The Fireman's Perfect Match

by Patty H Scott

  “Lunch was great. We were really getting along. Then Kat came home. She shut the door kind of hard, like a slam. I jumped and it was like someone lit a match inside me. My heartrate picked up. My head felt tight. I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack right in front of Caleb. It would have been the first in weeks. I didn’t know what to do. We had been laughing, warming up, or at least that’s what I thought. After that slam, I closed off.”

  Shannon puts her hand on my arm and gives me a look of compassion. “I’m sorry. Are you okay now?”

  I say, “I’m feeling better. A little too late, unfortunately. When my anxiety kicked in, I asked Kat to speak in private. She and I went in her office. I told her how the door slamming triggered me. I said my breath was feeling short and I just needed to breathe. I kept thinking I couldn’t let Caleb see me come unraveled. Kat wrapped her arms around me, and I cried. I felt better, but still uptight. After talking with her I was able to go back and finish lunch with Caleb.”

  I think about how aloof and reserved he was the rest of our time together. I hold back tears.

  I tell Shannon, “When I came out, he was distant. Not unkind, just more pulled back, like he sensed something was wrong with me—and by that, I mean, he sensed that I’m broken.”

  I start tearing up as I realize how much I’ve lost and what remains of me after this trauma. I just want my old self back. More than that, I want Caleb.

  I say, “We watched a movie after lunch. I sat right next to him. Even though I was feeling all tense and balled up from my anxiety, I leaned on him. I thought if he wanted to move our relationship out of the friend zone, he would do something—try to kiss me or at least put his arm around me in some sign of affection. He didn’t respond at all. We sat that way the whole movie. Me leaning on him. Him being platonic.”

  Shannon looks at me with compassion. She asks, “Do you want my honest opinion?”

  “Of course.”

  “I think the anxiety and fear of panicking in front of Caleb might have caused you to act differently. Maybe he felt cautious. You said he was warm before that, right?”

  “Yes. We were even a little flirty. It felt so good—like we were headed back to something we lost.”

  She asks, “Things changed after the door slammed?”

  I say, “Yes.”

  Shannon says, “Okay, so I’m thinking if a man like Caleb cooks you lunch, he is trying to reconnect. He was thinking of you. Let’s put it this way. He hasn’t invited me to lunch.”

  In a louder voice than I intended I say, “I hope not!”

  “What I’m saying is, he’s pursuing you. You two have a lot to patch up and figure out, but he’s making a move. You said it yourself. You shut down. He probably sensed that and gave you some space. Do you think you ought to tell him about the attack?”

  “I am going to have to. Just the idea of it overwhelms me. It’s like I’m trying to sell a car, so I take the buyer around to show them all the dings and tell them about how it uses more gas than it used to. How is that a great sale? I feel like I’m damaged goods, Shannon. I don’t want to point that out.”

  Shannon assures me, “First of all, you are far from damaged goods. You are one of the most caring and thoughtful people I know. You are fun and devoted. I could go on. None of that has changed. You were violated and victimized, and you have fought your way back to some normalcy. And your story isn’t over. You are still healing. It’s only been a month. Secondly, if you were selling a car with some issues, wouldn’t you want the buyer to know—full disclosure?”

  “Thanks, Shannon. He deserves to know. You are right. Maybe the truth will set us free to move forward.”

  She says, “I know it will. I’m not promising what will happen with Caleb. I just know you can’t build your way back while hiding something this significant from someone that important to you.”

  “You are such a good friend to me, Shannon.”

  “Right back at you. What are you doing for dinner? You want to cook something together here? Or do you need some solitude?”

  “I’d love the company. Let’s go make some Chinese chicken salad. I prepped the ingredients yesterday.”

  I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT with Nancy this afternoon. My talk with Shannon has been rolling through my head for the past two days since she was here. I need to tell Caleb about my anxiety and what caused it.

