The Other Side of Envy

by C. L. Stone

  I had to wait the entire class period. Just before the bell rang, Ms. Johnson gave us a few minutes to pack up. Kota finally turned, making it okay to talk.

  “Where’s Gabriel?” I asked in a rush, a little more high-strung sounding than I’d intended.

  His eyebrows shifted on his head. “He’s walking around the school. He has Silas following him. They’re just seeing if anyone will follow your cell phone signal, especially being out of class like that.”

  My heart lifted, relieved Gabriel might not be upset after all.

  I took out Gabriel’s cell phone just as the bell rang. I followed Luke out. Kota moved on to his next class, but Luke stayed behind so North could catch up and walk me to class.

  I had a minute to send a text to Gabriel. His phone was set up differently and I lost a few seconds looking for his text messaging.

  There was a message open in his text message window. I didn’t want to invade his privacy, so I quickly moved it over so I could start a new message.

  I couldn’t help noticing it was to a number he hadn’t plugged the name of into yet.

  And the message contained a lot of “she” throughout.

  I wanted to read it, but I didn’t have time, so I typed a message to Gabriel quickly.

  Sang: I’m sorry about the cell phone mix up. Kota wanted my phone, and he doesn’t know about Lily and I’d started texting to her.

  Sang: I wasn’t sure if he’d understand. I didn’t know it meant you and I couldn’t stick by each other. Thanks for taking it.

  Sang: I knew I could trust you. What were you drawing this morning?

  I was going to keep it like that, but a sudden compulsion drove me to do something more. He needed to know I cared. That my smiles for Victor didn’t diminish how I felt about him.

  Sang: I miss you.

  I stood still, but my insides shook as I sent the message. I blinked back the emotion touching my eyes and swallowed.

  “What are you doing?” Luke asked. He’d been quietly watching the other students walking by, staying arm to arm with me.

  I stowed the cellphone in my pocket, holding onto it so I could feel any vibration for a message coming in. “Saying hello to Gabriel.” I looked at him, at his warm brown eyes and that pleasant smile. “Did he seem upset to you this morning?”

  “He was drawing,” he said. He scratched his temple. He still had a couple of loops in his hair. “That usually means he’s thinking. Used to mean he was thinking about his dead mom when he got really focused like that.”

  “So he was upset?” I asked, worried now that maybe my message might aggravate him more than soothe.

  He shrugged. “He just gets into moods sometimes. His drawing...it’s like your journal. Sometimes you write in it on how you feel, just to get it out there.”

  “Do you think it’s about Lily? About what they said?”

  He sighed, turned to me. Being so close, he was brushing his hand against mine, unable to hold onto it just in case other students were paying attention. It was difficult being so close and yet unable to do something we’d gotten used to. “To be honest, I’m not sure about what they said.”

  My eyes widened.

  “It’s not me,” he said. He put his hand over his heart. “I swear. I told you. I want to keep you.”

  I smiled at that. “But?”

  “I mean, if Gabriel’s reacting this way, how do you think Kota will take it? Or Nathan?” His eyes lowered and then his attention drifted. He watched students walking by. “It’s not exactly what I pictured, either.”

  I didn’t know what I was imagining before, but it wasn’t like how Lily had described it. Now, after talking with Lily about the life she had, I realized I’d been living in a fog before. I hadn’t thought of the future. I’d only desired to feel included in the group. Now I realized the price of actually making that happen.

  I tried to picture couple teams. What if I paired up with...who? Luke? Could I choose one? And then what? The others would continue on their team. Two different teams. Maybe we’d work together? What about when they found girlfriends?

  To test myself, I tried to picture Kota with another girl, taking her out to something like a football game.

  I couldn’t do it. The thought of it burned through me. I couldn’t bring myself to continue.

  That had to be how the others felt, or I assumed. The strange part was, I’d been holding hands with one of them, while the other stood nearby and observed. They hugged me openly in front of the others. Why did it burn me to think of them doing something similar with another girl? Selfishness? Yes. Probably.

