Melt My Heart

by Bethany Rutter

  ‘It’s too late for that now, I think,’ I say, breathing in sharply and twitching my nose. I realize that’s Daisy’s symbol of disapproval and it makes me smile a little through the hurt. ‘And I guess tomorrow I’ll know for sure whether I have to leave or not. But honestly, I had no idea you wanted us to stay together. I thought I was the one who couldn’t deal with the world while you were sailing through life.’

  She shakes her head. ‘No way.’

  ‘So why were you always telling me to have friends other than Cassie?’

  ‘Because I knew how it would feel for you when that’s gone. And I didn’t want that to happen to you.’

  I flop sideways onto her bed. ‘I’m sorry I made that decision without talking to you. I thought it was only me that it hurt. I didn’t know it would affect you, too. ’

  Daisy seems to be thinking carefully about everything. She strokes my hair and pauses for a moment. ‘I’m sorry about the whole Cal thing. I was a bitch.’

  ‘Ha!’ I say, grateful for a laugh. ‘You were a bit.’

  ‘You deserve someone brilliant. I was just jealous. I guess you were right when you said I wasn’t used to you getting something I wanted. I feel like such a shit sister.’

  ‘While you’re already feeling shit …’ I venture.

  ‘What?’

  ‘There’s another reason why I felt like we should be a bit more separate … you say some things that I’m not really comfortable with. You make these little comments …’

  ‘Like what?’ Daisy looks confused.

  ‘Um …’ I say, trying to figure out where to start. ‘Well, you’ll talk about how you don’t want to get fat or about how skinny you’re looking, or you’ll make tiny digs about how I look or how inactive I am. I mean, you don’t always actually say it like that, but … it’s what you mean, right?’

  Daisy’s face has reddened. ‘No … not like that …’

  ‘But that’s what it sounds like to me, you know? It makes it difficult to be around you sometimes because I feel like I’m being judged all the time, and I don’t feel that way when I’m with Cassie.’

  ‘Shit,’ she says, looking at the carpet. ‘I really don’t think of you like that …’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like … you know, fat?’

  ‘But I am! And that’s OK, you know? It’s really an OK thing to be. I’m happy with my body and with who I am. So, I guess I just wanted to tell you, that when you say things like that it reminds me that you think it’s not an OK thing to be. And that makes it harder for us to have a relationship, you know?’

  ‘I hadn’t thought of it like that …’

  ‘I have to think about it all the time,’ I say, forcing myself to smile so she’ll know that I’m not still angry about it. ‘It would be nice not to have to.’

  ‘I don’t know where those thoughts come from sometimes … they just pop in my head, like I can’t help it? Like talking about the weather, just normal. But I know it shouldn’t be normal. I know that.’ She looks at me, earnestly. ‘I’m going to work on it, I promise.’ Daisy says, looking down at her hands, inelegantly digging some soil out from under her thumbnail with one of the many bobby pins strewn around her room.

  ‘Good,’ I say. ‘It can be your new thing for the day.’

  Daisy looks up. ‘Huh?’

  ‘Oh … yeah!’ I realize ‘I’ve been deliberately trying to do one new thing every day this summer. Like … to prepare myself for going away. Cassie’s been helping me come up with something weird every day that I’ve never done before so that by the time I leave, I’ll be more adventurous and ready for …’

  ‘A world of new things,’ Daisy says, gently.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I love you. And I hope you don’t get the grades to go to Leeds,’ she says, smiling.

  I laugh. ‘I love you, too. I hope you get the grades to go to Bristol and you change the world.’

  She beams at me and pulls me into a hug. I’m so relieved that things with Daisy are better, I nearly cry. ‘Do you want to stay here?’she asks.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. And that night, squashed up in her single bed, we sleep fitfully, both dreading the morning.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Today’s the day. I don’t even get a choice in what today’s new thing will be. A-level results have been thrust upon me by the universe.

