Dan's Hauntastic Haunts Investigates

by Alex Silver

  I loved him. We’d said it, in the grips of lust, but the words were no less true for it. They didn’t seem big enough to describe my emotions toward him.

  “I super freaking love you, you know that?” I mumbled into his chest. Daniel chuckled.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I propped myself up on one elbow and shoved his shoulder. “So if you ever pull another dangerous stunt like you did that day in the barn with Higgs again, I’ll save the ragey ghost the trouble of murdering you. Got me?”

  “Yes, dear,” Daniel leaned in close and kissed me, “I promise, no more dangerous stunts. And for the record, I love you too.”

  “Glad we got that on the record,” I gave him another gentle shove.

  “Speaking of Higgs, we have a haunting to handle before we can move on to our next location. You up for helping me put our first vengeful spirit to rest?”

  “It’s a date,” I said, “What’s the plan?”

  “Planning is your department, boss,” Daniel teased.

  “Oh, about that. Did you find time to read the proposal I put together?”

  “I don’t think we need a formal contract, babe. I’ll give you half of Haunted Holdings, or like since you’re stubborn 49%. Uncle Kurt helped me set it up as an LLC back when we were working on Vanessa.”

  “We are doing this right. I am not letting you sign away half of everything to me, like an impulsive love-struck dupe. Have your uncle review the contract. Then if you agree with the terms, sign. Otherwise I’m not taking a position as anything more than your lowly PA.”

  “Fine, I’ll forward everything to Uncle Kurt. Where did you learn to write that lawyer shit, anyway?”

  “It’s hardly complicated legalese. I know some stuff about running a business from getting my MBA. And I worked with contracts at Chorus. They are big on making sure their policy contracts are airtight, you know? I picked up a thing or two.” I shrugged it off.

  “Well, Haunted Holdings is lucky to have you on board. I might make you like, the CEO. Maybe the President,” he hugged me tight. “That’d be hot to say I’m fucking a CEO, right?”

  I laughed at him, “Sure, boss, whatever you say.”

  Daniel made a face, “seriously?”

  “Don’t worry, I hear it on good authority the future CEO of Haunted Holdings doesn’t mind if employees conduct consensual relationships.”

  “Is that a fact?”

  “Yeah. So, we’re in the clear. Now, let’s get ready and call Karen. It’s time to end this haunting.”

  FORTY-NINE

  Dan

  Karen was as cryptic with her help as ever. But after we hung up, Tabitha forwarded me PDFs of relevant books and resources. Chad and I spent the rest of the week reading up on how to cleanse a place of lingering spirits. I focused on the details of putting Frank to rest.

  Chad hit the books about protection. He drew up a spreadsheet covering ways to protect ourselves. He compiled a list of possible dangerous scenarios that might unfold. Then priced out a shopping list of paranormal gear to keep us safe on our adventures.

  “I’m not sure all that junk will fit in Vanessa. We only have so much space, you know,” I observed while reading over his shoulder. He gave me his best ‘don’t fuck with me’ look.

  “I’ll make it fit. Don’t you worry.”

  “You are the expert at making things fit into other things,” I leered at him. He shoved me away, but he was laughing.

  “Pervert, get back to work.”

  “Yes, boss,” I grinned as I turned back to my current reading material.

  It made for dry reading—I wasn’t sure how someone made a book of rituals to put the dead to rest boring, but they’d managed it. I preferred the one earlier that had been a compilation of first-person accounts.

  It didn’t contain much in the way of instructional material. But the ways others had handled hauntings painted a broad picture that left me feeling confident that if they could do it, so could I.

  Hours passed with me not getting through very many more chapters. I turned off my e-reader. Times like these, I missed physical books and the satisfaction of slamming a heavy tome shut. But traveling light was essential with Vanessa, so no physical books.

  The library would have to do to get my fix of their aged vanilla scent and the soft whisper of turning pages. And the ability to express my pique with dramatic gestures.

