Hell And High Water

by Angela Blythe

  When Julia and Jim saw that the party had assembled, they came out to join them. They too had brought drinks. A bottle of red, a bottle of rosé and a bottle of white wine, with enough glasses for everyone.

  Our Doris was introduced to those that did not know her, then one by one, they laid out their blankets.

  Wee Renee thought that if they had to get in the river and dirty, they might not want to eat their food afterwards. The congregation agreed, although none of them remembered it being said that they were getting in the river! After much chatter, they got to work eating their food.

  Wee Renee was lying down on the blanket. Her long white plait was stretched out on the grass like a snake. She looked up at the sky, eating a tuna sandwich. No one told her that she had a tomato soup moustache.

  ‘Idyllic isn’t it?’ Wee Renee said out loud.

  ‘It’s God’s country alright,’ Ernie said.

  ‘When there are no vampires here, that is,’ Our Doris said slowly.

  ‘Or beasts that rip your skin off,’ Pat said. Wee Renee took out an old bottle of suntan lotion and rubbed it all over her legs. Lauren got up from where she was sitting with Rick and lay beside Wee Renee on her blanket. She hoisted her already short mini skirt up to tan her legs even more.

  ‘It’s quite hot when the wind isn’t blowing’ Wee Renee commented.

  ‘Yes, like Magaluf,’ Lauren replied.

  The gang had had their fill for the moment, and Wee Renee decided it was time to question Jim about precisely where and what he had seen.

  ‘Down to business everyone,’ Wee Renee said. ‘I need to speak to you especially, Jim. Come on.’ Jim and Wee Renee got up and walked closer to the river’s edge.

  ‘Give it to me blow by blow. In fact, act it out,’ Wee Renee said. She stood back, waiting for the details, hands on hips.

  ’Well you see I was here,’ Jim said. ‘She was on that island … Black Island and I heard the rattling in these bushes. And then there was some stuff in the water like spawn. Oh, there’s some there now.’ He pointed to a patch beside him at the water’s edge.

  Wee Renee bent down and saw the milky eggs in gelatinous clusters amongst the grass.

  ‘This river is swollen as well, Jim. It isn’t usually this high. I’ve been here many times, and you can see some silt areas even in the wettest months. This grass is usually above the water, isn’t it? Now it’s part of the river and has eggs in it. Do you think it’s got higher since your arrival?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ’I think so,’ Jim said.

  ‘Which can only mean that there is another source of water feeding it, hmmm … I’m going to get something to collect some of those eggs in,’ Wee Renee told him.

  She walked back to the group. Out of all the plates and picnic items remaining on the blankets, there was one empty disposable item. It was also something that she could use as a scoop.

  ’Please, could I have that bowl off your pasta meal, Liz?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ’What for?’ Liz asked.

  ’I’m going to collect some eggs in it and examine them if that’s all right,’ Wee Renee said. Bob and Adams's ears pricked up. They knew about the eggs too. Now, this was becoming a Band thing. Something to be investigated. No wonder they had felt that they should give them a wide berth.

  ’Yes, you’re welcome to it,’ Liz said, ‘but it’s got mayonnaise all over the inside. That probably won’t be good for gathering wildlife.’

  ’I’ll rinse it out before I put them in. I’ll wash it in the river,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Don’t worry about the mayonnaise. It will probably enrich the water.’ Liz frowned at Wee Renee.

  ‘What?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ‘You’ve a got a bit of soup on your face, that’s all,’ Liz said. Wee Renee rubbed at her chin, which was nowhere near the site of the soup moustache. She walked off with the pasta bowl.

  A few of them decided to go and look at these eggs too. Bob and Adam had seen them, so they didn’t bother. Liz, Andy, Our Doris and Martyn trailed after Wee Renee. As they arrived, Jim silently pointed down at the jelly clusters.

  ’Are these unusual?’ Martyn asked. ‘I’m no David Attenborough and I thought they were some sort of natural northern occurrence.’

