by J.T Jackson
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“So how did you feel after you realized you were falling in love with a man engaged to be married?”
Dr. Franklin was coming hard on the questions today. Maybe because I only had a hour this time and not the whole day.
“I guess, I just forgot sometimes. Forgot that he was getting married. Forgot that he was with someone else because when I’m with him, the rest of the world disappears. We’re the only two people in it and anything and everything is possible when I with him. So most of the time, I didn't stop to think about it. But when I did. Honestly, I didn't feel bad. Liz is a awful person and she doesn't deserve him. And he doesn't even love her.”
“You know that for a fact?”
“That he doesn't love her? Yeah. I mean. He told me that.”
“But I mean there has to be something there for him to be willing to spend the rest of his life with her.”
She got me there. I didn't know what to say. I mean I know he told me why they were getting married, but it's still a puzzle to me. Something has to be holding them together. Something other than just a business proposition.
“Have you ever asked him to leave her?”
“No, not really. I mean I've asked him why is he still with her if he doesn't love her. And he has told me he would.”
“Why? Haven't you asked him to leave her, I mean?”
“Well, I guess, I just figured that if everything he says is true, then I wouldn't have to. If he truly loved me, then he would make that decision on his own.”
“Well, with him being scheduled to be married tomorrow, don't you think he's made his choice?”
“Are you saying that, that he's not choosing me? That he's choosing her?”
“I’m saying that, he's had a lot of time to back out of this wedding, but yet, it seems to still be happening.”
She's making me think a little more than I want to right now. I don't want to think about the fact that Ian has clearly chose to be with Liz over me. Deep in my heart, it’s something I already knew, but now it's becoming real.
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Chapter Thirty-One
When I left the doctors office, I went to Ian's apartment. I knew he would probably be busy, but I didn't care. I knock on the door long and hard. He opened it right away.
“Hey. How’d it go?” He seemed excited to see me. Can't say I felt the same.
“I need to ask you something. And I need you to be completely honest with me.”
“Of course. Always.”
“Why are you really marrying Elizabeth?”
He paused. Shocked that I asked. He started biting on his bottom lip, like I do when I get nervous. Only when he does it. It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy to think about not being able touch or kiss him again.
“You can't marry her.”
“Luna,” he tries to interrupt me.
“No, don't. Don't marry her. Please.” A tear fell from my eye without permission.
“You know this is something I have to do.” He grabbed me and pulled me into him.
“But you don't. You don't have to marry her. You know that? It can just be you and me. Aren't I enough? Aren't I enough for you?
“Of course you are. You’re more than enough. You're my everything.”
“Then why are you marrying her? Why is she the person you want to spend the rest of forever with? Why is she the one that gets to be your wife? The one you lay next to at night and wake up to in the morning,The one who's gonna have your children, the one you're gonna grow old with? That's what she gets. Me, all I get is lonely mornings and secret nights and hidden love and growing old knowing the person I love is growing old with someone else.”
His head pops up to the word love.
“Yes, Ian. I love you more than any other person in this world can love one person. And the idea of not having you, kills me. Kills me so much that I rather cut out my own heart than lose you. You are MY everything. You made me change my life. You made me love me, because I wanted to love you. You made me want to wake up in the morning and live life like I never had before. You made my life as bright as the sun, you made me live by the sun. Live in the big brightness of day and show myself to the world, so I could love you more. So you could lay with me at night under the moon and tell me how much you love me too. You made me live by the sun, so I could love by the moon. Because without the two, there wouldn't be days or nights. And I want every possible second of each of them to be with you. I truly do. But when you walk down that aisle tomorrow, all of that would be gone. Everything I've worked for, everything we’ve worked for will be gone and all of this would have been for nothing.”
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Chapter Thirty-Two
I will be nothing. Without him, I am nothing. I left Ian's apartment right after I was done saying what I needed to say. I didn't really want to hear anything he had to say. If he had anything to say. I will know his decision soon enough. He only has between now and 11am tomorrow to make up his mind. I will know then. I will know rather my life with him begins, or it ends. I'm dying inside. I can feel it. MY heart is hoping he chooses me, but my mind is going against it.
I drive down to this river me and my mom use to sit at sometimes. We would just sit and watch the water for hours and talk. Mostly about our dreams, my future. Her past. Sitting there made me think about her a lot. What she use to tell me about boys:
“Baby, men are the eighth wonders of the world. They think us women are complicated, that we’re the real puzzles. That we’re the hardest to figure out. But really, it’s them. Sometimes, they do things and don't even know why they’re doing it. That's why Adam had Eve, so someone could tell him why he was doing the things he was doing. That's why a man needs a woman. Someone to explain to him his own heart. Remember that. You don't need a man, a man needs you. Never forget it.”
She was always so good at explaining things to me. Telling me the secrets of life. Giving me the cheat codes to the game. She prepared me for life and love as best as she could. But she never prepared me for something like this. She would give me the best advise about love, but would always tell me, that love was as unique as a fingerprint. That nobody else's in the world that would be like mine.
