Feral Boy Meets Girl

by William Jablonsky

  Langforth rang doorbell. B3 opened the door bleary-eyed in flannel robe, cigarette dangling from her lips, asking, “What’s going on?”

  Langforth wished her good morning, then (with rigid joy in her bearing) read list of complaints from her clipboard, quickly, without pausing for breath. She paused when she finished, stared at B3 with expectant smile. B3 stared back. Mutual staring continued until Secretary cleared throat in annoyance.

  B3 yawned, turned slowly, summoned children to the door, asked if Langforth’s charges were true. Jacob responded through mouthful of oatmeal that he did not know. Langforth said it was odd not to know if they had been making noise and littering all over complex.

  B3 indicated she would speak to children, and wished Langforth a good day, began to close door. Langforth blocked screen door from closing with clipboard: “Excuse me, but I don’t think you understand the seriousness of these concerns.”

  Langforth attempted to pull screen door back open. Upon achieving this, she was hit in the face by a large, buttery glob of oatmeal.

  Langforth yelped like a dog, dropped clipboard, fell onto grass and flailed as if struck by lightning. From inside, sound of mother shouting. Secretary could do without all this noise.

  Langforth demanded assistance, asked what Secretary was waiting for. As role is merely to keep records, Secretary left her wailing in grass and went back to bed.

  5.1

  5:29 p.m.

  Attending: Steinhauer, Reese, Pitkin, Metzger, Sherman

  Absent: Langforth

  Steinhauer noted Langforth’s absence, and wanted it known that, due to the treatment she received, she has been staying at her sister’s house in Fitchburg. Unless problem is dealt with immediately, she may be forced to sell. (Secretary’s note: prospect of Langforth moving out is slim: her tantrum will end when she realizes no one but Steinhauer would be sad to see her go.) Steinhauer is a sad, lonely man whose wife divorced him eight months ago on grounds of mental cruelty, and who listens to right-wing talk radio in his bedroom, so loud it almost masks sound of his early-morning weeping. Perhaps Langforth’s icy demeanor reminds him of ex-wife. Secretary wishes the two would have sex and be done with it; noise from Steinhauer’s townhouse is unbearable, mutual sexually-charged glances between him and Langforth nauseating.

  After long, awkward silence, Treasure Metzger announced that installation of new siding is underway; work should be completed by Friday or, at latest, Monday. Projected costs have been revised to $1025 for each resident.

  Reese suggested Board pay for recycling service in parking lot, perhaps a pair of bins to be placed next to dumpster. Steinhauer however, stated that this would take up two parking spaces, and he does not wish to see his new Mercedes SUV spattered with beer and Coca-Cola.

  Metzger observed that trampoline remains in main courtyard; children’s noise level has increased. (Secretary has not noticed, as Steinhauer’s racket drowns out all else.)

  Reese suggested Board simply take trampoline down; however, Pitkin believes they would just get another. Metzger posited the idea of starting a small rip in trampoline so children might fall through; however, Sherman, a personal-injury lawyer by trade, warned that tampering would be too easy to prove in court if children were harmed. He suggested using meat to lure an animal from wooded area on north side of complex. Once children discover animal in trampoline, along with spoiled meat and droppings, they will be too afraid or repulsed to enter again.

  Reese wondered if this might be too cruel (to children and animal alike). Steinhauer replied, “Think of poor Amelia and tell me it’s too cruel.”

  Steinhauer moved to vote on plan.

  Motion was approved, 4-1.

  Metzger and Sherman will execute tonight.

  Meeting adjourned at 6:27.

  Supplemental meeting

  5.2

  1:35 a.m.

  Members attending: Sherman, Metzger

  Why Secretary must be part of this is beyond him.

  Metzger opened safety mesh just enough for small animal to get inside, then placed portion of bottom round roast in center of trampoline. Come morning, when children come out to catch school bus, they will see crazed animal in mess of meat and shit and fur. They will be terrified, will never go near trampoline again, and everyone in this complex will finally be happy and leave Secretary the hell alone.

  Asked Metzger why Board does not just smash trampoline and be done with it; Metzger reminded Secretary his role is merely to record proceedings.

