by Callie Rae
“Oh, Fallon,” Jade’s voice centers me a bit. Like maybe I’m hovering over the surface and not completely floating away.
Still, I don’t look up because … people.
“Are you okay?” I hear her voice again, and this time my mind is safely planted on the ground.
I open my eyes and see her sitting on her knees in front of me. She swipes a piece of hair back from my face.
The sadness in her eyes nearly undoes me. She stares at me with such concern. She’s hurting for me.
She asked me a question, didn’t she?
Am I okay?
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
She nods. “Do you think you can get up?”
I feel the cold ground and focus on my hands and feet. Can I get up? Maybe. The world isn’t spinning anymore.
I nod to her.
“You can’t go in there! It’s the girl’s bathroom,” I hear someone yell.
“Fuck off.” Cason’s voice rings out loud and clear just as Jade reaches under my arms to pull me up.
The door swings open, and Cason comes into view.
He takes one look at me and sighs in relief. “What happened?”
Jade answers for me. “I don’t know. One of the girls on the squad found her sitting on the floor. She came and got me when Fallon didn’t respond to her.”
“Is she all right? Is she hurt?” he asks.
I take a deep breath and sigh. “I’m right here. I just couldn’t go in there. I’ll be fine.”
Jade and Cason help me into my chair and roll me out of the bathroom. But apparently my breakdown wasn’t enough for one day; life needed to beat on me some more.
Elizabeth passes by the bathroom with her little friends at the perfect time to witness the commotion.
She sneers. “Look who finally got knocked off her high horse.”
I am not in the mood to deal with this bitch.
“You look pathetic.” She prances up to me like the snake she is. “How does Jesse stay with something so weak?”
I simply sigh. I don’t have the energy it takes to deal with her bullshit.
“Back the hell off, Elizabeth,” Cason growls, immediately stepping in front of me.
“Oh, still her guard dog, are you? Or…wait, is she screwing both of you?” Her slimy chuckle slides around Cason and reaches my ears, instantly turning my blood into lava. “Oh, that’s great. She is, isn’t she? What a whore.”
I’d thought I was tired, but man, this bitch provoked something in me I didn’t know still existed. I’m not even sure the anger I’m feeling right now has anything to do with her, but fuck if I’m not going to use it to put her in her place.
I roll around Cason and stand.
I step into her space, snarling. “Don’t you ever get tired of it?”
“Fallon,” Cason warns, grabbing my shoulder.
“Of what?” she asks with a roll of her eyes.
I scoff. “Of being bitch-slapped around.”
Then I slap my hand across her face as hard as I can. She staggers back from the contact.
“You bitch!” she yells, grabbing for my hair. I don’t understand why that’s the first thing these girls always reach for.
But before she can wrap her fingers around my hair, an arm wraps around me, pulling me away.
“Get off of me, Cason!”
“Stop it, Fallon,” he hisses in my ear. “Stop. She’s not worth it. You’re gonna get hurt. You’re still healing.”
“I don’t care,” I say, thrashing around in his arms, desperate to unleash on Elizabeth and her bitch mouth.
“But I fucking do. I can’t watch you get hurt again. It’s too much,” he croaks.
I still in his grasp, sagging against him.
The pain.
We’re all hurting.
Cason sets me back on my feet. The red haze of rage clears from my vision, and I see Cason standing between me and Elizabeth. He looks at her as she pushes off some guy who’d held her back, and then back to me.
Elizabeth has an angry welt next to her mouth and blood smeared on her lips. “You’re fucking crazy, you know that?”
“Are you all right?” Cason asks me.
I’m still heated, but not boiling. I nod.
“Is she all right? She hit me,” Elizabeth whines.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Jesse’s icy tone douses any lingering heat as he approaches our little group from behind me.
I turn and look to him with more attitude than necessary. “Oh, now you care what I think?”
His face hardens. He looks over my shoulder to Cason with a quick jerk of his chin.
“Get her out of here.”
Cason immediately reacts by picking Elizabeth up over his shoulder. It takes about two seconds before her shrieks reach my ears, making me cringe. Jesse steps in front of me and grits his teeth.
“You can be mad at me all you want, but don’t be stupid, Fallon. What if you’d hurt your leg?” he says slowly, keeping his control.
“I’m not the one being stupid,” I growl at him, the anger boiling up into my throat and spilling out in an uncontrolled torrent of nasty words. “I wish I’d never come here, to this place. I wish I’d never met you. Just leave me alone.”
He licks his bottom lip, nodding his head. The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. I don’t really feel that way, but some days it’s hard to be in control.
“Jesse, wait …” I swallow.
Regret makes my chest tighten, but the damage has been done.
He backs up, hands up in the air, then turns away from me. He walks by a locker, and before I can process what is happening, his fist makes a heavy dent in it. My whole body jumps, but not in fear—I could never fear Jesse. I jump in shock, sadness…I’m not sure. I just know that whatever this is, whatever is happening right now, is something I can’t deal with. I can’t deal with any of it.
