The Gunfighter

by Robert J Conley

  Bonnie give me a look at that. “Is Mister Sly… drunk?” she said.

  “You’re a-looking at him,” I said.

  “St. Louis,” Sly said, “Kansas City, Omaha, Chicago, New York, London, Paris.”

  “It did make a hell of a story,” I said. Just then ole Sly stood up straight, but when he done that, he knocked into the table, and my Merwin and Hulbert Company revolver went a-sliding off and hit the floor, and being cocked the way I left it, why, it just natural discharged. Bonnie screamed, and Sly fell over backwards. Guns come out all over the room, with their owners a-looking for something to shoot back at, but of course, there wasn’t nothing. To emphasize that plain and simple fact, drunk as I was, I reached down for that fallen revolver and picked it up by the barrel and held it up high so ever’one could see me.

  “Ever’thing’s all right,” I hollered. I tucked the Merwin and Hulbert back into the holster, where it belonged in the first place. “Just a little accident over here is all.”

  The guns was put away then, and there was even some chuckling around the room. Sly come a-crawling up from offa the floor where he had fell to. He stood up and straightened hisself as best he could. Then, still trying to be dignified, he said, “I believe it’s early enough in the day that I can still sleep this one off in time. I’m going to my room.”

  He touched the brim of his hat in that there grand gentleman gesture of his, turned, and staggered on toward the stairs. I watched him make it about halfway to the top, and then I quit watching. I pulled ole Bonnie on over closer to me.

  “Do you for real not want to kill me no more?” I asked her.

  “Baijack,” she protested. “I never did.”

  “All right, sweet,” I said. “All right. I believe you. Let’s you and me take our bottles and glasses and go on back upstairs, then. What do you say to that little idee?” She wriggled herself all against me and slobbered on the side of my head.

  “That’s a wonderful idea,” she said. “Let’s go.”

  “Only thing is,” I said, as I sort of lurched upright, “you got to kinda keep me on my feet till we get our asses up there.”

  “I can do that for my sweet cakes,” she said.

  “And then once we get there — “

  We staggered on a few steps together.

  “What?” she said. “What else?”

  “You got to watch out for my poor ole nose what you broke only just this morning,” I said. “You can’t go bumping into it nor nothing like that, ‘cause it’s still awful tender to the touch.”

  “I’ll be real careful of your tender nose, sweet cakes,” Bonnie said, “but you got some other tender places that I mean to attack real hard.”

  Chapter Nine

  I don’t know what the hell time it was. We had slept some, and we had fooled around some, kinda back and forth, you know, and when I was awake, I drunk me some more whiskey. It was dark night, though, so I reckon we had been at it most of the day. That’s the best I can do about the time. Someone commenced to banging on the door and a-calling my name. Ole Bonnie set up faster than what I did, and she hollered out, “Who’s that?”

  “It’s Aubrey, Miss Bonnie,” come the answer. “I need Baijack.”

  “What the hell do you need in the middle of the goddamn night?” I said.

  “There’s a mob, Baijack,” Aubrey said. “They’re fixing to hang Mister Sly.”

  I got my nekkid ass up outa the bed and banged the big toe of my left foot against something there in the dark. I was hopping around on one foot and a-cussing. “Damn it, Bonnie,” I said, “get a damn light on.” She found a match and struck it and lit the lamp on the table. “Go get Happy,” I yelled.

  “They done knocked Happy out,” Aubrey said. “He’s laying in the floor downstairs.”

  “Damn it,” I said. I was pulling on my britches, and Bonnie throwed a robe on and tied it around her waist. She brung me my boots, and I pulled them on. Then I pulled on my shirt and grabbed my gunbelt and strapped it on. I headed out the door half-dressed like that. I damn near run into ole Aubrey when I went out the door. “Come on, Aubrey,” I said.

  “Baijack,” said Bonnie. “Be careful.”

  “What do you want with me?” Aubrey said, kinda whining.

  I was already headed down the stairs. “Just come on,” I said, and he did. We got down into the main room of the Hooch House, and I told him, “Get that shotgun out from behind the bar and come with me.”

  “I ain’t no deputy,” he said.

