A Sister's Courage

by Molly Green

  ‘Raine.’

  It was Suzanne.

  ‘Go away.’ Raine’s voice was muffled in her pillow.

  ‘I won’t.’

  Raine felt her sister’s hand stroke her hair, the way she’d tried to comfort Ronnie that morning.

  ‘Was there something in the letter that’s upset you?’

  ‘Only that he has specifically asked me to look after Maman.’ She sat up and looked at her sister. ‘He’s saying almost the exact words that Maman said. That it would be down to me. I’m sure she’s read this letter, Suzy, but I can’t accuse her. She’s obviously not a well woman. I just don’t know what to do.’

  ‘We’ll all help,’ Suzanne said. ‘Don’t worry, Raine. Come on. It’s not like you to be so downhearted.’

  ‘I’ll be all right. It’s Maman we have to worry about now. You go down, Suzy.’ Raine took her hankerchief from under her pillow and blew her nose. ‘I’ll be all right,’ she repeated.

  Raine hated herself for being so weak, lurching from one definite decision to the other in a matter of hours, sometimes minutes. How could she just walk out – go back to the station – and leave her two sisters to take care of Maman? She couldn’t leave them to shoulder all the responsibility.

  She screwed up her eyes to stop the tears of self-pity. Her head felt as though a block of wood was permanently lodged there. She blinked several times, desperate to clear the odd sensations. She would go mad if she didn’t get out of the house. It was beginning to suffocate her. She’d walk to the village in the hope that some fresh air might help.

  But warm stale air met her lungs. The weather had suddenly become cloying, doing nothing to soothe Raine’s nerves as she wandered down the High Street deep in thought, not noticing the stocky figure of Doctor Hall who was waving to her from across the road. It was only when he tripped up the kerb in front of her, almost losing his balance, that she was aware of him. She put an arm out to steady him.

  ‘Dr Hall, do be careful.’

  ‘Thank you, my dear.’ He removed his hat. ‘I’m so glad to have spotted you. Please accept my very sincere condolences. I liked your father very much and was sorry I couldn’t get to the funeral. He and I had some good chats in the past, and even an occasional drink at the pub.’ His eyes twinkled as he looked at her.

  ‘Thank you for saying that, Dr Hall. It’s nice to know you made a friend of him.’

  ‘I wonder …’ Dr Hall hesitated. ‘Do you have a moment to take tea with me?’ He nodded towards a café on the side of the road he’d just crossed.

  I’ll have to. I’m sure he’s doing his duty by checking how we all are, especially Maman. But still, it was kind of him.

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘How is your mother bearing up?’ Dr Hall began as the two of them sat on the hard chairs in the café, their tea in thick white cups.

  Surprisingly, the café was almost full. Clouds of cigarette smoke drifted towards them, trapped as they were in the corner.

  Raine cleared her throat. ‘Not very well, as you can imagine. Maman is in a state. It’s been over a week and she can’t seem to stop crying. I hoped she’d calm down a little when the funeral was over, but I realise it’s still very new and an extra shock on top of everything.’

  ‘Dear, dear me.’ Dr Hall removed his glasses and wiped them on the edge of the tablecloth. ‘I must call in and see her. Perhaps give her a sedative.’ He studied his watch as though it would confirm his words. ‘Yes, I shall do that this week. Day after tomorrow, in fact.’ He slipped his glasses back on his nose. ‘And how are you and your sisters coping?’

  ‘I thought Suzanne would be the most affected, but it seems that Ronnie – Véronique – is feeling the pain terribly. I suppose it’s inevitable as she’s the youngest.’

  Dr Hall nodded sympathetically. ‘And you, my dear?’

  ‘It’s bad. I can’t believe Dad’s no longer here. But we all have to accept it and carry on as he would have wanted.’ She leaned forward and said softly, ‘Actually, Dr Hall, I’m glad to have the opportunity to talk to you … about Maman.’

  Dr Hall frowned. ‘You mentioned an “extra shock”. I take it you’re referring to her financial position since your father’s difficult time a couple of years back.’

  ‘No, although that’s bad enough. I’m talking about her recent diagnosis.’

  Dr Hall’s expression changed to bewilderment. ‘I’m not sure I follow you.’

