by Callie Rae
I look at Jade, and she smiles bright. I smile back. I haven’t been a good friend to her lately. She needs this, way more than I do.
“Cool, I’ll catch y'all later. I have a friend to meet.” Cason quickly walks away from us before we can acknowledge that used the word friend and not pussy, hole, or some other vulgar term for his next lay.
I shake my head. “What’s that about?”
“I don’t know. He’s been weird lately. Jesse said Cason’s barely home. Not that he would know, because he isn’t home either,” she snorts.
I shake my head. Any mention of Jesse makes me cringe. Things aren’t right between us, and it hurts.
“Anyways, having fun yet?” she asks, bumping my shoulder with her own.
“Loads,” I say with a chuckle.
She laughs, but then sobers a bit. “I’ve missed you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
I can’t say I’ll try better, or it will get better. Because it’s not true; I probably won’t. But I also won’t give her broken promises and doomed hope. Instead, I’ll give her tonight.
The cars in the first race pull up to the starting line and I adjust, craning to see them. I recognize one of them.
“Is that …?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s his car. He wrecked it while you were…you know. Cranks has been working on it, and he’s raced it a few times trying to get it back into shape. But from what I can tell, it’ll never be like it used to be.”
Marcus showed me a video of the wreck when I was with him. I’d been devastated as I’d watched the video. I’d had no clue whether Jesse was all right, and I’d thought the worst. I wince. Any thoughts about Marcus are unwelcome.
I swallow back the tears that threaten to surface. “Marcus recorded it, you know. I don’t know how, but he did. Then showed me the video. I didn’t know if Jesse was okay. It cut off once the car rolled. All I knew was that it looked bad.”
“Oh, Fallon, I can’t imagine being in that situation. I don’t know what I would have done. I’m just really glad it’s over and you’re safe now.” She leans in and wraps her arms around my shoulders.
“Me too,” I lie, knowing that there’s not much of me actually glad that I’m still here.
Chapter 20
Fallon
We sit and watch the races. I can tell Jade is a little bored. The Depot is usually a big party for us, and actually watching the races is a little different. But since I can’t do much, that’s what we did.
“I’m going to go to the restroom,” I tell her, the beers making the trip necessary.
“Okay, let’s go.” She jumps down, ready to go with me.
“No, I’ve got it. You stay and watch. Get a new beer. That one is looking a little warm.” I drop down to my good leg, balancing on it while I grab the crutches and get myself situated on them.
“You sure? I don’t mind,” she asks warily.
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s only, like, ten feet away. I can do this.”
“Okay, but if you’re not back in fifteen, I’m coming for you.”
I believe her. Her eyebrow is cocked like she means business, and when Jade decides something, there is no stopping her. Those damn Callaways.
“Yes, captain,” I say with a low chuckle.
I begin my trek over the dirt. I’m moving slowly, but I’m not used to being on crutches. If my therapist saw me right now, she would have a fit. She has reminded me countless times no matter how strong I’m feeling, I should not be walking around until we’ve finished therapy.
I stop about halfway to catch my breath. Ten feet feels more like a mile for me. I catch a flash of silver from the corner of my eye and I look back at the track while I breathe. The car’s back tires are skidding slightly, and I clench the handles on the crutches. At first, the driver seems to have it under control. Without warning, the back tires swing wide and the driver loses control, sending the car crashing into the sidewall of the track.
I suck in as much oxygen as I can when I see it hit. But then the loud, jarring sound of crunching metal follows. And it tears through me.
I close my eyes.
Crunch.
My stomach leaps suddenly, like I’ve been pushed out of a plane and am falling. That sound makes me want to scream. I remember that sound. It came quickly, like the last bell—the one that tells you that you’re done for the day. Except that time, it tried to tell me I was done for life.
I hear it, I smell the smoke, I taste the blood. It’s all there. My ears begin to ring, and I open my eyes, my breathing heavy.
I have to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
Crunch.
I hop towards the building. If I can just get around the wall, I’ll be all right. The bathroom is right there, away from everyone.
I have to get out of here.
I reach the wall. It’s only a few more feet to the bathroom door.
The heat becomes too much. I can feel it on my skin. I’m not going to make it.
The world spins and the nausea churns my stomach.
I trip on something and drop a crutch down. The action pitches my body forward. I let go of the other crutch and use my hands to break my fall.
My breathing is jagged. I can’t control it. I try to slow it down, but the corners of my vision are closing in, the blackness threatening to take over.
My cheeks are wet, and I think I might be crying.
Crunch.
This must be what dying feels like. I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can’t stop it.
I curl my hands into the dirt, and I focus on the way it feels—the soft, silky feel of the dirt, the hard chunks of rock, the tightness I feel when it slips under my fingernails.
“Fallon?” A familiar voice says my name.
They sound a mile away, but that can’t be right because there are shoes right here in front of me. I squint, trying to focus.
“Fallon, are you okay?” the voice asks again. “Fallon, you need to slow your breathing. Your hands are curling. You’re hyperventilating.”
Crunch.
I tense. The smoke isn’t filling my nostrils as strongly as before, but it’s still there—the smell of fire burning metal.