  ’Time will tell about that,’ Wee Renee said as she rinsed out her bowl.

  ’There are some on the other side of the bank, loads of them. It’s quite strong smelling,’ Martyn said.

  Wee Renee did not answer as she squatted down and gently began to try and separate just a couple of the eggs with the plastic fork that had come with the pasta. She managed to separate some, and they floated off. Quickly scooping water and eggs up, she took them back to the picnic area carefully. The party all returned at sat on the blankets

  ‘Look at this everyone. Does anyone actually think this is from a frog because I don’t,’ Wee Renee said.

  ‘I know they’re not from a frog. Some kids have been collecting them from School,’ Adam said.

  ’You haven’t, have you boys?’ Sue asked sharply before anyone else could say anything.

  ’No, we haven’t. We said we would wait until we knew a bit more about them,’ Bob replied.

  ’So, what has happened to these eggs and when was this?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ’A couple of days ago and they seemed to hatch when they’re taken inside. Maybe it’s the warmth,’ Bob said.

  ’And what are they like when they come out of their egg sack?’ Wee Renee asked. ‘Do they look like a wee tadpole?’

  ’No, a little squid or jellyfish would be the best description,’ Bob said. Adam agreed with him.

  ‘Well, we’re definitely able to say we are not looking for something with teats,’ Wee Renee said, looking at the two eggs.

  ’Of course, we aren’t, you can’t have feet on feelers,’ Jim said.

  ’I didn’t say feet. I know they don’t have feet. I said teat,’ Wee Renee said.

  ’I see,’ Jim thought for a minute, ‘You mean nipple.’

  ’Yes. It’s not going to have nipples if it lays eggs. What I’m trying to say is, it probably isn’t warm-blooded,’ Wee Renee said.

  ’Hmm….no teats, yes. It might have a beak though,’ Jim mused.

  ’Oh aye, it might as well,’ Wee Renee said, nodding. ‘Did the squids have beaks, boys?’

  ‘I didn’t see any features, sorry Wee Renee. Their heads are only about the size of a pea, even now,’ Adam advised her.

  ’What are you talking about? A beak?’ Rick said. ‘It’s not a bird.’

  ’Squids have beaks,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Sharp ones.’

  ’Oh yes, I know a man who went on holiday to Greece and ate from a riverside Café, where they cooked their food fresh from the ocean. They leave them outside the Café, wriggling in buckets. The Greek chef just chops it up, cooks it on a little stove and serves it to you there and then. They don’t care over in Greece, because they will eat all of the squid, tentacles, eyes, genitalia, the full shebang including the beak,’ Jackie told them.

  ‘Oh, I have heard this, it’s a good one,’ Pat said.

  ‘Anyway, this bloke I know shoved a fork full of squid into his mouth and started chewing. It was hot out of the pan, so he rolled it around trying to cool it down, not realising that the beak was in it. It slashed his mouth open, all his tongue and everything. He was in a right state. I took a picture of it, he was in our Hotel,’ Jackie continued. Bob and Adam’s bulged, this sounded horrific.

  ‘All slashed open. Gums, tongue, cheek, he was torn everywhere. Because of the heat, he didn’t feel what it was doing to his mouth. He just thought it was a tough bit of squid and he didn’t want to be rude, in front of the locals. Finally, he realised he wasn’t ever going to chew it and spat it out. He’s lucky he didn’t end up a mute. It’s just a good job he didn’t try and swallow it!’ Jackie said.

  All the time Pat was nodding as if she had been there too.

  ’This is all true. Jackie showed me the pictures. His mouth wa
s like a jar of red cabbage when he had finished. Buggered he was,’ Pat said. Liz felt a little queasy at the thought of this and wished they hadn’t started on teats or beaks.

  ‘And this is why I won’t ever go to Greece on holiday. If the beaks don’t get you, then the sex certainly will. What is it with that country and painful surprises!’ Pat exclaimed. Rick burst out laughing, he knew what she was on about.