  “You are if I say so,” I told him. “Get the shotgun or I’ll shoot you dead right now.”

  While he was a-getting the shotgun, I seen right where ole Happy was laid out, and I went over to check on him. He was out cold all right, and there was blood caked on the back of his head. Someone had belted him a good one across his noggin. I was glad he had such a thick skull, but I could see right off that he weren’t going to be no help. “Come on, Aubrey,” I said. “Where’d they go?”

  I started on out the door, and Aubrey come after me a-toting that scattergun. He weren’t none too happy about it, though.

  “They clobbered Happy,” he said, “and they grabbed ole Sly from behind. I guess they knowed that he was too drunk to really defend himself, and they figured you was out for the night too. They dragged Sly out the front door and headed north down the street.”

  I headed north, and Aubrey come right along with me. I reckon he was more skeered of me than he was of that mob.

  “How many of them?” I said.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “A dozen at least.”

  I figgered I knowed where they went, all right. There was a big old elum tree just outside of town on the north end. If they was a hanging mob, that’s where they’d be going. Me and Aubrey hurried along on foot, ‘cause I figgered that we could get there faster thataway than taking time to saddle up a couple of horses. I was huffing and puffing by the time we got to where we could see some fire up ahead and could hear some angry voices. “Come on,” I said.

  They was up there, all right, and they was so intent on their dirty business and making so much noise that they never knowed we was coming up on them. The fire we had saw was coming from torches that some of them was carrying to light their wicked way. They had ole Sly mounted up on a ole gray horse with his hands tied behind his back. I seen Marty Bodene on a horse, too. He rode up under the old elum and tossed a rope up over a big branch. He already had a hanging noose tied in one end.

  Whenever that noose come down, ole Marty took the other end of the rope and wrapped it around the trunk of the tree several times. Then he rode up beside poor ole Sly, and he was fixing to fit that noose over Sly’s head. Me and Aubrey was pretty close by then. I hauled out my Merwin and Hulbert Company revolver and fired off a shot into the night sky. Ever’one shut up and turned. “All right, goddamn it,” I yelled, “ever’one of you bastards turn around and go home right now before I get mad.”

  “You can’t stop us, Baijack,” ole Marty said. “They’s too many of us for you.”

  “I can kill you dead with one shot, Marty,” I said, “and by God, I will too, if you don’t drop that noose right now.”

  “You do that, Barjack,” Marty said, “and you’ll go straight to hell with me. Ten men will put bullets in you.”

  “Not if ole Aubrey here cuts loose with his scattergun first,” I said. “Aubrey, whenever I kill ole Marty, you pull your triggers. You hear me? You don’t even need to aim at no one. Just point that greener general into the crowd.”

  Aubrey never said nothing, and that was likely for the best, ‘cause if he had tried to talk, they’d have heard how skeered he was in his quivering voice.

  “Don’t let him bluff you, boys,” Marty said. “Hell, we’re all citizens here. Baijack knows us. He ain’t going to kill us to save no professional killing man.”

  “What you’re fixing to do here is a murder,” I said, “and I’ll damn sure kill you to keep you from doing a murder.
Now, you drop that damn noose like I told you to do.”

  Ole Marty was part right. He knowed he had me at least in a standoff. As long as he weren’t making no move toward Sly, I weren’t about to just shoot him off his horse for setting there holding a rope. And I didn’t have no way of knowing what ole Aubrey would do if it really come to shooting. Likely, he’d just toss that shotgun to one side, fall down flat and cover up his head, and wait for the shooting to stop. If it was to come to that, I figgered I’d be deader’n hell in just a few minutes. I had to bluff them out. That’s all there was to it. I started walking toward ole Marty.

  “Stay back, Barjack,” he said.

  “You going to go for your gun, Marty?” I asked him. “‘Cause I already got you covered. I’ll kill you before you get the damn thing out, and you’ll be dead before you hit the ground.”

  “Spread out, boys,” Marty said.

  Now, that was the smartest thing he coulda said, and some of the rest of that mob started in to doing just that. I stopped moving in on him then, ‘cause if I was to move in any closer, I wouldn’t be able to keep a eye on them that was spreading to both sides. I shifted my eyeballs from one side to the other, watching to see if anyone was pulling a gun.

