he said about me? After what he did not only to Taylor but to his best friend as well? And what he did to George in college and here, preventing him from coming to the New Year’s party?
Aiden Shawe thinks that he’s right about everything and acts according to his beliefs, even if he doesn’t know anything. He’s selfish, and takes and takes and takes without giving anything back.
I’m glad I rejected him. He totally deserves it. I hope he’s in his own room, tossing and turning because he can’t sleep. I hope he’s thinking about his life and realizing what an utter fool he is. And maybe one day he’ll redeem himself with another woman—a woman who is everything Aiden wants her to be and not someone who he’ll settle for. Maybe he’ll change. But I highly doubt it.
Even now, I can remember the look upon his face as we fought. He looked stupefied, as if out of all the possible ways I could respond to his confession of love, rejection wasn’t one of them. What did he think? Why would I be with someone who treats his best friend the way he treated Stephen and George, who didn’t even give a thought to how Taylor would feel? Who knows what he’s done to Hannah in order to quote unquote protect her?
And the thing is, even though I know in my heart that what I did was right, something inside me hurts. I can’t imagine why that is; I never even considered Aiden to be someone I could possibly—
But no. That isn’t true either. If I want to get over this entire mess soon, I should probably be honest with myself. The thing is, I wasn’t and am not in love with him or anything, but after spending the past few days with him, I could see myself loving him. The option that had never crossed my mind before had suddenly become an option. Honestly, Aiden is everything I want in a guy, at least physically. He’s ridiculously tall and he’s fit and he has amazing broad shoulders. And his hand wasn’t clammy when I held it, but surprisingly warm. And even though I can’t decipher his eyes when they’re on me, I kind of was getting used to that and actually found myself liking it. Plus, he has that amazing deep English accent that gives me shivers even now just thinking about it.
I could have loved him. I was on the brink, and instead of falling like he wanted me to, Aiden ended up pushing me away from the cliff. Because now, I don’t think I could ever love him.
Why do all the assholes have to look so damn good? And I knew he was an asshole too, but he managed to trick me and I got suckered in. I’m officially a sucker, one of those girls I never thought I would be. I knew better. How could I let myself almost fall for him? He goes to UCLA! Hello, Ronnie! That should have been a telltale sign! But trying not to like someone based on what school they go to is just as bad as trying not to like someone because they’re from a different country or on a different level, as Aiden so eloquently put it. In some ways, I’m no better than him.
I pull my blankets around my body even tighter. Even though I took a shower after I got back to the hotel, I’m still cold. At least I know there’s a seat on a Southwest flight home waiting for me tomorrow morning. I already called Taylor, and she can pick me up. Of course she wanted to know why I’m cutting my trip short, but I don’t want to talk about it. This is probably how she felt after getting that note from Stephen. When I got off the phone with Taylor, I called Kelly and made up some excuse about my mother needing me home. I knew she didn’t believe me when I told her, but she didn’t call me out either, something else I’m thankful for.
If I hadn’t already packed, I would now, just to get my mind off of Aiden. But it’s no use. I keep going through that moment when he told me that against his better judgment, he’s in love with me. Is he even sure it’s love? How can he possibly be in love with me? We met, like, five times before this trip, and none of them were particularly pleasant. How come it’s believable for characters in my favorite chick flicks to fall in love with the leading man in a week, and I can’t believe some guy can love me even though we’ve known each other for months? Am I really this unromantic? Or, could it be, God forbid, that Aiden and I share the concept of rationality when it concerns relationships?
But that doesn’t make sense either, because love isn’t supposed to make sense.
And suddenly I kind of realize what Taylor meant when she told me that. Love isn’t supposed to make sense.
So then, maybe it’s true. Maybe Aiden really does love me and he has to rationalize it to himself because rationalizing it is the only way for it to make sense to him. But then it comes out all wrong, like it did.
It doesn’t matter though. I can’t teach Aiden something he’s unwilling to even consider learning. And as open-minded as I claim to be, I’m not willing to get over the fact that he broke my sister’s heart and he broke mine. Leaving early is something necessary for me to do, because I can’t see Aiden right now. I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I know it won’t be pretty. And I don’t want to fuck up Kelly’s chances of approval with the dragon.
Plus, I really miss Taylor. And when I’m ready to talk about everything, I know she’ll be there waiting for me. Just not now.
* * *
Because last night was too late and rainy to grab some good ice cream, I decide to order room service for breakfast the next morning. I barely got a wink of sleep and there is no way I’m going to risk running into Aiden until I’m checking out.
I’m about halfway through my pancakes when there’s a knock on my door.
I nearly choke.
As I stand up, I do two things: I check to make sure I have some form of pants on this time, and I send a quick prayer to God, asking that it’s not Aiden at the door. The wound is still new; seeing him would be like kicking me while I’m down.
God answers my prayer because it’s not Aiden. It’s Kelly.
I open the door and offer her a smile that I know doesn’t reach my eyes.
“You don’t have to fake it around me, sweetie,” she says in a gentle voice. Once I close the door, she pulls me into a hug. “Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about whatever happened last night, but I thought I’d offer to take you to the airport.”
“What about Paul and the dragon?” I ask as we break apart.
Kelly shrugs. “I told him I nee
ded to run some important errands while I’m up here,” she says, her hands behind her back. “And anyway, the dragon has her gallery to look after, especially since it barely opened Sunday night, and Paul is at her heels doing everything she asks him to. It’ll be nice to hang out, just us two, even if it is a cab to the airport.”
“You really don’t have to,” I tell her.
“I want to,” she says. “And you flew up here for me. If I can’t do this for you then I’m not that great of a friend.” She pauses, and from the look on her face I know that she has more to say. I’m just not sure what that is. “Here.” She hands me an envelope with my name neatly scrawled across it. “I found this by your door outside.”
I know it’s from Aiden the moment I feel the weight of it in my hands. And even though I want to shred it open and read just what he has to say, I refrain. I slip it into my purse and agree to finish breakfast with Kelly before we have to leave. I don’t want to think about Aiden right now if I don’t have to.
“So,” I say as we take our seats. “How’s the whole dragon thing going? Does she like you? What does Paul think?” Maybe if I get her to focus on her, she won’t focus on the envelope.
Kelly blushes at my onslaught of questions. “Well,” she begins as I take another bite of pancakes. “As crazy as it sounds, I think she likes me. As much as she can like anybody. Monday, Paul told me that things were going excellently. He really is such a great guy, Ronnie.”
I nod and decide to believe her. If someone like Aiden can fall in love with me whether he wants to or not, someone like Paul can actually turn out to be a white knight rather than a scoundrel.
An hour later, I’m standing outside Southwest’s drop-off area at the San Francisco Airport, hugging Kelly as tightly as possible and promising to call her once I land. Once we break apart, I take my luggage and check in, go through security, and wind up on the plane. I grab another aisle seat and relax. My iPod is on and there’s a new Cosmo I just bought resting in my purse, just begging to be read.
Four Sides of an Attitude: A Cufflinks & Austen Novel Page 13