  I set aside the device and stretched. Chad arched a brow at me.

  “Done already?”

  I debated telling him I was only taking a break. But I was already sick of planning. I itched with the need to act before anything else happened with Frank.

  “Yep,” I said.

  “Really? You have a plan?” Chad looked skeptical.

  “I promised I would, didn’t I?”

  “Okay, let’s hear it.”

  Well, he wasn’t beating around the bush, was he? Put on the spot, I drew from what I’d read and my experience with the paranormal over the years, to bullshit a plan. It wasn’t as painful as I’d expected it to be, Chad even nodded along and suggested ways to make it safer.

  To my surprise, within the hour we were walking into the haunted barn to execute my plan, such as it was. It was only then that I realized I still had no practical clue what I was doing, and we would probably die. At least Frank would be there to keep our spirits company.

  FIFTY

  Chad

  Daniel’s plan sounded decent. He seemed confident it would work. We were both eager to stop Frank before he hurt anyone else. So armed with the stuff I’d been able to gather on short notice—salt, blessed water and some calming incense to soothe the angry spirit—we made our move.

  That might have been hasty, in retrospect. Our hearts were in the right place. It was evening. Since the ghost only seemed to appear later in the day and overnight, I didn’t expect we would have much luck in the light of day. Much as that would have felt safer.

  We went inside, cameras rolling at Daniel’s insistence. At my insistence, the camera we were using was his GoPro—hands free, for the win—even if the footage might come out shaky. We left the IR camera set up by the barn door to capture a second angle, and those were the only concessions I allowed for recording equipment.

  We stood near the entrance to the loft, the place where we’d seen the ghost the most. I sprinkled a line of salt around us, prepared a spritzer of the certified fancy water, and nodded to Daniel.

  Daniel finished what he was doing, arranging his notes at our feet. Then he stood and squared his shoulders to address Frank.

  “Mr. Higgs?”

  We waited. At first nothing happened, then dust and bits of straw blew across the floor in a breeze I didn’t feel. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. We weren’t alone here anymore.

  “Dan?”

  Daniel nodded, “Frank, can I call you Frank? I have exposed the Goodmans for their crimes against you. See?”

  Daniel held up the altered newspaper announcement he’d photoshopped. The headline screamed that the Goodman family had orchestrated Higgs’ death to take over the farm.

  The surrounding straw flew up higher, disturbing the line of salt. It made me wish we’d waited for the protective stones and herbs I’d ordered online to arrive.

  The lights we’d brought with us dimmed, as though something drained their batteries. Then a powerful gust of wind ripped through the barn. The door near Vanessa slammed shut.

  The flashlight guttered out, leaving us with only the LED indicator on Daniel’s GoPro and whatever light seeped in through gaps in the rundown roof and walls.

  “They shall pay!” a deep bass voice boomed through the structure.

  “They paid, see?” Dan held up the doctored headline. Higgs’ ghost materialized in front of him and snatched the paper, skimming it.

  “Higgs Dairy?” the gruff voice demanded, seeming to come from all around us.

  “Yes, I promise. We will tell anyone who will listen about what
happened here,” Dan swore. His sincerity and earnestness sounded utterly genuine. Frank gave him an appraising look. The fierce gale slackened, the temperature warmed a degree.

  I harbored a brief hope we might be in for an anticlimactic confrontation.

  Then Frank turned to me, his spectral pitchfork appeared, he leveled the prongs inches from my chest. I froze.

  “Blood for blood,” the ghost bellowed, its voice was clearer now as it fed on our fear.

  “What are you doing?” Dan yelled over the noise of doors slamming and wind roaring through the central aisle carrying eddies of dust and debris.

  “Take back what’s mine!”

  I was still holding the blessed water, so I spritzed it toward the weapon aimed at my heart. The solid tines took on an ethereal appearance, like I could pass my hand through them if I tried. Instead, I took a few prudent strides backward.

