Clarity Castle

by Marie-Hélène Lebeault

I got my own lunch out and started eating. There hadn’t been enough time or leftovers to put together an envy-invoking lunch. I had tossed a salad this morning and thrown in leftover pieces of salmon from the night before and grabbed a fruit cup for dessert.

  Sam was staring at me. “Did you pack your own lunch?” he asked.

  “Yes…” I replied, my right eyebrow shooting up in question.

  “Is your mom out of town?” he asked, stuffing a piece of chicken salad sandwich he’d gotten out of the vending machine again.

  “No, why? Did you want to have an out-of-control teenage party?” I scoffed.

  He puffed out laughing. “No, silly. It’s just I’ve never seen you with such a sad lunch,” he replied.

  “I’ll have you know that it’s a perfectly nutritious lunch. It has all the food groups, it’s low carb, high protein, and high in omega threes,” I replied in a huff.

  He put his hands out in a pacifying gesture. “Of course it is. I’m sorry. I wasn’t judging. I just meant it looked like your mom had abandoned you is all,” he said with a pained expression.

  I guess we weren’t used to spending time alone without having homework as a buffer. He’s just given me an opening, and I latched on to it.

  “That’s because she’s dating this new guy, Gary,” I said, and we spent the next thirty minutes dissecting this new piece of information. Finally, a few minutes before the bell, as we were walking back towards the main doors, Sam casually asked if I wanted to come to see him swim at the competition in Sherbrooke on Saturday afternoon.

  “I’ll be leaving early in the morning on the bus with the team, but my family will drive in after lunch to watch the finals. I’m guaranteed a spot in the relay, and I might also be swimming in another event,” he added.

  “Yeah, sure. Are Mel and Julie coming?” I asked, innocently.

  “With my brother in the car, there’s only room for one extra person and my mom suggested I invite you,” he said, looking straight ahead and acting like this was a regular occurrence.

  He was clearly nervous about this and I honestly did want to see him swim in a race. I’d only ever seen him compete here in Cowansville. I tried to remember what September had said. I didn’t need to overthink this.

  “Yeah, sure. That sounds like a lot of fun. I just need to run it by my mom, but since I would be going with your parents, I’m sure she’ll say yes. Thanks for asking!” I replied and clamped my mouth shut before I started to babble.

  Thankfully, the bell rang, and he dashed off to get to the pool on time with a “later!” while I headed for my science class.

  * * *

  I was on the bus when I heard her the first time. Since I had my earbuds in, I took them out and looked around, thinking someone on the bus was talking to me. When the call came again, I put them back and tried my best to talk inside my head without looking like a moron.

  I hadn’t yet mastered this skill. I usually preferred to talk out loud like there was actually someone with me. But that wasn’t an option right this minute. So, in my mind, I said, “I’m in the bus, can I get back to you in about five minutes?” She replied it wasn’t a problem and before she tuned out, I asked who I was supposed to ‘call’ back. It was May. Pandemic Girl. Interesting.

  When I got home, Mom was there. I gave her a hug, grabbed an apple, and told her I was going for a quick walk. I would head for the woods. Even if I talked out loud on my way there, people would think I was chatting over Bluetooth.

  “Hey, May. What’s up?” I asked.

  “Hey, March. Do you have time for a chat?” she asked.

  “I’m heading to the Castle site, physically I mean. I can meet you inside as soon as I can sit somewhere safe,” I replied.

  “I’m there now!” she exclaimed before adding, “you know that little path behind the gate, it goes up to a knoll. I’m sitting there. Hardly anyone comes by here. If they do, I just look like I’m meditating.”

  “Sounds perfect. I’ll do that too,” I said and picked up the pace. When I got there, I was looking down at where the Castle should be. I wish it was a real castle. The view from the lake here was a little obstructed by the trees, but similar to the view from one of the Castle’s parapets. I found a log and sat down. Clearing my mind, I was instantly there.

  She was sitting by the window looking out when I came in. I walked over to look out the window. I hadn’t ever taken the time to see what the view was. It was facing east. From here, you could see a few outbuildings tucked in between the tall trees.

  “There are horses in the stable,” said May in a dreamy voice.

  “Really? Can we go see them?” I asked excitedly.

  “I can’t see why not,” she answered getting up from the window seat.

  Neither of us knew if there were any outer doors on the eastern part of the Castle. We knew there was a door leading to the courtyard and we thought that if we couldn’t find another, we’d go out through there.

  There was a door, and only a few doors down from the yellow room. The configuration was identical to the western side of the Castle I had entered from the courtyard. The outer door must have been used by the serving staff because it was accessed by going down a half flight of stairs.

  We made our way to the biggest of the buildings. It was shorter than the Castle, perhaps only two stories. It was about as wide as a street and had to be at least a half kilometer in length, but on the outside, it looked just like the Castle. I had seen buildings like this one in magazines. I think they started converting castle stables into apartments at some point.

  These stables were filled with horses and the usual stable paraphernalia. And there were quite a few people working inside. No, not people, versions on me! It still boggled my mind that everyone at the Castle was a version of me.

  “I wish I could live here,” said May as we found our way to the stable boxes. Neither of us knew anything about horses so we stayed at a safe distance.