  Raine suddenly felt an overwhelming pity for her mother not having Dad to talk things through. He would have taken charge. Told her he’d always be there for her. But through no fault of his own, he hadn’t.

  She swallowed and took in a breath, needing to keep calm in front of this nice doctor.

  ‘My mother’s heart.’

  Dr Hall drew his bushy brows together. ‘Her heart?’ he repeated, shaking his head. ‘What’s the matter with it?’

  ‘You don’t know?’

  Dr Hall shook his head.

  This was odd. Raine frowned. ‘She’s been told she has a weak heart and it could get worse if she has any more upset.’ She sent him a sharp look. ‘I assumed she’d been to see you.’

  ‘When would this be?’

  ‘Right before Dad had the brain haemorrhage.’

  Dr Hall took out his diary and flipped open the pages. ‘Ah, yes,’ he said. ‘Your mother telephoned me with the sad news that same afternoon.’ He scribbled a few words.

  ‘And she didn’t mention her heart before then?’

  ‘No. And it didn’t come up in the conversation either when she told me about your father.’ Dr Hall looked her straight in the eye and she knew he was telling her the truth.

  ‘She must have seen a heart specialist then without your knowledge.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Dr Hall drained his cup. ‘Lorraine, there was something she mentioned about you delivering aeroplanes – you’ve joined the Air Transport, or something.’

  Raine gave a start of surprise at this sudden change of subject. Strange that Maman would even think to discuss her with Dr Hall, especially at that time when she’d telephoned him about Dad.

  ‘That’s right – the ATA.’

  ‘She worries about you.’

  ‘I keep telling her not to.’ She looked at the kind grey eyes of Dr Hall. Should she confide in him about her situation at work?

  ‘I’m on compassionate leave at the moment but my station expects me back now the funeral’s over. But Maman says I must ring them and explain the situation – that I won’t be going back.’ She bunched up the corner of the tablecloth then let it drop. ‘I didn’t know she had such a serious health problem. I’m desperate to do my bit in the war, but as the eldest, it’s my duty to stay and look after her.’

  Dr Hall said nothing. He took out his pipe and gestured to her for permission to light it. She nodded. He took his time lighting up.

  ‘Lorraine, there’s a war on,’ he said, making little popping sounds with his pipe to get it going. ‘You’re young. You have your whole life ahead, God willing. And I’m sure they need you at the station even more than your mother needs you at this point.’

  ‘Oh, they do,’ Raine said eagerly. ‘They’ve already told me that and say they hope I’ll be back very soon. But how can I leave her?’

  ‘Right.’ Dr Hall sucked at the stem of his pipe. ‘You explain this to your mother – quietly and calmly tomorrow evening. Unless there is any significant deterioration in her health, you will be going back to the station on Thursday morning. She’ll be upset and try to talk you out of it. You must be kind but firm. I will come by Thursday afternoon and talk to her.’

  ‘But if she was to become ill again and—’

  Dr Hall held up his hand.

  ‘Don’t say another word,’ he said. ‘You just leave your mother to me.’

  Walking back home Raine went over and over Dr Hall’s words. Was he holding something back? And then it dawned on her that he’d never said her mother’s heart was bad. Sur
ely he would have warned her. He would know if her mother had seen a specialist. In fact, he would have been the one to have arranged it. Was this ‘heart condition’ simply a pack of lies to keep her at home and stop her from doing the one thing she loved?

  But what should she do now? Demand the truth from her mother who most probably would stick to her story? Tell her sisters? They’d taken Maman’s news as read. So had she until her conversation with Dr Hall. She gritted her teeth. She wouldn’t be able to look her mother in the eye until she had it out with her.

  As Raine walked up the path to her home she decided to tackle her mother right away and without her sisters. It wasn’t fair to drag Suzanne and Ronnie into her private opinion of her mother.

  She was in luck. The front door was unlocked so Maman was probably in. Raine walked into the front room to see her mother sitting on her own having a cup of coffee, the signs of recent crying lingering on her cheeks.

  ‘Maman, can we have a private word?’

  Eyebrows raised, her mother put her cup down. ‘What do you wish to discuss? If it is to do with your future—’

  Raine held up the palm of her hand.

  ‘Maman, please let me speak. I ran into Dr Hall today in the High Street.’ She watched her mother closely. Alarm flitted across Simone’s face, but she quickly arranged her features in a neutral expression.

