by Eric Vall
“So, are you alone in this war against Chernabog?” I asked, and I hoped the princess, and now me, I guess, had some allies.
“I am alone for now.” The princess regarded me gravely as her scimitars gleamed in the light of the fire. “I was expecting reinforcements from the other kingdoms, but they haven’t arrived yet. For the time being, it’s just me and the few troops who have remained loyal to me. Jamar is a powerful leader, and many have followed his call.”
“Well, you have me now.” I tried to smile bravely at the beautiful woman. I felt compelled by her story, and I didn’t know how to get out of “Fairyland” even if I had wanted to.
“Yes, and you have me, too,” she said as she returned my smile. “I will do whatever it takes to unite the kingdoms and bring the princesses together to defeat this evil. I am happy to submit to the marriage ritual--”
“Wh-whoa,” I stopped her as I raised my hands. “Everyone keeps bringing up marriage. And there are more princesses? And I’m supposed to unite them? What are you talking about?”
“I’ll explain more later,” the princess cleared her throat and blushed a bit. “How is your mixture?”
“Hmmm,” I said as I glanced down at the pot I was stirring.
And my heart sank. The lime appeared to have thickened into just mud, and it really didn’t look like it would work at all.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” I sighed.
“Oh?” Jessamine asked as her face fell.
“Yeah,” I groaned. “I think the issue is I just can’t get the lime hot enough to liquify it in just a cooking pot.”
“What shall we do?” she wondered.
“Hmmm,” I said as I tried to search my brain. “Okay… maybe I don’t need the lime at all. It’s really just sticky stuff I need to mix in with the oil. Do you have any like… honey comb? How about wax, or resin, or tree sap? Maybe some fortified wine you might use for cooking?”
“Guards!” the princess barked, and she conveyed my words to them when the group ran up to us.
The men saluted, and not even a minute later, a bunch of men ran in carrying the various things I’d asked for.
“Let me try this first,” I said as I took some honeycomb from one man. Then I set the failed lime mixture aside and began to stir the honeycomb into the second pot with the heating lamp oil.
I moved slowly and carefully, but the vat was filled with oil, so I really didn’t see much change when I added the lump of honey comb.
“Okay, that’s probably good,” I said to myself, and then I grabbed a hunk of resin that another guard gave me.
That went into the pot, along with a few jugs of wine, some more honeycomb, and some more resin that looked like they were once molds for candle sticks.
“It’s getting a bit stickier,” I muttered as I slowly stirred the contents of the pot. “Yeah, I think this will work.”
“What happens next?” the dark-haired princess asked.
“I need to figure out how to put a lid on this,” I said.
“I’m sure you know the correct way, Joe,” the princess replied.
I nodded at her and continued to mix the liquid. I couldn’t believe I might actually be making fucking napalm with random sticky shit. This was just the chemistry part, though, and I still had a lot of welding to do. A guard had just returned with my full set of tools, and this was going to be the real test of my abilities.
“Here you are, sir,” the heavily-armored man said as he handed me my tool bag.
“Thanks, buddy,” I responded as I continued to stir the sticky oil. I didn’t know exactly how much wax, resin, and cooking wine I needed to put in, but I’d added a bunch of stuff, so the mixture kind of began to feel like watery oatmeal, and I guessed there was just the right amount of stickiness in the oil.
“I need to figure out how to seal the cauldron and solder the pipes into the right positions,” I announced, and I hoped I sounded more confident than I was feeling at the moment. “Jessamine, can you bring me the lid to the cauldron?”
“Of course,” she answered, and then she ran to fetch the lid for me.
I reached down into my plumber’s toolkit to grab my torch and pipe bender, and I realized something insane. I’d begun the day with Frank’s sink, and now it was time to make a flamethrower. As crazy and dangerous as this situation was, I had to admit it was fucking awesome at the same time.
“Here is your lid, Joe,” Jessamine said as she returned with the top to the cauldron.