  I pull up to the church lot. I remember the first day I came here for counseling. I didn’t even feel safe walking into the church. Since then I have been able to confidently walk around. Realizing that emboldens me a little. Shannon was right. I am not finished healing. There’s more to come. I head into church and down the hall to Nancy’s office.

  “Hi, Nancy.”

  “Oh, hi, Mindy. Come on in.”

  “Thanks.”

  I take a seat and let out a breath.

  Nancy says, “So, tell me about how life has been for you this past week since we last met.”

  “I had lunch with Caleb.”

  She asks, “Oh? How was that?”

  “Well, it was great and then it wasn’t. I was thrilled that he asked me. He’s a great cook and he made pizza and chocolate chocolate-chunk cookies.”

  “He cooked for you?”

  I tell her, “Yes. He loves to cook.”

  “So, you said it was great, and then it was not. How about you tell me about both sides of that coin.”

  I tell Nancy about the flirtation and warmth, how we were building into something that felt familiar and good, maybe even restoring our romantic relationship. I tell her about the door slamming, me talking to and crying with Kat, and how it was awkward between me and Caleb after I came out of Kat’s office.

  Nancy says, “So, it sounds like he wasn’t sure how to respond after you left the table.”

  “That’s what Shannon said too. I thought there might be more to it, like he saw how different I am and that scared him off.”

  She says, “Hmmm. Well, since I left my crystal ball at home, I don’t think we can discern that. I do know that we can get ourselves into some deep yogurt when we assume why others do what they do or when we try to figure out what they are thinking.”

  I say, “Deep yogurt sounds about right.”

  Nancy suggests, “So, let’s talk about you. That’s where change always happens—within us. Transformation and healing don’t come from focusing on what others are thinking, doing, or saying. So, how are you feeling after all this?”

  “I think I’m grieving. I lost Caleb through this ordeal. Between his accident and the mugging, we lost our connection. I spent years privately waiting for him and now it seems an ocean divides us.”

  Nancy says, “I’d agree. You are grieving. And you aren’t only grieving Caleb. You are grieving the losses that came with the attack.”

  “Yes. I’ve lost a lot, even though I’m not alone. I have my parents. Kat and Shannon are great, but there’s a void where Caleb had been. I’ve never really felt the loss of Caleb before. I always held onto him as either a hope or an impossibility, but now that we’ve shared such an intimate connection, I feel an empty space in my heart without him. And I don’t know how to make my way back to him—or if he even wants that.”

  Nancy says, “Time will tell as to whether Caleb wants to restore your relationship. It seems to me that an invitation to lunch where he cooked for you is a peace offering of some sort. I don’t want us to read into that, but it sure means he wants connection with you at some level.”

  I agree, “That’s true. I think the bigger question is whether I can burden him with my anxiety. I care too much about Caleb to ask him to endure this with me. He’d have to learn to compromise to make room for my insecurities and unexpected bouts of anxiety. This is a burden for me—I don’t think I can ask Caleb to carry it with me.”

  Nancy asks, “So, when Caleb was struggling after his accident, was he a burden to you?”

  “No! Not at all. I wanted to be there for him. I could
n’t imagine letting him go through the aftermath without me. I know he felt like a burden, but I never felt that way about him.”

  “Do you think Caleb might possibly feel the same way? He might deserve the chance to decide whether it’s a burden or a privilege to walk through this with you.”

  “A privilege?”

  Nancy says, “Like you just said, coming alongside someone we love is a blessing. We feel needed. We get to see how our presence shores them up.”

  I say, “I know you are right. Shannon basically said the same thing earlier this week.”

  Nancy says, “I want to prepare you. Caleb may not respond well. From my chair, I see you already grieving a loss. If you actually lose him, you are right back here—surviving and moving forward in grief. But, wouldn’t it be better to know for sure from him that he chose not to walk along with you than to reject him before he had the option?”

  “Yes. That’s true. I need to give him the choice. I would want that if the situation were reversed. I’m going to tell Caleb everything. I’ll let him decide if he wants me after he knows the whole story.”

  chapter twenty-three

  Caleb

  KAT, JACK AND I ARE sitting around the table for supper. I’m cooking more often now. Tonight it’s garlic butter steak, mushroom risotto, and a spring green salad with cranberries, almonds, and feta. I even made a homemade raspberry vinaigrette for the salad.

