by Ivy Smoak
Either way, I didn’t feel comfortable making an account. I sighed and exed out of the browser. I thought I’d be able to just look him up and find him easily. I wanted to be able to show Tucker that he was alive and well. If he believed that…maybe he’d believe the rest of my story too.
I tried to ex out of the Netflix video but ended up going to a details page of the show Zeke had been watching. I was about to close the whole browser when I saw the name J.J. Walker. He was a writer for whatever stupid cartoon this was. Joel’s middle name was Jovi. It was a ridiculous middle name. Joel had been embarrassed the first time he told me about it. But I hadn’t laughed. I’d been so madly in love with him that I even loved his silly middle name.
I typed "J.J. Walker sitcom writer" into a new browser. And there he was. Hundreds of pictures of him looking older than he had in high school. There was even an article about him published a few weeks ago. He was wearing black-rimmed glasses and had grown one of those trendy lumberjack beards. They both looked stupid on him. He was trying too hard to fit in.
J.J. Walker. He changed his whole identity for what? To prove he could make it out there? It was probably for some stupid publicity thing or something. But it felt like he was trying to stay hidden. From me, most likely. After all, I had broken his heart. Just not as much as he had broken mine. I stared at his picture. Alive and well in Cali. If my life had turned out differently, I could have been next to him in that picture. I could have a ring on my finger and maybe another kid by now.
It was like I was trying to force myself to feel something. I didn’t want a ring from him. And I certainly didn’t want a kid that resembled a homeless lumberjack. I had everything I’d ever wanted right here. I glanced toward the stairs. Zeke was my whole world. And Tucker was slowly becoming a part of our world. It was a lot easier to imagine a child that resembled him.
I shook away the thought. The last time I had told the truth, I lost everything. Part of me wanted to slam the laptop shut. The other part of me wanted to believe in second chances. This could be a good thing. Joel wasn’t the man for me, that was a fact. But that didn’t mean that Tucker couldn’t be.
Or maybe telling the truth was a bad idea. Was that the lesson here? I had told Joel the truth and it hadn’t exactly gone well. And now there was even more to the story. I took a deep breath. I didn’t have a choice. I had been drowning in my lies for six years. There had to be a way out. If I was ever going to move on, I needed to come clean.
I stood up, carrying the laptop with me back to my bedroom. I climbed into bed with Tucker. Instead of poking his side to wake him, I pushed his hair away from his forehead. He looked so content sleeping. Not a care in the world. I wanted to curl up beside him and take refuge in the safety his arms provided. Our talk today would change things. Maybe it would bring us closer. More likely I’d be behind bars before dinner.
But he’d already ignored evidence for me once. I’d had an unregistered gun and he just brushed the whole thing under the rug like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal. I was pretty sure it was a felony. How many felonies could a detective ignore? I stared at his perfect face. Hopefully he could ignore a few more. I just needed a chance to explain everything before he reacted. Tying him up and putting duct tape on his mouth before he woke up was tempting. He’d have to hear me out if he couldn’t escape. But that was crazy. The whole point was that I wasn’t crazy. At least, not in the way that everyone thought.
My delete key flew off my laptop. I lifted it off my pillow. I hadn’t even realized I’d been pulling on it. That was the only thing that scared me about myself. When I did things and didn’t even know I was doing them. I took a deep breath. I was getting in my head, psyching myself out. There was no getting out of this. I had made up my mind to tell him. Once I made up my mind to do something, it was only a matter of time until it got done. I glanced around my bedroom. Just look at what I had accomplished here. This house had been falling apart when I bought it. Now the whole upstairs was beautiful.
Tucker shifted in bed, pulling my focus back to him.
I reached out for him again. This time my hand was shaking. The beginning of the end was near. I didn’t want to believe it, but the thought seeped into my bones, settling there. I just hoped that I didn’t have to do what I did six years ago. My heart couldn’t take it. I lightly touched his shoulder. “Tucker?” I whispered.