  “Me too!” I replied earnestly. “I wonder if there are bedrooms, and if someone prepares food from the kitchens,” I said.

  “I think some of us do live here, though I’m not sure how that works. Do you think we have to die in our reality to move here permanently?” she asked.

  “Maybe this is our version of Heaven,” I said and we both nodded. The horses were pretty, but they were also smelly. Without discussing it, we headed back out and followed a worn patch of grass that led to a large paddock where more horses could be seen grazing and hanging out.

  We rested our arms on the fence and stared out at them. I figured May would tell me what was on her mind when she was ready. I was in no hurry, this place was amazing and, since time didn’t pass here the way it did at home, I had nowhere better to be just now.

  “So, it’s mid-June for me, like it’s mid-April for you,” she started. I nodded but said nothing. “This is going to sound so stupid, but I think I want to merge realities with you,” she said and waited for me to respond.

  My heart gave a little flutter. My gut reaction was a negative one. I didn’t want to share my life, my body, with her. That would be weird, intrusive. Then I remembered that she was me. That her reality was almost identical to mine in all aspects except the pandemic raging in hers. Of course, she wanted out. She had probably waited for April’s crisis to be over before bringing it up.

  “It’s not stupid. What’s stupid is that I was wondering if your life was better than mine after I spent some time there,” I said with a laugh. Her shocked expression was priceless. “I got over it real quick when I realized I could manifest the good parts of your life into mine without having to endure the hardships,” I quickly added.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But there have been a few developments that are now tipping the scales and making me want to make a move,” she said.

  Then it dawned on me. This was about Sam! She was two months ahead of me. She had likely gone to the swimming competition. But no, there weren’t any competitions in her
reality. The swim team was hoping to resume their activities with the April safety measures, but there hadn’t been any guarantees. Maybe it wasn’t about Sam.

  “Is this about Mom?” I asked, worried.

  “Not entirely. She started seeing Gary a few months ago. It’s been a bit of a challenge since they have to stay two meters apart, but I think they’ve grown close in other ways. Taking their time to get to know one another,” she said.

  “Yeah, Mom’s going on her third date with him in my reality. I’m very excited,” I replied. She nodded in agreement.

  “I’ve had a similar experience with Sam…” she said trailing off. I smiled and nudged her with my shoulder.

  “Go on,” I urged her.

  “The swim team still hasn’t been allowed to resume their activities, so Sam has a lot of free time. He’s got a training program to do which includes running and bodyweight resistance training, but it only lasts about an hour per day. Since he lives closest to our house, he and I have been spending more time together, taking walks, going for bike rides, that kind of thing,” she explained.

  “And now you’re kinda dating but you can’t take it to the next level?” I asked, seeing where this is going. She blushed and kicked some pebbles with her shoes, staring down at them with great interest.

  Finally, she said, “it’s not what your thinking!”

  I laughed and nudged her again. “You forget we are basically the same person. There is no way I’d be ready for anything other than holding hands, hugs, and maybe a first kiss down the line,” I said, teasing her. “I get it,” I added. She blew out a relieved breath and sagged against me. I put my arm around her and rested my head on hers, aware I was giving a new name to self-soothing.

  Chapter 31

  That night, while May was doing the required rounds of memory visits, I had requested a meeting with the Teacher.

  “What will it feel like?” I asked about the possible merge.

  “It won’t feel like anything. Once the ceremony is completed, May’s consciousness will merge with yours and when you wake up the next day, you will feel like yourself. Henceforth, you might make slightly different choices because you’ll have an added perspective, but you won’t be aware of it as being different from your own,” she explained.

  “But what happens to May’s reality?” I asked.

  “Her reality will continue as it was. She will continue to be part of the group as May,” replied the Teacher, sipping the tea I had refused.

  “But won’t that be weird?” I asked.

  “For whom?” asked the Teacher, her head cocked to one side.

  Good question. “For me, for May, for everyone, really,” I tried.

  “Oh, yes. I see. I’m sorry, I thought you understood that once the merge is completed, none of you will remember how things were before,” she said.

  Ah, an important detail.

  “Okay, so if and when we do this, May’s consciousness will merge with mine while we are asleep. When I wake up, I won’t see a difference and I won’t remember the merge. When she wakes up, she’ll be in my life as me, and won’t remember her old reality. Did I get that right?” I asked rubbing the muscles above my eyebrows.

  “Yes,” she exclaimed.

  “So there really isn’t a downside to this at all,” I said.

  “None at all. And as you get used to the process, and maintain a high vibration, you see it will become a regular, and speedier, occurrence. Instead of painstakingly working on individual manifestations in your own reality, you’ll find that many of your desires are already grouped together in another reality. It’s far simpler to jump into a new reality, don’t you think?” she asked. I nodded. It still felt like a shortcut to me, but that’s why I was here. To realize life wasn’t supposed to be so hard and that, with a little help, I could literally have, be, or do whatever I wanted.

  At the same time, both our heads shot up. We were being called to the ceremony room. Already? She was right, it was a much faster process once everyone in the group had access to their memories.

