by J. R. Ward
Axe laughed in a hard burst. "I told you shit I haven't told anybody."
"Did you? Or was that an act to get my sympathy, falsely gain my trust?"
"Are you fucking kidding me."
She shrugged. "This is the problem with lying, Axe. You do it once, and the other person has no idea what else you've been untruthful about. I come from a family of lies and silence. I can't go into that shadow world with someone I'm intimate with. Moreover, I won't do it. I told you in the beginning, honesty is the most important thing--"
"Honesty? You want to talk about honesty? You've been sneaking out of your father's house for how long? And you only came clean about what you were doing when you got caught. You switched phones with your BFF Peyton so no one knew where you were when you were with me. You broke in to your cousin's fucking apartment." He jabbed a finger across the tense air at her. "You want to make me out to be an asshole, fine. Have at it. But don't pretend for an instant that you're in some holier-than-thou ivory tower. Because that's bullshit, sweetheart. The only difference is, I'm not judging you and I'm not jumping to conclusions."
Elise looked toward the dying fire. After a moment, she nodded. "All of that is fair."
"Thank you for that seal of approval. It means so much to me."
She got to her feet and laid the cloak aside, placing that fucking key on the folds. "It doesn't change anything, though. The reality is, I'm not mad at you for sleeping with Novo or going to the club or playing dumb--"
"You sure about that?"
"Yes, I am." She turned to face him. And with the way she was staring at him, he knew without a doubt, this was the last time they were going to be in an enclosed space together. "I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I didn't recognize I was addressing an emotional problem concerning my dysfunctional family-of-origin with the distraction of a poorly thought-out physical affair."
"Yeah, looks like you've got it all figured out. You've even tagged it with fancy therapy-speak. Good for you."
Yes, he was being a bitter son of a bitch, but what the fuck else was he supposed to do. Judge, jury, guilty verdict--it was all finished, all wrapped up. And he was going to the death chamber.
Because that's what life was going to be without her.
Death.
Elise shook her head slowly and put on her coat. "I had no business jumping into anything, with anybody. And like I said, I don't blame you. You didn't owe me a thing. It's not like we had some big conversation about monogamy and then you went out and were with other people. I've only known you a week, so...there you go. Lesson learned."
Axe narrowed his eyes. "And what exactly did you learn?"
"That the only person you can really trust is yourself. And as long as you remember that, you're going to be okay. No matter what happens."
--
As Elise finished saying her piece, she stared across the room at Axe...and felt like she was looking at a stranger.
Which was actually more accurate than the illusion of closeness and intimacy that had been created thanks to the really good sex they'd had together. But come on. The Scribe Virgin, when She created the race, had set things up right. Because pregnancy could be a result of sex, during a time of needing, and young were deadly to bear and hard to raise, the male and female had to reeealllly want to get it on so that the species survived.
Otherwise no one would take the risk. Ever.
So sexual tension and sexual expression were powerful things--and potentially destructive when what made procreation possible for the species was brought to bear in a casual affair between two people who otherwise had no business being together.
Elise was living proof of it.
And yes, she wanted to go into her feelings of hurt, rejection, and betrayal with Axe. She wanted to yell and scream, throw something. Kick him, maybe. But she knew damn well that was a persuasion thing, a negotiation, in addition to a punishment: By revealing more of herself to him instead of less, she was looking for him to do a complete turnaround and become, once again, who she had believed him to be.
But what was the saying? When somebody showed you who they were, you needed to believe them the first time.
Axe's true colors had come out. But only because he'd slipped up, and gotten caught by a happenstance of facts and circumstance.
Elise had laid Allishon to rest tonight. And now she was putting this...thing...between her and Axe down along with her cousin.
"So that's all I've got," she told him. "I'm going to go now. I wish you well, and I will not speak of this again to anyone. You do as you wish, however. I don't need you to protect me. I'm a big girl, and if there's fallout, I'll take it."
Because actually, her situation with him wasn't the only thing she'd been mulling over as she'd sat here alone and waited for him to come home.
She'd arrived at some other conclusions, too.
"Goodbye, Axe."
Her body was a little shaky as she approached him, but not because she was afraid of him hurting her or saying something awful: Proximity was just hard...even though her mind had changed gears when it came to him, her corporeal form still wanted his.
That was never happening again, though.
"I think you're really going into the right field," he said as he got out of her way.
"I'm sorry, what?"
His eyes shifted over to hers. "You're going to make a great professor. You excel at one-sided conversations and you have all the answers. You've given me an F, kicked me out of the class, and you're ready for the next student. And you feel terrific about it."
"No," she said softly. "Not terrific. But the biggest fallacy people sell themselves is that they should be happy all the time."
"I've never believed that. And you've just proved my position all over again."
He leaned to the side and opened the door; then he walked away without looking back.
Which was fine.
She was going to do the same.
Once outside, Elise dematerialized back to her house, and after she went in through the front door, she proceeded directly to her father's study. Knocking on the closed panels, she waited...and then let herself in.
He was, as always, at his desk. Dressed impeccably. Shuffling papers. Working on his investments.
"Well, good evening, daughter mine. How fare thee?"