He opened his eyes a crack. A smile spread across his perfect face. “Good morning, beautiful.”
His words made my stomach flip over. His smile was contagious. I could feel the corners of my mouth turning up. “Good morning.”
It looked like he was about to pull me back against his chest. I had already indulged last night. As tempting as it was to have him keep looking at me the way he was, it wasn’t deserved. “He’s alive.” The words sounded harsh in the still morning.
“Who?” Tucker yawned as I shoved the computer onto his lap.
He slowly sat up and pushed the screen back a bit so it wasn’t right in his face. “J.J. Walker?”
“Yeah, it’s Joel. His middle name is Jovi. He must have changed his name to J.J. when he moved. He’s trying to be a hipster now or something. But that’s why no one could find him. They were looking for Joel instead of J.J.” I pointed to the screen.
“This article is from a few weeks ago.”
“Right.” I turned my attention back to Tucker’s face instead of the screen. “See…I didn’t kill him.”
“I didn’t think you killed him, Vi.” He finally lifted his gaze back to mine.
I loved when he called me that. I loved when he looked at me like that even more. “Everyone else thinks I did.”
“And now we can prove that you’re innocent. The rumors will stop.”
In his sleepy state he was forgetting about the rest of the rumors. “Maybe."
His eyebrows lowered. “Or we can just skip town and start over somewhere new. We can have a normal life somewhere else.”
“I thought normalcy was overrated?”
He smiled. “It is. But your reaction made it seem like you didn’t want to stay.”
Because you don’t know everything yet. “Isn’t it a little fast for a we?”
“I’m not some 18-year-old kid trying to add notches to my bedpost. Last night meant something to me.”
“Did you do a lot of things you regret when you were 18?” I did. I ruined my life. I sabotaged any chance of a life with you.
He closed the laptop. “Enough. But I try not to live in the past. We all make mistakes. It doesn’t mean we can’t have a better future.”
I wouldn’t classify the things I had done as mistakes. Doing something once was a mistake. I hadn’t just done it once. But I did regret it. Well, parts of it. I stared into his eyes. “You want a future with me and Zeke?”
“And whatever that new lizard’s name is.”
I smiled. “Lizardnoceros I think? I don’t know where he comes up with these things.”
“But yeah. I can picture a future for us. Can’t you?”
I nodded without hesitating. I could. It was easy. He was already so good with Zeke. And he didn’t look at me like I was a monster. Yet. It was possible that I could keep everything a secret for a little longer. But it felt like I was running out of time. With the FBI still sniffing around and Damien pressing things? It was only a matter of time before my secrets rose to the surface anyway. I needed to get out ahead of it.
He leaned forward like he was about to kiss me, but then pulled away before our lips touched. “Do you have a toothbrush I could use?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I have spares in the bathroom vanity. Help yourself. Actually, do you mind heading downstairs pretty soon? I don’t want Zeke to know that you spent the night. It will lead to way too many questions.”
“Not a problem.” He slid the laptop onto the bed. “Do you think you will talk to him at some point? About us?”
“Yeah.” Probably. We’ll see how the rest of the d
ay goes.
“In the meantime, I’ll just pretend that we’re still only friends.” He winked at me and walked toward the bathroom.
He was only wearing a pair of boxers and I found my eyes wandering over the muscles in his back. I didn’t realize how sexy a back could be. He turned around at the last second. He smiled when he caught me staring. “Zeke definitely looks more like you than Joel. He’s a cute kid.”
His words made my heart race. Sometimes it was like he already knew the truth. “Yeah.”
Tucker smiled again.
As soon as the bathroom door closed, I opened my laptop back up. I typed “how soon is too soon to trust someone” into the search box. I needed to know if I was crazy for feeling this strongly about him so quickly. The last thing I wanted was to do to him what I had done to Zeke’s father.
