Lost without You: A Single Dad Small Town Romance (Annapolis Harbor Book 2)

by Lea Coll

  I’d diffused feelings of love in relationships before by keeping the focus on sex, or if that didn’t work, walking away. Would I do the same with Griffin?

  We walked into the room, Dylan and Hadley were seated, laptops open in front of them.

  Once we were settled, I focused on why we were here. “We’re here to discuss the terms of a possible lease renewal.”

  “Here’s what I’m proposing.” Griffin stood, handing us each a letter addressed to Kids Speak and a copy of the new lease underneath.

  We were quiet for a few seconds, scanning the documents.

  “You want to fund Kids Speak?” Hadley asked, her eyes widening.

  My heart thudded in my ears, my breath low and erratic.

  “I’d like to see your financials and your business plan first, but yeah. I’m working with Cade on his Rebuilds program too. I’d taken a break from investing but I think I’m ready to jump back in.” He winked at me.

  I wanted to ask if he was doing this because of me, but he was also investing in Cade’s business, so probably not. It was a nice gesture. Thoughtful, kind, generous. Something bloomed in my chest, spreading outward to my limbs, making me feel light, almost as if I was floating on air. I shook my head to clear it.

  “This is amazing, Griffin. I’ll get everything you need right away.” Hadley’s excitement was palpable, the relief in her voice evident.

  “I can do that.” My voice was stiff. Why did I feel so weird as if nothing would be the same again? Griffin would be more tied to my business, the nonprofit, my friends, even Cade. He was embedding himself in my life when I’d kept things separate since Wes. When I hadn’t kept things separate, the fallout threatened my reputation and my career. I couldn’t let that happen again.

  Hadley shifted in her seat, holding Griffin’s letter tightly in her hand. “Thank you, Griffin. I hope you know we’d never ask you to donate to the organization. I don’t want you to think we’re friends with you because you have money—”

  “I don’t. This is something I want to do. I was at your fundraiser, Avery told me a little, but I also spoke to your director in New Orleans. I’m impressed with what you’ve done in New Orleans and what you’re trying to do here.”

  I was surprised he’d gone so far as to talk to Kids Speak’s New Orleans director, Winnie. Why hadn’t he mentioned it to me before? Was he keeping secrets from me? My mind was spiraling, remembering how Wes had chosen himself, his career, over me.

  “Thank you for your generosity. We should probably look at the lease agreement too.” I flipped to the last page of the lease, scanning until I saw the underlined figure, looking up at him in confusion, a low buzz started in my head, making it difficult to focus. “Griffin. This is barely more than we’re paying now. I don’t understand. I thought you wanted more money for the space.”

  His gaze was steady on mine. “You’re just starting out. You can use that money for the firm or to get Kids Speak off the ground. I don’t need the money. I don’t want to be that ruthless business guy anymore, not with people I’m involved with.”

  He was a shrewd businessman. The only reason he was giving us a deal now was that we were in a relationship, because we were sleeping together. “I don’t like this.”

  “Avery, be reasonable—” Dylan started.

  I ignored Dylan, addressing Griffin. “No. You’re donating to Kids Speak and giving us a deal because of our relationship, aren’t you?”

  Griffin’s lip set into a straight line. “You could choose to look at it that way or you could say you believe me when I say I want to help.”

  Hadley stood, leaving her laptop. “I’m going to grab some waters. Dylan, can you help?”

  I could practically feel Hadley’s brow raise as she spoke to Dylan, silently communicating, but my eyes never left Griffin.

  Uncomfortable tension filled the room when they left.

  “I don’t like this,” I repeated, remembering the moment when the dean at school called Wes and me into her office to tell us someone reported our relationship. How easily Wes denied being with me, how he accused me of pursuing him, then rejecting my unwanted advances. My stomach dropping, my head pounding, I couldn’t make sense of him like I couldn’t make sense of Griffin’s motivations.