  The ghost followed, stalking after me with slow deliberate steps. When he stepped over the area where Dan had left his notes, he stopped. The ethereal wind died away. The din of objects moving gave way to eerie silence.

  We started at Frank’s ghost.

  It reminded me of watching a bug trying to crawl out of an overturned glass. He scrabbled at the air in front of him as though it were an impenetrable field.

  I glanced down at the sigils Daniel had chalked onto the floor from his notes. He breathed a sigh of relief.

  I listened as he spoke ritual words. Frank faded with each line Daniel recited, his figure growing fainter and fainter until he dissolved in a violent flash of blinding white light.

  Our flashlight beams brightened back to life.

  The sensation of being unwelcome I’d barely registered anymore lifted. The barn no longer seemed like hostile territory. My perpetual urge to flee the building, present since I first stepped foot inside, dissipated.

  The place still had an air of disuse about it, but it was no longer gave me the oppressive sense of something ominous lying in wait.

  “I think we did it,” Daniel said, with a hopeful smile.

  “Yeah,” I grinned at him, “I think we did.”

  EPILOGUE

  Chad

  “Hey, Crew! So how did you enjoy the wrap-up episode for Goodman Dairy?” Dan grinned into the camera.

  As always, his smile made me want him, but I could keep it in my pants for the length of the livestream. There would be plenty of time to jump his bones afterward. It would be our first sex in Maine en route to Hawk Lake for the September haunting.

  That made me think we should start a map of every state we’d fucked in. With our line of work, I figured we could check off all of them, maybe minus Alaska, Hawaii, and the outlying territories I made a mental note to mention the plan to Daniel after the live chat and find a map to print out for marking our progress.

  Daniel nudged me with his elbow to get my attention. I tried to cover my distraction by waving for the camera, “Hey, crew, did you miss me?”

  “Surprise! Chad took me back. How was that twist to this week’s video? Did you like it?”

  I didn’t read the comments. I didn’t care what they thought, Daniel chuckled at whatever they were saying though.

  “Yeah, he made me grovel, didn’t you, Chad?” Daniel bumped my arm again. I looked at him, unable to hide my affection as I took his hand in mine.

  “Just a little groveling.”

  “And you’ll all be glad to hear I am not banging my PA.”

  Daniel held up his hands, like he was quelling a protest. I glanced at the comments, surprised to see most of them seemed disappointed at the implication we weren’t a couple.

  “It’s true,” I said, playing along.

  “I know, I know—we are super cute together, thanks Bri. But we’ve discussed it and Chad will continue with Hauntastic Haunts as my partner, not my assistant.

  “He’s got some great ideas to improve the channel, and I think you guys will appreciate his organizational skills. Case in point, we will now have a regular scheduled live stream each week after the new video drops. Instead of just doing it whenever the fancy strikes me.

  “That should make it easier for everyone to tune it. We are throwing around having a live watch party for the big Hauntoween haunting coming up in October. It will be a good one, Chad is already working out the permits for us to film at the site we have planned.

  “The next full webisode will be the unboxing for a gadget that improves on our current EVP recorder. The maker had some impressive claims, that we will test for your edification. I can’t wait to give you the first sneak peek at the latest gear and our newest haunting.”

  “Can we give them a hint about where we’re headed?” I asked.

  We paused, letting them comment begging for details. Then Daniel grinned at me.

  “Yeah, babe, give them a teeny hint.”

  “We’re headed to a location that has shown up in regional fiction. And since Dan is still on medical orders not to drive long hours with his leg healing, we are staying in the Northeast next month. So we’ll start a post with your guesses as to the haunted site later tonight. Once we have frontrunners, we’ll set up a poll so you can vote on where you think our next Hauntastic Haunt might be.”

  “See? I told you this guy is way more organized than me, he will bring you all kinds of interactive goodies going forward, so monitor the channel for announcements. This fall will be a blast.”

  “Do we have time for some questions, Dan?” I delivered my line.