  Board members hid round corner of Building B for seventy-five minutes until Sherman heard rustling from grove of trees on north side of building. Family of raccoons? Skunks? Difficult to see in darkness. In moonlight, saw furry shadow pull itself up to trampoline’s edge, heard sounds of nibbling. Treasurer Metzger ran up to trampoline and quickly zipped mesh door shut, then Metzger and Sherman ran across courtyard like teenagers fleeing a tipped cow.

  Meeting adjourned at 2:51 a.m.

  Addendum

  5.2

  3:47 a.m.

  Strange screeching noises coming from courtyard, like terrified animal in great pain. Someone ought to investigate. But it is late, and Secretary has lost enough sleep for one night.

  Supplemental meeting

  5.2

  6:43 a.m.

  Members attending: Steinhauer, Metzger, Reese, Pitkin

  Woke up to screams of Annie, girl from B3; several residents gathered in courtyard to investigate.

  Secretary hobbled out in bathrobe to ghastly sight: inside trampoline, remains of raccoon. (By “remains,” Secretary means gutted corpse covered in bloody fur, a thin layer of blood, shit, and innards strewn across trampoline’s surface.) Sherman, an active hunter, posed theory: raccoon must have found meat, become trapped, was joined by a badger also attracted to scent. Struggle ensued; badger was clearly victorious.

  Jacob cried; Annie, tugging at mother’s robe, asked if raccoon was going to be okay. B3 explained that it was not; Annie wailed uncontrollably. B3 told her to go inside, gave Board a look that could have melted lead.

  Reese turned on others, quietly whispered to Pitkin and Metzger, “What the hell is wrong with you people?” Pitkin and Metzger stared at their slippered feet in silence, unwilling to look up. Reese muttered something about calling the police and stormed off. When he was gone Steinhauer took Pitkin and Metzger aside, placed a hand on each man’s shoulder, reassured them Reese would not do so—he was as liable as they. (Note: minutes show this is incorrect.)

  At the very least, Steinhauer indicated, there will be no more problems with trampoline.

  5.8

  5:31

  Members present: Steinhauer, Metzger, Reese, Langforth, Pitkin, Sherman

  Board President Steinhauer, smiling so broadly Secretary was certain he would rip ligaments, made special note that Langforth was back among us, moved that all present stand and applaud her grace under such appalling circumstances. Perhaps she will take gesture for what it is and sleep with him. Though mental image is stuff of nightmares, Secretary would appreciate just one morning without waking to sounds of Steinhauer wailing while Rush Limbaugh laughs like an evil Santa Claus on early morning rebroadcast.

  Motion was not seconded; only Steinhauer stood. Several seconds of uncomfortable staring ensued.

  Metzger announced that, in light of Steinhauer’s recent phone call to ICE, the siding replacement will take longer than expected. New projection raises each resident’s cost to $1250. Steinhauer insisted his decision was a principled one; with all those Mexicans running about, at least a few had to be illegal.

  Listened to voicemail from ex-wife demanding additional $120/month for daughter’s dance lessons while Reese and Metzger argued about rising costs.

  Pitkin moved that, in light of recent events, complex rules be changed to prohibit trampolines or other outdoor recreational equipment from grounds.

  Motion was seconded. Motion approved, 5-1.

  Reese stated he felt Bo
ard’s actions over the previous week were shameful, and Board ought to apologize personally to B3 and her children. Steinhauer replied that Board must sometimes make difficult decisions for welfare of entire complex. Moreover, Langforth added, Board has gotten rid of an eyesore that lowered everyone’s property values, and if it took one mangled raccoon to solve this, she was for it.

  In absence of trampoline, however, Pitkin noted a marked increase in noise in courtyard: specifically, children have been jumping rope and kicking a soccer ball around grounds, so loudly they drown out time-sensitive instructions given by Frugal Gourmet, twice causing Pitkin’s gourmet dinners to be ruined. Worse yet, on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, children threw remnants of bagged lunches in courtyard. When wind took them, pile of baggies and candy wrappers ended up on his patio; Pitkin reiterated that this is unacceptable and demanded Steinhauer do something about it.

  Sherman explained that Board had already come very close to the legal line in dealings with B3. Pitkin added, “Not close enough.”