  ‘Thank goodness for Dr Hall. He’s such a comfort to me. I don’t know what I would do without him. I would not have slept a wink without his sleeping pills.’

  ‘Yes, he’s a very good doctor,’ Raine said, keeping her voice even. ‘And he’s told me to go back to Hatfield on Thursday and carry on with my job, and that he will be calling in to see you in the afternoon.’

  ‘He said that?’ Simone’s voice rose.

  ‘Yes, he did. And a few other things as well.’

  ‘Did he mention my condition?’

  Raine kept her eyes fixed on her mother’s. ‘He didn’t mention your heart, if that’s what you mean. But I mentioned it to him. He didn’t seem to know anything about it, so I said you must have seen a specialist.’

  ‘I do not like the idea that you talk to my doctor about me behind my back, Lorraine.’ Her eyes flashed. ‘It is confidential what I tell my doctor.’

  ‘Maman, he’s my doctor, too. The whole family’s.’ She paused. Her mother’s forehead was creased in lines of annoyance. ‘But it never seems to occur to you that we’re also terribly upset we’ve lost Dad.’

  ‘You accuse me of being a selfish mother?’ Simone’s expression had changed to anger.

  ‘I didn’t say that. But Dr Hall told me that once you’re over the worst of the shock you’ll be able to play your part, too, in the war.’

  She knew he hadn’t said that, but it sounded the sort of thing he would say. She waited. Her mother blinked.

  ‘I will be having a word with Dr Hall,’ Simone said, a hard edge to her voice.

  Oh, Lord. Her mother was working herself up into a right mood.

  ‘Maman, the station wants to know when I’m returning. They’re short of pilots so I must go back on Thursday. In case you don’t realise, the ferry pilots are doing a vital job in the fight against the Germans. Being French, you should be pleased.’ Should she say the next bit? Yes, she had to know the truth. She drew in a breath and plunged in. ‘You haven’t seen any specialist, have you, Maman? That was all made up, wasn’t it, to keep me here?’

  Her mother looked at her. The fury had gone from her eyes, but Raine couldn’t work out what had taken place.

  ‘Go, Lorraine,’ she said in a resigned tone. ‘Go and do what you want. You’ve always done that – had your own way. Tell your station you’ll be there this afternoon. There is no need to wait here with your mother until Thursday.’

  ‘Maman, please—’

  Simone held up her hand. ‘No more, Lorraine. Go and pack your things.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  As Raine walked into the Hatfield ferry pool she felt it was like coming home. She’d waited until Thursday, her own home stifling her with Maman in tears most of the time and Suzy and Ronnie tiptoeing around her. What on earth would Dad think if he’d known his wife had pulled such a trick. All it had succeeded in doing was to make Raine more alienated than ever from her mother.

  Bad heart indeed! Raine snorted. Maman hadn’t denied her accusation about not having seen a specialist. But she must have known her lies were bound to be disclosed sooner or later when there was no outward evidence of a dicky heart. But if it hadn’t been for pure serendipity – running into Dr Hall yesterday – she would have been stuck, acting as some sort of nurse to her mother. She shuddered at the thought.

  Maman had really shown how far she was prepared to go to keep Raine by her side. She’d completely disregarded Raine’s part in the war effort. She was unwavering in her effort to exert control over all three daughters’ lives. Well, Raine was equally determined that Maman wouldn’t control her, and she only hoped her sisters would be strong enough to stand up to her when the time came. Nevertheless, she still wished she hadn’t left Maman after a blazing row.

  But here she was at last, back at the station with the blessing of her sisters. They’d been horrified when she’d told them about Maman’s perfectly good heart.

  ‘Don’t let anything stand in the way of your music, Suzy,’ Raine had said as she kissed her goodbye. ‘At least Maman wants you to carry on with that. She’s so proud of you. So are Ronnie and I. And you know Dad would be, too.’

  She turned to Ronnie, who seemed to have lost her boyish humour and energy overnight.

  ‘Don’t get sucked into Maman’s nonsense, Ronnie.’ She ruffled her young sister’s new short hair. ‘It’ll be your turn soon to do something worthwhile.’

  ‘I was thinking about the Land Army,’ Ronnie said seriously. ‘That way, I’d definitely be outdoors.’