“Shit.”
It’s hot. My head hurts. My mouth tastes like copper, and I don’t know what to do.
Crunch.
I feel arms snake around me, and I’m lifted up. Flying, maybe. No, that’s not right—I’m walking.
Then I begin falling until my back hits something cold and I’m propped up.
“Fallon, listen to me. Breathe with me,” the voice says. “Breathe in through your nose and hold it.”
I try to do what the voice tells me. I try to pull in the air, but I can’t feel it.
“That’s good. Now breathe out slowly through your mouth,” the voice says.
“Again. Breathe in.”
The world begins to still, and the purple hair I’ve seen so many times at this very track comes into focus.
“Good. Keep breathing. Deep breaths. In and out, slowly,” Narni says.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask in between breaths.
She doesn’t hesitate. “Because someone once did it for me.”
I look around as everything becomes clearer. We’re by the bathroom. She pulled me behind the wall, but why? So no one could see me fall apart?
I guess she notices the wheels turning.
“No one should see us like this without our consent. These moments aren’t for everyone. They’re for us, to figure our shit out with the people we allow to see us at our weakest.”
She sits down in front me and crosses her legs as she watches me. “Where’d you go?”
She asks me bluntly, with no judgement. She doesn’t need to know what happened or why. I can see it, the way she looks at me like I’m solid even though she just watched me break.
“I was back at the accident,” I say, unsure why I’m telling her this, but unable not to.
She nods, and then I can see her wheels turning for a moment. “The car that spun out. It triggered you when it hit the railing, didn’t it?”
I nod.
“Sometimes, the triggers are obvious. Sometimes, not so much. The ones that aren’t obvious are the worst. You can’t always figure out why. And people like us need to know why.”
She’s right. A virtual stranger knows me better than I know myself right now.
“Think you can sit tight for a minute? I’ll be right back.”
I nod again.
She gets up, leaving me in my post-flashback, post-panic attack state. I’m suddenly cold and scared. And alone.
But she isn’t gone long enough for me to dwell on it. She returns, shoving a bottle of clear liquid in my face.
She holds it out to me like she expects me to drink it, and when I don’t, she shrugs her shoulders. She plops down next to me and tips it up to her own lips like we’re hanging out, like I wasn’t just having a fucking meltdown in the middle of the Depot.
“You sure that’s a good idea?” I ask her.
She takes another sip. “The only good ideas I have are the ones that make me forget.”
I wish I could forget. Maybe if I did, then I’d be able to breathe normally again, instead of constantly feeling like there’s a wet rag over my face.
I reach for the bottle and yank it from her grasp to take a swig, enjoying the burn as the clear liquid hits my throat.
“So, what’s your damage?” I ask her as I pass the bottle back.
“Nope,” she says into the bottle. “I don’t do that. I’m not wearing my trauma in a ‘whose dick is bigger contest.’”
She passes it back.
I chuckle and shrug, accepting the bottle and swallowing another mouthful. The liquid isn’t burning any longer.
“Is that a thing? Like, do guys really just hang it out there to compare?” I ask. “Seems like a waste of use for it.”
Narni laughs. “Big dicks, small minds.”
“Fallon.”
Cason’s tone is harsh.
“What the hell happened to her?” he snaps at Narni a little too harshly as he bends down and starts checking me over.
“I’m fine. She helped me,” I assure him as he continues to check me over.
“Sorry. I texted him while I was grabbing the bottle.” She shrugs. “Figured you might need a familiar face. One you didn’t want to hit.”
“So you called him?” I mumble.
“It was either him or Jesse. Figured he would go easier on you.”
I try to stand, but sway too much and fall on my butt. I look over to Narni, who is watching me and trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile. I let go of the laughter building up inside of me.
“Don’t worry. I can’t walk when I’m sober either.” I point to my crutches. “It’s why I have those things.”
“Are you drunk?” Cason demands. He looks to a giggling Narni next to me. “Did you get her drunk?”
“Oh, don’t worry, babyface,” she says. “It’s better than the alternative.”
Cason picks me up and cradles me to his chest like the overbearing brother that he is. He growls at Narni and the rumble reverberates in my head, making it pound.
“Since you’ve been so helpful already, can you grab her crutches? Or am I gonna have to carry you too?”
I’m too drunk to argue with how he’s treating her, but I make a mental reminder to tell him about himself later—when words make sense and the trees aren’t circling above me.
“Sure. Anything else you want to throw at me while we’re at it?” Her face is scrunched up and she’s giving him all the sass. “A ‘thank you for taking care of her’ would be nice.”
Oh, Cason, buddy. You’re so screwed.
I look up to him. “Can you take me home now?”
He nods his head and swallows hard. He carries me over to the Jeep. Before he can get me in the passenger seat, Jade runs up, panicked.
“What happened? Fallon, are you okay?”
“No, she’s not okay!” Cason yells. “You were supposed to be watching her, and now look at her.”
“Hey, that’s not fair,” Jade replies, sounding hurt.
“Cason. Stop.” I lean back in the seat. The extent of my drunkenness makes me realize the door was the only thing that could hold me in place. “It’s not her fault. It’s not anyone’s. Just take me home.”
