Rebel Without a Clue

by Cathy Gaitan

  “Yeah, right,” both Julia and DaniElle say simultaneously. They give each other measuring looks.

  “A hex on both your houses,” yells Bibidee Bea.

  “Hey, now Bea. Go easy on the hexing. We might end up needing them,” warned Boom Hildie. “You know Humans get awed so easily. Even one of the Australian’s illusions might fool them.”

  “Hey,” Australian Witch hisses. “I’ve got skills you two can only dream about.”

  Hildie and Bibidee Bea just ignore her. “And I still have hopes for the Zombie Queen.”

  “What kind of hopes,” asks Julia suspiciously. Looks like I’m not the only clueless one.

  “The best kind,” smiles Hildie. “Just stick close to me,” she winks at Julia. “Real close.”

  Titus stills in his seat then looks at Julia then back at Hildie. All of a sudden he throws his head back and laughs so hard he almost falls out of his chair.

  “Why are you laughing,” Julia asks. The harder Titus laughs the angrier she becomes.

  “Hildie wants you to be her familiar,” he chuckles. Tears are streaming down his cheeks from laughter. He has a truly twisted sense of humor.

  “I thought that was just cats,” Julia says in confusion. When Titus laughs harder she actually does shove him out of his chair. “Let’s get back to business. As I said before your posse got here, this is a Zombie matter. We don’t need Wiccan interference.”

  “Oh, Julia. Stop being such a drag,” Bibidee Bea moaned. “Let’s get this search party started.”

  Carmony decides to cut to the chase. “All in favor of the Witch Hunt say aye.” Everybody with the exception of Julia and Pink are in agreement.

  “The tribe has spoken,” Carmony grins at Julia. “We are still a Zombie group though so we need to figure out which of us will be part of the hunting party.

  I raise my hand because no way am I missing out on a genuine Witch hunt. This should be one for the books. “Me! I volunteer.”

  Pink rolls his eyes and reluctantly raises his hand. Bea chuckles and says, “What a surprise. Pink volunteers to go with you.” Thankfully she ignores it when he shoots her the middle finger.

  Titus and Julia also volunteer. No surprise there. Julia’s probably trying to figure out a way to off Witchy Bea on the road.

  “I’m in too,” Carmony announces. I kind of expected that. Her previous road trip was a nightmare from what she told me. She’s probably hoping this will be a better experience. I’m all for it. It looks like the sisterhood will be strong on this journey.

  “This is going to be fun,” I whisper to Pink. I don’t think he agrees. The expression on his face says I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have. So what!

  “When do we leave,” asks Carmony.

  “Tomorrow,” Bibidee Bea decides.

  “We need to wait until our injured have finished healing,” Julia reminded her.

  “Tomorrow,” insists Witchy Bea again. “With three Witches the healing should be a breeze.”

  Julia looks like she wants to argue with her but Bea just shakes her head. “You don’t have to control everything Queen Z. I’ve got this. We leave tomorrow. First thing in the afternoon.”

  “You mean morning,” Julia tries to correct her.

  Bibidee Bea sighs and looks heavenward. “No, I mean afternoon. DaniElle brought some thunder from down under. We’ll be tying one on tonight. Sorry,” she says not sounding apologetic in the least, “you’re not invited. That’s one storm Zombies can’t weather.”

  “What’s in it,” I ask because it sounds interesting.

  “Bottled thunder, snake venom, some hair of the dog, frog legs,” DaniElle says counting off the items on her fingers. “Some pineapple to sweeten it and a habanero pepper to fire up the senses.”

  “How do you bottle thunder?” I had to ask. You would have too. Admit it!

  DaniElle looks at me suspiciously. “it’s a family recipe. I don’t share it. Ever.”

  “Is it Australian thunder,” I can’t resist asking.

  Her eyes narrow on me. “Who are you and why do you want to know,” she growls. I guess it’s kind of a touchy subject for her.

  “I’m just curious. That’s all.” Geez this Witch is defensive.

  “There are many who have tried to steal my recipe but only a few that are still around,” she retorted. “Do you feel lucky today, punk?” Great, a Dirty Harry reference.

  “Not particularly.” It’s true. It’s not my worst day but it’s far from my best.

