by A. M. Myers
“Good luck,” Streak says. Blaze’s face looks grim as he stands and holds his hand up, stopping us from charging out of the room.
“I know y’all want to see your boy and I can’t say that I blame you but just remember that his family, the parents and possible siblings he’s been living with for the past seven years, have no idea how he came to be with them. They’re victims in this, too.”
Noah glances at me and I nod. Blaze is absolutely right. There is only one person to blame for our situation and it’s certainly not the people who stepped up and took care of my son when I couldn’t. No matter how much losing him hurts, no matter how angry I am at all the years I’ve lost, they aren’t to blame.
“Hear you loud and clear, boss,” Noah says before pulling me closer and wrapping his arm around my shoulders as we turn and leave the room. My heart thunders in my chest as we walk out to the truck and my stomach feels like someone dropped a boulder in it.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I whisper when we stop by the passenger side of the truck and Noah lifts my gaze to his, his expression softening.
“It’s going to be okay, baby.”
I shake my head as my stomach rolls and tears spring to my eyes. “He’s been right across the river this whole time. I’m his mother… I should have known he wasn’t dead. Why didn’t I know?”
“How could you have, Kady?”
“I’m his mother,” I cry, clutching at my chest like I can somehow stop the onslaught of pain and confusion drowning me right now. A sob bubbles out of me and Noah’s face crumples as he pulls me into his arms and crushes me to his chest. “I should have known.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“I should have known,” I sob, clinging to the back of his t-shirt as the tears come faster and my chest tightens so forcefully that it’s difficult to breathe. Noah shoves his hand into my hair, massaging the back of my head as he holds me tight with his other arm and presses his lips to the top of my head. I feel a single tear fall on my shoulder as he releases a stuttered breath.
“I’m so sorry, Kady. I’m so goddamn sorry.”
I pull back to look at him as I wipe my tears. “Please stop apologizing to me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He grimaces before dropping his gaze to the ground and when I reach out for him, he takes a step back and I suck in a breath. Never in the seventeen years that I’ve known him has he ever avoided my touch. Not once. Looking up, he meets my eyes again as he pulls open the truck door.
“Let’s go see him.”
We stare at each other for a second before I nod and climb in the truck. It’s time for Noah to have a come to Jesus moment and I have no problem dishing that up for him but it’ll have to wait.
Thomas is our priority right now.
He rounds the back of the truck and climbs behind the wheel before starting the engine and whipping out of the parking space. His knuckles are white as he grips the steering wheel tightly and I sigh. I’m desperate to ask him how he’s feeling but I know it won’t do any good. Getting Noah to open up is going to be like peeling an onion… unless, of course, you use a knife. Something I have no qualms about doing but it can’t happen now.
The drive to Port Allen takes forever and somehow passes by in a flash all at the same time and as we pull into town my stomach churns more violently. My chest feels impossibly tight as my heart thunders and I wonder what we’re going to find when we pull up to the address Streak gave us. Will we find a happy family with two loving parents and a couple brothers and sisters for him to play with? Or will we find the kind of situation that I always feared every time I stepped into a new foster house? Honestly, I don’t know which would be worse. Of course, I don’t want my son to be in pain or scared but knowing that he’s perfectly fine without me in his life when his absence in mine has redefined everything for me hurts more than I can describe.
I’m so incredibly stupid for just taking Oliver at his word when he told me Thomas had died… I didn’t even question it! What the hell is wrong with me? The man abducted me in the middle of the night and held me captive in an apartment for a year but it never even occurred to me that he might be lying about Thomas.
“We’re here,” Noah says, his voice grave as we pull up in front of a beautiful, royal blue two-story house with a large, well manicured lawn. I suck in a breath as my gaze flicks across the property.
“It’s gorgeous.”
Noah reaches across the seat and grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze. “Yeah, it is.”
We watch for a few minutes before a man runs out of the front door with a little girl about four on his heels and our son comes into view right behind her.
“Noah,” I gasp, squeezing his hand again as tears spring to my eyes again. He’s gorgeous, absolutely perfect, and the strangest sensation fills my chest. Almost like my heart is breaking and glowing at the same time - love like I’ve never known filling me. “He looks just like you.”
That’s an understatement.
Our baby boy walks out of the house with the same confident swagger that Noah’s always had and when he laughs, a sob overwhelms me. I clamp my hand over my mouth and Noah glances over at me as he pulls me across the seat into his arms. He presses a kiss to my forehead but his muscles are rigid.
“You did good, babe. He’s perfect.”
I nod, watching our son as he starts playing catch with what I assume is his little sister and their father. My mind races over all the little things that we’ve missed over the years and I suck in a breath through clenched teeth.
Why?
How is it fair that they get to spend every Christmas with our baby boy and watch his handsome little face light up as he opens presents?
Why did they deserve to watch him learn to walk and talk and not us?
