Exploring Alaska (The Juneau Packs Book 3)

by Katherine Rhodes

  “He’s supposed to be my mate. He knows everything about me and my horrible past. We said we wouldn’t lie to each other. I feel so utterly betrayed I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.”

  Martin gave a single terse nod. “I understand. I would still love to call you my daughter one day, but I understand.”

  God, I wanted to have a family that gave a shit. To have someone who really earned the title of dad, and who would lift my children up on his shoulder and play horsey like a grandfather should. Someone who didn’t feel the need to make me kneel on rice before the cross, praying for a soul I no longer had. Someone who would be there, be open. Love me for me, not for what I could give them, like status and wealth.

  But Patrick…

  It hadn’t fully sunk in what had happened until a few hours later, and then the next thing I remembered was Brandy shaking me awake. I’d cried and slept for over two days and I needed some food.

  And now I was in a kayak outside Juneau, with whales and fishing boats everywhere. I was pissed all over again, and I needed to work that off.

  “Which way, Jason?” I called.

  “North, along the shoreline for about five minutes to the muddy stream with the bleached tree.”

  I dug my paddle in and started up. There was so much rage in me, I paddled the five minutes in three, and then went another minute farther so I could paddle back.

  Delia scooted her kayak away. “Hulk smash?”

  “Only things that won’t cost me five hundred dollars to replace,” I grumbled. Unlike the new sink in the bathroom I had ripped off the wall in a fit of rage.

  Which was why they were all calling me Hulk now, and why Delia kept shrinking away.

  It actually was funny. I was just still really, really pissed.

  He could have told me. All he had to say was, I have a daughter in Vancouver, and that’s why I have to go every other weekend.

  Did he think I wouldn’t get it? That I would judge him? Christ, I had been a fuck toy for dozen of men in Africa, raped repeatedly, abused, hit, whipped, caned, and finally left to die. Did he think I had no sympathy in my soul? If she was his child, then I would have welcomed her. He was apparently a good father, dedicated to her every other weekend and vacations.

  Fuck, I didn’t even get that from both my parents after I came home with Winter. They wouldn’t even fucking look at me.

  I stopped paddling.

  “Addi?” Zanna paddled over to me. “Hey.”

  Cocking my head, I looked at her. “That’s it, isn’t it? It’s never really been about the abuse. It was never about the sexual slavery or the beatings.”

  Jess and Brandy had paddled closer when they heard the words. I turned and looked at Jess, then shook my head. “It was never about how my body got used. That was never my fault. I was a child and there was nothing I could do except pray for rescue.”

  Jess nodded, quiet but encouraging as Delia joined her.

  “It’s always been about how my parents shamed the fucking hell out of me for what was done to me. They slut shamed me for being kidnapped.”

  Delia’s eyes were wide. “Go on.”

  “They really and truly believed that their little twelve-year-old daughter used her sexuality to attract the kidnappers and the abusers. They still do! They think I’m a whore because I led these men on!”

  Brandy nodded this time. “What else?”

  “They hate me for having come back alive. They hate me for being a survivor and for making them think about things like their daughter’s vulva and her wrecked sexuality! They thought I had come back possessed by the devil.”

  Zanna had her phone out and was handing it to me. “It’s Winter. I just called him.”

  I grabbed the phone, careful not to drop it in the water. “Win?”

  “Addi. I heard the end of it.”

  “They didn’t want you to go after me, did they? They told you to just let me die over there, didn’t they?”

  “They had the balls to call me and beg me not to go and find you,” he said. “After their speech about how I was nothing to them, how I was of the devil, they had the balls to call me and instruct me to let you die as God wanted.”

  “Oh, shit, Winter…”

  “I was already there, Sis. I was already in Sudan looking for you. I had been for days. My CO let me take the whole squad to find you. I kept an eye on Mom and Dad, and when they went to Africa with you, I kept tabs on the mission. I knew as soon as they reported you missing.” He let out a little sardonic laugh. “I didn’t even get the whole sentence out before my CO told me to find you.”

