by J.T Jackson
“I just got out of the car. He called you?”
“Yea.”
I look around the apartment, and it's a mess. I was only gone for a few days.
"Damn Toby. It's just you here. How did you trashed the whole place?"
"It's kinda hard to get around to put stuff away, you know."
"Whatever.” I start cleaning. Picking up pop cans and dirty clothes. I can't believe he let the place get so bad. My house has never looked this way.
“I'll clean it up Lu, my bad.” Toby says.
“Oh, now you want to clean, after I've started already.”
“Damn, I'm just trying to help.”
Right when he said that, I snapped. I don't know why, but I did, and I started yelling.
“Toby, you could have helped by not destroying it in the first place. I mean really? You're a grown ass man, I'm not a maid and I'm not your mama, I shouldn't have to pick your shit up after you.”
“Lu, I just said I would get it.”
“That's not my point.” I take a deep breath and try to calm myself, but its not working. I feel myself get hot and I start sweating. The room around me was spinning and I couldn't breathe.
“Lu, you ok?” I hear Toby's voice ask, but I don't respond to it. I can't. I feel like I'm choking. And then my mind goes back. To Andre attacking me. I fall to the floor and start crying. Trying to breathe but it seems like that no matter how hard I'm trying no air is reaching my lungs. I ball up, still on the floor. I hear Toby's voice again, but can't hear what he's saying. My body disappears. It goes numb. Like the feeling I got when my mother died. That same feeling. Like I wasn't connected to my body. My face and lungs get tired of crying. So I stop. But I still can't feel myself. I'm numb again. And I just sit there quiet. Toby is still calling out my name but I can't respond. I'm not understanding. It's like I was watching him watching me. I don't know how long I was the on the ground. Not moving, not speaking. Maybe an half an hour. Then all of a sudden. I feel a hand brush against my face. I turn my face to find Ian. Before I had a chance to move again, I'm in his arms. Him carrying me like a baby. I wrap my arms around his neck and just lay my head against him. He walks me to my bedroom and lays me on the bed. He leans over me and I reach out my hand to touch his face. I'm tired and weak. I feel it in my movements.
“Luna, what happened?”
“I don't know. Why did you.. Get here? Why are you here?” I ask weakly.
“Toby called me. He said something was wrong with you. Are you ok?”
“I'm fine.”
“You’re not fine. Something's wrong.”
“I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine.”
“Then why can't you tell me what just happened? Do you even remember?”
“I.. yeah, fine, I am I am.” My words start coming out mixed and out of order and I don't even know what I'm saying. I can't think. I just keep rubbing my hand on Ian's face.
“Luna, you’re sick. You haven't been eating, you haven't been sleeping.”
“I..I am fine..I'm fine.” I try sitting up but I can't feel my body still. It's still numb. Ian places his arm against my face and forehead.
“You have a fever. A bad one.” Ian sits up and is about to stand. I reach out and grab his hand. Fast.
“No, no.” Is all I say In a faint whisper. Before I past out.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
When I woke up I was in a hospital. Tubes and cords connected to my nose and arms. Ian is asleep in a chair by a window. And Toby is on the other side of him. My mouth is dry. And my lips stick together. I cough and Ian's head pops up. He sits straight up and stands to walk to me.
“Hi.” I say weakly. My voice cracks. He brushes hair from my head and smiles.
“Hi. How you feel?” He ask.
“Thirsty.” He goes to the table beside me and grabs a cup. I sit up a little and take the cup. I gulp it down. It's so cold.
“How do you feel? Do you remember what happened?”
I shake my head no.
“I don't really remember anything. Bits and pieces. Like I remember crying and then seeing you, but nothing else really. What happened?”
“You kinda had a breakdown. A panic attack, and you were dehydrated.”
“Why?” I look up at him, and I could see in his eyes that there was something he wasn't telling me.”
“Let me get the doctor, she'll explain.”
“No, I don't want a doctor to explain, I want you to tell me.”
“Luna, really, she can tell you a lot better than I can. I'll be back.” He walks out of the room and comes back with the doctor.
“Hello Luna, I'm Doctor Hart. How do you feel?”
“I'm fine.”
“You look well. So pretty much you're here because you were having a panic attack and you also hadn't been eating much and your body was responding to that negatively.”
“Yeah I understand that. Just kinda been going through some stuff this week.”
“I was informed about that.” I look at Ian. But he wouldn't look back. He just looked at the doctor. He told her? What happened to me?
“Oh really?” I say upset.
“It was important for us to understand why you haven't been eating and having anxiety. And it's not uncommon for women who have gone though a traumatic experience to breakdown the way you did.”
Tears start falling from my eyes. Ian reaches out to grab my hand, but I move it. For some reason I'm really mad at him right now.
“How long before I can go home?”
"You may leave whenever you feel well enough to, but we would advise staying at least for the rest of the day just so we can be sure everything is alright. Also we advise you speaking to someone about your situation and what happened to you. So we can prevent something like this happing again.”
“Yeah, so I can leave?”
The doctor seems confused.
“Of course. Let me prepare your release.”