  “You made that clear.” A muscle ticced in his jaw.

  “What if you change your mind? What if we break up?” Panic skirted the edges of my consciousness, making the ground unsteady.

  “If you sign it” —he pointed to the signature line— “you know it’s a legally binding contract.”

  “This lasts what, a year? If we break up, there’s a chance you’d raise the amount to something we couldn’t afford when the term ends. I’d rather negotiate an affordable amount now, so we know what we’re getting into. I’d rather you treat us like any other tenant.” I needed to get on even ground fast.

  “Is that what you think of me?” He looked at me then, his eyes furious, his muscles tensed.

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. Isn’t that the point? We don’t know each other, not really.” In the end, Wes had done the unthinkable, he’d stepped back, denying he’d ever felt anything for me. His words threatened everything I’d worked so hard to build. I’d trusted him. I thought he loved me, but I was wrong. I didn’t want to make the same mistake again.

  Griffin stood, his face a mix of barely concealed anger and frustration. He leaned his hands on the table, his face close to mine. “We do know each other. I know you are looking for any reason to leave, to break up with me. We don’t work unless you trust me.”

  My face flushed hot. It wasn’t that I couldn’t trust him, I couldn’t trust me.

  “We can’t be anything if you don’t trust me not to hurt you, Avery.” His softly spoken words, my name on his lips, was intended to appeal.

  It was working but I couldn’t be fooled by sweet gestures, promises of money, and the care in his tone. If something happened, he’d protect himself. I stood, wanting to work off my restless energy. “This isn’t about that.”

  “Then tell me what it’s about.” His voice was measured, dangerously low.

  Panic filled me, I couldn’t tell him the truth. I grasped for something more tangible, something that would make sense to him. “It’s about you changing your mind when this ends.”

  “Because the end is inevitable, right? There’s no way you could imagine us making it. You setting aside your fucked-up notions of what a relationship is or could be, to let us just be. If you let yourself feel what’s inside.”

  I flinched when he said fucked-up. “I thought that’s what I was doing.”

  We’d been living in this sweet spot. The honeymoon period of a relationship where everything was great. We hadn’t weathered any storms or maneuvered any difficulties. How could I be sure of how he’d react when we did?

  Griffin’s actions were catapulting us faster to our conclusion. His expectations were too high. One of us would screw things up, step over a line, expect too much. Then it would be over.

  Griffin was quiet, studying me, his shoulders rigid, his jaw tight.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, knowing he’d already told me.

  “You know what I want. I want you. Not the woman afraid to take chances or put herself out there.” He slapped the table. “I want the one who’s been with me the last few weeks, getting to know me. The one Declan looks up to.”

  My heart squeezed at the mention of Declan. I’d let myself sink into their lives more each day thinking I could pull myself back from the edge.

  Looking at the pain on his face, I knew he hadn’t done the same. He’d opened himself up to me, the possibility of us. “I’m sorry. I’m not capable of what you’re asking.”

  “You don’t want to try.”

  “Mixing business and our relationship makes me uncomfortable. I would think you would understand. You went into business with a friend. Look how that turned out.” I knew it was a low blow but I felt like I was running ful
l steam ahead into a fire. I couldn’t back out now. I had a split second to make a decision. Once made, it was too late to turn back.

  He blew out a breath, resting his hands on his hips. “I should have known better than to bring you into my life, into Declan’s. You were always up front with me. We were never going to amount to anything. You’re playing at a relationship, playing house with Dec and me, but we don’t mean anything to you. You were always going to walk away.” The last words were said with conviction.

  I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears, regret already filling my chest. “No, that’s not it. I have feelings for Declan and you.”

  “It’s not enough. I want you to be in this as much as I am.” He gestured at the contract still laying on the table. “That’s the lease. You can sign it today or any time before the original lease ends and I’ll honor it. It doesn’t matter to me if we’re together or broken up, I want the firm to be successful. I want Kids Speak to get off the ground. That’s how much I love you.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath, his admission hitting me like a punch to the gut, tipping my chest forward. Before I’d recovered from the force of his words, he was gone. Leaving me alone. I shivered in the chilled air, wrapping my arms around myself, sinking into the chair, the edges of my vision blurred.

