Hell And High Water

by Angela Blythe

  Wee Renee looked out into her garden, as morning began to visit it. Today was foggy. Not a good day for a Wedding. This was thick fog too. She hoped it cleared up and didn’t come back tonight. That’s all they needed. Wee Renee sighed, then perked up as she remembered she had a nice grapefruit to eat in her fruit bowl. She clapped her hands.

  Above Wee Renee, in the back-bedroom, Julia looked down from the window at Wee Renee talking into the fog. While she watched, Wee Renee clapped three times and skipped into the house. She liked Wee Renee, she liked her a lot - but boy she was a crazy old woman, Julia thought

  Just before dawn, up on the Moors, something woke Michael, he didn’t know what. It could only be two things, The Fellus popping over to tell him that his experiment had worked or worse, the squids had broken out and were going to try and stuff him in a bucket in revenge. He looked through the window, to try and see the glow or a bucket. What he saw, made his breath catch in his throat.

  There she was. Michael’s wish made flesh. She had a bewildered look about her. He knew she was looking for him. In the Moors, in the fog, she was Kate Bush and he was Mr Darcy or whoever it was, Michael wasn’t big on the Classics.

  Michael immediately went out to greet her and bring her in before the morning light could touch her skin. He needed to see if she was real. The Fellus had done good work, she was exactly the same as when he had last seen her. Well, before she had her head squeezed off by a Master Vampire. Michael thought he probably should have told the Fellus that bit. Still, it worked out well in the end.

  He took her inside; she was pleased to see him. Delighted to be back, delighted to be flesh again. Michael shut the door. He would take her straight to bed to rest away from the daylight. Later they would have some fun.

  ’I’ll get you some food for tonight, Diane,’ Michael said to his evil vampire. Michael was back in the game.

  33 Wedding

  The Wedding of Tammy and Miles was in the early evening so that their special guests could attend. Everyone knew that Miles and Tammy were not going to arrive in traditional Wedding attire, but no one knew what they were going as. It did mean that their outfits were a lot less trouble than a three-piece suit and classic Wedding dress and veil.

  In the morning, Graham walked over to Lee’s house. Graham did not have a computer, but he knew how to use one. He knocked on the door.

  ‘Hello Lee, I’m in dire need of a computer. Could I use yours please?’ Graham asked.

  ’Come in, sure you can,’ Lee said. ‘Do you need any help? Is there a problem?’

  ’There is, as a matter of fact,’ Graham said, walking into Lee’s house. ‘I’ve been having these dreams that are getting more and more vivid. I actually think they’re trying to tell me something. Do you know what I’m going as tonight?’

  ’No,’ Lee said.

  ’I’m going as a Gamekeeper. The idea came from a dream I had. I thought the dream was just my subconscious trying to tell me that - to help me out. Now, every night I’ve been dreaming of a Gamekeeper, a particular one. And every night the story unfolded a bit more. Last night I saw myself chasing someone, thinking that they were poaching. They turned around, and the bastard shot me,’ Graham said and grabbed hold of Lee’s arm before telling him the worst part. Graham was breathing hard. Lee could see this had affected him greatly.

  ‘He … he cut out my heart. Not only that, he ate it. After, he dragged me away from the Moors, buried me in a rough grave. I saw the guns in detail. I want to know if they are real guns and if they are from the same era. If that pans out, I have to find the house. It was somehow familiar, but it looked different in the dream,’ Graham said.

  ’That’s bloody terrible, that is Graham. Let’s start,’ Lee said, opening his laptop.

  ‘I saw his face. The murderer,’ Graham said. ‘He was a madman.’

  Lee dry swallowed. He hoped he didn’t have any dreams like this. It was bad enough that he had seen some kind of river monster-man five minutes from his house. Since that day he got up and looked for wet footprints on his front steps every morning.

  Lee brought the browser up. The two men began to look through pictures of antique guns. Graham was sure that the Gamekeeper in his dream knew that his gun was called a blunderbuss. They found a picture of one of these, and it was exactly the same as Graham had thought. He described the other man’s gun to Lee and they searched within that era for the smaller gun. It was a Musketoon. Both guns were in use around the middle of the 18th-century.