  Cassie’s parents have reshuffled some staff around so we can have today and tomorrow off, and even though I don’t have to wake up to go to work, I’m awake even earlier than I would normally be. Daisy’s sleeping next to me, and I stare at the ceiling in her bedroom, thinking how perverse it is that I’m anxious about getting the grades I need to go to uni, rather than not getting them.

  I know Daisy’s been up half the night, I could tell by her breathing, worried that she won’t get the grades to do her physics degree. You know, like a normal person. Not like me, feeling backed into a corner and heading towards a future I hadn’t really thought through. It’s not like I didn’t choose this. That’s the problem here. I’m the architect of all of this, and now I want some hand to descend from the heavens and rearrange all the pieces on the weird chessboard of my life. And my best chance of that is if I just don’t get the grades to do my course. Or even the grades to get into my insurance choice, which is also miles away. At least today is the end of it. Today’s the day when I need to accept that the future is really happening, and maybe when I get confirmation, it won’t be as bad as I think it will be? The existential dread pressing on my chest seems to think otherwise.

  College at 9, yeah?

  Cassie. She’s decided to do an art foundation course, work, keep making art and see what she wants to do the next time UCAS applications open. A novel approach and one I should probably have considered myself, rather than feeling pressured into going down the academic route because my sister and I are meant to be clever. I send Cassie back a GIF that’s appropriately terror-filled, and once it feels like a reasonable time to get up, I nudge Daisy.

  ‘You awake?’ I ask.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I think yes.’

  ‘You think correct.’

  ‘Let’s have breakfast then head out?’ I ask. ‘You can accompany me as far as the bus stop on your walk.’ We’re going to two different places – me to college and her to our old school where she stayed on for sixth form.

  ‘Urgh, I don’t know if I can manage breakfast …’ she groans.

  ‘But it’s the special-occasion special!’ I protest.

  She sighs. ‘I guess.’

  In our pyjamas, we head downstairs where our mum is plating up smoked salmon and scrambled eggs. The elusive special-occasion special. Usually only seen on birthdays and Christmas, but clearly A-level results day has been designated an important enough event in the calendar of Lily and Daisy Rose to warrant it.

  ‘I was just about to wake you up!’

  ‘As if we were asleep,’ says Daisy, rolling her eyes and plonking herself down in her usual seat at the table.

  ‘I’m just glad to see you two have got over whatever was bothering you for the last couple of weeks,’ Mum says, turning to the table with our breakfasts. ‘I came to check on you last night to make sure you were okay and you were sleeping in the same bed like when you were kids – it’s too much! But honestly, Daisy, I don’t know what you think you have to worry about – I saw how hard you worked all throughout your A levels. You’re going to do just fine. You too, Lily.’

  ‘That’s what I’m worried about,’ I mumble. We eat our breakfasts in relative quiet except for the insistent mewling of Princess who’s been temporarily shut in the living room because the smell of the smoked salmon is making her so crazy. Very cute but very annoying. Then we head upstairs to get dressed for the Big Day.

  ‘I’m so sorry I can’t come with you …’ Mum’s standing at the doorway, biting her lip regretfully.

  ‘You literally have a job to do, Mum,’ I say. />
  ‘The animals of Weston Bay won’t thank you if you skip work to come get our results with us,’ says Daisy. ‘Think of all the little cats and dogs and hamsters and snakes. And we’ll text you straight away, won’t we?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, waving goodbye and heading up the path with Daisy. We walk together as far as the bus stop, where I pull her into a tight hug. ‘You’ve got this in the bag. You’re the best person in the whole world, and Bristol would be stupid not to take you.’

  We pull apart and she smiles at me. ‘Well, I mean, that’s one hundred per cent true. And with my awesomeness, I’ll pray that you don’t get the grades to go to Leeds. But even if you do, we’ll figure it out.’

  I have to remind myself to breathe on the bus because it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, and it’s only when I get off that I realize I’ve been grinding my teeth the whole time.

  Cassie is waiting for me outside college in a purple sundress and a bleached denim jacket. Her brown legs are so well-moisturized they almost look like they’re glowing. I feel weird for looking at them now, as if I haven’t seen them hundreds of times before. I try to shake off the guilt – I have enough to deal with today.