Silent tears streak down my face as the injustice of it all burns in my belly and anger like a white hot poker lodges in my chest. I wish I could march out of this truck right now and take my boy but Blaze’s words ring in my mind. His parents, the folks who adopted him, they’re just as much victims in this as we are and it’s not fair of me to imagine violence befalling them. Maybe, in some way, I should be grateful to them.
There’s no telling what would have happened to my boy if he’d been allowed by Oliver to stay with me. He let his guard down a little immediately following Thomas’s “death” because of how broken I was and it’s what allowed Bobby to break me out so easily. If he’d been there, though, I don’t think that would have happened. At least this way, I know he’s been well cared for and loved all of these years.
I just wish that made it easier to deal with it.
“We need to go,” Noah whispers and I glance at him, shaking my head.
“No.”
He scowls. “I know, baby, but we’re going to attract attention if we sit out here much longer.”
Glancing back up at the house, I stare at my Thomas, trying desperately to imprint every little feature of his handsome face to my memory so I’ll never forget it as Noah starts the truck. My whole body tenses like I might try to physically stop Noah from driving away from my baby and he sighs, squeezing me into his side.
“I know, baby,” he whispers, running his hand over my hair. “This isn’t the end, okay?”
I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Okay.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kady
The sun sinks behind the tree line as we pull into the driveway and I wipe the tears from my cheeks as Noah shuts off the truck. We both make no move to get out, just sitting in silence with a riot of emotions filling the cab. All the way back from Port Allen, I couldn’t stop the tears or loud sobs that accompanied them as it felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest with a pick axe. One look at our baby boy and I never wanted to leave him. More than anything, I wish we could have spoken to him. I have so many questions about who he is, what he likes, and what he doesn’t. I can’t help but wonder if he would have the same coc
ky attitude that Noah always had or if he’d be more soft spoken. From the little we saw of him, he is a carbon copy of Noah but I’m so curious what traits he got from me. Or maybe he’s nothing like either one of us. Maybe he’s like his adoptive parents since they’re the ones who raised him. There is so much that I want to talk about but as I glance over at Noah, he sighs and climbs out of the truck without a word. I watch him stomp up to the cabin, abandoning me in the truck, and heat flushes through my body as I clench my teeth and shove my door open.
Oh, I’m so over this shit.
As I stare up at the front door, my first instinct is to march in there guns blazing and have it out with him but something makes me stop. That’s what I would normally do but Noah and I have never had a fight like this… Hell, I don’t even think you could call it a fight since technically we’ve barely spoken to each other in days. The rift between us is constantly expanding and I know this can’t go on any longer. I feel so far away from him and my heart is breaking but I’m completely lost in this. Before he was locked up, our relationship was so easy. We were just two kids who were madly in love and we never dealt with anything as emotionally charged as this situation we’re in now. Back then, we had no idea the kind of anguish and torment we would experience and now that we’re facing it head on, I have no idea how to move forward with him.
But I want to.
Noah has been my rock, especially since he’s been back. He was steady in his feelings for me and our love even when I wasn’t and if he can’t or won’t stand up and fight for us now, that’s okay. He’s carried the torch for seven long years when I’d given up on any hope for a future with him so it’s high time I take over. And I’ll fight hard enough for the both of us.
Sucking in a breath, I nod and walk up onto the front porch and open the screen door before stepping into the cabin. Jack looks up from his bed and flashes me a sweet puppy smile as his tail thumps against the floor. I shut the door behind me as I turn to Noah. He’s parked in the chair next to the fireplace, staring into the small flames that are just beginning to dance around the logs and the pain on his face breaks my heart. My man is so strong and so fierce in his everyday life but right now, he looks broken.
“We should talk,” I whisper, sitting down on the couch across from him. He turns his head a fraction of an inch, flicking his gaze over to me before he shakes his head and turns back to the fire.
“Not now.”
I nod firmly. “Yes, now.”
“I don’t feel like it, Kady,” he spits, turning to glare at me and I suck in a breath. God, I can’t stand this anymore. My chest aches with the pain of the last few days - from finding out our son was alive, to seeing him for the first time with his new family, and the cloud of silence and tension that’s been swallowing the two of us up whole.
“Tough shit.”
His eyes widen before narrowing into slits. “Tough shit? What are you going to do if I refuse? Make me?”
“Noah,” I breathe, tears stinging my eyes. “I want to work this out. I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”
“Who’s fighting, babe?”
“We are!” I scream, jumping up from the couch, motioning between the two of us as he scoffs. “We’ve never been like this before, Noah, and I’m scared that if we don’t work this out now and put it behind us, it’s going to end us.”
He rolls his eyes as he stands and turns to the kitchen. “We’ll be fine.”
“No, we won’t! And I refuse to just sit here and watch us fall apart. Either you come back here and we work this out now or you can leave. We’ve always loved to argue, Noah, but we’ve never felt this far apart. I’ve never felt so much distance between us.”
“So now you’re giving me ultimatums?” he asks, spinning back to me and I shake my head.
“No, I just want to fix this. I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.”
He arches a brow as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Not even when you ignored me for seven years?”