  “Keep moving, boys,” Marty said. “We’ll have them surrounded in a minute.”

  “Stand still, damn it,” I said.

  “Who’s in control here now, Baijack?” Marty said.

  “I know ever’ one of you bastards,” I said. “Are you planning on killing me here tonight too?’Cause you better be if you go on with this. If you do this thing tonight and leave me alive, I’ll get ever’ damn one of you later. I mean that.”

  “We’ll worry about that later,” Marty said.

  By then I had lost sight of the men farthest out on the flanks. They had me surrounded, and that’s for sure. Well, I tell you, I didn’t know what the hell to do then. I could go on ahead and kill ole Marty, for all the good it woulda did. Them others woulda just gone on ahead and shot me down from all sides, and ole Aubrey, hell, he wouldn’t do nothing, like I said before. Then with me dead, they’d go on ahead and hang ole Sly, and I’d be dead for nothing. This thing weren’t working out at all the way I had meant for it to. I had thought that I’d just buffalo all of them ole boys and that would be that, but it didn’t turn out like that at all.

  Just then two men come up behind me and one of them grabbed me on each side by a arm. I fired a shot, but it went harmless into the ground, and then someone come up and wrenched my Merwin and Hulbert outa my hand. I was twisting and jerking and kicking and cussing till a third one come up behind me and reached a arm around my throat and commenced to choking me. I was too busy fighting to know what ole Aubrey was a-doing, but the one thing I did know was that he never fired off no shotgun. I shoulda knowed not to trust Aubrey to back me up.

  “Just hold on to him, boys,” Marty said, “till we get this one here strung up.”

  I roared and growled, and I could feel my face puffing up and turning red. I knowed I couldn’t fight them much longer. And busy as I was, I could see that son of a bitch

  Marty slip that noose down around ole Sly’s neck. I can tell you right now for sure and certain, I been in some bad scrapes, but I don’t recollect ever being so damn skeered in my whole life. I weren’t skeered that they would really kill me, although I guess that there was a distinct and real possibility, but what I was really a-skeered of was that they was going to hang ole Sly right then and there and right in front of me with me helpless as a babe.

  Well, somehow I managed to slip my chin down under the arm what was choking my neck, and I got my mouth open wide and took me a hell of a bite outa that fella’s arm. He screamed like hell and turned loose of me, and I guess that startled them others just enough that I was able to make a move on them then, and I swung both of my arms forward in such a way that I knocked them two bastards together. That jarred them loose from my arms, and then I grabbed their two heads and bashed them together real good and proper.

  I went running for Aubrey’s shotgun then, ‘cause there weren’t no way I could find my own Merwin and Hulbert in time to do no good. I jerked the gun outa Aubrey’s hands, but someone whacked me across of the back of my head, and I went down to my knees a-seeing stars. I weren’t out, though, and I seen Marty give that ole gray horse a slap on the ass, and it run forward and right out from under Sly. Sly went to swinging. Then I heard a rifle shot from my right, and I seen ole Marty fall outa his saddle. A shotgun went off somewhere off to my left, and a rider come into the middle of things lickety-split and rode right up to ole Sly and grabbed on to him.

  “The next one to move is a dead son of a bitch,” I heard someone say. And I’ll be goddamned if it weren’t ole Bonnie’s voice. I tried to shake my head clear, and then I seen that Sly was setting on a horse with Lillian, and she was a-loosening that damn noose so she could slip it offa his head. I got up to my feet and kinda staggered over to where ole Marty was a-lying. I nudged at him with my toe. He was dead. The next voice I heard belonged to ole Happy Bonapart hisself.

  “All of you drop your guns right now,” he said. “Any wrong moves and you’re dead.”

  Well, all the mobsters shucked their irons, all right. Hell, they didn’t know how many they was up against nor where all they was at out there in the dark. Whenever they was all stripped of their weapons, Happy made them move in and bunch up together. Then he come in and stood there beside me, and Bonnie come in from the other side. She was a-carrying a Marlin. It had been Bonnie what had kilt ole Marty. Goddamn, I was proud of her.