  Langforth huffed; Sherman informed her she could pursue individual charges if she wished, but as there were no witnesses willing to come forward (here Langforth glared long and hard at Secretary), there is nothing else to be done.

  Langforth stated that, as Residents’ Board President, and as a man, Steinhauer was obliged to deal with situation.

  Reese inquired as to what, specifically, she had in mind; Langforth replied, “What their mother should’ve done a long time ago.”

  Steinhauer said he would think about it.

  Meeting adjourned at 6:28.

  Addendum

  5.9

  3:37 p.m.

  At 3:32, received phone call from Steinhauer, with instructions to grab laptop and meet him in courtyard in five minutes. Attempted to tell Steinhauer that Secretary is not actually his employee, but was reminded that role is, traditionally, a silent one. Saw no sense in pointing out the obvious; arguing only prolongs these tasks, robbing Secretary of what little peace he is allowed.

  Secretary slid into canvas slip-ons and wandered outside; found Steinhauer hiding around southwest corner of Building B. Steinhauer pressed finger to lips and pointed round corner: children from B3 were running across courtyard, faces covered in ketchup, carrying boxes of microwave French fries. Children took turns throwing them at one another, missing, striking living-room windows and screen doors. New wood-panel siding on Building C was covered with at least a dozen thin red streaks. In front of Pitkin’s door, a stepped-on microwave hot dog, mustard footprint on welcome mat.

  Steinhauer asked if Secretary had a webcam to record proceedings. (Lied and said no: have no interest in facilitating Steinhauer’s sex life by showing Langforth video of him menacing children.)

  “Ah, well,” he said, motioned for Secretary to follow.

  Steinhauer marched across courtyard, crimson power-tie flapping in wind, thin white hair blown up into sharp crest. Langforth’s makeup-slathered face and bad maroon dye job clearly visible in second-floor window of Building B.

  Steinhauer demanded children stop immediately but received no reply. He then seized Jacob by shoulder, turned him around forcefully, began to chide him. Jacob writhed free, threw handful of fries at Steinhauer, leaving ketchup streaks on his white oxford shirt.

  Steinhauer’s face turned scarlet, lips snarling, veins popping on his neck and forehead; he snatched Jacob by shirt collar, slung him over one knee, pulled down boy’s trousers to expose buttocks, and spanked him. Jacob screamed, more in surprise than pain. Annie ran toward home, calling for her mother; Steinhauer dropped Jacob on grass and pursued her. Annie shrieked as he repeated sanction.

  Let minutes show Secretary was not involved in any way. Secretary wants no part of this.

  Woman from B3 emerged, hair rolled up in home-perm kit; children ran to her and explained everything. Argument ensued; Steinhauer informed her this would not have been necessary if she showed willingness to discipline children. Woman shoved him; he raised a hand as if to strike her. She did not move or recoil. Could not hear rest of exchange, but just barely made out B3 threatening to call ex-husband. The two exchanged curses, then withdrew to own units.

  Addendum #2

  5.9

  6:35 p.m.

  At 6:14, unfamiliar yellow Dodge Ram pulled into driveway, parked in front of B3. Immense red-haired man with bushy beard emerged, wearing loose flannel shirt, ripped dungarees, and faded Brewers cap. Man went inside for a few minutes, then came out, marched purposefully across courtyard, stopped at C1 (Steinhauer’s residence) and rang bell.

  Secretary followed, at safe distance, to record proceedings.

  At second ring, Glenn Beck rerun ceased blaring from upstairs window. Steinhauer appeared at door ten seconds later in crimson dressing gown, cigar in hand.

  Man seized Steinhauer’s lapel; sickening popping sound as he struck Steinhauer in mouth with large meaty fist. Steinhauer fell to his knees, spit chunky red bits into grass. Man pulled him to his feet, flung him into grass in courtyard, then straddled him, repeatedly punched him in the face and forehead, then wrapped Steinhauer’s dressing-gown belt around his neck, squeezed. Steinhauer gurgled a faint, “Please don’t kill me,” and then, more softly, “I’m sorry.” (Difficult to discern exact words, as Steinhauer’s nose clearly smashed to mush, at least three front teeth scattered in grass.)

  Man finally released Steinhauer, left him gagging on lawn. “Touch my kids again and I’ll kill you,” he said, then walked slowly back to truck and drove away.