  The tears in my eyes hurt. “You found me two years after I was taken.”

  His answer was deadly and quiet. “I know.”

  “They didn’t report me missing for eighteen months?”

  “Not until they had to refund the ticket to go back to the US.”

  The pain lanced through me, my heart finally breaking into a million pieces, and all the love I had tried to hold onto for my parents tumbled out, and away, down to the water and washed out to sea. I swallowed hard, the hurt tears tumbling out of my eyes. “I was never worth more than a plane ticket to them.”

  “Your girls are with you right now?”

  Sniffling, I nodded as if he could see me. “Yeah.”

  “Good. We’ve been waiting for this, lil sis. It was just time, and you had to realize it. They’re all there for you. I can get there if you need me.”

  I looked around at the expectant faces of my friends and shook my head. “Nah, Winter. We’re good. You can totally visit if you want, but I’m…good.”

  “I’ll be up. But if you need to talk, you know where I am, and you know how to reach me.” There was a smile in his voice. “I love you, Sis. We got this.”

  “I love you too, Bro. Fist bump.”

  He chuckled. “Call me later. When you’re not sitting in the water?”

  “Gotcha.”

  After we said our goodbyes, I handed the phone back to Zanna and wiped the tears off my face.

  “Well. Fuck them. With a splintered broomstick.”

  “Right?” Delia smiled. “I mean, you’re worth at least two plane tickets and MaiTai served in flight.”

  I soaked her with a flick of my paddle.

  * * *

  The beer in my hand tasted better than it should have, but I knew better. One beer, as long as there were people around.

  Brandy sat next to me on the steps, her own beer in hand.

  “How you doing?”

  I cocked my head. “Good, actually. It’s a huge relief. I honestly thought years ago I was over the whole kidnapping thing, and I couldn’t figure out what was holding me back. Now I know.”

  “Sorry you’re in the shitty parents club.” She held up her bottle and I clinked mine against hers.

  “Who’s got good ones?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “Delia, of course. Her parents rock. And Jess had decent ones,” she said. “Zanna’s parents mean well, but don’t parent well.”

  “True story.” I nodded. “And you? How are you doing?”

  “Zanna calmed the hell down,” she answered. “We haven’t talked through what happened, but she’s calmer now.” Pausing to take a long draught of her beer, she shook her head. “I’ve just gone back to unrequited myself. She’s never going to work out the feelings I know she’s got in there. She’s got no interest in being bisexual.”

  “Could she just have been curious?”

  “Bisexual, bicurious, whatever, she’s not going to deal with it. She’s just going to go back to fucking guys and wondering why she’s so out of sorts all the time.”

  I chuffed. “You’re right. She goes off like a cannon over the damnedest things. You think that’s her not dealing with stuff?”

  “Of course it is. How would you feel if your parents left you to homeopathic bullshit to deal with your cancer in a charlatan’s sweat lodge?”

  “Good point.” I nodded.


  “We all have shit we don’t deal with, and when we deal with one thing, something else comes up.”

  “Example?”

  “I’ve been gay since before I knew what gay was. Men are just…there. I mean nice bodies are always appreciated, and there have been a few, Brock O’Hurn and Jason Momoa, who I’ve joked I’d join the other team for. But not really. I like girls. And then into my life walks a guy who makes me want to…do rude things to his penis.”

  I choked on the beer I was drinking. “I have never heard it put quite that way, Bran.”

  “Well. If it was a woman, I’d say something like, drop a flag and dive that muff all day long.”

  I choked again. “Could you not?”

  Brandy cracked up laughing and it took both of us a moment to recover. She did first.

  “It’s true, though.”

  “Well, I get that. But you met a guy?”

  “I wouldn’t say I met him as much as I’ve been around him and have an urge to ride him like a motorcycle on Route 66. Which has never, ever happened before. He’s good-looking, he’s rugged, he’s built, and I’m sure he’s packing.”

  “It’s weird to hear you talk about a guy like that.”