  ‘Have you been in already?’ I ask.

  ‘No way! I’m waiting for you!’

  ‘That’s very nice of you, I don’t know if I could resist my curiosity that long.’

  We turn to face the building and she resolutely holds out a hand. I look down at it, wondering if she wants me to shake it. But then I realize she wants me to hold it and I pause for a moment, but finally I do, my palm slick with sweat not only about my results but about the fact that this feels like flying too close to the sun somehow. It doesn’t seem right to hold her hand with everything that’s going on inside my head. Can she feel my feelings through my skin?

  We walk into college and head towards the long trestle table where large brown envelopes are laid out in alphabetical order by surname. As Palmer and Rose, Cassie and I are heading for the same end of the table, sidestepping classmates who we would ordinarily stop to chat to, but who are today in a world of their own.

  ‘Godspeed,’ says Cassie, dropping my hand and reaching out for the envelope with her name on it.

  I pick up mine, turn it over in my hands. It feels like a lead weight. I just have to accept my fate. I decided it all, anyway. I made all these choices, whether or not I think it’s fair that we’re expected to make the exact right choice when we’re seventeen. It was still my choice. And whatever is on the inside of this envelope, I’ll have to come to terms with it.

  I swallow hard, breathe deeply, and open it, sliding out the white sheet of A4 paper with my subjects and grades printed at the top. The spiky peaks of the As jump out at me. This is it. This is it. It’s all really happening. I’m really leaving. I’m really going to university. I’m really going hundreds of miles away. Even though I knew this was coming, I’m completely unprepared for this moment and wildly ill-equipped for what’s just around the corner. But as I stand there, dry-mouthed, in the corridor at college, I wonder for the first time if it’s actually a good thing. If leaving for another city means that I don’t have to deal with my feelings for Cassie. It could be the perfect time for a fresh start. A clean break. But it would also mean not seeing Cassie and I’m not sure that’s an option for me anymore.

  I thought that by now I would have tried so many new things that the familiar things wouldn’t seem so important, but … but … even though I’ve had loads of fun, I can’t help feeling like it was all a distraction from the real problem. Nothing important has changed. I don’t want to go. I just don’t.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder. ‘So?!’ Cassie asks, excitedly, gripping her own envelope.

  ‘Yeah, I did it.’ I smile weakly. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Somehow I managed to do, like, really well?!’

  ‘Maybe that’s because you’re a genius?’ I suggest. We’re interrupted by a couple of former teachers who have come in to congratulate, commiserate and guide the ones who need the commiserations through the UCAS Clearing process. But I’m not really listening to anything. I’m in my own little bubble. Self-preservation. Trying not to engage with anything or anyone because I don’t know what I want to say. I remember to text Daisy to find out how she did, even though I know she’s smashed it. I remember to text my mum to tell her that I got the grades to go to university.

  As we’re trudging down the long corridor, Cassie grabs me by the arm. ‘This is where I first saw you! With your bleeding ankles!’

  I smile at her, glad for her sentimental streak. It makes me feel a little bit safer in how much I love her. ‘It feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Feels like yesterday.’

  ‘Don’t you think you’ve changed since then?’

  ‘Not really,’ she says. ‘Why, do you?’

  I bite my lip. I wonder if I’ve changed or if everything I feel now was in me all along. Did I know when I applied to universities that I didn’t really want to go? That I just felt like I should apply because that’s what everyone else was doing? Was I always bi? Or is that something that was only ever going to reveal itself to me by knowing Cassie? I can never know. All I can do is sit with all of this knowledge and try to make better decisions in the future. ‘I don’t know.’

  Finally, we walk out of the building for the last time.

  ‘So … what do we do now?’ Cassie asks.

  ‘Yeah … I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.’

  ‘I feel like we should … drink? Something?’

  ‘Yeah, I guess so …’ I say. I really do want a drink. Or four.

  ‘But also it’s, like …’ She looks at her phone. ‘Quarter past nine. Shall we just go back to mine and watch films until it’s an appropriate drinking hour?’