Chapter 24
Tucker
Violet was just as gorgeous in the early morning. Although, we didn’t exactly wake up together. She’d been up for a while, scouring the internet for her ex. I felt like a dick for not showing her that I believed her earlier. I felt worse for not telling her what I’d done before sleeping with her. We were supposed to talk last night, but I stopped thinking when she put her hands on me. She was even more gorgeous when she was angry. Luckily, any trace of anger was long gone now. And I had until tonight to tell her about poking around her childhood home. It wasn’t going to be a fun conversation, but I had to do it. I was too far gone. Even if I wanted to, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to reel in my feelings for her. I was in trouble with her.
I opened up one of the drawers in her vanity. Three tubes of toothpaste. Three containers of floss. Three lighters. Three hair brushes. It was obsessive to have three backups of everything. But I knew she had compulsions. She probably couldn’t resist the purchases.
I pulled open one of the other drawers. I was expecting to see more bathroom supplies, not three sets of binoculars. Really high-tech ones. I had used a pair like this on a hiking trip once. I lifted a pair up and walked over to the window. After pulling the blinds open, I put them up to my eyes. Most of the leaves had fallen from the trees now, giving me a clear view of the woods. The lake in the distance glistened in the morning sun. It was a beautiful view. I turned my head. Huh. I lowered the binoculars. I could also clearly see the house that had blown up. It was easy to make out even without the binoculars. It was a perfect vantage point.
Which means nothing. I lifted the binoculars back up and looked at Vi's childhood home in the distance instead. Would she really want to leave this place? The trail from the back of her home to the lake meant something. But how could she love it here when the people were so cruel?
I lowered the binoculars. I needed to tell her I went to her old house. And I needed to flat out ask her what happened all those years ago. There was more to the story of Joel. But it was a relief that he was alive. It put that little voice in the back of my head finally at rest. Violet was a good person. I put the binoculars back where I found them and I pulled open the cabinet at the bottom of the vanity. There was a lot of toilet paper, stacked in columns of three. There were three of the same shampoos. Three conditioners. Three body washes. Three deodorants. Maybe a doctor could help her with her compulsions. Had she ever been to one? It was worth asking her about. Mixed with everything else I was going to bring up later, asking about a doctor didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
I opened up the final drawer. Three backup toothbrushes. I pulled one out and wondered if only having two in there would upset her. I’d pick up another after work today. I closed it and quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face.
When I came back out of the bathroom the bed was empty. She had made it, removing any trace that two people had slept in it instead of one. I understood. It was going to be hard explaining it to Zeke. He asked a whole lot of questions about everything. His mind was like a sponge. He’d certainly taken to cursing like a sailor pretty easily.
I tried to be quiet as I made my way downstairs. Luckily it was just Violet in the kitchen. Zeke must have still been asleep.
“Do you have three of everything?” I asked as I sat down on one of the three kitchen stools.
She poured a cup of coffee and placed it in front of me. “It’s good to have a back up for your back up. Just in case.”
“Fair point.” I wrapped my hands around the mug, happy for the warmth it provided. The old house was drafty despite the fixed heater. “Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor for your compulsions? I feel like they make medicine to help with them.”
She put a few slices of bread in the toaster and proceeded to make a sandwich with two more slices. “I don’t like doctors.”
“No one likes doctors.”
She finished the sandwich and put it into a plastic container. “I mean…I don’t do doctors. I haven’t been to one since Zeke was born.”
“What about when you’re sick?” I already knew the answer. She was sick when we first met and she just waited it out.
She shrugged. “I’ve taken Zeke to the pediatrician a few times. But I manage just fine myself.”
“Do you always pack Zeke’s lunch?”
“The food in the cafeteria isn’t organic.” She put the sandwich and an apple into a lunchbox. “You’re full of questions this morning.”