  “Yeah. Now just think how I feel over here.”

  “That’s why you’re angry at Zanna for not dealing with her bicuriosity.”

  She nodded. “It’s what I’m dealing with right now. I know I prefer women. Obvs. But why this guy? Why now? Is it that I’ve never met the right penis? Am I actually bi and not just gay? Are your pheromones with all this sex going around affecting me, making me a penis-envious?”

  I shook my head, chuckling. “You have such a good attitude, Brandy. I wish everyone could know you and see how you deal with your life.”

  She shrugged. “They’d all just want my magnificent natural ‘fro do. I’m good being anonymous.”

  “I love that you stopped trying to get your hair to conform to some weird standard that doesn’t work.”

  “Eh. Conforming is for losers. Also, this is so much less work. God. All that product and ironing and time. What was I thinking?”

  “You weren’t. You were letting your Irish grandmother style your black hair.”

  Brandy laughed. “Good point.” She took another swig of beer. “And you? How are you doing? Still want to Hulk smash some sinks?”

  “Nah, I took it out on the wood pile this time. Nearly a whole cord of wood in the past three days.”

  “You’re going to have muscles like Thor you keep this up.”

  “That’s not a bad thing. I can beat Patrick more thoroughly.”

  “Assuming his father and mother haven’t already done that.” She smirked.

  “They’d give me his carcass to finish him off.”

  “I’m sure they would.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to hate him. I don’t. He went because it was his child. But no one knew about her. No one. Not Garrett, not Martin, not Olga…no one. And you could just see how painfully disappointed Olga was that there was a grandchild out there she had never met.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever talk to him again?”

  “Honestly, I have no idea. None. After all he knew about me…”

  “Could he have had a reason for keeping her secret?”

  “Unless the mob was involved? I don’t think so.”

  “So, you’re walking away?”

  “I just don’t know yet,” I answered. “He’s a good guy. But that doesn’t negate his lie.”

  “Did he lie?”

  “Lies of omission are still lies.”

  Brandy just sipped her beer. “You know, despite everything that’s gone on, and how much I was pissed that you guys took off, I feel like you’ve all found that person you’re going to go through life with. Yeah, the love and sex thing is gaggy, but more than someone to hump your brains out against my walls, I feel like you found your fist bump. The three of you.”

  “My…fist bump?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. Your fist bump. Remember the fist bump that Michelle and Barack Obama traded in front of the cameras? Well, it’s only a very special kind of relationship that can do that. They aren’t just husband and wife. They’re best friends, co-conspirators, partners. They have inside jokes that have been going for years, and may not even remember the origin of the joke anymore. They text each other inappropriate messages and can make out what the other is saying with a full mouth or four rooms away. It’s just so much more than being in love. It’s being, together. Two people with one direction. And an unabashed fist bump for all the world to see.”

  I blinked a few times. “That’s exactly the kind of life I want. Someone who is so much more than just someone I share a bank account with.”

  “And I swear, Jess and Delia have that. I thought you might too.”

  I took another pull on my beer. “I thought I had too.”

  “Consider giving him a chance to explain?”

  “Whose side are you on?”

  “Yours. And that’s exactly why I’m telling you to consider it. You deserve to be happy with your forever fist bump, just like anyone else.”

  “Damn philosophy minor.”

  Brandy laughed and drained her beer.

  “Hello, Brandy.”

  We both jerked our heads up and I found a mountain of man standing over us.

  “Oh. Hi, Rick.”

  He stared down at her. He had thick wavy brown hair, and a neat but serious beard. He was the complete epitome of lumbersexual, without the hipster edge. His dark chocolate brown eyes flicked to me. “Who is your friend?” His French accent was thick.

  “Oh, right. Rick, this is Addi. Addi, this is Rick. He’s a lumberjack working for the coastal tribes.”

  “Is Zanna around?” He smiled and holy shit it was dazzling.

  “Inside, I think she’s decorating the last bedroom on the right.”

