Melt My Heart

by Bethany Rutter

  ‘Another?’ Cal asks as the hands of the big clock above the door sweep past eleven.

  ‘What do you think, Cassie?’ I ask her.

  Cassie shrugs. ‘Why not? Keep the double-date dream alive.’

  Jack goes up with him, leaving me and Cassie alone at the table. ‘Did you know about this?!’ I ask her.

  ‘No! I don’t get why they didn’t mention it? Guys are weird.’

  ‘Still, it was kind of fun.’

  ‘Yeah! And a good excuse to see you without even making a plan to see you,’ she says, with a faux-devilish cackle. She sets me off laughing, and when Cal and Jack return with our drinks, we’re in fits of inexplicable giggles.

  We hold it together while the four of us chat but every so often we’ll catch each other’s eye and have to suppress a laugh. Maybe a double date isn’t so bad if it means I get to hang out with Cassie.

  ‘So,’ Cal says, looking in Cassie’s direction. ‘Are you going to uni in September, too?’

  ‘Nope! I’m doing an art foundation course at the college. Not that my parents are happy about that …’ As she takes a sip of her drink with her right hand, I realize Jack’s hand is resting on her left. Oh, I think. Before Cal has a chance to reply, I drape my arm around his shoulder. If he shakes it off I’ll be absolutely mortified, but I still feel compelled to do it.

  ‘Sounds like a pretty decent prospect to me?’ says Cal, reaching up and squeezing my hand. Phew.

  ‘I think they would prefer I learned how to manage the family business …’ Cassie says evenly, although she’s clearly bothered by it. I’m never sure with Cassie whether she wants to talk about stuff or if I’m intruding. Maybe I’m not the only one keeping things to myself.

  ‘Nah, you seem like you have the soul of an artist,’ Cal says with a cute smile.

  ‘I’ll tell my mum that, maybe it’ll make her feel better.’ Cassie laughs. She pecks Jack on the cheek and I wonder how to up the ante with Cal. What am I doing? Literally what is wrong with me? Why am I trying to compete, trying to perform? It’s not like I’m not enjoying spending time as a four, but there’s definitely something about this dynamic that’s making me prickle. Making me feel like I have something to prove.

  ‘Lily?’ Cassie says like it’s not the first time she said it. I realize I completely zoned out.

  ‘Shall we get going?’ Cal asks.

  As we get up to go, I catch sight of our reflection in a big mirror on the other side of the pub. People like Molly trying to make me feel that the mere idea of someone who looks anything like me going out with someone like Cal is absurd, does sometimes make me wonder if it is absurd. But when I see us together it just looks kind of normal. In my worst moments I find myself wondering if maybe everyone’s right, but I know, I know deep down that they’re not. That I’m fine just the way I am. That I deserve to be happy and to have what I want.

  We all say goodbye outside the pub, and as Jack and Cassie walk off, I try not to wonder if they’re going home together.

  At night on the high street, away from the pubs, it feels like a ghost town.

  ‘We could be the only people here,’ says Cal, looking over his shoulder as we walk.

  ‘That would be equal parts creepy … and hot,’ I reply, stopping to draw him into a kiss. We lean against the shutters of the bookshop and I wonder how many of their books I would have to read before I found one where a girl like me is allowed to kiss a guy like Cal.

  We stay there a long time, his body pressed against mine, before breaking away and wordlessly carrying on walking. It feels like this is something that happens to someone else, not to me, but it is happening to me. We walk hand in hand to the point where we separate to go home.

  ‘Hey, what do you think about … coming over to mine next time?’ Cal asks, and I guess I know what he’s really asking.

  My heart beats a bit faster. I knew this was on the horizon but it still feels like a moment, you know? My … first time. ‘Yes,’ I say decisively, even though I’m kinda nervous at the thought of having sex. With Cal I feel so sure of myself. So in control. Besides, I know that if I show any kind of uncertainty he’ll say we have to wait until I’m sure, and I am. I’m so attracted to him that I’m risking my relationship with Daisy. I’m invested. What else is there to it?