  ‘You’re going to struggle getting those home in that salad tub, Wee Renee,’ Maurice said. ‘Do you want me to nip back home and bring something that has a lid?’

  ‘No, I’m always prepared,’ Wee Renee said, taking a wrapped condom out of her sock.

  ‘If you knew you were going to collect eggs, why didn’t you bring something better than that?’ Pat asked.

  ‘I wasn’t thinking about the eggs. I just had it with me,’ Wee Renee said innocently. Julia looked at Jim, who had opened his mouth, just about to speak. She nudged him sharply in his ribs and he never got to ask Wee Renee his question.

  ‘I don’t know if they’ll survive in that, Rene,’ Pat said. ‘They might be allergic to the lube.’

  ‘Then I’ll have to get some more,’ Wee Renee said. ‘There must be heaven knows what in that river and it’s only for a short journey.’

  Lauren had a sudden thought. She had forgotten to tell them about this morning.

  ’Oh, you lot, I forgot to say when I went to the shop this morning, I heard a strange rattling like a load of shells rustling up against one another, just through the Park gates over there,’ Lauren said.

  ‘That sounds like a Shellycoat!’ Wee Renee exclaimed. ‘I bet that’s what that was.’

  ’What’s one of them?’ Lauren asked.

  ’It looks a bit like a man from the back, but it would have a coat of shells. From the front, you can tell it is a terrible predator. I think it has black holes for eyes,’ Wee Renee said matter-of-factly. ‘I haven’t been that fortunate to see one, to confirm that.’

  ’Oh,’ Lauren squeaked out, quietly.

  ‘When the Shellycoat sees you coming towards the river, he will jump in and pretend he is drowning. When you try and save him, he will deliberately grab you and pull you under. Drown you,’ Wee Renee said. ‘They have them in Scotland too.’

  ‘So, it’s a real monster, not some pervert in a coat made of shells?’ Our Doris asked.

  ‘Aye, he’s not a pervert dressed up,’ Wee Renee said.

  ‘Unless you happen to find a perverted Shellycoat. Then you really are up the creek,’ Pat laughed.

  ‘I’ll give you that one Pat. I can’t confirm that Shellycoats aren’t perverts. Some of them could well be. They are definitely murderers though,’ Wee Renee said, laughing along with her.

  ’Do you know,’ Jim said. ‘That’s a good point. It did sound more shell-like than snake-like. I wonder if that’s what I heard too. One of those Shellycoats?’

  ’Come and show me where you heard it again, Jim. Let’s have a poke around. We might find some evidence,’ Wee Renee said.

  ‘I’ll join you,’ Martyn said. Lauren went too just in case he was there, and she could listen out for the noise. She felt a lot more comforted with everyone else just behind her on the blankets and Wee Renee, Martyn and Jim doing the poking around. To keep out of the danger zone, she stood a few feet away from them, eating several pieces of cucumber out of her hand.

  After a thorough investigation, there was no evidence that a Shellycoat had been there. As the water had risen since the other day, any footprints were covered too. Wee Renee commented that the grass and weeds were tall enough here that he could have been hiding in amongst them ready to strike out at Jim. He was probably fortunate that Julia had shouted him in for his tea.

  Lauren was looking out at Black Island, listening to what was being said. There was nothing to be seen on the island now. The last thing she expected was that Jim’s lady creature was in amongst the grassy marsh area nearby. The beast had been attracted out of her hiding place by a smell she found irresistible. Lauren carried on eating the cucumber, her gaze focused fifty feet away when out of the corner of her eye she saw a hand raise up to try and grab her.

  ‘Argghhh!’ Lauren shouted, jumping backwards away from the glistening green scaly arm. As she fell back, she dropped the cucumber, and with lightning speed, the creature reached forward to grab it and return to the water.

  Jim, Martyn and Wee Renee were close enough to have seen it all. They all stood staring at the water’s edge with their mouths open, before rushing over.

