by Eric Vall
I’d done it. Me, Joe the plumber from Los Angeles, California, had used my plumbing skills to defeat thousands of undead zombies and save the princess’ palace.
It sure as hell beat playing Super Mario Brothers.
“I know I wished for a hero, Plumber Joe, but you have exceeded my expectations!” The raven-haired beauty grasped me tightly and stared up at me with a new light in her dark eyes, and I couldn’t help but notice her firm breasts pressed up against my side. Her cheeks were still flushed with heat from the flames, and I almost couldn’t handle the sensation of her body as it touched my own.
“Just doing my job, ma’am,” I cleared my throat.
“I have never seen anything like those flames that burn through rain! What great magic you possess! Once the fire touched the zombies, it never stopped burning. I think even Jamar was scared. Oh, you are the hero of the ages, and I am going to be so proud to be your wife, Joe.”
“It’s still hard to believe this is truly happening,” I said, “but I’m glad I’m-- wait, you are saying wife again? Are you going to tell me about this marriage ritual--”
“Yes, great hero.” The princess nodded. “After we have rested a bit. I will tell you everything.”
“Okay.” I sat down on a stone bench to steady myself, and Jessamine sat next to me, even closer than before. The guards seemed to pull back to give us some space, and I wished I were brave enough to reach out and pull her whole body nearer to mine. Although the princess was as fierce a woman as any I’d ever met, I still was overcome with the overwhelming urge to protect her.
“Joe, look at the sky.”
I followed the beautiful woman’s outstretched finger with my gaze, and I let out a long exhale of relief when I saw the sun breaking over what I presumed to be the eastern horizon. I crossed my fingers and hoped the zombies would start to disintegrate like they did in the movies.
I caught a glimpse of Jamar’s back as he rode away in defeat, and I closed my eyes for a moment in relief. Their evil leader had gotten away for the time being, but I must have burned a few thousand of his zombies. Maybe even more.
However, I knew we still had battle tactics to discuss. Jamar had retreated for now, but there was no way he or Chernabog would give up this easily. I’d seen pure evil in the eyes of the enemy leader, and I knew there was still a long road ahead of us.
“Hey, Princess Jessamine, didn’t you say reinforcements were coming?” I asked, since I sure hoped help was still on the way. “Whatever happened with that?”
The princess, weary from the battle, leaned against me, and it was definitely difficult to concentrate when she was this close. I was hard as a rock in my boxers, and when the princess looked at me with a small smile on her face, I was fairly certain she knew my dirty secret.
“It is a long story, Joe, and it has to do with what the genie told us,” Jessamine answered me with a gentle sigh. “Let us get some rest, and I will explain it to you when we wake up.”
I could catch small glimpses of her tan skin and the swell of her curves from out of the corner of my eye. Her heart-shaped face looked just as beautiful in the early morning glow, although exhausted, and her thick, dark hair was a messy halo around her head. It was like we’d shared an intimate moment, and I felt almost as close to the beautiful woman as if we’d spent the night in bed together.
“I can’t wait to hear it, Princess Jessamine,” I replied.
She smiled at me with a devilish look on her face.
“When we wake up, I can show you some of the great animals housed here on the palace grounds,” the beautiful woman began. “We have tigers, elephants, and even serpents. Do you know anything about handling large snakes, Joe?”
The beauty batted her eyelashes at me innocently and then giggled when I blushed. This woman was too much, and I wanted to flirt with her for hours, but I still couldn’t help but yawn.
“I’d be happy to let you show me your snake charming skills in the morning,” I chuckled.
“Come now, you look tired, let us get you cleaned up and go to your bed,” the princess said in a silky tone.
“Sounds good, Jessamine. I could definitely use a break.” I had no idea how many hours it had really been since I knocked on Frank’s red door that morning, but I was beat.