  ‘Are you sure?’ He raises an eyebrow and reaches out for my hand.

  ‘I’m sure,’ I tell him emphatically. But I feel the anxiety start to settle in my chest, not as much as usual, but just the creeping beginnings of panic. I take long, deep breaths in and out, until I feel on top of it and I’m able to carry on. I feel powerful for being able to control it, even just this once. To avert the full-blown panic.

  ‘Alright, we can figure out the date another time, no need to lock it down now,’ he says. ‘I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.’

  ‘No, of course.’

  I draw him to me and rest my forehead on his. He looks back at me, our faces close together. ‘You’re such a funny one,’ he says. ‘I never have any idea what’s going on in there.’ You and me both, I think. He puts his hand on the top of my head, before stroking my hair and giving me one last peck on the lips before we go our separate ways.

  As I make my way through the quiet streets, something bright catches my eye under a street lamp. Another poster, this one slightly billowing in the breeze, only pasted down at the top and the bottom. With a resolve that mounts with every passing day, I get out my keys and slash it through the middle before ripping each half off its pasted strip. There is no satisfaction in it. Everything is overshadowed by the knowledge that someone agrees with this poster.

  The closer I get to home, the more I sense I’m not alone. I wonder if I’m being followed, and as soon as I have that thought, that back-of-the-neck prickle feeling, I become so certain of it that I’m too scared to look over my shoulder and check. Did someone see me tearing down the poster? I’m a slow walker but I slow even more to see if I can hear footsteps or if it’s in my imagination, before hearing a swift, clipped step behind me. I speed up again, almost running to my front door, and as I put my key in the lock, I hear someone shout, ‘Wait for me!’

  I realize it’s my sister. Relief floods through me even though I don’t know exactly who or what I was afraid of.

  ‘Jesus Daisy, you scared me!’

  Daisy pauses for a minute as she leans against the floral wallpaper in the hall and unbuckles her sandals. There’s a look in her eye that I only catch for a minute before she heads upstairs without saying goodnight.

  It’s only then that I start to wonder how long she’d been on my tail, and what she’d seen.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ‘How was the cinema?’ I ask Daisy over breakfast the next morning. It’s our mum’s turn to work on a Saturday, so we’re home alone. Daisy hasn’t said much to me all morning. Everything is tense – I’m scared if I put my knife down too loudly it will be enough to break whatever deathly quiet we’ve settled into.

  ‘It was fine,’ she says.

  ‘And cocktails at the Lighthouse?’

  ‘They were fine, too,’ she says. She stirs her cereal pointlessly and doesn’t look at me.

  ‘Oh, good …’ I say, waiting for her to ask me something about my evening, or even look up from her bowl. I hate this so much.

  ‘I would tell you that the guy I fancy wasn’t at the cinema,’ she says, pausing. ‘But you already knew that, right?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask as casually as I can, in a desperate attempt to avoid, postpone, delay what’s next.

  ‘Come on, Lily.’ She rolls her eyes in exasperation. ‘This is why you’ve been so secretive lately. You know you’re doing something wrong. It’s not in your nature, so you’re creeping around and being weird rather than just being honest about it!’ She drops her spoon down onto the table with a clatter.

  I swallow, not sure what to say next. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I really didn’t, I promise. It just kind of
happened!’ Uh-oh. Telling Daisy the truth about Cal just turned into my new thing for the day.

  ‘Oh, that’s OK then,’ she says, mockingly.

  ‘I tried to tell you! Loads of times!’

  ‘Well you didn’t try very hard then, did you?’

  ‘That’s because every time I did you would say something presumptuous or patronizing and I wouldn’t know how to deal with it!’

  ‘Don’t try to change the subject! You lied to my face!’

  I don’t want this to spiral. There have been so many near-fights between us in the last couple years that I’ve carefully avoided, but there’s no easy way out of this. I feel a slight panic set in. ‘I mean … it’s not like he was your boyfrie—’

  ‘That’s not the point! You knew I liked him and you just went behind my back and asked him out and kept it a secret! You were deliberately sneaky. This isn’t like you …’ Daisy trails off. ‘You’re not even bothered about meeting guys. You’ve never been bothered about meeting guys! Not for years! So why are you suddenly so intent on stealing the one guy you knew I really liked?’

