Princess Master

by Eric Vall

  I turned to look forward, and suddenly, from seemingly out of nowhere, one of the monsters started to climb over the edge of the balcony where we stood. It had apparently managed to scale the wall under us as we’d stood there talking, and my mouth dropped open in shock. I hadn’t realized any of the ghouls had gotten so close to us, and I quietly yelped in surprise as I also staggered back.

  Ghastly, skeletal hands gripped the ledge, and the horrible soldier would soon have his legs over the cast-iron rail. His brown, leathery skin reminded me of an Egyptian mummy, and unseeing red eyes glowed like hot coals in his otherwise sunken face. He wore rags that had once belonged to some sort of military uniform, and the effect was both human and not human at the same time. The being groaned as if he were in hunger and pain at the same time, and Jessamine screamed in horror.

  The situation quickly escalated when three more of the ghoul’s buddies appeared over the ledge. Then the princess’ guards sprang into action and quickly surrounded the princess, but it looked like I was going to have to defend myself from the zombie headed in my direction.

  My heart pounded in my ears as I looked down at my hands. I still held the pipe snake, and that wasn’t going to be strong enough, but my wrench was in my tool belt.

  As quickly as I’d ever moved in my life, I pulled out my pipe wrench. Then I swung the wrench with all my might as I attempted to smash the ghoul’s fingers and prevent him from climbing any further.

  The monster, though, was surprisingly strong, and he held on and swung from the wrought-iron rail by one arm. His bony fingers clawed out at me, but I brought the wrench down again as hard as I could, and his fingers snapped off at the first knuckle. Then he fell several stories to the stone courtyard below, and his body shattered against the cobblestones.

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” I gasped as my heart leapt up into my throat.

  I quickly turned to assess the situation behind me, and I was amazed to see the princess had pulled out a scimitar and was fighting off the last wraith. She slashed at his wrist, and I gasped when I saw she’d severed his hand.

  “Holy shit!” I shouted when I saw the amputated hand wiggle its fingers on the balcony floor.

  This for sure wasn’t a hidden camera prank.

  This was fucking real.

  The princess could clearly hold her own, but the zombie reached out and grabbed her wrist that held the sword. A couple of guards rushed to her defense, but I was closer, and I raised my arm with the pipe wrench.

  “Fuck you!” I screamed as I smashed the tool down on his skull.

  The blow landed successfully, his head cracked open easily with the weight of my wrench, and the undead minion fell to the ground as his mushy brain poured out onto the marble.

  I jumped back and gasped. Had I really just… killed a zombie? I stared down at the pipe wrench in my hand and noticed it was covered with an oddly glowing goo.

  This was way different than any zombie filled video game I’d ever played. My palm was slick with sweat around my pipe wrench, and my arm still reverberated from the force of my blow. Everything felt too real and intense for this to be a dream, hallucination, or a simulation.

  Yep. It was fucking real.

  Holy shit.

  I suddenly heard someone on one of the balconies beside me yell for another volley of arrows. The sound brought me back to whatever kind of reality this was, and I noticed Jessamine stood next to me. As she panted from the exertion of the fight, her breasts heaved and glistened with sweat, and she turned toward me with a wide smile on her beautiful lips.

  “I knew you were my hero,” Jessamine gushed. “The genie brought you here for the ritual, but I didn’t know I would have these feelings. I have felt something surging inside me since you got here. I have never been so drawn to a stranger before.”

  “I--” I started to say, but I was cut off when another guard rushed onto the balcony behind us.

  “Your Highness!” he cried out. “More enemies have been spotted in the lower levels.”

  “What?” the princess gasped as she whirled around.

  “We have managed to fight off the first wave,” the guard reported as he panted for breath, “but we fear more may appear. What are your orders?”

  Jessamine pursed her lips and then spun back to me. “Joe, we must talk about battle strategy. The situation is more urgent than we thought. How do you think they got into the castle?”