“First, I’m going to need to bend a pipe that runs from the oil up and over the curved edge of the larger cauldron,” I explained as I took the lid from her and put it on top of the napalm pot. “Next, I’m going to solder another couple of pipes to the first one, creating a horizontal flame delivery system that will blast those zombies into the sky.”
When I used the bellows to pump air into the cauldron, it would, in theory, send a blast of hot napalm out through the pipes, which could then be unleashed upon Jamar and his forces.
If it worked right, this thing would be a beast.
As I gave her instructions, the princess and I worked together to construct the device. I had to admit it was a turn-on to see her with greasy hands and dirt streaked down that perfect face of hers.
I pulled out my torch, and Princess Jessamine looked amazed.
“What is that, Joe?” she asked. “I have never seen a machine with buttons like that.”
“It’s a blowtorch,” I replied, and handed her the tool.
“Wow, your tools are so fancy!” She pressed the button and giggled when a small blue flame shot out. “Were you some kind of blacksmith at home?”
“No, I was a plumber,” I said as she handed the torch back to me. I grabbed a pipe and began to work on its base. “And one of these costs about twenty bucks at Home Depot.”
“Bucks? Home… what did you say?” Jessamine stared at me with a puzzled look on her face.
“Never mind,” I told her as I gestured at another tool. “Can you hand me my wrench?”
Even though she didn’t know the modern names for tools, I was actually impressed at her mechanical knowledge. I’d imagined a princess would have been trained more in the so-called womanly arts. Given the looks she would throw me from time to time, however, I also imagined she was good at many womanly things.
“Joe, you’re so amazing,” Princess Jessamine raved as I continued to work on my flame delivery contraption. I’d managed to successfully bend and solder the pipes under extreme pressure, and I didn’t feel too bad about the situation.
“I think we’re ready,” I announced in a resolute voice. “Let’s bring the flamethrower up to the castle walls.”
I wasn’t sure how we were going to carry it, but the guards soon came up with a solution. They slid two large poles under the entire platform containing the fire and the device, which would allow four men to carry the flamethrower and control its position during action.
We left some guards behind to watch the hole from the sewers, and then Jessamine and I followed the men carrying my invention through the long, dark ground floor corridors, out through a kitchen door, and into the royal courtyard of the palace. We were headed for the tops of the palace walls, where I could set up my device, and after what seemed like endless sets of staircases, we reached our destination.
Once we got on top of the wall, the guards immediately put the weapon into position on the wall walkway. However, the princess began to pace back and forth and anxiously glanced at the battlefield below us. Her scimitars, which she twirled nervously in her hands as she walked, appeared to be made of solid gold and they glittered in the moonlight.
“Princess Jessamine, are you ready to blast some zombies?” I asked her once I’d made a final pass over my pot of makeshift napalm.
“Whatever you need, hero.” She bit her lip, twirled a strand of her long, black hair, and smiled warmly at me, and I had to admit I really liked it when she called me that.
&nbs
p; Besides, could a true hero ever really escape his destiny? Especially a destiny that involved some sort of marriage ritual with several princesses?
It was possible I’d gotten ahead of myself. I didn’t run into many women like Jessamine in my day to day life, but when I did, they quickly turned their noses up when they found out I was a plumber. Yeah, her attention had worked me up a little bit, and it seemed as if she liked me, but I didn’t want to get too distracted.
I had a bunch of zombie assholes to light on fire.
I needed to stay on my toes, so I looked back at the guards, who still held the weapon in position on its poles.
“Let’s go over to the edge of the wall, Princess Jessamine, and I’ll show you what we are going to do,” I said as I boldly reached out my hand to the spectacular woman.
“Yes, this is quite exciting.” She grabbed an arm instead of my hand so she could keep holding both scimitars, and then we both stepped to the edge of the wall so we could look over it.
