Grace Lost

by M. Lauryl Lewis

  Chapter 10

   

  I woke feeling cold, stiff, and tired.  I could hear Boggs breathing next to me.  We were both still naked.  The small candle on the vanity had long since burnt itself out and the room was completely dark.  I felt silly doing so, but I felt my wrist to make sure I had a pulse.  Convinced I was still alive, I rolled out of bed and stood.  I felt my way along the edge of the mattress to the headboard, and reached up in search of the drapes covering the small window.  My hand met plywood where the window should be, and I remembered that the glass had been shattered when Boggs had shot through it to save Gus from the zombie in the yard.  

  “Zoe?”  Boggs mumbled from the bed.  “What’s wrong?”   I heard him stretch.

  “I woke up cold,” I said softly. 

  “Come back to bed?” he whispered.  “Please?”  I heard him shuffle in the bed. 

  “It’s so dark in here,” I said.

  “C’mon, Zo, come warm up.”

  I felt my way back along the bed.  Boggs had pulled the covers down for me.  I climbed in and snuggled up next to him, enjoying his warmth.  He pulled the covers over us both. 

  “Boggs?”  I asked in the quiet of the room.

  “Hmm?”  he said sleepily.

  “Have you thought about trying to find your parents?”  I felt him tense.  We hadn’t talked about people dear to us yet.  “Sorry Boggs, I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

  He breathed deeply and I felt his body start to relax.  “It’s ok, Zoe.  I guess we have to talk about stuff like that sooner or later.”   He ran his fingers through my hair.  “I can only hope they’re ok, but I know chances are slim.  Maybe one day we can look for them, but Arizona might as well be the far side of the moon right now.”

  “Wouldn’t it be nice if we got better rules?” I asked.

   “What do you mean?”

  “Zombie rules.  In so many movies and books they either can’t come out in daylight or are slow.  Stuff like that.”

  I felt Boggs laugh silently before he spoke.  “Ya Zoe, better zombie rules would be awesome.”  He turned on his side and kissed me on my nose.

  We heard a knock on the door.  

  “Ya?”  Boggs called out.

  Gus answered.  “You guys ready for the day?  It’s just starting to get light outside and we need to burn those bastards.”

  I groaned, not wanting to get out of the bed that was just starting to feel warm again. 

  “Be right there, Gus,” called Boggs.

  I heard Emilie giggling from the hallway.

  Boggs kissed me on the forehead, then the neck, and then my bare breast.  “I have to go help, Zo.  Do you want to stay here?”

  I shook my head no, and then realized it was too dark for him to see the gesture.  “No, I want to be with all of you.  I can help.”

  “Ok.”  He moved to my other breast, and sucked on it longingly.  I felt desire stirring inside of me and wished Gus wasn’t outside the door.  I wished we didn’t need to get up and go outside.

  There was another knock on the door.  “C’mon, up and at-em,” said Gus.  Boggs groaned against me, and then climbed out of bed.  He stumbled to the vanity and I could hear him searching blindly though one of the drawers.  After a moment his lighter cast the room in a dim glow and he lit a fresh candle.  It wasn’t much to see by, but I pulled the covers up to my neck and clutched them to my chest.  I smiled, seeing that Boggs was physically excited and ready for the morning.  I watched him dress in a pair of old jeans from the armoire.  Whoever had lived here was bigger than him, so the jeans were baggy. 

  “Wearing someone else’s underwear is kind of gross,” he said.

  “At least they’re clean,” I said.  “At least you can hope they are.”

   “Ok, Zoe, get yourself up and dressed.”  He paused in thought.  “That way I can undress you later.”  He grinned at me.

  I smiled back at him.

  “I’ll meet you downstairs,” he said.

  “’Kay.”

  He pulled a t-shirt on and left the room, closing the door behind him.

  I stretched under the covers, dreading getting up and being cold again.  It felt like winter was trying to arrive early.  I found some pink tights in the armoire and slid them on over a pair of men’s underpants.  I still had my bra with me, so put that on next and then used another of the overly large button up shirts that I was becoming accustomed to.  I finished the odd ensemble by pulling a pair of men’s white socks on over the tights.  They came nearly to my knees.  I knew the outfit wasn’t fashionable but hoped it would at least keep me warm.  I blew the candle out and left the room, wondering why a pair of pink tights was in a men’s wardrobe.  Creepy.