  “Are you okay?” Hadley asked. “That sounded intense.”

  I waited until my vision cleared, until the heat of anger pushed any feelings of hurt away. I stood, gathering my things. “He said he’d honor the contract. You can sign it. I’ll gather what he needs for Kids Speak.”

  I walked out of the room, my heart pounding out of my chest. He’d said he loved me. It’s what I suspected, but nothing prepared me for how I’d feel when he said it.

  No one had ever said those words to me. I’d begged my parents to say them when I was a child. When I was ignored, I settled for the scraps they gave me. They paid for my clothes, my food, my home, later my education. When I was older, I justified it to myself. They loved me in their own way. That had to be enough.

  There was pain in Griffin’s eyes when he’d admitted his feelings. He knew I wouldn’t return the sentiment. I wanted to follow him to tell him he was wrong. That I had let him in, more than anyone else, that I could be the person he wanted me to be. Was it fair to ask him to give me time to get on the same page or would it be like me begging my parents to love me when they couldn’t express it?

  How would I know I was in love when I’d never experienced it before? It was never expressed to me in words or through physical actions. Anytime I got too close to a man, I pulled back, ran as fast as I could away from whatever I was feeling. Despite my best intentions, I’d done the same with Griffin. I didn’t know how to be what he needed.

  Maybe it was better this way. He’d broken it off with me, so there was no need to feel guilty. He’d made the decision even if I was the one who’d fucked up.

  Hadley appeared in my doorway. “Are you going to go after him?”

  “No. I don’t think he wants that.” The pressure in my chest built until I thought it would explode.

  “Dylan said I should stay out of it, but he said he loved you.”

  I winced. “You heard that?”

  Hadley’s eyes widened. “Did you respond?”

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  Hadley slumped into a chair, softening her voice. “Do you love him?”

  I ran through my memories of him—running into Griffin and Declan in Annapolis, touring the Naval Academy, evenings at his home, our first date at the yacht club, the times we’d spoken on the phone, adopting a puppy together. “I like him. But love? I don’t know.”

  Taking that leap, feeling whatever was churning in my chest, my head, left me exposed to be hurt.

  Dylan walked in, crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t think you would know what love was unless it smacked you in the head.”

  “That’s a little harsh,” Hadley chided.

  “Is it? The man kept our rent low so we could get the firm off the ground. He’s investing in Kids Speak because it’s important to you. He cares about you.”

  “I know he cares. I care about him too. Why can’t that be enough? Why did he have to say those words?” The words I’d longed to hear but now ran from. How could I be so sure Griffin would be different than Wes?

  “He can’t help how he feels,” Hadley said gently.

  “I can’t either.” My jaw was set, my teeth ground together.

  “I don’t think you’re incapable of feelings. You’re so used to pushing down anything that’s like an emotion, you wouldn’t recognize it when you felt it,” Dylan said.

  Was that true? Could I love him and not know it? “How did you know when you were in love with Cade?”

  Hadley was quiet as if thinking for a few seconds. “I wanted to confront my father by myself. It was something I felt strongly about but Cade wanted to be by my side. His brother, Nolan, explained how Cade needed to be there for me. That’s when I realized Cade loved me. He wanted to support me out of his love for me. That’s when I realized I loved him too, maybe had for a while and didn’t realize it. That’s what Griffin’s doing. He doesn’t want to control you, or put you in a bad position, he wants to help you. He wants the best for you. That’s love.”

  Dylan narrowed her eyes on me. “He’s taking a huge risk for you. Don’t forget, he got burned in his last business by his friend and fiancée.”