  ‘Yeah, that sounds good,’ I say. I’m relieved to see a text pop up on my screen from Daisy which is just a line of party-popper emojis. Not a huge surprise, but reassuring none the less. Great success in the Rose household. The soon-to-be-empty Rose household.

  We walk to Cassie’s house half a mile away towards the centre of town. Every so often Cassie leaps in the air and clicks her heels together like she’s in a musical.

  ‘I thought your grades didn’t matter?’ I ask.

  Cassie frowns at me. ‘Just because I’m not going to uni this year doesn’t mean they don’t matter to me. I mean, I want to do well, but also … I am going to go eventually. I think. I don’t know. It’s nice to have options, right? And my parents will be delighted.’ I’m lagging behind a bit and she looks over her shoulder at me.

  ‘Yeah … I guess.’

  We arrive at Cassie’s house via the corner shop where we buy a variety of delights, before installing ourselves in front of the TV and scrolling until we find a channel that plays back-to-back episodes of Kardashian-flavoured shows.

  ‘I’m obsessed with Scott’s career in property development! This is how you celebrate,’ Cassie says, before tipping crisp scraps into her open mouth, as on the TV they contemplate another multimillion-dollar purchase.

  ‘Truly, this is the life,’ I say. I’m joking, obviously, but there aren’t many places I would rather be. It’s a place to hide from real life. And a place where I get to be with Cassie. It’s hard to look at her now. It almost breaks my heart. I sneak glances at her when we’re watching TV, out of the corner of my eye.

  ‘What?!’ Cassie catches me.

  ‘Nothing!’ I say, insistently. Cassie smiles slyly but doesn’t say anything. ‘Oh! I’d better text Cal …’ I see he’s already texted me to ask me how it’s all gone, which is annoying even though it’s nice, because I wanted to get there first for once in my life. Cal is another person who makes me feel guilty. I wish things could’ve stayed uncomplicated with me and him. I wish I could have kept feeling the way I felt towards him at the beginning. But whatever I felt for Cal was always mixed up with my issues with Daisy, and now it’s all mixed
up with how I feel about Cassie. I got into something with him because I wanted him, and I liked feeling wanted. I needed to know what it felt like to have something that other people wanted – that my sister wanted. I stayed in it because he’s so kind and thoughtful. He made me feel so sure of myself. But those are all the reasons why he deserves something better than what he’s got with me. He doesn’t deserve to be stuck in a relationship with me, now I know that I love Cassie, not him. I should have broken up with him a week ago, I know it. But he feels like a soft blanket, comforting and warm and a safe place to be while I’m so uncertain about what’s actually going on with me.

  No, I remind myself, I need to break up with him. I need to tell him not to stay in Weston Bay just for me.

  That’s amazing! Btw I just walked past someone taking a photo with one of your posters!

  ‘Cassie!’ I look up from my phone. ‘Cal says he just saw someone posing with one of our posters! How wild is that?!’

  ‘On the one hand extremely wild, on the other, they are perfect works of art, so not surprising at all.’

  ‘It was an honour and a privilege to work on it with you,’ I say. She beams and then wriggles along the sofa and rests her head on my shoulder, her hair tickling my neck. I breathe in the smell of coconut oil and the warm scent of her body. I sit very still, as if she’s a bird that’ll fly away if I move too suddenly. My arm feels dead and achy but I don’t want to lose this moment. And then I feel like I hate myself again. The guilt is back. That feeling like I’m doing something wrong by feeling like this around her without her knowing won’t leave my brain. I’m a mess.

  Sometimes I let myself think about how the conversation would go: how I would bring it up if I could. How it would play out. And all I can ever see it ending with is hurt and confusion. She’ll think about all the time we’ve spent together and how I was looking at her through a different lens. The fact that I’d been fancying her all this time would colour all of her memories of the time we’d spent together. She’ll say that we were never really on the same page at all and then she’ll never speak to me again. I can’t put us through that. It’s not worth it, just to get it off my chest. All for my own benefit. I can’t lose my best friend.