The stunning princess stood and reached again for my hand. She pulled me up from my seat, and we took the long walk around the palace to her chambers. When we got inside, I was hit once again by the luxury of the room. Heavy, velvet drapes hung from ceiling to floor around several couches and lounge chairs. The furniture was surrounded by columns that matched the ones I’d seen in the bath, and polished white marble floors glittered as they reflected the lamplight.
I’d visited a lot of mansions as a plumber, but it was clear this was really a palace.
Jessamine escorted me to her private bathing chamber, and once I quickly scrubbed the dirt and grime off me, I followed her through a door covered with a deep green curtain and into what I realized were her sleeping quarters. A giant bed stood high on a platform in the middle of the room, and although I doubted it wouldn’t happen tonight, I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to make love to Jessamine in that huge bed, deep in a pile of feathery pillows.
“Here.” Jessamine gestured at a deep blue velvet sofa pushed up against an extravagant tile wall. “I know it may be uncomfortable to sleep in the same room, as we have only just met and are not married yet, but I believe we both are safest here, surrounded by my guards.”
She didn’t have to ask me twice.
“Jessamine, thank you so much for welcoming me into your home, I’ll be able to sleep here just fine,” I answered as I stifled a yawn.
I sat down on the fine piece of furniture and thought about how to get comfortable. I considered taking off my boots, but I wasn’t sure we wouldn’t have to get up and run at a moment’s notice. I really, really wanted to remove my plumber’s coveralls, as they had grown hot and itchy, but I didn’t want to shock the princess by undressing in front of her. I sometimes wore jeans under my uniform, but it had been a hot day back home, and I’d only thrown on boxers underneath.
I hadn’t expected my next stop after work to be Fairyland.
I laid my head on an elaborately-embroidered pillow and tried to turn off my brain. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I’d apparently been transported to an entirely different universe, and that someone thought I was going to be the one to save this universe from its ultimate destruction through some kind of marriage ritual?
I could still smell the princess’ sweet, perfumed aroma from several feet away, and the scent was a bit distracting. Then I heard her sigh softly, and I longed to be closer to her and touch her again. The couch I laid on was comfortable, but I imagined again what it would be like to share her bed, which was surrounded in lush, velvet drapes and piled high with silk comforters.
Not to mention that warm, feminine body.
I must have dozed off for at least a little bit, because the next time I opened my eyes, bright, warm light streamed in through gauzy curtains that hung across an arched window. The ceilings in the room must have been twenty feet high, and when I sat up and looked out the window, I saw an endless desert landscape.
I really wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Or L.A., rather.
I’d grown up in Southern California, so I was no stranger to deserts, but what I could see from the window was truly spectacular. This was different from anything I’d ever seen before, except in pictures. Rolling, golden sand dunes stretched out as far as the eye could see, and I spotted a colorful bazaar in the distance. I hoped everything hadn’t been destroyed in the battle, since I would love to explore this new world.
As I gazed out the window, I wondered how far it was to the border of Jessamine’s kingdom. The blue waters of a far-off oasis glimmered in the near-blinding sunlight, and I thought I could even see the golden domes and spires of a distant city.
“Good afternoon
, sunshine!” a cheery voice called out to me.
I looked up to see Jessamine’s smiling face standing over me. Afternoon? I couldn’t believe I’d slept so long, although Jessamine’s couch had been way more comfortable than my IKEA frame back home.
“G-Good morning, Your Highness,” I stuttered as I quickly rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
The princess stood and held out a tray of food, and I noticed she had changed into a low-cut, cropped top and flowing pants in that same turquoise shade. It must have been the color of her family’s house, since I now noticed banners on the walls in the same tone, and it seemed to accentuate the suntanned glow of her skin. Her long hair was pulled up into a bejeweled band, and I admired her long, swanlike neck. The tops of her large breasts swelled over the top of her tiny shirt, and I couldn’t help but stare.
“You are serving me yourself?” I asked.