  ‘I didn’t do any sneaking or any stealing! We met in the pub and he just asked me out! He’s hot, he’s kind, he’s interested in me, it has nothing to do with you!’

  ‘He asked you out?’ Daisy says instantly, as if she couldn’t keep it in for a second longer.

  ‘Yeah, Daisy, I know that’s hard for you to believe.’ I roll my eyes.

  ‘That’s not what I meant,’ she says, sternly, but behind the set of her jaw there’s a furtiveness, like an animal evading capture.

  ‘What did you mean then?’

  ‘I …’ She gapes like a goldfish.

  ‘Right.’

  ‘No, it’s just …’

  ‘What?’ I urge her to speak, but she doesn’t, she’s just sitting there trying to formulate what she knows she can’t say in a way that’s more palatable and allows her to maintain the moral high ground. She’s looking at me, waiting for me to fill the gap for her, waiting for me to let her off the hook. But I won’t do it. Not this time.

  ‘It’s just … not like you.’ She shrugs.

  ‘OK, it’s not like me, but why is that disturbing you so much? Don’t I have the right to change and maybe even once in a while do something that you don’t expect?’

  Daisy lets out a noise of frustration and picks up the cushion on the empty chair next to her, pummelling it into shape.

  ‘We never compete for guys!’ Daisy says, finally. ‘I hate it! I just really hate it!’

  I stare at her, genuinely baffled. How can she not see this? ‘We never compete because you always get what you want, no questions asked. Remember Joel Edwards? Patrick Saunders when we were on holiday in France? Jack Calder from our drama group? And let’s not forget Tom Greenwell! One after another I just had to watch as guys I got on with, who I felt a spark with, suddenly became your latest must-have boy as soon as I said a word about them. I was so nervous, so scared, and I pushed through it to talk to them because I liked them, and then you just swept in. Cal is the first guy who’s preferred me to you and you can’t handle it.’

  ‘No, that’s not it, it’s just—’ she babbles, reddening.

  ‘It’s just that you never expected someone you liked to be interested in me, because why would they be when they could have you, right? You’ve never been able to get your head around the thought that beauty isn’t some kind of a one-size-fits-all thing. You’re pretty, there’s no doubt about it! I’ve never, ever said you’re not. But it’s like it’s never crossed your mind that I could be too? I get that’s how a lot of people look at me, but I need better from my own sister.’

  I know that look. She doesn’t know what to say to me. She thought she knew how everything worked, knew our places in the world, and now she’s finding out she doesn’t.

  ‘That’s not true! I don’t think that!’ Daisy is indignant.

  ‘Really? You really don’t think that?’ I ask her. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t know that it’s how people see us and it’s the way we’ve been made to see ourselves.’

  ‘It’s not like I have it easy all the time, you know,’ she says.

  ‘I’m not saying you do. I’m just saying that, at this point in our lives, guys have a track record of going for you. And you love that there’s something that sets you apart from me.’

  I wonder if she’s ever really thought about it at all before now. If she ever considered how her constant assumptions and judgements made me feel. ‘Look,’ I say. ‘I get that you’re annoyed because it feels like I’ve taken something from you, but I haven’t. You didn’t even know his name. And besides, he’s a whole person in his own right! You don’t just get to decide what he does or what choices he makes just because you saw him first.’

  She’s looking at me resolutely. ‘It’s not about that, it’s about the fact you didn’t tell me.’ So this is her tactic.

  ‘Well I might have done if I thought you were capable of really listening. All you do is project your image of who I am onto me.’

  ‘You let me keep bringing him up and you knew the whole time! I saw you two making out on the street! This is a proper thing and I had no idea about any of it!’ She looks like a petulant, disgruntled child. ‘I don’t get why you stopped talking to me.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to stop talking to you—’ I protest, wanting to say more but not sure how to.