  “That Australian Witch is a few ingredients shy of a potion,” Boom Hildie whispers to the whole room.

  “I’m pretty sure that’s a Witch thing not a geography thing,” I murmur to Pinkerton. He nods in agreement then looks at Witchy Bea warily. I guess he’s learning.

  “This meeting is adjourned,” declares Bibidee Bea. Boom Hildie and Australian Witch whistle and clap.

  “You don’t get to decide that. This is my meeting,” argues Julia desperately trying to regain the upper hand. I could have told her that wasn’t going to happen with the Witches here. Everyone else must have figured the same thing because they were already exiting the building.

  “This meeting was getting dull and me and my Witches have a brouhaha to get to,” replies Bea as she waves off Julia’s comment. “I’ll let you run the next meeting if it means that much to you.”

  Julia Caesar glares at her. “I run all the meetings. I am in charge not you!” She’s getting really worked up about this. When Titus leans over to pat her arm she slaps it away.

  “Of course you are Julia,” murmurs Bibidee Bea as she empties the entire tray of muffins into her bag.

  “Ooh, munchies! Good thinking Bea,” exclaims Boom Hildie excitedly. I’m thinking she may have sampled the thunder already.

  I guess it’s a good thing this meeting ended early. I need to go home and pack. Just kidding. K-drama is calling my name. I think I need to brush up on my martial arts skills. It’s time for a City Hunter crash course. It’s going to be a long night but sometimes saving the world requires a sacrifice. Mine is sleep.

  Chapter Two

  I’ve made a list of people I want on our Zombie Team.

  Does anyone know where I can find Sigourney Weaver?

  How about Charlize Theron?

  -from the mad ramblings of Mercy Mayhem

  Bibidee Bea

  Witch Hunting, afternoon(ish)

  Have I ever mentioned what a nag Queen Z is? Well, she is. That Zombie is always so hung up on the time. I just don’t see why Titus is so infatuated with her.

  “We were supposed to leave at noon,” Julia gripes. Again. It’s like the fourth time she’s said that.

  “I didn’t say noon. I said afternoon. And it is after noon,” I tell her. Again.

  “it’s almost 8 pm. It’s evening not afternoon,” She’s driving like a maniac. She’s in such a hurry. She doesn’t even know where we’re going. She just needs to be in control.

  “It’s not before noon so as far as I’m concerned it is afternoon.” Duh! Why is she having such a hard time understanding this?

  “You have no respect for time,” she complains. Of course.

  “You can say that again,” I mutter. I have no doubt she will. Say it again, I mean. And again. And again. Yawn.

  “You held everyone up,” she admonishes.

  I laugh and shake my head against the head rest. “You had to wake Mercy up! She was still in bed.” We found her surrounded by candy wrappers and popcorn kernels. Pink stuffed some of her things in a bag and dragged her out. Mercy’s clothes are all going to be wrinkled but I don’t think anyone will notice. That’s pretty much her ‘style’. I can hear her now snoring in the back of the van.

  “Can you both give it a rest? Nobody cares about the time,” Pink shouts from his seat in the back of the van. Next to Mercy. What a surprise. Not!

  Julia slams on the brakes in order to turn and give Pinkerton the full power of her glare. “I care,” she shout
s back at him. “It matters to me.”

  He throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “There’s no magic time machine here Julia. We can’t go back and change history. Let it go, already.” I think Pink may have left his common sense in Happyville. I think Julia may try to murder him. It won’t kill him but it will be painful.

  “Witch, are we even going in the right direction,” asks Titus. It’s cute that it finally occurred to him. It’s been over an hour but so what?

  “Nope,” I reply cheerfully.

  “What,” screeches Julia. I point at Pink and slap my palm. He owes me for saving his ass.

  Pinkerton, that wily Zombie, shakes his head at me and points at Titus. Titus asked the question so he owes the favor. The twisted Zombie grins and rubs his beard. Damn that Julia Caesar! Twisted Titus should be mine dammit. Mine!

  “Why didn’t you tell me we were going the wrong way,” accuses Julia. Isn’t that just like her? Pass the buck in my direction because she didn’t ask the crucial question.