  I stopped by the bathroom to tend to morning business.  It was lighter than the bedroom since there was a small un-boarded window and the sun was rising.  I wasn’t ready to look at my hip again, afraid of what I might find.  The pain was less today and I hoped that was a good sign.  I looked in the mirror and was glad I still looked like me, even if I thought I wasn’t much to look at.

  “Zoe?”  I heard Emilie call up to me from downstairs.

  I walked back into the hall.  “I’m coming!”

  I walked quickly down the stairs to join the others. 

  “Morning,” said Emilie with a smile.

  Boggs chuckled.  “I like the outfit, Zo.”

  I curtseyed slightly and said, “why, thank you.”

  The fireplace had been turned back on and the main level of the cabin was warmer than upstairs.  Gus cleared his throat.  “We need to get the bonfire going outside.  I don’t want to risk smoke being seeing all day long.  We can do that then grab a snack for breakfast.  Zoe, I hate to ask, but is your head clear this morning?”

  I looked at him, not understanding.

  “I mean, do you…you know…sense…anything?” he clarified.

  My face grew warm.  I shook my head ‘no.’

  “Ok.  Then here’s the plan.  Boggs and I piled the bodies up in front of the house last night.  The area’s pretty open, so there shouldn’t be too high a risk of the fire spreading.  There’s a bottle of camp stove fuel in the shed, so we’ll use that to ignite it.  We’ll need to add some materials though to keep it burning.  There’s lots of scrap wood near the shed, but we’ll need some paper too.  I’ll grab the trash from last night’s supper.  Y’all ready?”

  “Ya,” said Boggs.

  “Ok, let’s not waste daylight,” said Gus.

  Boggs nodded.  “Let’s do it.”

  The two men climbed out the window in the kitchen first, followed by myself and Emilie.  Being the second one out, Boggs had handed both firearms and the sack of trash out to Gus.  Once outside, the stench from the corpses was unusually sickly sweet, making me gag.  It wasn’t the normal smell of death.   I covered my mouth and nose with the sleeve of my shirt.  I looked around and saw the others had done similarly.  We walked toward the pile of dead bodies, but kept our distance.  Gus left the group to go to the shed and after a couple of minutes emerged with a can of fuel.  Boggs stepped toward the pile and tucked paper bowls and garbage into a crevice formed by two of the corpses.  Gus walked up to the starter materials and splashed fuel on them, then circled the pile to douse the bodies themselves.   Boggs walked to the pile of wood next to the shed and carried several pieces of odds and ends back with him.

  “Ok, kids, step back,” said Gus trying not to choke from the smell of the dead.

  We all obliged, taking several steps backward.  Gus took a pack of matches from his pocket, struck one, and flicked it at the pile.  His aim was true, and the flame ignited the fuel and quickly traveled and lit the paper plates on fire.  Smoke began to rise and before long the heat from the blaze caused us to back away even farther.  Boggs wrapped an arm around me.  The smell of burning flesh and hair soon caught my senses.  It was too much to bear.

/>   “I need to go in,” I moaned.

  “Probably best we all do,” said Gus.  “I’ll come back out later to…uh…stoke them and add wood scraps.”

  I was on the verge of vomiting, so ran to the window and crawled back inside in hopes of escaping the smell.  Emilie was soon behind me.

  “God that was nasty,” she proclaimed. “Zoe, you ok?  You look pale.”

  I nodded.  “I’m ok.  The smell.  It just made me feel sick.”

  “I guess none of us is used to burning human bodies,” she sighed. 

  “Let’s talk about something else?” I asked.

  “Sure, ok,” she said.  “I slept with Gus last night.”

  My attention now grabbed, I looked up.  She giggled, obviously getting the reaction she had hoped for out of me.  “We didn’t do anything,” she added.  “We just slept together to stay warm.  He’s actually quite a gentleman.”

  “He seems really protective of us all,” I said, not really knowing what else to say.

  “We were falling asleep and heard a loud thump in the hall.”

  I looked at her and she was grinning.

  “Ya…we heard that too.”  My face felt hot.