He reaches over and straps me in tight. Narni comes up behind him with the crutches, and he sets them in next to me. I glance over to her as she watches me with the same tormented look in her eyes that stares back at me in the mirror every day. She’s a kindred soul. She’s suffering, battling the same agony as me. I give her a small smirk in appreciation, and she returns it before backing away, leaving Cason to strong-arm us all into the Jeep.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he growls again. Like, really growls, sounding every bit a predator.
“Uhhh, back to my friends.” She smirks at him. “My job here is done.”
“Get in the truck, Narni,” he says, less growly this time, though he leaves no room for argument.
She looks at him. I see the argument on the tip of her tongue, but then her face softens. She stumbles forward and climbs into the backseat next to me.
Cason walks to the driver side of the vehicle and gets in, slamming his door as Jade climbs into the passenger seat.
“Jesse is going to be pissed at me for letting you get drunk like this,” he sighs before he starts the truck.
“Don’t worry. He’d have to notice first,” I mumble as I watch the trees pass by from the window.
I feel Narni glance at me and I meet her eyes for a moment before she scoots to the middle of the seat, leaning forward. She turns the radio on, and music starts pouring into the cab.
“Hey, sit back, Narni. What the hell is she even doing in here, Cason?”
Narni reaches up and pats Jade on the head. “Chill, little Callaway. You’re killing the vibe.”
Jade swats Narni’s hand away and begins to twist in her seat to push her. “Don’t put your hands on me, you bitch.”
Cason swerves as he shoves his arm between them. “Fuck, Narni! Sit back. Can you quit with your shit for one damn night?”
She tilts her head and looks at Cason. “Oh, but I thought you liked it when I’m feisty.”
Cason doesn’t say shit back to her, but I see his eyes look back at her in the rearview mirror. She glances over to me as I use the door as a prop and wink at her with a smirk.
In this moment, I know I’ll like her. I’m going to have much of a choice.
Chapter 21
Jesse
The moment Cason called, I knew something wasn’t right. I jumped into the family Denali, punching the gas the moment the vehicle was in gear. Cason didn’t say much; he just told me to get to her house now.
But the gut-wrenching feeling I have in my stomach is telling me otherwise. Or maybe it's the fact that everything that could have possibly gone wrong with Fallon and me already has. I slam the gas pedal to the floor, pushing the vehicle further than it's meant to go.
I skid to a halt in the driveway right behind Cason's Jeep, damn near slamming into the back of it. I'm barely out of the car before Cason is running out the front door, looking pissed.
He storms up to me on the sidewalk and shoves a finger in my face.
"I fucking told you. I warned you that you needed to be here. I asked you to be here and you weren't. You weren't fucking here," he says his tone infused with venom.
"What the fuck are you talking about? What happened?"
"What happened is James showed up unannounced last night to try and force Mom to go home. Fallon stepped between them like she had a fucking death wish, and it only died down because Jade lost her shit. And today she went to the Depot with Jade, and I found her drunk with Narni after she apparently walked off and had a fucking breakdown. And do you want to know the common fucking de
nominator in both scenarios? You. Weren't. Fucking. There." He steps forward, jabbing his finger into my shoulder with each word hard enough to make the skin bruise.
I catch his hand, holding it tight to stop him, but making no move to fight back. Because he isn't wrong.
"She needs you, man. She may not want to admit it. She may be scared shitless after all the crap she's been through. But she needs you." He drops his hand and sighs. "I need you here, bro. I can't do this alone. Jade hasn't come out of her room, Mom's trying to hide the fact that she's been crying non-stop, and Fallon is trying to find a place where it doesn't hurt. I don't know what to do. You're the one with the plan, and I’m the one who has your back."
He doesn't understand that whole our family is falling apart, me included. I don't know what to fucking do either. All I know is I have to make this shit stop.
James has to go down.
I storm into the house. I look for my mother first to make sure she's okay. I find her sitting at the kitchen table with a mug in her hand. Cason is right; her eyes are puffy and red. There aren't any tears in them, but I can see the sadness she's trying to mask behind her strength.
"Jesse?" my mom asks, confused. "I thought you were going home tonight?"
I walk up to her, squat in front of her, take the mug from her hand, and set it on the table, then grab her hands in mine and look her over. "Are you all right?"
The sadness gains strength at my words, and her worry smooths into a weak smile. "Oh, baby, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be okay. Did you forget I'm the parent?"
"You'll always be my mother, but that doesn't mean you're okay."
She pulls a hand out of my grasp to cup my cheek. "I'm okay, Jesse. I will get through this. But there is someone back there who isn't okay, and she might need you."
I suck in a heavy breath, trying to find the nerve to face Fallon. Cason’s words reverberate in my head. I nod and stand, kissing my mother on the head before I walk off to find Fallon.
She is in her room, lying in bed. The door is open, so I peek into the room and watch her for a moment without her knowing. She is beautiful as always, but she still has the haunted, broken look that doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon. I cringe, wishing all this shit was over with. I wish we could start working on our future, whatever that is.