My eyes track Jesse’s path as he walks down the hall until he disappears behind a door.
I stand there for a few moments with my body sagging. I’m tired and weary.
Cason nudges my arm with his hand. “Come on, Fallon. Why don’t we go get something to eat off-campus?”
I look up to him and give him a small smile, thankful that even though his brother and I can’t seem to find our way, I still have him to hold onto.
Because being me is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Chapter 15
Fallon
I’ve grown to like physical therapy. I forget about everything when I put on my headphones and focus on what I need to accomplish. Everything around or inside of me disappears when I’m working out. The physical therapist has me doing a bunch of leg workouts to stretch the tendons and strengthen the muscles.
I have therapy three times a week, but I’ve also been going to the gym and working out on my own.
I’ve become addicted to the silence I feel when I’m pushing myself beyond my limits. It’s just me and my focus, nothing else. And right now, I need that nothing else. I need the silence.
I haven’t talked to Jesse in two weeks. I see his mother every day, morning and night. I’m constantly reminded that he isn’t here. So, I’ve been packing a bag and going to the gym every chance I get.
Cason is still driving me everywhere and following me around. That gives me a bit of hope, because I’m sure Jesse has asked that of him, though I’m sure he would do it of his own accord. But he wouldn’t do it against Jesse’s wishes.
One, two, three.
Lift.
One, two, three.
Hold.
One, two, three.
Pole.
I drop my leg and suck in a deep breath. My hands begin to tremble, my heart spazzes out, and I feel like I’m breathing wet air.
I hold that breath as long as I can and roll over onto all fours, pushing the air out of my lungs. I take in another deep breath and pull a shaky hand over my hair.
“Fallon?”
I ignore Cason’s question.
“Fallon? Are you okay?” This time his voice sounds a bit more urgent.
I lift a hand toward him as I gulp down more air, trying to make my lungs work properly.
“I’m fine … I’m fine,” I say as I try to find the breath to finish the words and close my eyes. “I just pushed myself too hard. I need a break.”
“Okay, yeah, let’s go home. It’s time.” Cason starts packing up my duffle bag and then helps me stand on my feet.
I lean on him as he helps me into my boot and then hands over my crutches. I grab my water bottle and then feel in my bag for my painkillers. The doctor said to take them as needed, every four hours or so. It’s needed right now. I throw one back, take a sip of my water, and gulp it down, then put both bottles back in the bag.
Before I can finish zipping the bag, Cason reaches in and grabs the bottle. “When’s your next refill?”
“I don’t know. Soon, I think? Why?”
“Because there’s not much left in the bottle. At this rate, you’re going to run out. You have to be careful, Fallon. These pills are no joke. Your body can become dependent on them.”
He’s staring at me, but his eyes are glazed over with concern. I can see the worry on his face, with good reason. He’s seen the same shit before with someone else he loved.
I reach out, grab the pill bottle in his hand, and shove it in my bag.
“Cason, I get it. I do. But I’m not her. I’m not your mother. I’ll be fine.”
I pat him on the cheek before lifting my bag. Before I can slide it over my head, he grabs it and storms out the door, leaving me to follow. I sigh, grab my crutches, and follow him out to the parking lot.
He throws my bag in the back and hoists me into the passenger seat like I’m a weightless ragdoll. He pulls the seatbelt across me, and I glance up at his face. The worry lines are there, as are the fear and the questions.
I reach up and grab the hand holding the belt. “Cason, look at me.”
He won’t, so I reach over and tilt his chin toward me.
“Look at me. I’m fine.”
His nostrils flare as he looks me over one more time. When he finally seems satisfied that I’m telling the truth, he nods his head and clicks the belt in, pulling it tight like he would for a child.
He drives me home in silence. A quiet Cason is unheard-of. He usually has too much to say, but tonight the stress and worry practically leak out of him. He helps me inside, carrying my bags for me. When I’m safely deposited onto a chair in the kitchen and my bags are on the floor, he sits on a chair opposite me.
“Hi, honey," my mother says when she finds us in the kitchen. “How was therapy?”
Cason looks at me with a quirk of his head. “Yes, how was therapy?”
“It was fine.” I glare at Cason with a warning in my eyes. What my mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
“Was it fine?” Cason asks.
“Yes, Cason. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”
“Okay, what is going on between you two?” My mom interrupts us, looking like she feels as awkward as this conversation.
Cason shakes his head and stands up. “Why don’t you ask your daughter?”
“Cason!” I can’t believe he’s actually going there right now.
He gives me one last look that tells me all I need to know. He’s worried about how hard I’m pushing myself and knows I’ve been lying to my mom about the extra therapy sessions. I told her it was therapy, but really, it’s just Cason bringing me to the gym.
“I love you, Ruth. But I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself. You tell her or I will,” he sighs. “I’m going to find Momma C while y’all talk.”
He walks out of the kitchen in search of Catherine, leaving my very dumbfounded mother standing in the middle of the room.
“Fallon, what is he talking about?” she carefully asks as she makes her way to the chair Cason just vacated.