  “C’mon, Zoe, let’s go clean up the living room.”

  She walked ahead of me.  I saw the clothes Boggs and I had shed and started picking them up.  I was too embarrassed to look at Emilie. 

  “Hmm,” she said.  I heard her crunching on something in her mouth.  “We left the chips out but they’re still ok.  Just a little stale.” 

  She crumpled the bag closed and took it and the vodka bottle back to the kitchen.  I took the opportunity to grab the rest of our loose clothes and ran up the stairs with them.  I heard her giggling from downstairs.

  I tossed the articles of clothing into a corner of our room and ran back downstairs.  The guys had just climbed back in from outside and Gus was asking Emilie what was so funny.

  “Nothing,” she said.

  “The fire’s going nicely now,” said Boggs.  “We need to think about moving the car closer to the cabin.”

  Gus interrupted.  “There’s a bit of an incline from there to here, so it may be tricky since we’ll be pushing it.  I want it closer but for now we may need to just carry supplies back to the cabin.  There’s a wheelbarrow in the shed we can use.  We should also take pillow cases to haul smaller stuff.”

  “Should we wait till it’s lighter out?” asked Emilie.  “The woods can stay pretty dark around here.”

  “I think that’s a good idea, Red.  I also want to wait till the fire’s died down.”

  “I’m starving,” said Boggs with a yawn.  “Let’s eat then regroup?”

  We were all in agreement so decided on a breakfast of canned fruit, slightly stale tortilla chips, and water.  We ate without talking much, although Gus did ask about my hip and I happily reported that the pain was better today.

  After breakfast we went to the living room and sat down.  The morning became a waiting game.  Gus and Boggs went out once to make sure the bodies were burning evenly and to add wood to the fire.  Emilie and I were getting bored, so got the decks of playing cards out and began building a house of cards.  We made a fair team, working well together.  We seemed to anticipate each other’s actions well.  I carefully got up to turn the fireplace off, knowing conservation was critical under the circumstances.  Boggs and Gus had just come in from overseeing the bonfire and took seats, careful to not demolish our playing card project.

  As I walked over to sit next to Boggs, we heard a familiar but unexpected noise.  Tires crunched on the gravel out front as a car approached our cabin.

  Gus and Boggs were the first to stand, taking their positions at the peep holes.

  “Holy shit,” said Boggs.  “It’s a big step van.  Gus, come check it out.”

  The men traded places at the boarded-over front door.

  “Emilie, Zoe, please head upstairs and get the spears?” Gus’ question sounded more like a strong suggestion.

  “What’s going on? Can you see anyone?” I asked.

  Gus answered.  “The driver just got out.  Male, young.  Probably teens.  Lots of tattoos.  He looks Latino.”

  “Is he armed?” asked Boggs, being practical.

  “Ya, I see a rifle.  Looks like a twenty-two.  Girls.  Now.  Get the spears and bring them down,” said Gus.  Even under pressure he had a way of staying calm.

  Emilie and I walked the stairs quickly.  We had stored the extra spears we had made in the third bedroom, so fetched them and brought them downstairs.

  “Where should we set them?” asked Emilie.

  “We don’t want to look hostile if they come in, so set them in the corner by the fireplace where they’re not obvious,” said Gus.  “The kid is circling the bonfire, and a woman just got out of the vehicle.  Oh shit,” he sighed.

  “What?” asked Boggs.  “What is it?”

  “She’s pregnant.”

  “What do we do?” I asked.  “We have to help them.”

  Gus looked thoughtful for a moment.  “One of us needs to go out and say hello, I suppose.  I’ll go and once I feel it’s safe I’ll call the rest of you out.  Better we meet them outside, I think.”

  “Take the pistol, ok?” said Boggs. 

  “Ya, good idea.”

  The guys explained that the handgun would be easier to conceal, making Gus appear less hostile than the shotgun might.

  The cowboy climbed out the kitchen window quietly.  It was the only exit he could use and not be seen from the front of the cabin.  Boggs stayed at the peep hole to monitor the situation. 

  “Boggs?  What’s happening?”  I asked.

  I looked over at Emilie, who was chewing on her fingernail.

  We all heard Gus call out loud enough to announce his presence, although it was impossible to hear just what he had said from inside the cabin.