  Kat puts a bite of the steak in her mouth and says, “Caleb, as far as I’m concerned, you can move in and be my personal chef.”

  Jack chimes in, “Well, as far as I’m concerned, he can get his own place and visit to cook for us.”

  I laugh. “Hey, guys, speaking of my own place. I got a call today from the City of Bozeman. They decided to move forward. I’ve been offered a transfer to the local firehouse, Station Number Two, as a lieutenant. I have my EMT cert renewal to complete before fall, but they want me to start once my leg is healed and I’m cleared to return to duty. So, in a nutshell, I won’t be your live-in chef, but I’ll come cook for you on some of my off days.”

  Kat says, “Woo hoo!” and pumps her hands up in the air.

  “That’s great. I am so glad you’ll be nearby. I’m sure Mindy will be glad to have you in town too.”

  I say, “I don’t know. She sort of flew out of here like I had a communicable disease the other day after lunch. We’re not having an easy go of things right now.”

  Jack says, “Don’t give up on her, bro. Not like I need to tell you that. You’ve held the torch for her since forever. It’s not like it’s going to go out just because you are both going through some challenges.”

  Kat says, “At least you both are going to counseling.”

  She covers her mouth with her hand.

  “Oh shoot! That’s not my information to share. It’s hers to tell. No one is going to trust me with anything I’m such a blurter. Agh!”

  I ask, “So, Mindy is in counseling?”

  Kat says, “I already said too much. Just know you two have support and you shouldn’t call it a day yet.”

  Why would Mindy be in counseling? Did our breakup impact her that much?

  Jack looks at me with this sincere older-brother look he gets when he means business.

  He says, “You love her. She’s worth the fight. That’s all you need to know. The rest of this, you two have to figure out together. Have you apologized for how your struggle after the accident caused you to push her away?”

  “No. I wanted to. I just wanted us to have a few good times, to rebuild the ease between us. Then I was going to own how I messed up. I’m not avoiding an apology. I just want to time it right.”

  Jack says, “I get that. You’ll know when. Just don’t let a rift grow deeper between you. Take it from me.”

  Kat leans over and kisses Jack’s cheek. I remember their struggles and it helps me gain hope. Relationships can go through distancing. The important thing is that you keep trying to find a way back to one another.

  I excuse myself from the table and propel myself into the living room. This can’t wait. I pick up my phone and look out the front windows while it rings.

  “Hey. Mindy?”

  She answers, “Hey, Caleb. How are you?”

  I say, “I’m okay, but honestly, I need to straighten something out. Are you home?”

  “I am home. I was actually just considering driving over to see you.”

  “You were?”

  She says, “Yes. I have something to tell you—and I know it may be a deal breaker, but I need to share it with you and let you decide that for yourself.”

  “Nothing could be a deal breaker where you are concerned. I have something to tell you too. I hope you will stick around after you hear me out.”

  Mindy says, “I am sorry I left so abruptly after lunch. You’ll understand when we talk. Just know you’re not shaking me that easy.”

  “As if I want to shake you.”

  She asks, “Do you want me to come over to Kat and Jack’s? I mean, I’m assuming you can’t drive here.”

  I say, “No. I’ll have Jack drive me over. We’ll have more privacy at your place. Just stay put.”

  I thought I’d wait to call Mindy, but I’ve never been known for my patience. Besides, if you think of it, I’ve been waiting for her for most of my life and I don’t want to wait any longer. I head back in the kitchen.

  “Jack, I hate to disrupt supper, but I need to go see Mindy, like now. Can you drive me?”

  He smiles and says, “That’s the Caleb I know. Let me grab my keys.”