  ‘So are you going to keep seeing him?’ Daisy snaps.

  Cal is really special – I feel so sure of myself with him. I’ve never had that before – usually when I fancy someone, I’m a nervous wreck. When I’m with Cal I’m not worried about anything beyond the here and now. He makes me forget about uni and how I’m leaving everything behind so soon. ‘Yes. I like him.’

  ‘Ugh, sure,’ she says, exasperated.

  ‘So you want me to just stop seeing him and then what? Tell him he has to go out with you to somehow rebalance the universe so the thin twin gets the ending she deserves?’

  ‘It’s not about that!’

  ‘I don’t get what it is about then! You’re just not used to not getting your way, and more than anything you’re not used to me getting something you want. You’ve never seen me as a threat. I’m not just an inferior version of you, I’m me. I’m a whole person.’

  She rolls her eyes but I can tell it’s hit home a bit. ‘I know that.’ I wonder if she really does know it, if she really has thought about it at all before now. Maybe she never had to.

  ‘OK, so what’s the problem?’

  ‘You never tell me anything anymore,’ Daisy says, her voice burning with a kind of anger that I find shocking. ‘There’s been something going on with you for months now and once upon a time you would have confided in me but now you just don’t share anything, like I wouldn’t understand. Like I’m too dumb to understand your big, deep, sensitive life. You think I make assumptions about you? Well what about you making assumptions about me? You didn’t even tell me that we weren’t going to be together anymore. You just made a decision and went ahead with it.’

  ‘What the fuck? What are you even talking about?’

  She swallows, her eyes wide. ‘We had a plan to stay together. We were meant to be going to uni together. That was what we were meant to be doing. And you just, out of nowhere, decided to change your mind without telling me.’

  I feel like she’s hit me. I just look at her. ‘I … figured it was time to live my life and for you to live yours!’ I say finally, blinking in disbelief. ‘I didn’t know that us going to the same uni was, like, a done deal for you! I didn’t know I was locked into it! You’re always on at me about being more independent and now that’s what I’m trying to do you don’t like it?’

  ‘You never talked to me about it at all! It was me and you against the world until you went to college and replaced me with Cassie, and I thought we were going to be back to how it used to be when we went to uni and then you just went and decided for us that it w
asn’t meant to be.’

  This has been simmering under the surface for her and I had no idea. I really didn’t.

  ‘I thought it was for the best for us! I thought it was what you wanted! You don’t need me around! You just don’t – you find it so easy to make friends and meet people, if anyone would need to have the other around it would be me! I thought I was doing you a favour!’

  ‘You think you’re the only one with fears and worries and it means you completely overlook everyone else’s! How many times have you rejected my invites out?! How many times have I burst into your room and started a conversation with you? Sometimes I think the only reason you even applied to uni was to get away from me.’

  Before I can respond she turns away from me and runs up to her room, puts on her garden centre uniform and leaves the house with the necessary slamming of the door. Even with her gone I feel like my adrenaline is making the atmosphere fizz furiously. Me? Replacing her with Cassie? She never needed me! It was always me clinging on to her, wasn’t it? Her, more secure, more confident, more popular, always finding it easy to make friends. I needed her, until I decided it was healthier for me to, you know, detach. Because she kept talking about how I wouldn’t! I don’t feel like I understand anything, and I can barely hear myself think over the sound of blood rushing in my ears.

  I’ve got to get out of here. In a daze, I hastily dress in my leggings, sports bra and T-shirt, and pull my trainers on without undoing the laces. I swipe my keys from the shelf, slamming the door behind me, and hit the road, trying to get out of my head and into my body with a slow, steady jog.

  I stew as I run. I keep turning it all over in my mind, looking at it all from different angles. The way Daisy assumed I’m just not in the same game as her at all … All these people – even my own sister – seem to think they know so much about me just from the size of my body. I feel like I have to work so hard to keep on top of my body image, but I do work on it. And that’s enough for Cal. And Cassie.