  “M-me?” I stuttered. “You want me to figure out your battle plans?”

  I tried to think back to the zombie fighting I’d done in video games. What would the best Dead Rising strategy be?

  “Yes, you are the hero the genie has given our world, so what are your thoughts?” The raven-haired beauty stared up at me with imploring eyes. She’d mentioned she felt drawn to me, and I sensed the connection between us as well. It was almost as if I’d known her for years. I didn’t know if it was the genie’s words or how little clothing she was wearing, but I suddenly wanted to give this woman whatever she wanted for the rest of my life.

  However long that was.

  “Y-Your Highness, to be honest, I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I promise to protect you and your palace to the best of my abilities,” I responded. “I’m guessing if they are on the lower levels, uhhhh… maybe they came up through the dungeon? Do you have a dungeon?”

  “Hmmm,” she said, and she tapped on her cheek with a finger. “It is a possib--”

  “Your Highness, you must come quickly,” another guard screamed as he ran to the balcony. “We have found where Jamar’s forces have broken through the sewers and into the bath on the ground level.”

  “Just as you thought, Joe!” Jessamine gasped as she turned back to me. “See? The genie never makes a mistake!”

  “Ohh, well, I dunno,” I cleared my throat. “I was just thinking about how they would get into--”

  “Come on!” Princess Jessamine grabbed my hand and pulled me back inside. “We need to go down to the baths and fend them off!”

  “Wait--” I tried to say, but the princess was already running down the marble halls away from me, so I sprinted until I caught up with her.

  As she quickly led me out through the chamber where I’d first found myself and out through the hall, the princess kept up a steady stream of chatter about the current situation.

  “The trouble with Jamar’s forces is they just keep on coming,” the princess informed me as we ran across the polished marble floors. “Chernabog is raising the dead, who are, of course, unlimited in number. Jamar was a great general in his day when he served the palace, but he was not a good man, and his magic has only grown stronger over time. We have about a hundred and fifty men left here at the palace, but we can only hold out for so long. But now that you are here, you can tell us what we need to do!”

  “I understand you wished me here, but where is here?” I asked. “Who is Chernabog? What exactly are we trying to save?”

  “Everything, Joe,” the elegant princess sighed with exhaustion. “We are trying to save everything, as Chernabog is a demon. No, the demon who represents everything evil in this world. Jamar is only one of Chernabog’s minions. Chernabog has raised troops of undead souls to try to take over Fairyland, in addition to those armies on the ground that have chosen to support his mission.”

  “Fairyland?” I repeated in a disbelieving voice.

  “Yes, Fairyland.” She nodded.

  “Uhh, like… where the fairy tales happen? Are you sure? Like dragons and knights and wizards and uhhh… princesses?”

  “What do you mean, am I sure?” The royal beauty stared at me like I would have if I’d been sitting at home in my living room and someone had asked me if I was sure we were on Earth. “Where else would we be?”

  “I guess I’m still freaking out about it,” I said. “Before I came here, I was working on fixing a clogged drain, and--”

  “Wait!” The princess shouted, and we skidded to a halt in front of a portrait on the
wall. “This is Jamar. This was painted when he was my father’s advisor. I keep it as a reminder of who our enemy is.”

  I examined the picture of a slim, dark-bearded man who wore a turban with a ruby set into the front. Jamar’s eyes were strikingly dark, and it was almost impossible to see their pupils. I imagined him coming closer with every step of the horde, and I shuddered at the thought of the evil that lurked behind those black eyes.

  “He looks like an asshole,” I muttered under my breath.

  “What did you say, Joe?” Jessamine asked innocently.

  “Uhh, he doesn’t look like a nice dude,” I cleared my throat.

  “Oh, no,” she agreed as she nodded. “He is very mean and evil. He must be stopped, so I am glad you are here.”

  “Uhhh, yeahhhh,” I said. “Let’s keep going to the bathhouse.”