  “Gus just walked out with his hands out.  The two people from the van see him.  The kid has the rifle out to his side.  That’s a good sign.”

  Emilie spoke softly.  “I wish we could see.”  I could tell she was worried about Gus. 

  Boggs continued.  “They’re talking.  The Latino kid has his arm around the pregnant woman.  Things look ok so far.  The kid just relaxed the rifle and Gus’ arms are at his sides.”   I heard Boggs take a deep breath.  “They’re shaking hands.  Gus just signaled for us to come out.”

  I took Emilie’s hand in mine and walked with her to the window exit.  Boggs insisted on going first, so climbed out ahead of us.  

  “Stay next to me, Emilie?” I asked. 

  “I promise, Zoe.  I promise.”

  The four of us had grown to trust each other.  Changing that dynamic was not something I desired right now.  I felt selfish and silently told myself to improve my attitude.

  The sun was much higher in the sky now.  I judged it to be near noon.  The pile of bodies was still burning, but getting smaller.  The stench was less offensive now.  I tried to not look at the corpses as they burned.  Boggs was already exchanging handshakes with the new man and woman.  I agreed with Gus, they did look young.  Emilie and I approached, hand in hand, and were introduced to the young couple.

  His name was Julio, and hers Louisa.  She looked like she was about five or six months pregnant, but I’ve always been a bad judge of things like that.  She had shoulder length wavy black hair and a small nose.   She looked sweet.  I thought to myself that I might be able to grow to like her.  They told us they had two companions in the back of the step van. 

  Julio walked to the front passenger door of the rig and opened it.  He called to the two people inside to let them know he was going to open the back.  He motioned for us to step around, and I could tell Gus was instantly alarmed and set on edge.

  “Don’t mean to sound harsh, but we’ll wait here,” said Gus.  I noticed he had his hand near his pants waist, where he had tucked the p
istol.

  “Sure, no problem,” Julio said with a shrug.  He stepped behind the van and unlatched the barn-style doors.  They opened with a squeal.  “Come on out ladies,” he said.  I watched as he held his arms up and helped a woman down over the bumper.  She was bald and gaunt, and appeared to be in her fifties or sixties. 

  “This is Wanda,” said Julio.

  Wanda smiled at us.  “Don’t let my appearance scare you all,” said the woman.  “I’m not one of the dead, just on its door.  I have breast cancer, so let’s not let an elephant sit in the corner of the room.  It is what it is.”  She smiled warmly.

  I looked at Boggs, who put a hand on my shoulder.

  “Nice to meet you, Wanda.  I’m Gus…over there’s Boggs, Zoe, and Emilie.  Once we get inside we can talk some more.”

  “Nice fire you have here,” she replied.  “Oh and nice to meetcha.”

  I felt bad for the woman.  She moved like she was in a lot of pain.

  Julio held a hand up for their last companion and a woman stepped down.  She was about my age, maybe a bit older, with long shiny dark brown hair and tan skin.  She was tall and slender, and had a figure most women would envy and men would admire.  She could easily have been a model and I was growing jealous.  Once she had both feet on the ground, she looked up.  Her gaze locked on Boggs.  I felt his hand drop from my shoulder so I looked up at him.  He was staring back at the woman.  Before I realized what was happening, she had run to him and wrapped herself around him like she was embracing a long lost friend.

  “Adam!” she said with a sense of relief in her voice.  “Adam!  Oh my God!”

  My heart began to break as his arms reached up to hold her.  “Susan?”  He paused while she clung to him.  “How?”  He seemed in shock over her arrival.

  I took a small step back, and Emilie had already moved to my side.  She put a hand on my back to keep me from running.  She interrupted the reunion by clearing her throat.  “You guys know each other?” she asked, perplexed.

              I felt my stomach drop and my skin got cold and prickly feeling.  I wanted the beautiful woman to get back into the step van and drive away.

  “Adam and I go way back,” she answered.  “I can’t believe we found each other, what are the odds?”  Even her voice was beautiful.

  “We met in college,” Boggs said after coughing lightly.

  “It’s like fate, Adam,” she whispered.  She stood to face us, and kept an arm around his waist.