“Joe, I used to have a whole staff of servants to fulfill my every desire, but that was before the war,” the gorgeous woman sighed. “Now, there are only a few workers left alongside the soldiers and me. We have been fighting now for many years, and it was no longer safe to keep my personal attendants with me. I miss them very much, as many good people have fallen in these battles.”
I could see tears well up in Jessamine’s eyes, and I longed to comfort her. Instead, she batted her long, dark lashes at me and quickly seemed to recover.
This woman was clearly very strong.
“Jessamine, I’m so sorry,” I responded. “I know you’ve lost so much.”
The princess smiled sadly, but she held out the ornately carved wooden tray again, which I now noticed was laid end to end with simple bread, cheeses, and fruit.
And coffee, thank god, there was coffee.
My mouth watered as I looked at the array, and I took the tray from the princess. I didn’t want to stuff my face in front of her. I took a sip of the hot coffee, and I moaned with pleasure at its strong taste.
“You were asking last night about reinforcements,” Jessamine began as she sat down on the other end of the overstuffed sofa and grabbed a pillow to hold in her lap. “I think I need to explain a little bit more about the politics of Fairyland.”
“I’m all ears,” I replied, curious to understand more about the new world around me.
“Within Fairyland,” the enchanting woman continued, “there are several kingdoms, and, for various reasons, each has come under the rule of a woman such as myself-- who is unwed and isn’t really supposed to rule their kingdoms, but the situations… Well… I won’t get too detailed about our laws.”
“I think I get it,” I said. “Women didn’t really get a ton of rights in my world until like a hundred years ago.”
“Yes. We are allowed to rule, you see, but ideally our husbands do the duty. But none of these powerful women have husbands. Our domains cover the desert you see here, the sea and the worlds that lie underneath, the forests, the plains, and the mountains. In essence, princesses now rule all of Fairyland. When the genie referred to uniting the kingdoms and bringing the rulers together in a ritual, he was talking about the other princesses.”
“Um… someone wants me to marry several princesses?” I asked, and now my head was spinning.
“Our kingdoms have gone through cycles of wars and alliances in the past, but we are currently all united for one cause.” Jessamine ignored my question. “We must defeat Chernabog.”
“I’ve never heard of Chernabog until now,” I admitted.
Jessamine shuddered. Even throughout last night’s battle, I hadn’t seen her look so scared. A look of pure terror came over her incredible face, and her pouty lips began to tremble.
“As I started to explain to you last night,” the princess went on, “Chernabog is the embodiment of all evil. He is the monster who haunted our childhood tales, and we all grew up knowing his horrible name, although we believed he was only a legend. In mythology, it was said he could rise up above the ground in the form of a terrible, horned demon.”
I nodded in response. I’d certainly seen my share of bad guys in comic books and video games, and I started to form a horrifying image in my head of a giant, devilish creature with deep, soulless eyes. It was disturbing to imagine a being even more powerful than Jamar, but I started to get the picture.
“The trouble,” Jessamine continued to speak, “is it appears our legends have now become reality. Someone, or something, has summoned the real Chernabog, and he has recruited people like Jamar to control enemy forces and attack all that is good in Fairyland. In the meantime, Chernabog continues to raise the dead, and they fight for him. Joe, they are going to destroy us all.”
“Holy shit,” I mumbled to myself.
This was a lot to take in, and my heart had started to pound. I’d never wanted to go home so badly, but I already felt compelled to help this beautiful woman, even if we’d only met last night. It wasn’t too often I had an offer to help a damsel in distress unless her toilet wouldn’t flush. Then again, Jessamine didn’t seem like the typical damsel, either. She was equal parts sweet and badass.
“I know I keep calling you a hero, Joe,” the princess resumed as she stared at me intently, “but I don’t think you fully understand what that means. If the genie brought you here, you are the one who is destined to save us from Chernabog.”
I immediately shook my head in denial. While I’d certainly enjoyed having a beautiful woman fawn over me and call me a hero, I didn’t know if I could let her continue to think I was the one who was destined to save the universe.