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I woke up at three o’clock in the morning. Sweating, screaming and crying. I don't know why. I don't remember having a nightmare. Or even a dream. But after it happened, I couldn't go back to sleep. I just kept thinking about about how in eight hours my life will change for ever. Rather for better or for worst, it's going to change. I just kept replaying all the times me and Ian had. Every single moment. From the first time I saw him at the club, to the first time he kissed me. To the last. I thought about the time I first got really mad at him, when he told me he had seen me way before I had seen him. I think about every kiss, and every touch. Then, I think about a future with him. Something I don't usually do. I think about us getting married, moving into a house and raising children. Growing old and raising grandchildren. I think about how I would be able to open my eyes to him every single morning and close them with him every night. And then I think about, what is he thinking about now.
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Chapter Thirty-Three
I dragged myself out of bed around 8:30. I spend most of the time just daydreaming. When I walk into the living room, Toby is sitting on the couch watching t.v, like always.
“Hey sleepy head.”
“Hey yourself.”
I walk in the kitchen and turn on the tea kettle.
“You look tired.” Toby says to me.
“Well, I've been up since three.”
“Doing what?”
“Just been thinking.”
“About Ian getting married today?”
I never told Toby about Ian and I. So I was a little surprise that he would say that.
"Why would you ask that?”
“Lu, I had spinal damage, not brain damage. Are you kidding me? A blind person could see how in love you are with him.
”
I go over to the couch and sit next to him.
“I do Toby. I do so much.”
“And he does too.”
“How do you know?”
“I know it. I feel it when you're both in the same room. I can hear it when you say each others names, I see it when you look at each other, then try to look away because you think you've been gazing too long. It's unlike anything else I've ever seen before. It's the most beautiful, purest, sickening thing in the world when you two are together, so I just figured, it had to be love. And I know you, you don't love easy, you keep your heart in titanium class 5-V security box. Never would I have guessed that some one would figure out the code though. I don't even think you knew it.”
“You studied us so close, that you figured all that out?” I ask is disbelief. Toby’s attention span is the size of a fruitfly's.
“Yeah, that, and Ian told me himself. Actually, most of what I just said were his words not mind. Except the security box thing, that was me.” I hit his arm. I smile for a second.
"Why does he love me?”
“Why does the sun rise in the East and sets in the West? Why does the moon control ocean tides? Why is the sky blue? Because it does, because it wants to and because it is. Ian loves you because he do. It’s as simple as that.”
“Because he do?”
“Yeah, yeah I know I should've said does, but I wanted it to rhyme. My point is it doesn't matter if he's getting married today,or next week,the next millennium or ever. You and him have something that no one else in this world can take from you. And him getting married may change your relationship, but I believe love is something so much deeper than that.”
Everything Toby is saying just sounds right. Like it’s what my heart had been saying the whole time.
“When did you become the smart one?”
“I've always been the smart one, I just let you pretend for a while.”
“Thank you Toby. I mean it. For everything. I really needed to hear that right now.”
“After everything you’ve done for me, I owe you.”
“What do I do now?”
“You wait. That’s all you can do."
“Seems simple enough.”
Yeah right. Waiting is easily the hardest thing in the world to do. I looked at the clock every .5 seconds. And after what seemed like would be an hour past, would actually only be five minutes. Nine o’clock rolls by. Nine-fifteen. Ten-twenty, ten-twenty one. Ten- twenty five. No Ian. The wedding starts at 11. Ten-forty-five comes and goes. And I'm sure now that he's not coming for me. Silent tears pour out. Hidden behind a smile. At least I know, and I don’t have to wait anymore.
“I'm gonna go for a walk.”
“You sure? I think it’s raining outside.”
“Yeah I'm sure. I just need some space. I'll be back soon.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
I go out the door. And it is raining. Not bad, but enough. I don't even notice while I'm walking through it. I can't feel it hitting my skin. I can't see it falling. Tears are in my way. In fact I can't see anything I'm crying so hard and hadn't even realized it. I can't stop. I want to die. This is the feeling I knew I would have. This is what I was afraid of. I just can't believe it. I can't believe this is really happening. That he really didn't come for me. That I've lost him forever. I can't think straight. I can't think. I feel like my chest is going to explode and my head is going to pop. I wipe my eyes to keep the tears from filling up, but they're coming so fast. I just keep staring down at my feet as I walk. There aren't many people around but enough. I stop on a corner. About a two blocks away from the house. I pull out a cigarette for the first time in weeks and put it in my mouth. I search my pocket for a lighter and I realize, I don't have one. A hand appears in front of my face with a lit lighter, I pushed my cigarette into and inhale. I turn around to see who the hand belonged to. It was the man from table fourteen. It was the man who was drawing me on the sidewalk, because he said there was something beautiful about my sadness. It was the man who was always there to catch me every single time I fell. And wiped away every single tear from my eye. It was Ian.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Soaking wet in his tuxedo. The cigarette falls from my mouth. I don't move. Afraid that if I do, he'll disappear. I'm not even sure if it's really him. It can't be.