  I wanted to ask Luke how he was okay with it, but then North arrived. Luke waved and took off ahead of us, leaving North and I to walk to class.

  I was quiet, absorbed in my own thoughts as we moved.

  “What’s wrong?” North asked once we got to the stairwell.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “Is it the car for Gabriel’s birthday?” he asked. “Or are you just tired from being up all night?”

  “I...I haven’t had a chance to ask him...” I looked up at North. Maybe I should work on Gabriel’s birthday present; if he was surprised by a nice gift, maybe it would pull him out of his quiet mood. “Do you think if I can find out before the end of the school day, that you and I can at least go look for one he likes?”

  “I don’t know if he wants us to buy it for him,” he said. He wore a dark shirt under his faux school jacket, along with the gray pants. It suited him, of course, but it wasn’t exactly going with the traditional look Gabriel had designed to play the part of prep school students. “He may want to buy it himself.”

  “What if someone else buys it ahead of time?” I asked.

  His lips dipped down. “It’d be a lesson on life. You can try hard your best, for example, to buy a car you want, but it may not be around later. Sometimes you end up looking at alternatives. You get the next best thing.”

  Still, it’d be a shame if Gabriel had some idea about a car he wanted, and for one reason or another, couldn’t buy it. His first car should be the one he really wants. “What if...what if we...or someone in the Academy bought it?” I asked. “Could they hang onto it until Gabriel gets the money together?”

  North focused on the path in front of us. “He can’t know, though. If you can find out, we can at least make sure we get it. It won’t be much of a birthday gift, though. We’ll have to think of something else, too.”

  I touched my brow briefly, considering how much we had to do, and that we were standing outside of geometry class. Class was in the way.

  North reached out, capturing my chin between his fingers, drawing my attention to him. “That’s not all you’re thinking about.”

  I shook my head, moving against his fingers. I needed to know what he knew about Lily and how he felt. But I couldn’t talk about it here. I didn’t want him dragging me off to somewhere else, either, when it wasn’t a true emergency. “Will you be the one taking me after school?”

  “Probably,” he said. “But I can make sure I am, if you need me to.”

  I nodded slowly. “Yes,” I said, “if it isn’t too much trouble.” I wasn’t sure who else might join us, but I hoped I’d get a chance to talk with him alone.

  His dark eyes questioned me, silently demanding I tell him if something was wrong. I didn’t say anything and eventually, slowly, he released me and tugged my arm to pull me into class. “I hate school,” he said.

  Ditto.

  During class, the teacher lectured. I drew lines in my notebook, unable to focus.

  The cell phone burned in my pocket. My senses were aware, and occasionally feeling phantom vibrations. Wishful thinking, maybe.

  Suddenly, it vibrated and I nearly jumped in my chair. Was it Gabriel?

  I used North’s broad body as my cover. I tucked Gabriel’s phone between my textbook and my notebook and turned it on.

  There was a message, but it wasn’t from Gabriel. I didn’t want to pr
y, but just in case it was an emergency of some sort, I checked it out.

  It was from the unnamed number. I didn’t want to read, but I did anyway. I couldn’t help it.

  Unknown: Don’t give up. I know you feel down now. Give yourself a break. Call me when you aren’t busy.

  Time stopped. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I read the message again. I checked in with the teacher, making sure I wasn’t noticed. A few other students fiddled quietly with cell phones, so at least I wasn’t the only one.

  Compelled to find out more, I scrolled back on the messages, reading a few that had been sent to that same unknown number.

  Gabriel: This isn’t going to work. She could have anyone she wanted. The Academy won’t approve. The others won’t understand.

  Gabriel: I like the plan. Don’t get me wrong. It’s really my only chance with her. There’s no way she’d go with me instead of the others. It’s the only way she’d stay with me. But only if she’d agree to it.

  Gabriel: It’s impossible.