  “Why would I? You were having so much fun playing Queen of the Universe. You wanted control so I let you have it. And guess what,” I ask because I’m petty and not ashamed to admit it. “You were wrong!!”

  “Queen of the Universe,” crows Mercy with a chortle. “That’s so awesome.”

  Julia’s gripping the steering wheel so hard I’m surprised she hasn’t yanked if off yet. She takes a couple of calming breaths then a couple more when that doesn’t work. “What direction should we be going?”

  “To the airport,” I tell her with a smirk.

  Her eyes nearly bug out of her head. “That’s two hours back in the other direction.”

  “Yes, it is. That sucks, doesn’t it?”

  “Extended road trip,” Boom Hildie calls out and Mercy high fives her.

  Julia doesn’t say anything. She just turns the van around and heads back the way we came. This trip is going to be fun. I can already tell.

  Two hours later

  This road trip sucks! Right after she turned the van around she asked Titus to drive. Julia took the shotgun seat. I wasn’t going to let her but Titus asked me to. What else could I do? He gave me that smile. The truly twisted one. How could a Witch as wicked as me resist?

  I ended up sandwiched between Boom Hildie and Australian Witch. That part wasn’t so bad. Me and my Witches holding it down!

  The truly awful part was being seated directly behind Mercy Mayhem. She was my favorite female Zombie. Until tonight that is. Now everything has changed because she is, without a doubt, the worst singer I have ever had the misfortune of hearing. She insists on singing along to every song on the radio. Whether she knows the lyrics or not and most of the time she does not. It’s funny (not really) Julia didn’t turn on the radio until I got seated behind ‘tone deaf karaoke’.

  Pinkerton had his earbuds in and was listening to something on his phone as was Carmony. Boom Hildie didn’t seem to mind. She added background vocals. Usually it would bother me because Hildie can’t really carry a tune but tonight I almost told Mercy to shut up and let Hildie sing.

  When I couldn’t take it anymore I zapped that radio so hard sparks flew from it. I added a couple of volts for Julia Caesar. Hey, she had it coming! Titus wasn’t happy with me but so what. Sometimes a Witch just has to stand her ground.

  When I killed the radio Mercy turned and growled, “Bibidee Bea! Why did you do that? I was just getting to the good part!” She was actually serious. It’s kind of funny how deluded she is.

  “No part of what you were doing was good,” I tell her kindly. Yes, kindly! Telling her she blows is a service to the world. “It was different variations of awful. It was horrocious.”

  “That’s not even a word,” she objects. Then she turns and elbows Pink until he removes his earbuds. “Is horrocious a word,” she asks him. When he shakes his head she looks at me triumphantly. Was I supposed to be impressed that Pink knew it wasn’t a word?

  “I created it especially for your singing. It’s a combination of horrible and atrocious,” I calmly explain. “You’re welcome.”

  “I’m supposed to be happy about that,” Mercy asks incredulously. She looks at Pink like she expects him to explain it to her but he just shrugs like he hasn’t a clue.

  “Do you know of anyone else who has had a word created for them,” I ask her.

  She thinks about it a moment. “Well, no.”

  I nod. “You’re welcome,” I say again.

  She doesn’t thank me. “I’d rather be Queen of the Universe,” she grumbles.

  I sigh and glance at Titus. “Wouldn’t we all,” I mutter under my breath.

  “Witch, cut it out,” growled Titus when Julia started twitching in the front seat.

  “Oops. I guess that one got away from me,” I call back. I didn’t mean to zap her again. It was an accident. Really! “Sorry, Queen Z.” I mostly mean it. Okay, not really but I want to mean it which is almost the same thing.

  “One of these days I am going to find a mercenary Witch that will fry your wicked black heart,” hisses Julia. Her voice only shakes slightly. I guess it wasn’t as good a hit as I thought. Too bad. I mean great for her.

  “I’ll do it,” Australian Witch volunteers waving her hand in the air excitedly.

  At the same time Boom Hildie asks, “How much money are we talking?”

  “What the hell? What happened to solidarity?” Loyalty is so hard to come by these days.