  ’Wow,’ Graham said, quietly and a little in shock. He wasn’t used to being in the middle of something.

  ’This doesn’t sound like a normal dream does it?’ Lee commented.

  ’No. I knew it wasn’t last night. It’s like he, the man that was shot, wants me to find him. He doesn’t want to be forgotten … lost in time. He won’t let me sleep, he will make sure of it,’ Graham said.

  ’That’s going to be a hard ask,’ Lee said. ‘Especially that long ago.’

  ’I know,’ Graham said. The two men stared at the screen. What more could be said about it?

  ‘What are you going as tonight?’ Graham asked. Lee gestured to the corner of his dining room. There were an unusual crown and regal fur robes in a pile.

  ’The King of Tonga,’ Lee said proudly. ‘Do you think anyone else will have the same costume?’

  ‘Doubtful,’ Graham replied.

  Wee Renee had curled her hair and finally donned her white satin jumpsuit with sequins. She came down proudly to show Jim and Julia, who were already in their pirate and Maid Marion costumes.

  ’What you think?’ Wee Renee asked proudly.

  ‘Yes, it’s great … that,’ Julia said. She didn’t know what else to say. Jim as usual out of sheer honesty said what was on his mind.

  ’I don’t know what you are Wee Renee. What are you supposed to be?’ Jim asked.

  ’I’m Barbara Streisand when she was in A Star is Born,’ Wee Renee said. ‘Can’t you tell Jim?’

  ‘No, I can’t tell. I would hang a sign around your neck for that one. Although it could just be me. I’m not good on that sort of stuff,’ Jim said.

  Gary came to call for Jim and Julia. Ernie waved from the passenger seat. He had hired a fabulous Elvis costume. Gary had his cowboy hat on, a brown leather jacket and some jeans.

  ’I bet you can’t tell what I am?’ Gary asked. ‘You will when I get my prop out.’

  He walked to the back of the Land Rover as Julia and Jim were getting in and came out with what he had made out of the egg boxes, which was now painted bright green.

  ‘Look at my crocodile. I’m Crocodile Dundee.’ He said.

  ’It’s very effective that is,’ Wee Renee said.

  Spotting Danny in the Landrover, she went over to speak to him. It was quite clear what he was, sitting in a purple suit, with a top hat.

  ’Willy Wonka eh?’ She said. ‘Who would’ve guessed you would pick that. Very original. See you in a bit. I should be over soon when Pat gets here.’

  ‘Look at this,’ Gary said. Wee Renee came to look in the back of the Land Rover. Next to the crocodile was a cardboard box, labelled Digestives. Gary opened the flaps at the top. Inside were eight Molotov Cocktails that he had made up.

  ‘For big jobs,’ Gary said.

  ‘Do you think they are safe in that digestive box?’ Wee Renee asked. ‘What if you go over a big bump?’

  ‘Protection of life and limb first, always with me,’ Gary said. ‘Those are as safe as houses. Don’t worry, I poke the flaps in.’ Gary shut the back doors and nodded once at her, before getting back into the vehicle.

  The Land Rover drove off into the fog and Wee Renee went back inside. She was taking the Wedding present over in a large insulated freezer bag because it was sturdy and padded. Wee Renee had several weapons in there, and a stuffed backpack.

  She checked out of the upstairs window, to look for Pat and Jackie’s car. Across the road, she could just about, through the fog, see that
Tony’s party were on their way too. She could tell that Tony and Sue were going as Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, but she couldn’t understand what the boys were going as.

  The only sure thing was that Bob had a ginger wig on and a moustache. Adam had a peroxide blonde hair on and a long black coat. Tammy and Miles were right, this was far more exciting than a traditional Wedding. Suddenly, Jackie’s car was there. Wee Renee rushed out, locking the door behind her.