“Luna, she said you should stay until tomorrow.” Ian sits on the bed beside me.
“I don't want to, I want to go home.”
“You think you're well enough?”
“I feel fine, I already told you.”
“I think you should stay.” He says in a stern voice.
“Honestly Ian, I don't really give a damn about what you THINK I should do. I don't want to stay here. And I'm not talking to someone about my 'situation' either.”
“You need to talk about it.”
“I don't want to.” I scream at him. And Toby wakes up. But he don't say anything.
“Look, that's great and all that you're trying to look out for me, but you can go now, I can take care of myself.”
“Don't do that Lulu, don't push me away right now. Don't push me away from you.”
“You’re not with me Ian. I'm not with you. You are nothing to me and I am nothing to you. Tell me, why do you even care? Why?”
“I'm trying to help you?”
“Help me? It's you're fucking fault I'm here in the first place! If I never would have met you, I never would have went to the damn party and met him and he wouldn't have ever done this to me. It's your fault! You did this to me. You did!”
I turn and look at Toby.
“You can leave too. Bye.”
“Stop it Luna! Are you even listening to yourself? Do you hear what your saying?”
“Just get out, leave me alone. Get out of my life. I don't want to ever see you again, I hate you!”
Ian doesn't say anything else. He just walks out. And Toby follows behind him. Not saying a word. I'm mad. Dangerously mad right now. A nurse walks in.
“Ok, everything is ready for you to check out Miss Stone. Will you be needing transportation services.”
“Yeah.”
She walks over and disconnects me from the machines. I grab my clothes off of the chair and put them on.
“Doctor Hart also gave me a list of psychologist and specialists for you to speak to.”
She
hands me the piece of paper and I throw it in my purse.
-
When I got home. No one was there. I was alone. And I didn't like it. My stomach felt like it was turning and my chest started to hurt. Like I couldn't breathe. So I ran outside. I took a few deep breaths. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm doing and saying things I don't even understand why. I pull out the piece of paper the doctor gave me of people to talk to. I called the first number on the list and she said I could come in right away.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Hi Luna, I'm Doctor Lisa Franklin. I'm glad you could come in today.” She sits in a chair across from the couch I'm sitting on. I'm fidgety. Playing with my hands and nails. Shaking my leg at a million miles a hour. I'm nervous. But don't know why.
“Dr. Hart explained to me what has been going on these last few days for you and thought it'll be best if you spoke to someone.”
“I don't really have anything to say.” I tap my foot as fast as I move my leg. It's making a noise against the wood floor that I didn't even notice until the doctor looked down by my feet.
“Well, how about we start with how you feel right now. Why are you so anxious right now?”
“I don't know.”
“Have you been doing that lately?”
“I guess. Kinda.”
“And you don't know why?”
“No, I don't know why. Do you?”
I snap at her. She seems to ignore it. Because she moves to a new question.
“What made you want to come in today? When I spoke to Doctor Hart earlier, she expressed to me that you didn't really have a desire to come in today.”
“When I got home, no one was there, I don't know, I just started feeling like I did last night. Having chest pain and dizzy."
“You remember your attack last night? How'd it felt?”
“Yeah kinda.”
"And how did it feel?”
“I just told you. I felt dizzy, my chest felt like it was gonna burst. I couldn't breathe.”
“And what were you doing right before your attack?”
“I was.... Screaming.”
“At who?”
“Toby.”
“Who's Toby?”
“He's… My friend. He's been staying with me for a while.”
“So he's a roommate?”
“No, I'm more like his caregiver. He's paralyzed right now and needed some help.”
“You help people out a lot?”
“When I can I guess.” I stopped shaking my leg. I started to calm down a little. But I still felt antsy.
“Who else have you helped?”
“Well, I used to do a lot for my mom.”
“Like what?”
"Before she got really sick, I took care of the both of us. I had two jobs. Paid the bills. Brought groceries. Then when she was in the hospital, I paid those bills, got her anything she needed.”
“How is your mother now?”
“Dead.”
“I'm sorry to hear that."
“Yeah, well people die. Look are we just gonna sit here and talk about my life and what happened in the past? Or are you gonna tell me what's going on with me right now, cause that kinda why I'm here.”
“Well, yeah, that's what we're trying to figure out. The things from your past have a great deal of effect on why you here today. How long ago did your mother die?”
“Like a month ago. Two months? I don't know.”
“How did that affect you? Emotionally?”
“Well she was my mother, so I would say it effected me a lot. But I mean it’s not like I didn't know she was gonna die. People die. And she was sick.”
“Yes, very true. So lets go back to last night for a moment. You talked about how you felt during your attack and what you were doing right before the attack. Can you remember anything else about the day?
"I had came home from cake tasting.”
“Cake tasting? We're you with anyone.”
“Yeah, Ian. We were tasting cake for his wedding.”
“And who is Ian?”
“He's....” I'm not sure how to answer. I don't know what he is.
“He was my boss. At this law firm my teacher set me up with.”
“Oh, and you were helping him taste cakes for his wedding? How were you then?”