“We kind of skipped over our talk last night. And I need to ask some questions…I don’t want you to think I’m a bad detective.” She had joked about that last night. I hadn’t taken it too seriously, but I didn’t want her to actually think I was bad at my job. Even if I kind of was. Sometimes it was hard to find passion in a job that dealt with so many horrors. When I was with her, it was easy to forget all the horrible things I had seen. She was a breath of fresh air.
“I didn’t mean you were actually bad at your job. I was referring to you being responsible for picking out that lizard. You clearly didn’t get a good look at Lizardopolous. Zeke saw right through the imposter. But I guess in some other ways…you kind of are a bad detective.”
She was making it hard not to be offended here. “In what other ways?”
“You’ve been flirting with your prime suspect.”
“It’s not my case anymore.”
“Just because it’s not your case doesn’t make me innocent.”
“We both know you’re innocent.”
She closed the lunchbox after putting in a bottle of water. “Do you think that maybe we can have that talk today?” She fidgeted with the lid of the lunchbox.
“I can come by for lunch.” It was tempting to call in sick, but the captain was already breathing down my neck. I was trying to get off her shit list, not move my name to the top of it.
“That would be great.” She nodded like she was trying to convince herself her words were true. The toaster popped, breaking the awkward silence. “Toast?” She didn’t wait for a response, she just started spreading jam on it and slid me a plate.
“Is everything okay, Vi?”
“Yeah.” She kept her eyes glued to her piece of toast. “We just have a lot to talk about.”
She wasn’t wrong. I’d somehow avoided all the awkward questions that would usually happen before I was intimate with a woman. Not to mention all the awful boundaries I had crossed by looking into her past. This afternoon would be my chance to come clean about everything. Or I could suck it up and do it now. I cleared my throat.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Zeke shrieked. His little feet pounded on the steps as he bolted down the staircase. “Lizardopolous came home! Lizardopolous came home!” He was holding his new lizard high in the air as he slid into the kitchen.
I didn’t know what had changed his mind. Maybe he had a dream that his real lizard came home. Either way, I was glad to see he believed now.
“Oh!” Violet said and crouched down to look at him. “How about that. I told you once he started doing his camouflage thing you’d realize it was him.”
“No. I mean he must have come home last night whi
le I was sleeping. This is Lizardopolous. See? He has the tummy spots.” He put him right in Violet’s face and pointed out the spotted belly.
“Right. It’s definitely Lizardopolous. He has all the right spots.” She looked pleased with herself.
Zeke shook his head. “You’re not getting it. The one you found wasn’t Lizardopolous. This is.”
Violet nodded. “Of course.”
“I’m being very clear and you’re just not getting it.” He pushed Lizardopolous into Violet’s hand, reached into his pocket and pulled out a second lizard. “Lizardnoceros,” he said and lifted up the pocket lizard. “Lizardopolous.” He pointed at the one in Violet’s hand.
“Oh.” Violet’s smile turned into a frown. “He came back?”
Zeke jumped up and down. “Yes! He came home!”
“So you have two lizards now?”
“Yup!” Zeke grabbed the lizard out of his mother’s hand and started to shove both the lizards into his pockets.
“Zeke. What have we talked about?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “We talk about a lot of things.”
“Put the lizards back in your room. Now. I want to get going early so we beat the crowded drop-off line.”
He nodded. “Okay. I’ll be good. I don’t want to ever have to take the bus again.” He ran back out of the room, a lizard in each hand.
“How the hell did that happen?” Violet asked. “I thought you threw Lizardopolous into the woods?”
“I did,” I said with a laugh. “He must have found his way back home.”
“Now he has two of those awful little things. God.” She started fidgeting with the lunchbox even more. She bunched her lips to the side like she was deep in thought.
It reminded me how she said sometimes she’d get lost inside her mind. I put my hand on top of hers. “It’s fine, I’m sure he’ll take good care of them.”
“It’s not that.” She shook her head. “It’s just…I kind of want to get him a third one now even though I hate them. Three would be better.”