  “What now, Marshal?” Happy said.

  “You done a pretty damn good job up till now,” I said. “What do you say?”

  “Well,” Happy said, “I guess I’d say take them all in and lock them up.”

  “Let’s do that, Depitty,” I said.

  Happy and Bonnie started in to marching the mob, minus ole Marty of course, toward the jailhouse, and I walked over to where Lillian and Sly was still a-setting on her horse. I looked up at ole Sly.

  “You all right?” I asked him.

  “I think so,” he said. “Thanks to all of you.”

  “Lillian,” I said, “you’d oughter take him to see ole Doc anyhow, just to be sure.”

  “I will,” she said.

  They rid on off, and I nosed around till I found my Merwin and Hulbert. Then I turned to foller Happy and Bonnie a marching the mob off to jail. I caught up with Bonnie and walked along beside her. “You all sure come in the nick of time,” I said.

  “We come as fast as ever we could, sweetness,” Bonnie said. “Fast as you went out the door, I got a wet rag and mopped ole Happy’s face till he come to. I told him what happened, and we headed out after you when we seen Lillian come outa the White Owl closing up for the night. I told her what was going on, and she grabbed that horse that was there at a hitching rail. Don’t know who owns it. Anyhow, when we got close enough to see what was happening, me and Happy started in to shooting, and Lillian rode in fast to save Mister Sly from hanging.”

  “All three of you done good,” I said.

  “You done all right yourself, Baijack,” she said.

  “Hell,” I said, “they had me whipped.”

  “You didn’t have no help,” she said, “and you held them off all by your lonesome long enough for us to get there.”

  Well, by God, I guessed she was right at that. I felt pretty good then. I felt good about my own self and about my depitty and about my sweet thing and even about my nagging bitch of a wife. I guessed I knowed who I could trust in a pinch. Ole Aubrey was dragging his chicken ass along behind us real slow and dejected-like. He had picked up that shotgun again after I had let it drop when the danger was over. I slowed down a little and waited for him. I took the gun away from him.

  “Go on back to the Hooch House, Aubrey,” I said. “Hell, someone might be in there a-drinking up all my whiskey without paying for it.”

  He turne
d toward the Hooch House, and I kept on a-follering the others to the jailhouse. I thought about chewing Aubrey’s ass out, but then I decided that it wouldn’t do no good to tell a chicken what a chicken he was, so I just let it go. He was a good bartender. When I got to the jailhouse right behind ole Bonnie, Happy already had the whole entire hanging mob in the two jail cells what we had and had locked the doors on them. Locked in like that, they got bold again, and they commenced to hollering.

  “You can’t lock us up like this. We’re citizens.”

  “Let me outa here.”

  “I got a family to go home to.”

  I just pointed that shotgun at the ceiling over the cells and pulled the trigger. The roar inside the jailhouse was hellacious, and them shotgun pellets went to bouncing all over the place. Them bold hangmen went to hopping and dancing and yelping around, bumping into each other and falling over. I let that go on for a spell, then I said, “You want another one?” They shut up.

  I walked over close to the cell still a-holding that shotgun. “You sons of bitches,” I said, “came damn near to killing a man tonight. Your goddamned shenanigans did get one man killed. I aim to charge each one of you with attempted murder, assaulting a officer the law, conspiracy to commit a killing, being the cause of the killing of ole Marty, and any other damn thing I can think up. So don’t go talking about who and what you are, ‘cause you ain’t nothing to me but a bunch a criminals now, and you sure ain’t going to get no special treatment in my jail. Shut up now and keep quiet.”

  Well, they did. I turned around and found ole Bonnie, and I went over to her and put a arm around her shoulders. She was still a-toting that Marlin. “Sweet,” I said, “let’s you and me get on back over to the Hooch House.”

  “I’ll stay here and keep a eye on this bunch,” Happy said.

  I thought about that a second or two. Happy had been knocked silly earlier in the evening, and then he had come out of it and come on out to my rescue. I didn’t feel like watching no jail full of bastards, and I was sure that he didn’t neither.