  ‘I’ve heard it’s hard work,’ Suzanne said. ‘My friend Jane says she’s never been so exhausted. I can’t believe she mucks out cows and last winter pulled up turnips. I’d hate it. And anyway,’ she looked at Ronnie with concern, ‘you have to be at least seventeen.’

  ‘Two years too early, then, Ronnie,’ Raine said, laughing. ‘The war’ll be over by then.’

  ‘First of all, I might not be very tall but I’m much stronger than Jane,’ Ronnie protested. ‘And I could lie about my age. Lots of girls do.’

  ‘I don’t want you doing that,’ Raine said firmly. ‘Something will turn up at the right time that will be perfect, but until then you must continue with your studies.’

  Raine had gone in search of her mother to say goodbye but it was as though she were saying it to a stranger. Simone had only offered Raine her cheek, cooler than marble. Something had broken permanently between her and Maman. But the only guilt she’d really felt was to be leaving her sisters. They in turn dismissed such a notion and told her just to get on with her job – and to keep safe. At least the girls have plenty of grit and determination, Raine consoled herself. They wouldn’t be cowed under Maman.

  ‘Good to see you back!’

  Several of the ferry pilots welcomed her with beaming smiles. Raine felt a lift to her heart. This was where she belonged – with like-minded colleagues who understood her joy of flying and her satisfaction at being part of the team.

  She went in search of Pauline to let her know she was back. After telling Raine once again how sorry she was for the loss of her father, Pauline said Lucinda Morris was grounded with a bad cold and could she take over her next delivery immediately.

  ‘Oh, bad luck. Yes, of course I’ll do it.’

  ‘And Stephanie’s in hospital.’

  ‘Oh, what’s the matter with her?’

  ‘We’re not sure yet. She was very poorly after her last delivery two days ago. They’re running tests. Nausea and headaches seem to be the main problem. But she’ll be laid up for a week or so, I’m sure.’

  ‘I’ll go and visit her,’ Raine said imm
ediately.

  ‘Yes, do,’ Pauline said. ‘I’m sure she’d appreciate it.’

  ‘This is your chit.’ The Ops officer handed her four sheets of paper. ‘You know what to do with the copies. You’re delivering a Hawker Hart to Silloth but first you have to collect it from White Waltham. One of the air taxis will take you – Audrey’s down for the job, I believe. Make sure you read the Pilots Notes thoroughly as I don’t believe you’re familiar with this one.’ He gave Raine a sharp look. ‘Are you’re sure you’re up for it? Tell me now, if not.’

  Raine’s heart skipped a beat but it was from excitement rather than fear. Her first proper delivery after all the Moths. And he was right. She’d never flown a Hawker Hart before and she couldn’t wait. It would be wonderful to have a change from the Tiger.

  ‘I’m definitely up for it,’ she said, smiling at him.

  ‘I was sorry to hear about your father,’ Audrey said, as they climbed into the cabin.

  ‘Thank you.’ Raine decided to change the subject. ‘Have you a busy day ahead?’

  She knew Audrey was a far more experienced pilot than herself and was bound to have several deliveries lined up.

  ‘A frightful day, though I shall love every minute. I’m delivering three plus this one – all different. Two I’ve never flown before. I’ll probably be relieved to get back to the station, put my feet up, have a gin and orange and a cigarette.’ She laughed. ‘I sound like I’m moaning but we all know we wouldn’t be doing anything else in the world.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Raine chuckled. ‘And I’ll be relieved too, but for different reasons.’

  Audrey glanced at Raine. ‘What are you taking?’

  ‘A Hawker Hart. I’m rather chuffed and definitely looking forward to it.’

  ‘It’s a lot more powerful that the Moth you’re probably used to,’ Audrey said. ‘It’s a good plane, but treat it with caution.’

  Without warning Alec’s face sprang to her mind. Audrey might as well have been talking about him. That cocky grin. But he hadn’t worn it when she’d last seen him. His expression had been unfathomable and she knew it was entirely because of her. Dear God, how she wished she had someone to talk to now. Even though she’d enjoyed the other girls’ company during training, she hadn’t so far formed any close friendships at Hatfield. And Stephanie? She shook her head. She’d tried to keep out of her way as much as possible as they had little in common except flying. And what was there to say about Alec? He’d made it clear he was interested in her and she’d made it equally clear that the feeling wasn’t mutual.