  Boggs stood there, looking somewhat uncomfortable.  He took her arm away from his waist and held her hand in his.  “Susan, these are my friends. Gus, Emilie, Zoe, this is Susan.  The four of us have been together since Day One.  Well, except for Emilie.  She joined us several days into this mess.”

  “We should all go inside and talk,” said Gus.

  Susan nodded eagerly.

  “Miss Louisa,” said Gus.  “We’ve been climbing in and out through the kitchen window.  Will you be ok with that this time?  I can’t help but notice that you’re expecting.  We can rearrange things so we can use the front door later.”

  “Sure,” said Louisa.  “Julio can help me.  We’re just so glad to have found somewhere to stay.  New friends are a bonus.”  She spoke with a faint Mexican accent.

  “Emilie?” I whispered to her.  “Can you take me inside please?”  I was fighting back tears.

  She and I quietly slipped inside ahead of the others. 

  It was hard to breathe.  I couldn’t keep the tears in any longer and they began to fall freely down my cheeks.

  “Zoe, come on.  Let’s go upstairs and talk, ok?” suggested Emilie.  I was suddenly even more grateful for her being in my life.

  We walked up the stairs together.  I could hear our guests climbing into the kitchen behind us.  Emilie escorted me to my room and lit the candle on the vanity for light, then closed the door.  I walked to the bed and lay down facing the headboard, leaving my legs hanging over the edge.  I wiped at my tears, trying to stop their flow.  As Emilie sat behind me, I felt her weight on the bed.

  “Zoe?  Who is she?” asked Em.

  I swallowed hard.  “It’s a girl he had an affair with in college.”

  “He cheated on you?” she asked, in disbelief.

  I rolled over onto my back to look at her.  “No, we weren’t together then.  Just friends.  We’ve only been more than friends since this zombie stuff happened.”

  “Really?” she asked, with a confused look on her face.  “I assumed you’ve always been a couple.  He’s nuts about you, you know that right?”

  “We’ve been friends my whole life.  Since I was a baby.  We used to do everything together.  Then he went off to college and his fling with Susan messed him up.  He got distant.”  I wasn’t sure if I should mention Susan’s abortion, so left that part out.  I figured that was Boggs’ private matter.  “We were just seeing each other for the first time in months the weekend this all started.”

  Emilie sighed.  “I’m not sure what to say, Zoe.  I’m sure everything will be fine.”

  “But did you see her?  She’s gorgeous.  And he introduced me as his ‘friend,’ Em.”  I sniffled.

  “Zoe, have you seen yourself?” she asked.  “She doesn’t have anything over you.  You’re beautiful.  Inside and out.”  She leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.  “Trust me.”

  I wiped at my tears again.

  “I’m going to slip downstairs and heat up some tea.  Do you want to come with me or should I bring it up to you?”

  “Can you bring it back?” I asked.  “I think I just need some quiet time.  Time to think.”

  “Sure, Zoe.  I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

  Emilie left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.  I turned back toward the headboard and kicked off my shoes.  I clutched at a pillow and curled into a ball.  After several minutes the door opened.  I felt the bed depress behind me.  I knew it wasn’t Emilie because she was much lighter than whoever had just sat down.

  “Zoe?” whispered Boggs.  “We need to talk.”

  I didn’t say anything.  I closed my eyes, willing myself to disappear.  It didn’t work.

  “Zoe, I never would have guessed she’d show up.  You know it was a short relationship.  It didn’t mean anything.  I love you, Zoe.  Her being here doesn’t change that.”  I felt his hand on my shoulder.  “Please, Zoe, I’m begging you.  Don’t shut me out.  I promise I’ll talk to her, lay down some rules.  I’ll make sure she understands.”

  He leaned down and laid his head against mine.  His hand moved to mine and he squeezed it lightly.  “Come downstairs, Zo?  Please?”

  “I don’t want to see her, Boggs.  She was all over you and you told her I’m your ‘friend.’”

  “I’m sorry about that.  I was shocked.  I just didn’t know what to say.  Forgive me?”

  I rolled into him.  “I just can’t bear the thought of losing you now, Boggs.”

  “You won’t lose me, Zoe.  No chance of it.”  He kissed my forehead.  “C’mon, let’s go get to know everyone.”