“You know, smoking is bad for you.”
Right after he said that I jumped up and kissed him. Like I've never kissed him before. I couldn't kiss him enough. He just held me tight against him and smiles in between kisses. I can't believe it. He did it. He chose me, he chose us. I get to live. I get to be happy. More than happy. This is just so surreal right now.
“What took you so long?” I smile to him.
“Well, someone wasn't waiting at home like I expected,
I had to look for her.”
I kissed him again. And grabbed his hand.
“Well, you found me.”
I looked into his eyes like every time before, he's looking back. But something is a little different. I'm looking into someone who I whole heartily loved, and I know loves me the same. There's no doubt about it. It's almost too perfect.
“I will always find you. And I will never leave you ever again.”
“You promise?”
“With all my heart.”
Author Thanks
Thank you so much for reading my book. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.
I have to give a special thanks to my best friend, and my cousin. Without her undying love and encouragement, I'm not sure if this would be possible. Also, I want to thank my mother for telling me that I can do and be anything I want and supporting me every step of the way. This was the first story that I had completely finished and I am so proud and happy that I can finally share my love for writing with so many people.
If you can, please take a moment to leave a review at your online retailer.
Thank you again!
J.T Jackson
Author Bio
J.T Jackson spends her time in Washington State. When she's not writing, she is either making music or watching movies With her mother, brother and her pet bird. This is her first self-published book but hopes many more will follow. Becoming a writer is just one of her many dreams and is consistently keeping her self entertained with one of her many hobbies, which include singing, knitting and playing video games.
Keep up with J.T Jackson on:
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Counting Stars
(Sequel to Live by the Sun, Love by the Moon)
Chapter One
“Did you get it? It’s behind the red one.” I shout at Ian, since it seems like he has a disability to see giant boxes that are in front of his face.
“Baby, you don't have to yell. I see it. Here, give me a kiss.” He leans into my face and I kiss him.
“You know, you know gonna be able to fix everything with kisses forever right?”
“Well, today I can.” He walks in the apartment with the box.
We are moving into our new place today. It's a little studio apartment on 3rd street, but it’s ours. Mine and Ian’s. Ours. The first thing we've gotten together. After the wedding, of course Ian's father got pissed off, so he took everything away from Ian. Well, everything he could. He fired him from the law firm, took his condo away. Anything that was in his name or the company's name, he took away. But Ian didn't even care. None of that matters to him. It’s been fours months since me and Ian officially got together. And its been amazing.
"Last box.” I say walking through the door. I put the box in a corner then flopped on the mattress laying on the floor. Ian came and did the same. Pulling me into him. We just looked around the room.
“Wow, this place is kinda crappy.” I said. I feel Ian look down at me.
“Yea, it is. But it's ours. No one can take it from us.”
“I love you. You know.” I say and turn to throw my arms around
him.
“I know. You know I love you more right?”
“Impossible.” He kisses my nose.
“It's true.”
“I don't think so.” He says as he lifts me. And lays me on the bed. Tickling me. I laugh, he laughs. Then he stops. Standing over me he leans down and kisses my face, then my lips and my neck. The touch of him drives me crazy. My body melts into him. I love him. I love this. Me and him together.
He reaches for the bottom of my shirt and pulls it over my head. I'm laying there in only my bra and jeans. And he does the same, only he's not wearing a bra. Joke. I rubbed my hands against his stomach. He's so fit. Every piece of his body is like it was chiseled out of marble. His body is so perfect. I can't stop touching it. I grabbed him and throw him under me. So I’m sitting on him now. I kiss his face and lips and neck like he did me. Then I reach for his belt bucket. I fumble to get it off. But I can’t. And then something's starts playing in my mind. It just hits me. Out of no where. Tears start welling up in my eyes, and I just stop and lay my head against this chest.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm trying, I just... Can't.” I cried out to him.
“Hey, no don't be sorry. It's ok. Baby.”
“You do everything for me and I can't even do this one thing for you.”
“Luna, this is not a big deal. It's just sex. I'm not with you for sex. I don't care if we ever have sex, that doesn't matter to me. I love you. Not your body. I like your body too, but you know what I mean. I understand you're still, fragile right now. We don't have to rush into anything. You don't have to force anything. And please don't feel like this is something you owe me. Being with you is the only thing in this world I want. We could be having this conversation in a giant box, living on the corner of a sidewalk, and it would be the same. I would love you the same."
I kiss his chest all the way up to his lips and I rolled off. I feel better that he talked to me. I felt like I had to do it so he would keep loving me. So that he wouldn't feel like he's missing out on something. So that I could be his perfect girl.
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