“I was fine. I guess, his fiancé doesn't like me much, so there's always tension with her, but nothing crazy.”
“Why doesn't she like you?
“She's never really said. I think she just.... “ I pause.
“I don't really want to talk about her.”
“Ok, tell me a bit more about Ian.”
“I don't want to talk about him either.” I start shaking my leg again. She sees it.
“Ian was the one who took you to the hospital last night Correct?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you often feel anxiety when you're with him? Or even speaking about him?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Luna, in order for me to figure out what's going on with you, I need to know, well what's been happening to you lately. How your life has been. If you don't talk to me, then I won't know.”
I understand what she's saying. But it doesn't make me want to tell her still. It's hard talking about Ian. Maybe because I never have. I never talked to anyone about us. Never needed to. But right now, I feel broken and if the only way for her to fix me is by me talking to her about Ian. Then I guess that's what I have to do.
“You might need to cancel your next appointment.” I say to her.
“My day is wide open.”
“Good, cause this might take a while.”
Chapter Thirty
I started from the beginning. I explained everything to her about Ian and me. About how I got the internship, how I met him at my night job. How he was my boss. I told her when we first kissed, and when he first held me. The first time I felt him staring into my soul. How he remember everything I ever told him. About how he drew pictures of me before we even met. I told her that I met his mother, and about why he's marrying Liz. How he's always there for me. Especially after my mother died. Everything I could possibly think of that has happened to me that involved Ian, I told her. Execpt for one thing. The one thing I know she wants me to talk about. The one thing that even I know deep down is the reason I haven't been right lately.
“So in these last few months, Ian has been a friend, a supporter ,and a lover to you?”
“I don't know about a lover. I mean, I love him. More than I think any person could ever love someone, I can't tell him that though.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I'm afraid if I say it out loud, then it becomes real.”
“You don't want your love to become real?”
“Well, we can't have a real love, so why bother with it.”
I drift off. My mind goes to Ian. I'm thinking about what I said to him earlier and now I'm feeling bad about it.
“Have you and Ian ever been intimate?" The doctor ask. I pop back to reality.
“You mean like sex? No, no. I'm a virgin.” I catch myself as I remember.
“I was, I mean.”
“You were?”
“Yeah. Can we move on now.”
“Luna, you and I both know that this is what we need to talk about. That this is what we’ve been working up to all day.”
“I don't want to talk about it.” I say quietly.
“When you came in this morning, you said you wanted to get better. I can't make you better, only you can do that, but I'm here to help you and I can't help you unless you let me help you.”
“Maybe I should come back another time. We've talked a lot today.”
“Really Luna, you’re going to do that?”
“Yes, because I told you I don't want to talk about it right now.”
“Ok,ok, fine. How about this. You make a appointment to come back tomorrow, or in a few days
. And we’ll just keep talking and growing and eventually maybe you'll be ready.”
“Yeah, ok. Umm. Thanks I guess.”
“Thanks for coming in. I really hope to see you again either tomorrow or some time this week.”
I gave her a hand shake and a little smile and left. Right when I got outside, I called Ian. Of course he answered on The first ring.
“Luna?”
“Yeah. Can I come over?”
“Of course. I'm here.”
“Ok, I’ll be there.”
“Ok. See you soon.”
-
Before I could even knock on the door, Ian had opened it. We just looked at each other for a few seconds, before I ran into his arm and buried my face into him.
“I’m sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean what I said.”
“It's ok baby. I know, I know.”
“I was just so, mad. Like really mad, and I knew you wouldn't say anything back. I know I'm not right. Something in me is broken. I went to Doctor Franklin. She's a therapist. We talked. A lot. About you. She wanted to talk about, the other thing, but I just couldn't.”
“Luna, I could only imagine about how hard it must be to go back to that place. How scary it is. But, unless you want to be afraid the rest of your life, you need to get it out. You need to talk about it.”
“I don't think I can. I don't know how.”
“You have to try.”
I know he's right. I'm just scared, but I don't want to be for the rest of my life.
“What time is it?” I ask Ian.
“5:43”
“I'm gonna make a appointment for Dr.Franklin. For tomorrow I guess.”
“I love you Luna. You know that right?”
I turn around to look at him, and I walk over to him. I place my hand on his chest. Then I reach up and kiss him. The first time since the attack.
“I needed to hear that.”
I go back to the phone and call the doctors office. I made a appointment for tomorrow at noon.
“I'm proud of you Luna Sol.”
“It's hard.”
“I know it is. But you’re doing it. Cause you are strong and I will stand behind you the whole time. And I will catch you if you fall. Always. You know that right?”
“Yeah, I do.” His phone goes off and he answers it. He doesn't even say anything. He's just listening to someone. I know who, because his face drops the way it always does when he talks to her.
“Yeah, I told you that was fine, why are you still looking for flowers. It's in three days.”
Three days? Damn, he is getting married in three days. I hadn't even realize that it was almost time. It seemed to soon. I really can't lose him right now. Not when I know I need him the most. But we can't do what we’re doing now after he gets married. I can't at least. No matter how much I don't like Liz, I won't do it.