“I’m only a plumber,” I began. “Sure, I welded some pipes together last night, and I got lucky--”
“No, Joe, you don’t understand,” Jessamine interrupted. “The genie is omnipotent, and he can be used to serve the forces of either good or evil. I was lucky to have his lamp fall into my hands, and I used my third, and final, wish to deliver us a person who would know how to save us all. If the genie summoned you, it must be true. You must be the one.”
“P-Princess Jessamine, I don’t even know the full story of what’s going on in Fairyland,” I stuttered. “There’s no way I can be the one--”
“Now, as you can see,” the princess interrupted as if I hadn’t spoken, “you were brought here in the midst of great danger. If I had any doubts about your status in the first place, which I didn’t, you certainly proved yourself last night. I’m not sure where you came from, but you seem to have battle skills and a tactical cleverness we have not yet acquired.”
“Thanks for believing in me, Jessamine,” I told the princess. I didn’t want to tell her my battle skills came from sitting on the couch playing video games for hours on end, and that I mainly knew about napalm from movies and the internet. If the princess wanted to believe I was a fierce warrior back home, I wasn’t going to argue. The only problem was now I would have to continue to prove myself. I hoped those long nights I’d put in sitting in my gaming chair would continue to come in handy.
“Now, regarding those reinforcements,” the princess went on. “There is another princess named Cienna who lives in a neighboring kingdom, and she had promised to come to my aid and bring troops to help battle Jamar. You will really like her, and I know she will also like you very much.”
Then the princess smiled coyly and winked at me.
“Like her?” I asked. “Uhhh… Okay?”
“But I am now concerned, because I haven’t heard from her in some time.” Princess Jessamine blushed a bit at my question, but she continued on without answering it. “When I last received a messenger bird from her, she told me she’d reached a border town and would arrive within a fortnight, but it has been much longer than that.”
I considered the situation. Although I had to admit my homemade flamethrower had been a huge success, it was clear Jessamine’s forces were depleted and that the palace could easily have fallen last night. If extra troops were available to fight Jamar, we needed to find them.
“Princess Jessamine, have y
ou considered going to search for Cienna and her troops?” I responded. “If you had extra forces right now, it would be much easier to defend against Jamar. You have a lot of guards here, but it seemed they could have been easily overwhelmed last night without the extra weapon.”
“I have been considering it every day,” the beautiful princess said with shining eyes. “But I have not been able to make a decision. I just don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t have needed to wish for a hero if we weren’t so desperate, and I am also concerned my ally, another princess, is in trouble. It is not just my kingdom that is dangerous, Joe. The world at large is no place to be traveling right now, and she may have fallen upon great danger.”
“Yeah, it definitely seems scary out there.” I nodded in response.
“However,” she went on, “this would mean leaving my palace and my kingdom behind. I have ruled here, alone, for quite some time now, and I do not know how my troops would go on without me. And yet, even though I have great powers, they are nowhere close to that of Jamar. I don’t think we can battle here on our own and survive.”
I knew the beautiful woman was right, and that she had a difficult decision to make. It would be hard for her to leave her palace and soldiers, but, on the other hand, we definitely needed reinforcements. Plus, she didn’t seem like the type to leave behind a friend in need.
I also had to admit I was intrigued by the idea of meeting another princess. If Jessamine was this beautiful, what would it be like to have another gorgeous woman around? I imagined what it would be like to have an entire harem of princesses surrounding me in these luxurious chambers. Perhaps they could use giant leaves to fan me. I hadn’t been too big on the idea of marriage back in L.A., but no one said I could marry multiple smoking hot princesses, either.
The princess had a big choice to make, but I knew what I needed to encourage her to do. I could continue to build flamethrower after flamethrower, but I was sure the clever magician would eventually come up with a way to defeat that weapon as well. Without backup, we would soon run out of tricks up our sleeves. Jessamine was a strong commander, to be sure, and her troops were fierce, but if there was anything I knew about zombies, it was there always seemed to be more of them than there were of you.