  Gabriel: I hate this.

  My face tightened and I fought tears. My jaw clenched. I definitely couldn’t focus now. There was no way I could do schoolwork today. I needed to talk to Gabriel. I imagined whoever the number belonged to was one of Lily’s guys who had swapped numbers, just like Lily had with me.

  I checked the time on the messages. It was early this morning, after he’d left Victor’s house alone but before school started. He was feeling down then. He’d been waiting for a response, too.

  I put the cell phone away. Gabriel hadn’t responded to me yet. I tried to tell myself there was a logical reason, that he was busy. My heart told me he was ignoring me. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, swallowing more and staring off, not caring about geometry and school.

  I hate this.

  It killed me to think of him struggling. Gabriel thought it was impossible. He was wrong about how I felt about him.

  Or was he?

  It wasn’t like I was able to choose between them. It was selfish, somehow.

  But the reality was, I could dream about Lily’s situation for myself, but the others may never go along with that plan. They may never be okay with it. At some point, I might have to make a choice, and pick one. Or I might need to leave them to save their family from splitting up.

  I hunched down in my seat, dreading that day.

  THE IMPOSSIBLE PLAN

  When class was over, I walked beside Nathan to the next class.

  “I have to take you to the music room,” Nathan said.

  I stopped mid-step, surprised, and then slowly began walking again. When Mr. Blackbourne had said ‘tomorrow’, I didn’t realize he meant during our class.

  I followed Nathan down the hallway, terrified.

  “It’s been weird not having you at the house,” Nathan said. “And now you’ll be staying at a hotel.”

  “I think staying at the hotel will be weird,” I said, mostly repeating him. I didn’t mean to be dour, but my thoughts weren’t on the hotel. I might have been excited about a stay at a hotel, but if Gabriel was upset, I wasn’t happy. Now I had to face Mr. Blackbourne and have a discussion I wasn’t sure I’d get through.

  “It’s only for tonight,” Nathan said. We got to Music Room B’s door, the small hallway giving us some cover. He moved in, his face low and near mine. “It’s hard to sleep without you around.”

  I smiled a little. For him.

  It didn’t seem right that Nathan was in the dark; I needed him as much as I needed Gabriel. It wasn’t right to be down around him.

  I summoned up as bright a smile as I could, and then as a bonus, I leaned in for a quick kiss.

  His eyes went wide and he looked around, but then he grinned at me. “You shouldn’t do that in school,” he teased.

  “I did miss you,” I said. “I didn’t sleep much last night, either.”

  “I heard,” he said. He caught my hand, brought it to his lips and then gently bit the knuckle. “Be good, Peanut,” he said before he walked off toward class.

  If only I could get Gabriel to smile and tease like that again.

  I took in a good, long breath, holding it as I walked into Music Room B. I drew in strength, ready for whatever Mr. Blackbourne might have in mind.

  Mr. Blackbourne was alone in the room, sitting at the piano. Music played, but his shoulders were still from what I could see.

  Only when I moved closer, did I catch his eyes darting around the keys. He didn’t sway like Victor did when he played piano. His face was relaxed. He was still.

  The song was fast-paced, with a strong crescendo.

  I held my position, not daring to move and interrupt his song. I recognized it from classical music collections I used to download on the Internet and sorted through my mind what the title was.

  He got to the end, the last notes fading when the bell rang. I said his name, walking deeper into the room to put my book bag down. “Requiem for a Tower?” I asked.

  Mr. Blackbourne stood from the piano, coming around it. He was in his usual gray suit, maroon tie, and looking finely polished. His steel eyes, however, were wary.

  I eased myself from one foot to the other, second-guessing everything I’d done, from finding Lily, to kissing Gabriel, to what I was wearing today.

  I’d told Mr. Blackbourne I’d met Lily. I studied him cautiously now, looking for evidence of disappointment.

  The song, the requiem, had charged me up a bit. The tune played in my head, but the violin version I was more familiar with. It made me think he was preparing for a fight.