  I shook my head, feeling empty. I couldn’t trust what I was feeling. I had no idea Wes would abandon me when he did. In the end, he’d said I was cold, that he could never be with someone like me long term. I’d misjudged him, the relationship so badly, I couldn’t trust my instincts.

  “Come out tonight at least. We have an important meeting tonight for Kids Speak and you need to relax,” Dylan said.

  “Yeah, okay.” They left, the numbness cooling my veins. I had to think practically about this. I’d refocus on work, on what was important. Relationships and feelings had no place when it came to my career. I’d learned that the hard way.

  Work equaled security in a way that people or relationships couldn’t.

  A headache formed at the base of my neck, crept up the back of my head, until it was a throbbing, living thing. Until I couldn’t focus on the screen. All I could see was Griffin walking out of the conference room along with the sinking feeling we were over. I thought I’d feel relief when it finally happened but I didn’t.

  I powered down my computer, packed up my stuff, avoiding my phone. I shouldn’t be worried about whether Griffin would call. I knew we’d break up eventually. It was just a matter of time. I’d gotten in deeper with him than anyone else. In a few days, these feelings of confusion and melancholy would lift. Things would be normal again.

  I paused in Dylan’s office. “What time do you want to meet tonight?”

  “Eight at the yacht club?”

  I stiffened. It was the same place Griffin took me when everything changed between us, when I let him in. “See you there.”

  I wanted to ask her what she was up to. Why we had to go to that particular bar when we usually hung out in the more casual harbor front bars but I didn’t. Nothing mattered. Nothing besides getting past whatever feelings I was having. Moving on. Focusing on work. An image of Declan holding Potter flashed in my head but I pushed it out. They were never mine to have.

  My hands shook as I unlocked the door to my apartment. I was making more of it than it was. Yeah, Declan liked me, but he’d get over it, right? He was so young. I was barely a blip in his life. It wasn’t like his mother leaving him as a baby, his father dying.

  Griffin would meet someone else, someone more suited to him. A better mother figure to Declan than me. What did I know about being a mother, about love? Griffin had gambled on me and lost.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Avery

  The yacht club wasn’t far from my apartment, so I walked. Thoughts of the way Griffin unzipped my dre
ss the night he took me to the yacht club, kissing my neck, while baring my body to him, combined with the despair of how I’d pushed him away this afternoon warred in my brain.

  I scanned the bar area for either Hadley’s red hair or Dylan’s blonde hair. Dylan turned, smiling as she spotted me. She was surrounded by a few large men, presumably the professional athletes Dylan mentioned. Hadley was by her side.

  As I approached, Dylan tipped her head toward me. “Avery’s the one who procured the last investor.”

  Before I could respond or greet her, one of the men said, “I thought you brought in the investors?”

  He was tall, broader in the shoulders than the two men who flanked him, dark hair, eyes intent on Dylan.

  Hadley smiled. “Avery had a connection with this particular investor. He was her client.”

  “That’s right. I’m Avery Arrington.” I held out my hand first to the man who’d been speaking, a twinge of pain shooting through me at the mention of Griffin.

  “Reid Everson.” His grip was firm but not crushing, which I respected.

  After shaking Reid’s hand, I turned to the man next to him. He smiled, a dimple popping on one cheek. “Jonah Templeton.”

  He seemed more relaxed and affable compared to Reid.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said to Jonah before turning to the last man.

  “I’m Chase Crawford.” The erect way he held his shoulders and lifted his chin told me he was someone important on the team. Unfortunately, I knew nothing about football or the players.

  “Avery Arrington, nice to meet you. Sorry, I was late.”

  Dylan touched my arm. “You weren’t. We were early.” Then she turned her attention to the men. “I’m excited that you’re interested in being involved with Kids Speak. I don’t have to tell you how much it will mean to these kids that you took the time out of your busy schedules to meet with them.”

  Chase leaned his elbow on the bar, turning his body to face us. “We enjoy meeting kids in the community as long as it fits our schedules. We’re in season right now.”