  “Of course!” she said, and then we continued our sprint down what seemed like dozens of carpeted stairs and through too many marble hallways to count. Guards and servants ran through the hallways like chickens in a coop after a fox had just jumped in, but the princess weaved between them like a dancer who had practiced the movements all her life.

  “This is the bath, Joe,” the princess said as soon as we rounded a corner and came upon a massive archway.

  “Wow,” I gasped as soon as I stepped into the massive chambers.

  I’d seen some pretty fancy bathrooms back in L.A., but nothing like this.

  Ornate tilework in shades of deep blues, greens, and yellows decorated the floor of the room in elaborate floral patterns, and in the center of the chamber sat a giant pool, large enough for at least fifty people. Steam rose from the water, and I could imagine a luxurious soak after a long day like this one. Tiled columns rose from the floor to meet a domed golden ceiling, and I imagined each column had probably taken at least a year to craft.

  I took a step back to survey the room, which, if you could ignore the corpses the guards had piled against the walls, was pretty amazing, given that it was larger than the footprint of my apartment back home.

  “Your Highness, this has been a nightmare,” one of the guards said, and I turned to look at the defenders.

  Three guards stood around with shocked expressions on their faces as they stared at the zombie corpses sprawled out on the floor, and I quickly noticed a huge hole had been burrowed up from the sewers to the room above.

  “Looks like they dug up through the tile.” I shivered as I imagined their long fingers clawing their way up through the dirt.

  “There were only a few, for now, but the onslaught on the palace has begun,” a second guard said.

  “This is terrible,” the princess moaned. “If they have breached the sewers, it is only a matter of time until they have invaded the entire palace.”

  “I’m surprised they could dig through marble,” I began, “Unless…”

  I knelt down next to the hole the zombies had dug through the floor and ran my fingers through the white dust where they had breached. It didn’t look like marble, so I raised the powder to my mouth and gave it a quick sniff.

  If this was limestone, a super insane plan suddenly sprang into my mind.

  And it was just crazy enough to work.

  I knew there was a substance that could burn even through water: Greek fire, or, in modern terms, napalm. If I could think back to my old chemistry class days, I even had an idea for how to make it. I just needed something that would burn, like the lamp oil I noticed in all the lamps mounted on the walls of the palace, and I needed something sticky, like lime that I could get from limestone.

  And if we had napalm, I believed I could use my plumbing knowledge to rig up a distribution device, something like a rudimentary flamethrower.

  This whole situation may be batshit insane, but I was suddenly starting to get excited.

  “Princess Jessamine,” I called out, “I think I may have an idea.”

  Chapter 2

  “What is your plan, Joe?” she asked as her eyes opened wide.

  “Your Highness, I need you to get me some lamp oil,” I said as a plan began to fall into place in my mind. “We are going to need at least three or four gallons, or small barrels full.”

  Jessamine didn’t question me, and she turned and nodded to the guards who listened at the door. They immediately rushed off to serve her at the first sight of her gesture, and I should have known a woman of her status wouldn’t need to fetch her own supplies.

  “What else are you going to need, Joe?” she asked me in a silken tone.

  “I’m going to have to collect some materials from this bathroom,” I said as I gestured to the tubs, and the irony didn’t escape me. How many times had I worked in the bathroom in someone’s home? It seemed like I was back in familiar territory.

  “Of course,” Jessamine said. “What can I do?”

  “What I was thinking was I could try getting the limestone from this bath and using it to thicken the lamp oil, because I want to make a fire Jamar can’t put out,” I started to explain my plans to Princess Jessamine. “I believe I can make a device that will shoot sticky flames that can withstand his rainstorms.”

  “Magic flames?” The princess’ eyes gleamed in excitement. “I knew you would have an idea, Joe!”

  “I think I’ll be able to collect the limestone myself with my tools, but I’m going to need more supplies from the guards.” I stood still for a moment and tried to think of what else we would need to construct our weapon. “First, I’ll need at least a couple of cauldrons. I’m going to need to mix limestone and water in one, and I’ll need to heat the lamp oil in the other.”