  Langforth ran across courtyard, cradling Steinhauer’s bloody head, pleading for someone, anyone, to call an ambulance.

  Secretary returned to soaps on DVR.

  Supplemental meeting

  5.11

  11:37 p.m.

  Present: Langforth, Steinhauer

  At 4:32, observed Langforth’s black Audi stopping in front of Building C. Langforth emerged first, then helped Steinhauer, blanket-shrouded and wearing pajamas, out of passenger seat, slowly leading him to door of C1. She opened door for him, helped him inside. Has not yet emerged.

  Heard grunting from Steinhauer’s upstairs window, thought at first he was weeping again, or in pain. Then heard Langforth’s breathless, witchlike moans. Attempted to keep down dinner until, seven minutes later, all went quiet.

  Addendum

  5.12

  9:36 a.m.

  Silence. Blessed, joyful silence.

  For first time since moving in, Secretary was not awakened by Steinhauer wailing over ear-splitting talk-radio show. Has not felt this rested since before custody hearing seven months ago.

  Addendum #2

  5.13

  8:03 a.m.

  Was awakened abruptly at 7:23. In first dizzying moments of consciousness, immediately thought of Steinhauer: Langforth must have tired of him already. Was jarred to senses by something striking bedroom window. Peered out from behind blinds; saw Jacob and Annie, running in courtyard, shrieking, flinging pieces of chocolate muffin at one another. Mother nowhere to be seen.

  Did not know it was possible for children to be so loud.

  This continued until 7:46, when school bus arrived. Secretary attempted to go back to sleep but was unsuccessful.

  Addendum #3

  5.15

  7:49 a.m.

  Children at it again; was awakened third morning in a row. At 7:20, shouted out window for children to stop; Jacob responded by pulling pants down, exposing and slapping own buttocks. Again, attempted to go back to bed, was awakened almost instantly by sound of streaming liquid on wall outside. Looked out again, saw Jacob urinating on side of building. Put on bathrobe, about to give chase. Remembered children’s father, thought better of it.

  This has gotten completely out of hand.

  5.16

  5:34 p.m.

  Members present: Steinhauer, Langforth, Metzger, Reese, Pitkin, Sherman.

  Langforth moved to welcome Board President Steinhauer back after his hospitaliza
tion, suggesting his very presence after savage mauling was heroic. Steinhauer unable to speak or smile: jaw wired shut, two black eyes (one still swollen in socket and purple from broken blood vessels), voice muffled by gauze pads in mouth.

  Metzger seconded. Motion was approved 4-0, Reese and Steinhauer abstaining.

  Pitkin observed that, despite Board’s recent actions, noise levels in courtyard and around Building B have actually increased; in addition, this afternoon he discovered a half-eaten bologna sandwich and two Fruit Roll-Up wrappers on back patio, black permanent marker on door of his (low-end) BMW. He theorized that, after father’s despicable assault on Steinhauer, children have become emboldened; this obviously cannot stand.

  Reese advocated pressing criminal charges; Sherman suggested this might be somewhat difficult, as Steinhauer’s actions prior to assault, no matter how justified, make conviction unlikely.

  Langforth insisted more drastic action is necessary—physical attack on Board President crossed line. Metzger agreed; will of the Board cannot be so callously disregarded. Steinhauer mumbled something unintelligible through his gauze. (While uncertain, Secretary believes he said, “Just let it go,” but no one seemed to understand.)

  Pitkin, who until now has borne brunt of children’s misdeeds, offered a solution: at approximately 7:45 each morning, children walk down driveway and halfway around block to bus stop. Vehicles come round curve very swiftly at times, due to sparseness of police patrols; small children difficult to see around hedges near curb. Pitkin’s brother-in-law works for city road crew and could close off sidewalk, forcing children to stand in street. Then, what happens, happens—Board’s hands remain clean.

  Reese suggested Board was out of its goddamned mind for even thinking such a thing. Sherman replied that Board had been given wide authority over internal matters.

  Silence filled room.

  Steinhauer began to cough, bloody gauze falling out of mouth onto table, red stains at edges of lips. Langforth scooted chair over to check on him, gently rubbing his shoulder blades. Board members stared, mouths hanging open.