  He approached quietly. He pulled a seat around, and gestured to it. He wanted me to sit.

  I placed my book bag quietly on another chair and sat on the one he’d pointed to. My heart thundered, filling my ears, rattling through my bones.

  My lips pursed. I waited.

  Mr. Blackbourne took a seat across from me. He peered at me through the black-rimmed glasses, studying me quietly.

  Moments passed. The longer I was quiet, the harder it was for me to start talking. Was he mad? I feared if I said anything at all, he’d yell. Not that he usually did, but sometimes he voice got so sharp, he might as well yell.

  Or worse, admit that I’d disappointed him.

  Mr. Blackbourne breathed slowly, his eyes remaining on me, unrelenting. Finally, he spoke. “I know you have a lot on your mind,” he said.

  A challenge. No...I was wrong. He wasn’t trying to fight. He was bracing himself for something else. Bad news? That I was upset? He was inviting me to talk about what was most important to me and was maybe worried he wouldn’t like what I had to say.

  I was upset, but not for the same reason we’d discussed when last we spoke.

  I straightened in my seat. “I spoke to Lily yesterday afternoon. Gabriel and Luke took me to see her, and her team.” I paused there, waiting out his reaction. He knew this part but I wanted to know his feelings on it.

  His steel eyes flashed. His lips parted for a moment, though he stayed quiet. He was considering a response.

  “You’ve spoken to her before?” I asked, although it was more a statement than a question.

  He nodded slightly, warily. “What did you learn there?” he asked.

  “About how her team managed to stay together, despite the Academy testing them and asking them to do something else. She kept her team, her and four other guys. They are still together.”

  Mr. Blackbourne inclined his head. “What are your thoughts on this?”

  I sucked in a breath and my lip trembled. I couldn’t stop it. I’d bottled up so much around the others, and had had to suffer through class.

  Lily had said to talk to him. I needed to confide in someone. Someone who was level-headed and could tell me if what I was doing was the right thing.

  Before I could answer his question, Mr. Blackbourne leaned in. He placed one gentle finger on my chin, directing my attention to him.

  It was a small touch, meant only to make me fo
cus.

  It warmed me, soothing my whirlwind of thoughts.

  Mr. Blackbourne wasn’t against me. He was with me. Right now, he needed to know where I stood.

  “While I was there,” I said, “I wanted to try things her way. I...I liked it. The thought. I’m not sure if I should...” I didn’t know how to express it. “It’s not normal. The Academy doesn’t like it.”

  “The Academy wants us to be happy,” he said quietly.

  “We’re not all happy,” I said.

  His eyes flared. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice sharp, cutting through me, making me startle.

  “It’s too difficult,” I said. I moved my face away from his finger, needing a release. I blinked back my nervous tears and swallowed the thickness developing in my throat before it waivered my voice. “Luke’s unsure. Gabriel’s upset right now. He might have been okay with me joining the Academy, but I don’t know. He seemed okay with Lily’s way of doing it yesterday, but then last night he was upset with Victor.”

  “What did Victor do?” he asked.

  “Nothing!” I said, and then pulled back, immediately sorry for speaking so loud. “When he picked us up, he was just being nice, talking about going to the spa. Gabriel said he spent too much money on me. When he was asked to go out and let McCoy chase him around, he left angry. This morning he was really quiet. I can’t tell if he’s still angry.” I dropped my head, my hands moving toward my face to cover it. “We shouldn’t have gone. It would have been better if we’d never gone. It’s too hard.”

  Silence filled the room. I rubbed my forehead and temples with my fingers, pain radiating from my heart. I was sure this was the reason the Academy would ask us to separate. It was inevitable. The flicker of a headache pulsed in my head. I thought of claiming I was sick, so I could have a day in bed. Maybe I should have taken Silas up on his offer to grab cots in the nurse’s office.

  My thoughts were out of control. Unanswered questions spiraled around.