The city beyond the wall looked like something out of an Arabian movie, with complicated systems of balconies and staircases and the ever-present domes. The number of undead minions seemed infinite as they swarmed throughout the city walls. Their terrible red eyes stood out from haunted, half-rotted faces, and I had to fight off a wave of nausea. It was now impossible to ignore the shouts, howls, and moans from below, and my eyes drifted out to the end of the horde where their general stood some three-hundred yards away.
Jamar was so close I almost thought I could hear him bark orders at his ghastly soldiers. I could see the man in person for the first time, and his evil aura was palpable even at what I thought was some three-hundred yards. He carried a huge, gold staff topped with a carved tiger’s head. Jamar’s deep, black eyes stared intently into the darkness, and the tiger’s eyes glowed as red as those of the zombies.
A front line of devilish infantry had reached the palace wall, and Jessamine’s mounted guards fought them off to the best of their abilities. The archers continued to fire their flaming weapons, but as soon as the flames would hit, Jamar would cast his rain spell over the battlefield.
It seemed his magical power knew no bounds.
“The napalm in the cauldron should be hot enough by now,” I told Jessamine. I hoped I looked braver than I felt, because with only one wrong spark, we could all explode.
“It will be okay, Joe,” the stunning woman reassured me. “This war has been going on for a very long time, and we have been through many fierce battles. We will get through this one with your help. I know we will. The genie granted my wish, after all, and brought you to me.”
I flashed her an appreciative grin and hoped I’d set up the system of pipes correctly. If everything worked correctly, and we pumped the bellows, a giant arc of flammable slime would shoot out over the enemy troops. Then we’d light that shit on fire and destroy Jamar and his minions.
“Okay, guards,” I started. “You all can start pumping the bellows.”
Two of Jessamine’s soldiers nodded and began pushing on the bellows urgently, and then the inside of the pot began to gurgle. The gurgle soon turned into a roar, and then the roaring grew louder, and I could imagine the cauldron’s inflammatory contents growing more and more pressurized.
“We will destroy them with your magic.” Princess Jessamine rubbed her hands together in anticipation, and the firelight glowed in our eyes.
“Here goes nothing,” I muttered to myself as I picked up the nozzle, aimed it down the wall, and took a deep breath.
Then I flipped the release valve and unleashed the napalm.
“We can do this!” Jessamine exclaimed, and I hoped she was right.
I looked over the edge of the wall and saw Jamar ride his mount closer through the dense throng of his undead minion army. They were pushing up against the wall like a lake shouldered against a cracking dam, and I knew we weren’t going to have much more time left before they broke through and got into the princess’ palace.
Suddenly, the cauldron began to violently heave from side to side. It didn’t seem like the napalm had started to come out of the tubes, and I was worried the whole thing was clogged.
I watched helplessly as the shaking grew stronger and stronger. The noise was deafening, and I felt certain if Jamar hadn’t reached us already, the explosion would kill us first.
God, I hoped this worked.
The heated cauldron continued to rock furiously from side to side as the soldiers pumped air into my contraption through the bellows, and I hoped it didn’t knock over the men carrying the device.
The enemy forces had approached quickly, and I hoped Jamar was now in range of our weapon. I saw his mighty steed approaching the gates of the courtyard, and I pumped the bellows with all of my might. The deafening noise grew louder, and my life flashed in front of my eyes.
I didn’t know if we were about to burst into flames, or about to win the battle.
Then, suddenly, with an unbelievable roar, the pipe erupted like a Super Soaker and a huge spray of napalm shot forward into the night and rained down upon Jamar and his men.
“Holy fuck,” I exclaimed. “It actually worked!”
I saw Jessamine and the guards looking at me strangely.
“Um, Joe,” began the princess, “I’m glad you’re happy, but nothing is on fire.”
“Oh, yeah,” I laughed. “You’re going to have to have to have the archers shoot the flaming arrows again. You’ll see.”
The princess called for the archers to shoot, and I watched in anticipation as the flaming missiles arced over the battlefield.
Three… two… one…
And then they hit.