“Don’t,” I snap, pointing a finger at him. “You know why I couldn’t come see you.”
He crosses the room until he’s inches from me, pain clouding his green eyes. “Just say it, Kady,” he spits. “Say you blame me for being kidnapped, raped, and for losing our son.” He grabs my face in his hands. “Open your mouth and say what we both already know.”
“No,” I hiss, ripping my face from his grip. “I won’t say it because I don’t blame you.”
“Liar.”
I shriek and grab his t-shirt in my fists, shaking him. “Will you just listen to me? I don’t blame you!”
“I don’t believe you,” he growls, wrapping his fingers around my wrist and prying them off his shirt. “We both know if you would have never met me, this would have never happened to you.”
“We don’t know that. Oliver had his eye on me before you ever came along. Or did you forget that part?”
“Whatever,” he snaps, releasing me and turning back to the kitchen.
“Don’t walk away from me, Noah.”
He pauses for a moment before he continues into the kitchen and grabs a beer out of the fridge. As he opens it and takes a drink, he turns back to me.
“I was really angry for a really long time,” I tell him, hoping I can find a way to break through this stony exterior he’s adopted. “But maybe I blamed you for not listening to me when I asked you to leave the club but I never, not once, blamed you for anything Oliver did to me.”
“Stop lying.”
“I’m not!”
He scoffs and turns away from me, shaking his head.
“I don’t blame you, Noah,” I say again, hoping if he hears them enough times, maybe he’ll finally start to believe the words. He whirls back around, his eyes blazing, and slams the can of beer on the counter.
“Why not?! You have every right to blame me! Every single fucking decision I’ve made since the moment I met you led to all the horrible shit you went through! It’s all my goddamn fault!” he yells, his voice on the brink of breaking and my chest aches as tears sting my eyes. I take a step toward him and he takes another one back. I barely hold back a sob.
“So, what do you want to do? How can we fix this because you bulldozed your way back into my life and now I’m not willing to let you go.”
He shakes his head. “I should just leave. Maybe if I run far away from here, far away from you, you’ll finally be able to be happy one day.”
“That’s what you want?” I spit, pain pulsing through me at the thought of him leaving me. How can he really think this is any kind of solution? He sighs and meets my eyes as he nods.
“Yeah, that’s what I want.”
I stumble back, almost as if he hit me but it’s just the force of his words knocking me off balance and my chest tightens as I struggle to suck in a breath.
“You want to leave me?”
He nods. “I do. We’re obviously not good for each other and this was inevitable.”
“Inevitable?” I breathe, my mind racing to reconcile the man in front of me with the man I fell in love with so many years ago. Right before my eyes, he’s changed if he really thinks that he and I are no good for each other. Noah, my Noah, would never let anything get in between us. Anger bleeds into the pain of his words, each one fueling the other until it feels like I might implode and I look up at him, my hands shaking.
“Leave, then.”
He blinks. “What?”
“I said leave!” I scream, tears streaming down my face as I point to the front door. Our eyes lock and time stands still and I hold my breath as I wait for his next move. Our respective pain and anger at this fucked up situation only seems to grow as we stare at each other, intertwining and becoming its own beast, ferocious and out for vengeance. My heart thunders in my chest.
“Fine,” he growls, marching through the kitchen and pushing me aside as he makes his way to the front door. My eyes widen as I take a step back.
He’s really doin
g this?
You know what, I’m done with this shit.
Why would I even want him if he’s willing to give up so damn easily? If he’s just going to walk away from me?
“Fine!” I scream after him, anger fueling my words as my face flushes. When he reaches the front door, he throws it open so hard that it smashes into the wall and cracks the drywall as he kicks open the screen door and stomps outside to his truck. Panting, I charge toward the door and slam my fist into it. “Don’t you come back here, Noah LeBlanc! If you walk away from me now, it’s the last goddamn time!”
He stops in the middle of the driveway but doesn’t turn back to the house and my heart sinks like a stone. Even through our screaming, I hold onto hope that he will change his mind, that his love for me will rise above all the pain and anger he’s feeling right now but I guess not. My throat burns from all the screaming and I turn away from the door, unable to watch him drive away. A sob barrels through me and my knees buckle as I reach for the back of the chair and grasp it like it’s a life raft and right now, it kind of is. My stomach churns as I suck in a stuttered breath and try to stop the tears as I turn and press my back up against the wall next to me. My eyes close and I let the pain my anger had been keeping at bay envelope me completely, robbing the air from my lungs and stalling my heart as it becomes a part of me, embedding the loss of Noah into my very DNA.
The screen door creaks and I open my eyes, gasping as Noah charges through the living room on a straight path to me, his eyes wild. We crash together and his hands cup my face as he pulls my lips to his, kissing me like he can’t breathe without me and I cling to him, my mind racing and my heart thumping.
“Can’t fucking walk away from you,” he growls into my kiss. “Not even if it’s what is best for you and if that makes me a bastard, so be it.”
A sob bubbles out of me as I grab at his shirt. “Noah.”