  “Thank you, cheri.” He grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Nice to meet you, Addi.”

  “Likewise,” I said, watching him walk around us and into the house. I glanced at Brandy, who was still watching where he walked into the house. “Is that your tempting penis?”

  “Yes.”

  “Damn. I don’t blame you. That is…”

  “So utterly masculine I don’t understand why the hell I’m attracted to him.”

  “Mrph. That is some nice stuff to be attracted—wait. He came here looking for Zanna?”

  She pursed her lips and nodded. “Yup. I’m attracted to a man, for the first time, and he’s shagging one of my best friends.” She looked down at her empty bottle. “Damn. I need a lot more beer.”

  I slapped her on the back. “I’ll buy you a case. You’re going to need it.”

  * * *

  I popped open the door and walked around the back. By the time I slammed the trunk, Tati had climbed out and Cassie was looking around as she stood from the backseat.

  “All shifters live here?”

  “Not only shifters, but just about everyone who doesn’t knows,” Tati said. “There are a few stragglers we’re trying to integrate into the community. So you have to be careful what you say. Just follow our lead.”

  “This is a cute place.” She smiled.

  “You ready, kiddo?”

  “Yup. I’ve wanted to meet your parents for a long time, Dad.”

  How to spear your shitty father right in the heart, kid. I put an arm around her, and we headed up the walkway.

  There was no knocking. The door popped open and my mother walked out of the house and straight to Cassie. She didn’t say a thing. Just marched up and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her.

  “Hi, Grandma,” Cassie managed through the hug.

  “Damn, that sounds awesome.” Mom stepped back and held her at arm’s length. “Wow. A grandkid. This is kind of awesome.”

  Cassie laughed. “Okay, Dad, I like her.”

  I chuckled and motioned to the house. “Go on in, you have a grandf
ather and two uncles as well.”

  Mom wrapped an arm around her shoulders and walked up the stairs. I heard her sniffling and watched her smear tears off her cheeks. Tati and I followed them in and found Dad standing in the living room waiting. His eyebrows were way up.

  “Holy God, Olga, she looks like you!”

  “See?” Tati elbowed me.

  Dad shot me an evil look, then opened his arms and Cassie walked straight into them. “Hi, Grandpa.”

  “Damn. That sounds really good.”

  “They’re not married, at all.” Tati laughed.

  “Of course not.” I grumped.

  “We have lunch waiting out back. Then your father can take you down to his place and get you settled in.” Dad led us out through the back door.

  “You don’t live here, Dad?” She looked confused.

  “Nope. I don’t. I have my own place about a half mile down. We’ll be staying there, but you can come over here anytime you want.”

  Three people stood and turned as we popped out onto the back porch. Dad did the intros. “Cassie, these are your uncles, Darius and Garrett. And this is Garrett’s girlfriend, Jessica.”

  They all took turns giving her a hug, including Jess—which kind of floored me. How close had Garrett and Jess gotten? Was she really thinking about staying with him? It would be awesome if she did.

  Lunch was way better than I thought it was going to be—and I hadn’t expected Darius to come all the way down. I knew it was hard for him to be around St. Terese after his wife had died. That he was here said a lot.

  I had screwed up, but I hoped I was making up for it.

  “Wanna go see the game room?” Tati asked, after we’d all finished eating.

  “Oh, the one with the huge TV and awesome gaming setup?” Cassie grinned from ear to ear.

  “That one.”

  “Can I, Dad?”

  I nodded. “Of course, but don’t play too long. We are guests here.”

  “You’re family here,” Mom said, grabbing a napkin. “You play as long as you like.”

  I bit my tongue and watched Tati lead Cassie into the house. Counting to three, I leaned forward. “Leighann and I had limited her gaming time when she was seven and had trouble getting her to go to school. She was throwing full-on tantrums about how school was a waste and gaming was better. Please, do not give her full reign of that system. Two hours, after her chores and homework are done—and I realize that there is currently no homework. But if she comes up during the school year, that’s the rule.”