  ’You were lucky there,’ Jim said, nodding gravely. ‘That was her. The woman from Black Island. I was beginning to suspect that she was a ghost!’

  The others had looked over to see what the cry was about, but as the creature was directly in front of Lauren, they had not seen it. Most of them thought she had just slipped on the grass. Wee Renee’s small blue eyes took in the situation.

  ’It looks to me like it wasn’t after Lauren. It was after what she was eating. What were you eating?’ Wee Renee asked. Lauren still looked at the water in horror. Every so often she inched herself backwards. Martyn knelt beside her and put his hand gently on her shoulder

  ‘Lauren,’ he said, ‘what were you eating then? What did she take?’ Lauren finally looked at Martyn and realised that he was asking her a question.

  ’Cucumber. Just sliced cucumber,’ Lauren said. Martyn stood up again. The four of them looked towards the water, which showed no sign of movement now.

  ‘That gives me an idea,’ Wee Renee. She looked over at Martyn and very calmly spoke again. ‘This doesn’t get official, Martyn.’ Martyn didn’t know what he would be able to say in his report about all this, as it was. It would not be official unless it really had to be.

  Wee Renee walked closer to the water’s edge and squatted down. She scooped some of the river water up in her hands. The water began to run through her fingers, but before they fully emptied, she drunk what was left. Martyn thought this was very dangerous.

  ’Don’t!’ Martyn shouted. ‘You could catch goodness knows what from drinking that!’

  ’If I fell in, I might swallow that much,’ Wee Renee said shaking her head.

  ’What are you trying to find out?’ Jim asked.

  ’What it tasted like, of course,’ Wee Renee said.

  ‘What did it taste like?’ Lauren asked.

  ’Something it shouldn’t,’ Wee Renee said thoughtfully. ‘Seawater’

  16 Faction

  Even though Wee Renee thought that this afternoon was the end of her weird happenings for the day, it wasn’t. When she got home, she punched some holes into the lid of a washed jam jar, with an old metal skewer and emptied the contents of the condom into them. The eggs dropped to the bottom of the jar looking sad and lifeless. She began to think that Pat might have been right about the lube.

  She was about to switch on her computer when her phone rang. On the other end was someone totally unexpected.

  ’Hello, have I got the right number for Wee Renee?’ The male voice asked.

  ’Aye, you have,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Who’s this?’

  She recognised the voice somehow, but they had not called her on the phone before.

  ’It’s Father Philip from St. Dominic’s,’ he said.

  ’Hello Father, I can tell who it is now, yes. Are you doing well?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ‘I am, but I have a serious problem, that I need your help with. It seems to be one of those matters,’ Father Philip told her

  ’Oh, aye. That’s worrying,’ Wee Renee said. ‘What’s happened?’

  ’This morning at Sunday School, a group of children were acting very peculiar. I know danger is afoot again, Wee Renee,’ Father Philip said resignedly.

  ’The little children, eh? That is a concern. Something else is upon us too. But it’s a whole different kettle of fish to this, quite literally. It’s a pity I wasn’t there at Sunday School,’ Wee Renee said.

  ’It’s funny you shoul
d say that because what I’ve done, is said I want to take all the young ones through early confirmation and the lessons begin this week. Are you free on Tuesday evening, about seven?’ Father Philip asked.

  ’Yes, I can make it then. Can you tell me a little bit more about it?’ She asked.

  ‘A word came to mind as I watched them. Some of the children were a faction against the others, like an ominous presence. I can tell they mean harm in some way. On a base level, they are not themselves. Quiet, not mixing with the others. A small group that are setting themselves apart. They are usually friendly with other children, this is the first time I’ve seen all of them group together. They are of different ages, so wouldn’t normally mix that much, you see. Their faces are frozen in a blank expression. They don’t want to colour, and they don’t want to involve themselves with the other children that aren’t acting like that. But they did act quite menacingly towards them,’ Father Philip said.