  “We have a few minutes, who has questions for us?”

  A few rolled in and Daniel snorted.

  “Questions that aren’t about Chad and I dating?”

  A glance at the comments showed that was a big negative.

  “Okay, I know when to give the people what they want, Chad, you want to field the first one?”

  Daniel pointed to a comment from RadRaf.

  “I made the first move, Raf. Dan was too worried I’d perceive any move on his part as workplace harassment. But the chemistry between us was undeniable, so I took a chance on him, and I’m so glad that I did.”

  We answered a few more questions. Where was our first date? What pet names did we use? Who was the blanket hog? Silly couple stuff.

  We ignored the sprinkling of questions about what we did in bed. That was none of their business, though a small childish part of me wanted to reply with a link to tentacle porn. I thought better of it though. Too on the nose. When the questions slowed, Daniel wrapped up the chat.

  “Thanks for tuning in, everyone, it’s nice to introduce my boyfriend to you knowing you’ll all show support. I am so proud of the community we’ve built here. You can’t know how much each of your support means to me.

  “Thanks for making me a part of your lives and I hope that our videos continue to bring entertainment to your lives for a long time.”

  “You guys are making him all mushy,” I teased. It was true Daniel was getting emotional though, so I put an arm around him and hugged him. “Let’s end it on that note. Watch for the teaser trailer for the September unboxing later this week. Until next time,” I paused, glancing at Daniel in a prompt for him to join me in saying his catchphrase. He picked up on my cue and we spoke in unison, “Have a hauntastic day!”

  Daniel ended the livestream, and I kissed him.

  “You are so hot when you get in front of a camera.”

  Daniel chuckled, “Is that a request to dabble in amateur porn with me? I could get on board with that.”

  I gave all his high-tech gear a significant stare, “I mean, tempting as that sounds, nope. Not interested in showing the world my junk. Or sharing your alien fetish with anyone.”

  “Fair enough. But we should totally practice, you know, in case you ever change your mind.”

  “You don’t think I look good fucking you already?” I batted my lashes at him, moving to straddle his lap.

  I could feel how hard he was, his dick jutting against my ass through his jeans. To be h
onest, I was rock hard too. We’d been busy since Frank’s departure.

  First getting the final Goodman Dairy wrap up video out on time. Then working with local law enforcement about the accident that put Ben in the hospital. It helped that the man was conscious and talking. He confirmed that we’d had nothing to do with his injuries. No one was pressing any charges, which worked out for us.

  A few days of getting the runaround about how to get our camera back from evidence and I was ready to call it a lost cause. It was a stroke of luck that Leon had a buddy on the force and he put in a good word for us.

  With no case, they released the camera back into Daniel’s custody. Then we’d spent a day completing the paperwork with Daniel’s uncle for me to buy into Haunted Holdings LLC.

  I liked his Uncle Kurt. He seemed to have Daniel’s best interest at heart and it showed in the negotiations. Daniel was ready to sign whatever I put in front of him from the start. His uncle made him slow down and consider the potential consequences. The process took longer over video chat than it would have in person, but we’d come to an agreement.

  On top of all that, I had to make the final arrangements for next month’s haunting. It had been a busy few days. I was excited to take on our next challenge though. With Daniel, it felt like every day held the promise of adventure.

  “I’m sure you look fantastic, which is why I’m thinking of installing a mirror above the bed. Then I can see you fucking me without having to record it.”

  “Or we could rig up a projector and you can play tentacle porn on it while we fuck, get you in the mood. And terrify or confuse anyone who stands too close to Vanessa when we get going.”

  Daniel laughed, “Oh, man, don’t tempt me. How hilarious would it be to play that shit when we get nosy neighbors?”

  “Does that happen often?”

  Daniel shrugged, “More in the summer. When more people are camping.”

  I snuggled against his warm chest, dropping my head to his shoulder. His arms wrapped around me to hold me close. I wriggled in response, teasing us both with the slide of friction between our groins.