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “It’s nothing. I've been working out at the gym a bit more than the therapist recommends.”
“How much more?” my mom asks, her voice wavering with motherly concern.
“Considering that the therapist doesn’t want me doing anything outside of therapy, I’d say a lot,” I admit as I look to the floor. “It’s just—I don’t know. When I’m in the gym, I’m not worried about Jesse or Cason or … you.”
I look up at her on the last word.
Her face immediately changes from worried mom to sad mom. “Oh, sweetie. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m your mother. It’s my job to worry. Not yours.”
She leans in and gives me a hug. “You don’t have to feel responsible for everyone around you. We are all capable of taking care of ourselves.”
I push out from her embrace. “That’s just it, Mom. Have you seen your back? I see your scars peeking out every day and it reminds me how responsible I am for them. Have you seen Jesse’s life? Or Cason’s? Jesse is out there trying his best to protect me from a distance, and he shouldn’t have to!”
“Fallon, it is not your fault. You didn’t make all of this mess happen. You can’t continue to blame yourself. You’ve done your best.”
“My best isn’t enough. I haven’t been enough. I have to make it better, I have to do better, but I can’t!” I push aside the fucking chair that has consumed my life and hobble away with nothing left of my dignity.
I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix it.
“They love you, you know,” she says to my retreating back.
“What?” I ask through gritted teeth. My back tenses as I wait for her response.
“They love you, and if given a choice, they would choose you every time.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes love isn’t enough,” I say as I disappear into the hallway.
Catherine stands in her doorway with sad eyes as she watches me retreat to my room. I reach my door and stop. I look back over my right shoulder toward her door, but she’s gone. Like she hadn’t heard me spill out my guts to my mother about how I ruined her children’s lives.
“James was right,” she says from my left side, surprising me.
“About what?”
“That you’re a threat.”
I can’t decipher the look on her face, and it puts me on edge even more.
Still, I scoff at her statement. “And why is that?”
“Because you gave them something worth fighting for. When we believe in something, when we have purpose, we become unstoppable. James took away everything good, so all they had left was what was expected of them. But when you arrived, you gave them something.”
“Pain and misery?” I snort.
“No.” Catherine shakes her head. “You gave them hope.”
I swallow hard at her words. I don’t believe her; I don’t see how my presence has helped any of them. Yet their own mother is standing in front of me saying that I’d made their lives better.
She doesn’t say anything else as she nods and retreats into her room like she didn’t just drop an emotional bomb on me. But she did, and she left me here stewing over the idea that despite all of my shitty choices, I’ve still brought something good to her family.
I turn around and walk into the kitchen where my mom is still sitting. “Can you take me somewhere?”
Chapter 16
Jesse
“How is she?” I ask.
“Pushing herself way too hard. She’s going to the gym on top of her therapy. She’s been walking on her leg more and more, but she’s not supposed to. I’m not even sure she’s using the chair when she gets tired.” Cason sighs. “She misses you, but won’t let herself feel it, so she just keeps pushing.”
I grit my teeth. This is the hardest part: missing her and keeping my distance because what’s best for her isn’t always what I want. I’m trying so hard to not go over there and wrap my arms around her
and claim every inch of her.
“Did you tell Darla?”
“Yeah, man, I did. But I don’t think it made a difference. I think the only thing that can help her right now is you.”
“She won’t let me help her either. Besides, me staying away is keeping her safe,” I growl.
“I know,” Cason grumbles.
The moment I discovered this was much bigger than my father being a piece of shit, I asked him to watch over her. He didn’t hesitate to agree but I could tell it wasn’t something he wanted to do. He wants us back to normal, and this situation is taking its toll on him as much as it is us.
I sigh, feeling defeated, even though I know I’m doing the right thing. “Besides, it’s for the best right now.”
“How? How is any of this for the best?” Cason glares at me, his eyes shining with anger and frustration. “This whole situation is fucked.”
“He’s up to something. It’s big, and it’s not good. I saw a couple of Vic’s goons the other night coming out of James’s office. I can’t let Fallon get sucked into this. He’ll pull her in if he thinks I’m not on board with whatever fucked-up shit he’s got planned.”
I can’t let Fallon get hurt again. She can’t take it right now, and neither can I.
“Fuck.” Cason turns away, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck, dude.”
“I need to figure it out. Whatever he’s doing… I need to figure it out, and I need to find a way to take him down. But in order to do that, he needs to think Fallon is gone.”
Cason stares back at me with a somber, sad face. “Are you really going to let her go? Because it feels kind of like you are.”
I don’t know how he could ever think that.
I stare him in the eye. “I’ll never let her go.”
He nods. He knows it’s true, but he needs me to say it because, like me, he can’t let her go. There is too much shared pain between them. He wouldn’t survive without her either; that’s what he’s telling me right now.
“What do you need me to do?” he asks.
“I just need you to keep watching over her. Make sure she isn’t pushing too hard, make sure no one fucks with her, and make sure she is fighting. I just need you to be her Cason.”