  ’You really do look like Barbara Streisand, Rene,’ Pat said. Wee Renee beamed at them both. That was all she wanted to hear.

  ‘I know,’ Wee Renee said proudly.

  ’Yes, your hair looks lovely like that, Wee Renee,’ Jackie said, who was dressed as Jo Brand. Wee Renee got in the back of the car, and they set off.

  The fog was very thick on the hills between Friarmere and Moorston. Jackie stared forward and blinked at the whitish grey blanket that she was attempting to drive through. Her lights reflected the fog back at her, and she changed the beam regularly, but never found them any use, only a hindrance.

  She could only just see about two feet in front of her. The lines didn’t seem normal in the middle of the road, so she had to keep steering gently away from them, wary that there was a sheer drop the other side. There was also the added threat of sheep, who were prone to just jump out around here. This was hard going.

  As they got further into Moorston, the fog was slightly thinner although definitely still present. Jackie drove past the house that last winter, Wee Renee and her gang had spent a couple of nights in and their friend Laura had been killed in.

  As they got closer and closer to the Village of Moorston, they noticed a definite change. The Village looked older or more decrepit. Wee Renee could not see too much detail until the car stopped.

  Wee Renee was just looking out at the parts of the Village that were visible through the fog. Something was different, but she couldn’t quite put a finger on it. No, it didn’t look older, that wasn’t it. As they got closer to the centre, it was more apparent, because the change was now chronic, and it hit her.

  Everything was wet there. Bright lime coloured moss grew on the buildings. The pavements were slimy green, the metal railings that they drove past were beginning to rust. Surely the villagers had noticed this. It was clearly different. Why hadn’t this alerted them? This was far worse than Friarmere or perhaps she would not have noticed her Village turning either if the change crept up very slowly.

  They drew up near the Bandroom. Lots of the other guests were outside. It wasn’t quite dark yet, but they were going to go and mingle for a while before the Wedding started.

  The air felt incredibly moist. Wee Renee thought that if she stayed out long enough, all her curls would drop out. As she began to walk towards the Bandroom, she felt that the car park was dangerously slippy.

  She looked in the direction of the river. Nothing was about yet, although she couldn’t quite see it because of the intense fog. The trees in the centre of Moorston were covered with moss. Thick clumps were on the branches, which seemed to weigh heavy on the boughs. They looked like ghosts of trees or ancient monuments of what a tree used to be.

  Wee Renee felt a little scared, but also excited. This came with the unsurety of the situation. She didn’t know how many monsters were going to attack tonight and now they had the pirate ghosts, who knew how much pain they could inflict? The gang didn’t need fog on top of everything else. Most importantly Tammy and Miles did not need this happening on what should be one of the happiest days of their lives.

  Tony and his family had still not gone in, as Sue was giving the boys their rules about the rumoured fighting tonight... The four of them got out, but the boy's costumes were still a mystery. Wee Renee had to satisfy her curiosity, so she, Pat and Jackie went straight over to the family

  ‘You make a fine lady Diana, let me tell you,’ Tony said, now hiding his weapon about his person. He was unable to wear it while driving.

  ‘I know it suits me,’ Pat said genuinely.

  ’I’m sorry, I will have to ask, you know your old Wee Renee doesn’t know everything. What have you two lads come as?’ She asked.

  ‘I’m Spike from Buffy,’ Adam said.

  ‘Ah yes, so you are, of course. I’ve watched Buffy,’ Wee Renee said.

  ’And I’m Keith Lemon,’ Bob said. Wee Renee examined him, with his ginger hair and moustache. Complete with Hawaiian type shirt.

  ‘I’m sorry I don’t know him, is he Scottish?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ‘No. I think he’s from Leeds,’ Bob replied.

  ‘That’s funny. He looks like a lot of Scottish people that I know. I’ll look Mr Lemons up, see how close you got,’ Wee Renee said, smiling. ‘I’m Barbara Streisand, when she was in A Star is Born.’ Neither Bob nor Adam knew who that was. Sue laughed picked up their Wedding present for the couple, shoving it under her arm and they went inside.