  The teacher and I materialized in the room where the others were assembled in their respective spots. I went to stand under my portrait, scrutinizing it in case September had added any new clues as to my life down the road. It hadn’t changed and I winked at her before facing forward.

  May went to the circle and spoke her intention. No one objected, and it was done. As simple as that. I wanted to stay and talk to the Guide, but as soon as May returned to her portrait, I blacked out.

  Chapter 32

  The rest of the week was uneventful. Mom had not only agreed to my going to the swimming competition with Sam’s parents, but she was also overjoyed I’d have somewhere to be while she was out with Gary.

  Gary picked her up on Saturday morning around nine. Since the cat was out of the bag, she introduced him briefly when he came to the door, then gave me a quick hug and told me to have a good time.

  “You too!” I said, waving them off from the porch. I was itching to hug Gary, but that would have been weird. I’d just need to bide my time.

  I spent the morning studying for my upcoming math and science tests. I wondered if the teachers planned on giving us tests and assignments all in the same week. We’d started a new novel in English and another in French. Both had chapter questions that had to be handed in on Monday.

  I went out on the deck to eat my lunch and read some pages from the French book. It wasn’t bad. It was the first novel of a trilogy about ants. Right? After a few chapters, I wondered if this could have been the inspiration for that animation movie called Antz. After a little digging on the internet, I found that it wasn’t, but I still decided I would watch the movie soon.

  After lunch, I got my things together and waited for Sam’s parents. His mom had called and said they’d pick me up around one in the evening. At the last minute, I grabbed my French novel and added it to my bag. If there was time to kill, I’d be happy to have it along.

  Sam’s relay race was scheduled for three in the evening. We got there with about fifteen minutes to spare and had time to find a good spot to watch from. This was a regional competition and there were a lot of spectators. The noise level was very high, and I debated putting my earbuds in just to drown out the chaos. But Sam’s mom kept telling me stuff about the other swimmers and the other teams and it would have been rude.

  Finally, they called the teams for the four-hundred-meter relay race. Sam was doing one hundred meters of butterfly. It was a tight race and they came in second. The team and the coach seemed pleased.

  We checked the board and saw they would be doing two of the final races up next. Sam had all of fifteen minutes to catch his breath before he was called for the fifty-meter freestyle race. He totally nailed it and won the race. I was hooting and jumping with his family, waving like a maniac so he knew where we were, on the off chance he couldn’t hear us.

  With a huge grin, he waved back at us and pointed to the spot where they were giving out medals and trophies for the day. I took about as many pictures as his mom did with my phone. I was so proud of him I could have burst.

  We waited for him out in the lobby. After about thirty minutes, Sam appeared, two medals around his neck, the gold medal for the freestyle race and a bronze one for the relay. We dutifully applauded our fearless winner.

  His parents took us out to a celebratory dinner in Sherbrooke. Sam wanted carbs so we went to that Italian chain that had a bread bar. I hadn’t been in years and was happy to see they still had the tarragon butter I loved so much. I had to be careful to leave room for the lasagna I had ordered. In the end, I didn’t have to worry because Sam finished everyone’s plates.

  Though I’d had dinner at Sam’s plenty of times over the years, I’d never gone out with them. It could have been awkward, but it wasn’t. No one in his family made any off-putting comments about this being a date or anything and his brother was really sweet. I felt like I was part of the family and it helped me embrac
e the possibility of Sam and me as a couple.

  After dessert, we headed back home. It was past nine when we got home and, again, there was no awkwardness. I thanked Sam’s parents, waved to Curtis, gave Sam the usual hug, and told him I’d message him the next day.

  Mom was home when I came into the house. I had texted her before we left the restaurant so she wouldn’t worry, but she said she’d only gotten home a moment ago herself. She was wearing her robe and about to jump in the shower. I told her to go ahead and we could have our chat when she was done.

  While I waited, I looked at the pictures I’d taken of Sam’s races. I chose my favourites and sent them to him. He thanked me for the pictures and for coming to the race. I told him I’d had a great time and to thanks his parents again for me. My phone rang just then. It was Sam.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I asked.

  “I just wanted to tell you how much it meant to me that you were there today,” he said,

  “You already did, goofball,” I replied, laughing, but I stopped when I noticed he wasn’t laughing. There was a beat, then two. I waited.

  “So, do you want to come to my house tomorrow, to study for the math test?” he asked tentatively.

  We studied quite efficiently via videoconference, but I didn’t point that out. Instead, I countered with, “how about you come here? My mom will think it’s too much of an imposition to spend two days in a row with your family.”

  “Yeah, sure. What time?” he asked. I wanted to check with Mom so I told him I would text him the time before I went to bed.

  “Goodnight, Clare,” he said into the phone.

  “Goodnight, Sam,” I replied. It was the first weird thing we’d said to each other so far. Up until now, we’d been regular friends. We wouldn’t have called each other, nor would we have said goodnight. I felt a little giddy.

  Mom was in the kitchen making tea when I wrapped up with Sam. She asked about the race and I told her about dinner and my plans to study with Sam the next day. I could tell she was dying to comment on the change in our relationship. But the extent of the grin I was still sporting must have made her change her mind.