Elise ditched the preamble and sat down without being invited to do so. "I'm moving out as soon as I find a suitable place to live. I have some money that mahmen left me, and I'm also going to be taking on more hours at the university for pay. I'd like to stay here while I apartment hunt, but if that makes you uncomfortable, I'll locate other accommodations."
As her father dropped his pen, and his lower jaw, she nodded. "And yes, my mind's made up. I'm sorry if this causes you any grief or embarrassment, and I would very much like to continue to have a relationship with you. That's your choice, of course, and if you need to distance yourself from me temporarily or even permanently, it will break my heart, but I will understand."
She got back to her feet. "I need to go live my own life, on my own terms--and that's not something that you, or anyone else, can grant me permission to do or withhold permission from me for. It's up to me, and me alone. And actually...I'm really good with that."
he following evening at around midnight, Mary stood to the side and watched Bitty walk Ruhn through the vestibule and into the great, colorful foyer of the Black Dagger Brotherhood's mansion.
Bitty's uncle had been interviewed by Wrath, and actually all the males of the household, the night before--and you want to talk about a grilling? The poor guy had been two feet shorter after the interrogations were through, and Mary and Bitty had practically had to pour him into one of the beds down below at Darius's.
And then there had been the trip down South right after sunset, Ruhn, Rhage, and V heading back to where Ruhn stayed, and talking to his employer, who hadn't required notice. There had been so little in terms of personal belongings that the three of the
m had been able to fill up some backpacks and duffels and dematerialize the stuff up here to Caldwell, traveling at jumps of fifty to a hundred miles.
"Isn't it beautiful!" Bitty exclaimed as she let go of the male's hand and started to jump around. "And don't worry, you get used to it. I promise!"
Ruhn looked like his head was spinning as his eyes bounced around the gold leafing and the crystal and the columns. "It's...well, I've worked in a big mansion. But nothing like this."
Bitty grabbed his hand again and dragged him into the billiards room. "Come meet the pool tables!"
As the pair of them went off, Rhage put his arm around Mary and whispered, "His place was spotlessly clean, my Mary, but there was nothing in it. Just a bed and table with one chair. Breaks your fucking heart--he was prepared to make it work, though. His employer told me that Ruhn was going to take on more hours to put Bitty in school on the estate. He was ready to do his best."
At that moment, there was a chiming sound from the vestibule door and Mary glanced at the security screen. "Oh, it's Saxton."
She went over and let the King's attorney in. "Come to join the festivities?"
The blond-haired lawyer was perfectly dressed as always, a cravat at his neck, his dark suit set off with a coral shirt and pocket square. And oh, dear Lord, did he smell good.
And also, oh, dear Lord, did it feel great to be lighthearted enough to notice that kind of thing.
Ever since Ruhn and Bitty had come forward with The Plan, as Mary thought of it, she felt as though her life had been returned to her. It was incredible. Everything was back to normal, almost like the pain and fear and uncertainty had never happened.
And it was funny...Although Mary didn't know firsthand what birth was like, she decided that she had been through something at least emotionally similar: She had been out of control, in pain, grinding through hours and days, terrified and in a nightmare that seemed to have no end. Then there had been some tearing, and a vital separation...only, in the end, to have her daughter in her arms, safe, the world righted once again, her life more complete than ever because the transition was over and everyone was okay on the other side.
It was a miracle--and the pain, instead of crippling her and Bitty, had just made their bond stronger.
"Actually," Saxton said, "I've brought the paperwork Ruhn requested."
As the attorney took a folded sheaf of papers out of his inside pocket, Mary was very aware that both she and Rhage went totally still.
"Ruhn just has to sign them," Saxton explained gently.
"Sign what?" the male said, as he came back into the foyer with Bitty. "Oh. Yes, please."
As he spoke, Saxton turned--and did a double take.
"You haven't met, have you," Mary said. "Saxton, this is Bitty's uncle, Ruhn. Ruhn, this is Saxton, keeper of all papers, strategist, and all-around great person."
Saxton stared at the other male as Ruhn bowed low. "Sire."
There was a pause. And then Saxton offered his palm. "Please. Just Saxton."
Ruhn stared at what was outstretched in confusion. "My...ah, my hands are rough."
"But of course," Saxton murmured as he dropped his arm. "Would you care to review this and give it your signature?"
As things got quiet, Mary stepped up. "Are you sure you want to--"
"Yes," Ruhn said. "There needs to be clarity in the event decisions have to be made or if she is unable to communicate in a medical crisis."
For some reason, Mary got teary again. And then she remembered his limitations. "But you need to know what it says."
"It says you are her parents, right?"
"That's correct," she whispered.
"Then I shall sign."
"It really is prudent," Saxton interjected. "So let us go into the library and you two should come as well."
"This way," Mary said as she started across the depiction of an apple tree in full bloom. "Rhage?"
"Right behind you. Bitty, give the grown-ups two secs, 'kay? Go find Lassiter and kick him in the butt for me, would you?"
"On it!" the girl said as she tore off in search of the angel.