  When they got into the function room, it was already quite packed, and they were looking for groups of seats to be together. Rick and Lauren had come as the Two Ronnies. Two different pairs of glasses and two black suits. Alan and Ann were Steed and Emma Peel from The Avengers. Alan was propping up the bar and talking to Liz and Andy, who were Princess Leia and Darth Vader.

  Maurice, Freddie and Brenda walked up to the three ladies. Maurice was dressed as the Joker from Batman and Freddie was wearing a Naval Officer’s uniform. In the back of her mind, Wee Renee thought he had mentioned that he still had his fathers. Brenda had a head square around her hair and was in some dungarees. She seemed to be from the Second World War, perhaps an ammunitions maker, Wee Renee thought.

  There seemed to be a lot of noise coming from the stairs area, which was getting louder. They could hear the throaty laugh of Our Doris. They knew the Melden lot were coming over in a small minibus with Terry driving.

  Our Doris entered first, greeting everyone loudly and slowly made her way towards Wee Renee. She was quite clearly dressed up as Marilyn Monroe.

  Terry seemed to be wearing some kind of a bald scalp, with very long hair around the sides. He wore an old suit and some makeup. His complexion was whiter than usual, and his eyes were dark hollows. Sally was dressed in a yellow jumpsuit with stripes.

  ‘Is that a motorbike outfit?’ Pat asked Jackie.

  ‘She’s the Bride, from the movie, Kill Bill,’ Jackie whispered to Pat. Kathy was dressed as a pink lady from Grease and Carl was Sherlock Holmes, complete with curly pipe.

  Beverly and Jennifer both had ginger wigs. Nigel was dressed as Austin Powers. Wee Renee thought as there were so many ginger haired people in the room, she should feel very at home. Sally was the first to get to Wee Renee.

  ’What’s your dad come as, Sally?’ Wee Renee asked. ‘I don’t recognise who he is supposed to be.’

  ’He’s proper annoyed about it, so don’t mention it. He didn’t want to bother thinking about a costume so me and Kathy said we’d sort it. As a joke, we dressed him up as Riffraff from the Rocky Horror show. He thinks we have tried to deliberately humiliate him,’ Sally laughed.

  Wee Renee pursed her lips, glancing over at Terry, who now she recognised. Terry glared across the room. He knew very well that they were talking about him.

  ’If looks could kill,’ Pat said.

  ’Hello all,’ Our Doris said, finally getting to them in her high heels which were obviously hurting her.

  ’Hello, Our Doris. I hope you brought something to fight in later,’ Wee Renee said quietly, pointing down at the silver high heels.

  ’Oh yes, they are in the minibus. My old cowboy boots of course. And the sword. She was glad to get down off the wall. She wants blooding again,’ Our Doris said, winking. Our Doris stepped back and looked over Jackie, Pat and Wee Renee.

  ’Let me guess, you are Jo Brand,’ she said pointing to Jackie.’ Jackie nodded. ‘I’ve got it … you two are Shari Lewis and Lambchop!’ Wee Renee and Pat looked at her shocked and offended. Next, they looked at one another, won
dering who was Shari Lewis and who was lamb chop.

  ’Are you saying I look like a lamb sock puppet?’ Wee Renee asked.

  ’I don’t know,’ Our Doris said, realising she had put her foot in it. ‘I haven’t got my glasses on have I?’

  ’We are Lady Diana and Barbra Streisand,’ Pat said, ‘and don’t forget it.’

  Music started to play, but it was just general background music and not the Wedding March, so they carried on talking. Pat looked over the top of everyone’s heads and saw that Jason the DJ was playing the music, dressed up as Marty McFly.

  Beryl and Hazel arrived and a more different pair you could not imagine. Beryl was dressed all in black, cleavage showing, wearing a long black wig. Unusually she had chosen to come as Morticia Addams. Hazel was in a blue gingham dress with a basket on one arm - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. They joined the party and Wee Renee checked around for missing people