  DaniElle leans toward me and pats my arm. “Don’t worry Witchy Bea. I’ll do it gentle like. You’ll hardly feel a thing.” When Boom Hildie starts to chuckle Australian Witch jams her elbow into her.

  “What? Nothing about your magic is ‘gentle like’ and Bea knows it.” To me she says, “Nothing personal Bibidee Bea but money talks. I’m happy to stand with you just show me the money.”

  How much insult am I supposed to withstand? First Queen Z and now these two? They must have me mistaken for Glenda the Good Witch. That ain’t me. “You two want money in exchange for loyalty?” They both nod. “Okay. It’s coming. Just wait for it.”

  Boom Hildie looks at me suspiciously. She opens her mouth to say something but breaks into a coughing fit before any words can come out. Beside her, Australian Witch is experiencing the same thing. Weird right?

  The coughing fit soon turns into a gag. They each spit out a coin. Then another. Before long they’re popping them out like an old time slot machine. Ching-ching-ching. “Oops, there it is,” I sing because Titus isn’t the only twisted one here. “As much as you want. Just stop when you’ve had enough.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ve got mad skills. Emphasis on mad.

  Queen Z is watching the show with a horrified expression. I think she’s waiting to see what I’ll be serving up for her. I’ll let her wait. Sometimes the true torture is in the suspense.

  “Are those coins real,” gasps Mercy. She’s turns around in her seat watching as coins continue to flow like a waterfall from the disloyal Witches beside me.

  I nod and grab a handful from Boom Hildie’s lap. “See for yourself,” I say holding them out for Mercy. Before she can grab them Hildie slaps her hand away and reclaims the coins for herself. She glares at me for trying to give away her money. I’m not going to push it. After all, these Witches are earning their money the hard way and I made sure I wasn’t ‘gentle like’.

  The older I get the more I come to understand that loyalty is rare. When you live in a world of magic you come to question everything and everyone. There are illusions everywhere and some are pretty damn good. It’s not always easy to sort the real from the fake. Sometimes it’s easier not to try. Sometimes I don’t even want to know.

  The truth is everybody has a price. If loyalty to someone else trumps loyalty to me I can accept that. It may sting but I get it. Money over loyalty though? That’s a hard ‘no’.

  “I think they’ve learned their lesson. Maybe you should stop it now,” Carmony says hesitantly from Me
rcy’s other side. I think she’s afraid I’ll direct my ire at her. She doesn’t have anything to worry about but I won’t tell her that. I prefer to keep people guessing. It usually keeps them in line. Except with Pinkerton. For some reason that Zombie male can’t seem to keep a respectful fear of me.

  “I don’t need to stop it. They can stop it themselves when they’re satisfied.” As coins continue to fall I shake my head. I can’t decide if they’re that greedy or just stubborn. I’m leaning towards stubborn.

  A long time later we pull into the airport parking lot. Boom Hildie and DaniElle have stopped dispensing coins. They’re now clutching their aching throats with one hand and their fat handbags with the other.

  Mercy managed to swipe a couple of coins from Australian Witch. She keeps giving them weird glances like she’s expecting them to start up again. It won’t happen. My magic is never open ended. Boom Hildie would probably love it if it was. Spitting out coins would become her new hobby.

  Our pilot is already waiting on the tarmac for us. Zephyr Ozgood is one of the few trustworthy Warlocks I’ve met. He’s the one who warned me the Humans were looking to ally themselves with the Warlocks. Oz doesn’t trust Humans. He has his reasons but that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say the Zombies may have a friend in Oz.

  “Long time no see Witch,” Oz greets me. “I see you brought the Australian and Hiss Boom Blah.” Okay, so Boom Hildie and he have kind of a rocky past. She may have tried to off him a couple of times but that’s all ancient history. They are no longer enemies. They’re now unfriendly acquaintances I guess.

  “Oh, I guess you couldn’t find a real pilot. You had to settle for what the Warlocks cast away.” Hildie clucks her tongue in feigned disappointment.

  “Hag,” Oz hisses. With a wave of his hand he causes her to trip. Hildie drops her bag and coins spill all over the tarmac.

  Oz stares at all the change in dismay. “What’s up with that? Are you selling your potions for coin now?” He’s laughing and Hildie is preparing to blast him. Literally.