Once inside the library, Mary shut the doors--and saw that Ruhn was staring at the tree. "Oh, that's our Christmas stuff. I'm human--or I was. You know. Ah, long story."
Which made her think of something--
"Would you read the papers to me?" Ruhn asked her. "Please?"
"Oh...yes. Yes, of course." She took the document from Saxton and they all sat in front of the fire. "This is..." She had to clear her throat as she held the pages out in front of Ruhn. "This is a release of all your...parental rights to Bitty." She pointed to places. "See, this is your name. This is her name. This text here states that forevermore, you will not make any claim to any custody of her, physical or otherwise, or claim any benefits that may accrue to her, or be a party or consulted about any decisions that affect her life. Do you know...I mean, once you sign this, it's done. It can't be undone."
Ruhn stared at the paper and then pointed to his name. "That's my name, right there."
"Yes."
"Hers...is here."
"Yes, that's correct."
He looked at the words for a while. "Funny, this is the only time our names will ever be together."
Mary swallowed a knot in her throat. "Ruhn, you don't have--"
"Does someone have a pen?" the male said.
Saxton, who seemed to be holding in some kind of emotion, put a gold one out. "Here, use mine."
Ruhn took the writing instrument and seemed amazed by it. Then he appeared worried. "I can't...I don't really have a signature. I don't know how to write my name."
"Any mark," Saxton said in a soft voice, "will suffice. And I will witness it as your own down below. You want to put it here."
Ruhn nodded as the lawyer pointed out a line three-quarters of the way down the second page. And then Bitty's uncle bent down over the document.
He was there for quite a while. Much longer than the two secs it took for most people to scrawl their name.
When he sat back up again, Mary covered her mouth with her palm.
"That's me," Ruhn said, pointing to the small sketch he'd made of his face. "That is my mark."
It was an absolutely beautiful rendering of his features. And everyone grew silent.
"It's all I know how to do," Ruhn explained.
Saxton pinched the brow of his nose. "No, no...it's perfectly lovely. And perfectly sufficient."
Saxton did his thing, notarizing the document, and then the lawyer was standing up. "I shall go file this at the Audience House."
"Come back, though," Mary said. "Please? We're going to have a little welcome party at the end of the night, and you should come if you can."
The attorney looked at Ruhn briefly. "All right. Thank you, I shall."
--
On the bus ride in to the training center, Axe sat in the rear, far away from the others. Peyton, meanwhile, stayed up front, choosing a seat close to the partition that separated them from the butler driver.
Elise's cousin hadn't looked back as he'd gotten on the bus. Didn't look back as they made the trip north.
But he also didn't get off when they stopped inside the parking area and everybody else went in for class.
"You waiting for me?" Axe said when they were alone.
Now the male turned. "Yes."
"I don't need to attack you from behind, you know. I can do that right in your face."
"I know." Peyton shifted his legs around and put his elbows on his knees. As he stared straight ahead, his mood was hard to read. "I'm guessing you heard Elise came to see me last night."
"Oh, she let me know it, all right."
"I didn't say anything about you and Novo."
"Well, good for you. Elise told me how much she hates liars, and considering I've never fucked Novo, at least you're clean on that one."
"That's your concern, not mine."
"Damn fucking right. And I also haven't bee
n with Novo."
The long silence was a surprise, but Axe didn't really care one way or another. "We done here? FYI, I'm not going to cut you or anything. I don't want anything to fucking do with you, but that hasn't changed since orientation."
"Her father called me. She's moving out of the house. He's requested that I keep an eye out for her and I've agreed to do that."
Elise was leaving home? Holy shit.
Except then Axe reminded himself that it wasn't really his business anymore, was it.
"So you got what you want." Axe got to his feet. "Congratulations. Then again, shit always works out for people like you, doesn't it--"
Novo came up the short steps and leaned into the bus. "Are you two killing each other or something?"
Axe shook his head. "Nope. We're good--oh, but he thinks I fucked you three nights ago--or whenever it was we went to the club."
"What?"
"You heard me."
Novo stared at Peyton. "Axe put me up for membership. That's why he took me there. And it was because I asked him to--oh, and Axe shut me down when I asked him if he wanted to be with me. Turned me down flat. Jesus, Peyton, could you be any more of an asshole?"
Axe walked forward, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. S'all good. Moving on."
Pushing past Novo, he stepped off the bus, went over to the door that had been propped open, and entered the training center.
As he headed for the gym, where they were going to be sparring, he was aware of a whole lot of things: He was exhausted, for one thing, but he had a feeling he needed to get used to that. He was in pain, but yeah, file that along with the former.
And he was terrified.
In his head, he was monitoring each and every thought he had, checking for signs that he was going to crash and burn as his father had. It was like he was searching for cracks in his foundation, waiting for his superstructure to collapse, anticipating the paralysis that he had watched for years.
He was already crippled on the inside. Surely the outside was going to go, too.
Because the truly pathetic thing? He had bonded with Elise.
Yes, as she had pointed out, it had been only a matter of nights, but--as he had so often heard, and never truly believed--when it came to males and their soul mates? It didn't take time; it took the right female.
And Elise was right for him even if he was wrong for her.