  “Ya, just what I want.  My new best girlfriend Susan,” I mumbled sarcastically.

  He stood and held a hand out for me.  Reluctantly, I took it and stood.  I left my shoes behind and walked downstairs with him.  Once at the bottom of the steps, he took my hand in his and walked with me into the living room.  Wanda and Louisa had taken seats on one of the loveseats.  Susan was sitting on the other and smiled when she saw Boggs.  Her smile faded a bit when she saw that our hands were joined.  Emilie and Gus had brought the four chairs in from the kitchen table, and the two of them and Julio had settled onto three of them.  Boggs unexpectedly lifted me off of my feet and sat in the last open chair, setting me on his lap.  It left Susan sitting on the sofa by herself.

  “Susan, this is Zoe.  We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember.  She knows about what ha
ppened with us at the university.  We both know it was a mistake, all of it.  Zoe and I are together, and I’d like to ask that you respect that.”

  I was shocked by his frankness.  Shocked, but pleased.  I looked over and saw Emilie hiding a smile.  I dared to look at Susan, who was flushed and looked appalled.

  “Uh, well, Zoe wasn’t there when you were screwing my brains out,” said Susan nastily.  “Was she?”

  I couldn’t believe Boggs had been with such a nasty woman.  I already despised her.

  “Cool it,” Boggs said.  “No need to be rude, Susan.”

  The woman pretended to inspect her fingernails.  “Whatever.” 

  No one else spoke.

  I looked at Boggs, who winked at me.  I forced a small insincere smile at him.  I still wanted to disappear.  I looked over and saw that Wanda, the older woman, had fallen asleep.  Or maybe she was smart and just pretending to be. 

  “Ok, kids,” said Gus.  “Let’s move on to the important stuff.”

  Julio looked up and spoke.  “Great.  I guess our biggest question is will you all be ok with us staying here?  It’s all of us though,” he added.  “Louisa, Wanda, Susan, and I have been together now for awhile.  Looks like there’s some tension here, but the four of us have to stay together.  He looked at Louisa, who had a hand resting on her swollen belly, and smiled at her.  He took Louisa’s other hand is his.  “I’ll see to it that Susan behaves,” he added.

  Susan glared at Julio.

  Gus sighed heavily.  “We don’t have much room, and not many supplies, but I think I can speak for my friends when we say we won’t turn friendly survivors away.  What you see is what you get.  Three bedrooms upstairs, a small attic, one bathroom, and then the kitchen and living room down here.  We have solar power and propane for the fireplace, oven, stove, and refrigerator.”

  “We’d be grateful for a corner, if you feel you can spare it,” said Julio.

   I took notice that Julio seemed mature beyond his age.  His exterior looked rough, but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy.

  “We can empty out the third bedroom upstairs,” said Gus.  He looked over at Emilie.  “Em, you okay with me officially moving in with you?”

  She took his hand in hers and smiled warmly.  “Of course.”

  Julio spoke up.  “That’s very kind.  We appreciate it.  Wanda might do best down here, to avoid the stairs.  We have a bed in the step van we can bring in if that’s ok?”

  “Absolutely,” said Boggs.   I had nestled in against him and was rather comfortable.

  Susan looked up.  “You said there’s an attic?”

  Gus nodded.  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Can I use it then?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” said Gus again.  I got the impression he wasn’t taking a liking to her either.

  “We have things in the van we should bring in,” said Julio.  “Food, blankets, water,  Wanda’s bed.”

  “What about a bathroom for Wanda?” I asked.  “The only one is all the way up the stairs.”

  Louisa spoke.  “We have a commode in the van.  I’ll help her with using it.”  She had a very soft, sweet voice.

  “Louisa, you take such good care of her,” said Julio.

  Louisa looked over at Wanda and covered her hand in her own as she slept.   “She looks so tired.  Every day she looks a little older.  A little more frail.  She reminds me of my Mama in some ways.”  Louisa smiled at Julio.  “How could I not take care of her, J?”  I saw tears welling in Louisa’s brown eyes.

  “You’ll be such a good mom, Isa,” he said sweetly.

  I saw Susan roll her eyes.

  “I do hope so,” said Louisa with a sigh.