The smaller bursts of flame spread as if a lit match had been dropped into an ocean of gasoline, and Jamar’s front line was instantaneously engulfed in fire. It was like the troops had been blasted with flames from the pits of hell itself, and various shades of sun-like orange and angry purple colors painted the storm clouds in the sky. As I watched the undead forces burn, I thought they were beyond revival. The carnage was spectacular, and the explosions were a pyromaniac’s wet dream.
The buildings and surroundings might have had some external damage, but it was a small price to pay for the decimation of the enemy forces.
The zombies staggered around and bumped into each other as their faces melted. Their movement just allowed the napalm-fueled flames to spread further, and within a few seconds, pretty much every single zombie asshole was looking like that angry dude from the Inside Out Pixar movie. I could hear the zombies moan and shriek as they burned, and they blindly swatted at their melting skin with wildly flailing arms.
The scent of their searing flesh filled the air, and, disgustingly enough, I was reminded of bacon.
It was obviously the smell of victory.
I had done it. I’d constructed a primitive flamethrower in a mysterious princess’ palace and used it to take down hordes of zombies. This was unreal, to say the least.
Princess Jessamine, the guards, and I immediately erupted into cheers, and I could hear roars of appreciation from all of the men who guarded us from below and around the palace.
“Joe, you did it!” Princess Jessamine exclaimed, as she grabbed me into a huge hug and pressed the entire length of her body against my own.
“Uhh. Yeah. You know… just doing what I’m supposed to do, I guess.” I immediately had the strangest sensation when her body touched me. It was like static electricity crackled everywhere as she rubbed herself across my chest and legs.
It felt pretty damn good, and I was having problems getting the words out of my mouth.
The raging fire continued to erupt throughout the enemy troops. Napalm was called “sticky” fire because once the stuff had attached itself to something and started to burn, there was no easy way to put it out, and I prayed that even the fierce military leader’s rain spell couldn’t do the trick.
Jamar, who seemed somehow immune to the firestorm, raised his mighty staff
into the air again, and I could see the tiger’s ruby eyes burn red. I couldn’t believe the powerful sorcerer still rode erect on his horse above the rivers of flames.
I heard Jamar shout a spell in an ancient language I couldn’t understand, and then the sky split open one more time in a torrent of rain.
But when the water fell on these napalm-burning zombie assholes, not even a sizzle of steam rose up into the air. The fire was totally ignoring the water, and if anything, it kind of seemed like the water was making my chemical creation even more deadly, and it started to pool on the ground like the street was made out of hot lava. This caused the zombies to scream even louder, and they frantically spun in circles as they attempted to put themselves out of their agony.
Jamar looked around in confusion at his burning brigades, and his eyes burned bright red as he slammed his hands against the neck of his undead mount.
“Awww, the little bitch is throwing a temper tantrum,” I snickered under my breath.
Jamar smacked his mount a few more times, and then he raised his hands, chanted the mysterious spell again, and more rain began to fall, but his zombie minions still burned around him as they collapsed on the wet, muddy ground.
“What! Is! This!” The wizard screamed toward us, and then he shook his staff at the sky in anger, pulled up on the reins of his giant white horse, turned, and proceeded to retreat.
As soon as the asshole wizard rode away, the undead minions began to disintegrate into puffs of black smoke. The smoke almost seemed to take on a human form as it escaped their ravaged bodies and disappeared into the sky, but maybe it had just been a long night. There was no way for any burning being to escape, since they seemed to dissolve into thin air even as they tried to run away.
Soon, the battlefield beyond the courtyard was nothing more than a graveyard of floating ash and small lava-like pools. Little flaming pieces of fabric from the zombies’ uniforms drifted through the air, and I watched the handful of zombie troops who had escaped the reach of the flames retreat after Jamar in a slow, shuffling march.
It was suddenly calm, and, as I stood and watched the scene, I could see the silhouettes of palm trees against the sky. For a second it was like being back home in California, except for the flaming zombies down below.