  I look at Kat. She’s basically beaming. I hope she’s onto something.

  chapter twenty-four

  Mindy

  I WALK INTO THE BATHROOM and check my hair. I head out to the porch and fluff the pillows on the swing. I’ve got this nervousness in my heart, but it’s not anxiety. It’s anticipation. Caleb wants to see me too. I sit on the swing. Then I get up and walk over to the other side of the porch. I walk back to the swing. I think I’m going to pop out of my skin as the minutes tick by waiting for Caleb to arrive.

  After what feels like an eternity, I hear a car on the driveway. Caleb comes around the corner of the Morgans’ home propelling on his crutches like he’s the front runner in a marathon for the Special Olympics. I get up from the swing and walk to the edge of the porch. He strides right up to where I’m standing.

  He says, “Mindy, there’s so much I need to tell you. I’ve been through a lot since the accident. Mostly I want you to know I miss you like crazy. I mean I can’t imagine life without you in it. Then when we were there watching the movie. I just sat there smelling your hair. You smell so good, and I thought you didn’t want me, but I sure wanted you. But maybe we couldn’t make this ...”

  I bend in and silence Caleb. My lips meet his as I grab out and hold his face to kiss him with all the love and hope and assurance I can muster. Whenever I see him floundering my instinct is to give him an anchor. Caleb and I have always been meant for one another. I need him to know I’m still his.

  I kiss him with intensity, letting our mouths linger together. He leans his arms on his crutches and puts his hands behind my head. He runs his fingers through my hair. When he pulls back, our foreheads rest together.

  He breathes out my name, “Mindy.”

  And then he kisses me on the nose, on my cheeks, along my jaw and finally he returns to my lips. This kiss is full of a month’s worth of longing and wondering. It’s a reunion and a confirmation. The chasm between us shrinks as we find our way back to one another through our kiss.

  I pull back, breathless and full of sweet contentment.

  “Caleb, do you intend to stand there kissing me all evening? Is that what you came here for?”

  “I just might. Would you complain?”

  He gets that mischievous little smirk he’s had ever since I can remember.

  I say, “Not in the least. But I do have something I really need to share with you. Can you co
me up to the swing?”

  A tear forms in my eye. I’m scared of shattering what we just reclaimed. I hope Caleb will receive me like he just did after he knows all I’ve endured and what I have left to offer him.

  Caleb says, “If you insist, but I’m kissing you again tonight. Don’t think I’m not. Besides, I have some important things to say to you too.”

  I make a space for Caleb to sit on the swing. I grab a low table and set in front of us for him to prop up his leg. Then I sit next to him, and I lean back onto him. He puts his arms around me. I don’t want to break the comfortable silence as we nestle here, but I know I have to get through sharing everything with him. Putting it off will only prolong the question as to whether he will stay with me.

  “Mindy ...”

  “Caleb ...”

  We start speaking at the same time and laugh.

  “Okay, Mindy. You go first.”

  I take a deep breath. Caleb rubs his thumb along my upper arm as though he can sense I need his reassurance. I turn a little so I can face him. He keeps his arm around my shoulder. I want to look in his eyes when I tell him everything.

  I say, “After the accident, I had a CEU class on campus at MSU. It was in the evening.”

  He looks at me with a little concern and questioning in his eyes.

  “As I was walking out of the Education Building to the parking lot, I heard someone behind me.”

  I look down. This is too hard. Caleb takes my chin between his thumb and pointer finger and gently lifts it, so my eyes meet his.

  He softly asks, “What happened?”

  Tears fill my eyes, but Caleb is still holding my chin, looking at me with such compassion and care. I have to get this out. I have to say it out loud to him.

  “I thought it was another student. I was nervous, so I dialed Kat, and then I turned. But he was already behind me. He grabbed me.”

  I start crying and drop my head onto his chest. Now I’m sobbing. The tears flow and Caleb sits holding me. He isn’t saying a word, but his hand is on my back, rubbing circles and he starts kissing the top of my head. I look up to see his expression. He looks like he wants to injure someone—his whole demeanor is protective. He wants to defend me. He’s not mad at me. He’s mad at the man who attacked me.