  I had started to get really pumped up about this project.

  “Guards, please fetch Joe the cauldrons he needs,” Princess Jessamine commanded in a firm but gentle tone.

  My ideas had started to come quicker and quicker.

  “I’ll need something to pump air into the cauldron and force out the fuel,” I continued. “I know, a bellows would work! And I’ll need some length of pipe, as well. Oh, and a large metal spoon to stir the mixture together.”

  “All of that can be found down at the foundry by the stables,” the beautiful princess declared. She nodded to the guards, and they rushed off.

  Soon, it seemed like the entire palace staff had sprung into action to grab me my supplies.

  “First, I’m going to need to collect more limestone,” I informed Princess Jessamine. “I think I can use the tools from my belt to scrape it off the walls. We’re going to need a lot.”

  “Joe, you don’t need to waste your time doing labor like that,” Jessamine laughed at me. “Let’s have some of my servants gather the limestone for you so you can work on other things.”

  I nodded. I would take all the help I could get.

  “I was thinking we could use a hammer and some sort of chisel to chip the rock from the walls, and a mortar and pestle to grind it into the type of powder I need to dissolve into the water,” I said.

  “Fetch the tools we don’t have from the workshop and the kitchen, please,” she instructed her men with an imperial wave of her hand, and the men turned to do her bidding.

  “Ahh, thanks,” I said as more people began to run into the bathroom.

  “It seems like you are going to need a lot of materials,” the beautiful princess said.

  I suspected she was thinking about the destruction of her bath. Though given the fact zombies had already busted the floor wide open, I thought that ship had kind of sailed.

  I’d received two cauldrons, one large and full of the lamp oil, and one a bit smaller. I placed both cauldrons over flames to warm. The workers began to gather limestone for me by hammering into the bathtub, and I told them to dump the limestone powder into the smaller cauldron.

  “I’m going to try to mix this shit together with water,” I told her as I scooped warm water from the bath into the cauldron that contained the limestone. “I need the limestone and water to heat for a few minutes so they can con
geal, which will make it sticky. Jessamine, you’re going to see an explosion like you’ve never seen before. I just wish there was a way to speed this up a bit. I think it will help once I’m able to stir it.”

  “Don’t worry.” The beauty smiled at me reassuringly. “My soldiers can hold off the undead for a bit while you figure out your magical potion.”

  “We’re back,” one of the guards gasped as a couple of men returned with the bellows, pipe, and an iron spoon, which I was happy to see.

  “I’m also going to need my bag of tools,” I informed the princess.

  “Go ahead, ask the guards,” she laughed and nudged me in the side. “They will follow your orders, hero.”

  “U-um, guards,” I cleared my throat since I wasn’t used to giving orders. “I’m going to need my tool bag from the princess’ chambers.”

  “Of course, sir.” One of the men immediately sprang into action, and I supposed I could get used to this.

  But I also wanted to get some answers as to why I was here.

  “Princess Jessamine… ” I began as I stirred the heating limestone-water mixture.

  “Yes?” She looked at me with those deep, dark eyes, and I was struck again at the sight of her athletic body and by how little she really wore under that armor.

  Again, now wasn’t the time, though.

  “I’m trying to wrap my head around being transported by a genie.”

  “It did seem rather abrupt,” Princess Jessamine said with a frown. “I apologize, Joe, but the genie was my last resort. I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “I understand.” I nodded. “Maybe you can tell me a little bit more about this demon dude?”

  “Oh, Joe, Chernabog is so bad,” the princess lamented. “He can raise the dead, and then Jamar controls them with his powers of hypnosis. The zombies have no minds of their own, they have just been created to fight. And they are strong.”

  “I’m hoping this flamethrower works,” I told her. “Maybe we can get rid of some of these assholes permanently.”

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” she gushed. “I just knew you were going to be able to come up with a plan.”